Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Melissa on January 27, 2009 at 1:25am

Alisha, I am terribly sorry for your loss. I know words can do nothing to ease your pain, grief, and guilt at this point in time but you have to realize it is not your fault. You know, deep down inside that you shouldn't have gone home that day. It is very possible that he could have killed you that day instead of himself, or possibly both of you. I know what it's like to be in an abusive relationship. My ex-husband was emotional, mentally, and physically abusive (not Bill, but my ex-husband). You did the right thing by kicking him out. If you don't look out for yourself, no one will. Unfortunately, Demontre decided to take his own life for whatever reason he had. You may never know the answer to why he did it. Just always remember, no matter what anyone says to you, it is NOT your fault. His family may be angry with you for a long time, if not forever, but it is NOT your fault. I will pray for you and his family to find peace within to accept this tragic event and become a stronger person. Again, I am terribly sorry for your loss...

Permalink Reply by Alisha on January 27, 2009 at 2:49pm

Thank you Melissa. It feels alot better to hear someone else say that this wasnt my fault. I know it wasnt, that was his choice and HE and ONLY HIM, did that to himself. I knew in my heart that I shouldnt have gone home that night and a couple of days after this happened my Step-mom was telling me, maybe that was a sign from God, she said "Maybe God made a deal, I CANT SAVE HIM, BUT I CAN SAVE YOU!!!" So i knew that i made the right decision to not go home, everything in my body was telling me DONT GO HOME, I felt a sense of peace in my heart when i heard her say that.
It may have been me and him lying in a casket....thank you for your reply...

Permalink Reply by Melissa on January 28, 2009 at 11:27pm

Some people have that '6th sense.' Not saying you are going to be one of Dionne Warwicks psychic friends but most women I know have that gut feeling. I learned a long time ago to listen to it. You had it that day. Whether it was God whispering to you or your guardian angel holding you back, you knew not to go home. That is a great thing for you; you are still alive (even though I'm sure you feel a little dead inside right now)....

Permalink Reply by Alisha on January 29, 2009 at 6:53pm

right but i am very thankful to be alive, thats what everyone around me keeps saying ya know, "if he wouldve done this kind of thing to himself, what makes you think that he wouldnt have done the same to you and him?" So i try to keep that in mind. It may have been me and I was blessed that night though the circumstances werent what i wanted AT ALL, but i learned alot that night though. Just keep listening to my "6th sense" and/or my gut feeling, or God's whispers ot me.

Permalink Reply by Diane on January 27, 2009 at 12:12pm

Dear Lynette I am so sorry about your loss. I know how it feels to be abandoned. My husband passed away on 1/6/09. His family tried to have me thrown out of the hospital, accused me of causing his death (ie second heart attack). Took over the funeral service and even told me I didn't do a good enough job for on the service. (They were disappointed I did not have a Minister which to me is their wishes, not my husbands, He did not want a strange man standing up talking about him. He preferred his friends to say something on his behalf.) I could not have our kids at the hospital because these people were being so ugly.
On 12/27/08 I received a call from my husband's sisters boyfriend that Jeff (My husband) stopped breathing. An ambulance was on the way and he just kept telling me to hurry and get there. When I got to his sisters house, the ambulance was getting ready to pull away. I made it to the hospital about 10 minutes after the ambulance. Technically, my husband was without oxygen for 25 minutes. CPR was performed at the house by members of the family and the paramedics, but it essentially was just too long. They had pronounce him "dead" at the house, but one of the paramedics found a pulse, very weak but none the less they found one. The chances of him waking up normal was slim to none. The neurologist asked me if I thought of anything as to why a 46 year old man's heart would just stop beating. My suspicion for the past month was that he was doing meth. He was lying, stealing, failing to provide for his family. On tuesday, they came and in told me he tested "positive" for meth. I thought someone had literally sucked the air right out of me. They then left the room. I was all alone to swallow all they just told me. At that point I knew I was in a lose-lose situation. If my husband died, I lost him. If he survived and lived a normal life, I still lost him. I lost my husband to meth.

My husband and I were together for 17 years. We barely saw or heard from his family members. Most of them we never heard from. When they all came to the hospital they were talking about making the decisions. I told them I was his wife and I am capable of making that decision. Myself, alone. I didn't need them for 17 years I sure didn't need them then. They told me I had no right to be there. They said, "Your not even crying, you don't love him". Funny, at the number of tears they didn't see me cry because they weren't there. They battled and argued, they refused to see that he did not want to live with a brain injury. (He was also looking at having to be on an oxygen tank for the rest of his life for enphasema.) They drug it out for well over a week and in that time he suffered another heart attack which further damaged his heart and brain. Along with him suffering, I also suffered. I was in agony. When he woke up after that there was literally little or no response to commands. I was the one who sat everyday holding his hand. Most of that time visitors (all the above who were arguing) were no where to be found. They would come late in the evening for 15-20 minutes. Finally, on Tuesday 1/6/09 when they were screaming for a second opinion, the nurse came in and told his family that he was modeling. (turning gray) and he was getting ready to go. She pleaded with his family to let me do what I had to do to let him die with what dignity he had left. They all left. They said, "You stay and take care of this, we can't bear it". At 3:15 p.m. they undid his oxygen, and started giving him meds to make him more comfortable. He passed at exactly 5:15 p.m. I called his family and told them he was gone. Then they came back. The story doesn't end there. Because of the meth being involved, I honestly thought it negated my whole marriage and life with him. I loved him, but doubted his love for me. I am slowly comming to terms in dealing with his death.
Again, Lynette, I am sorry for your loss.
God Bless

Diane

Permalink Reply by Alisha on January 27, 2009 at 3:05pm

Diane,
I would first like to tell you that I am very sorry for your loss, it mustve been so hard for you to watch him everyday suffering, if you read my story, the family was blaming me for my boyfriends suicide so i didnt even get to see him at the hospital...I wasnt there when they took him off of life support, i wasnt there when he passed, i only wish that i was there holding his hand because no one seemed to care about him at all when he was alive...i was the only one, so it wouldve meant alot to him if i was there but those circumstances made it impossible for my safety...but on Sunday the 18th they took him off of life support and he passed at exactly 10:35 AM...his dad called me at 10:36 to tell me he didnt make it....then hung up when i started crying....

Permalink Reply by Diane on January 29, 2009 at 9:14am

Dear Alisha

Honey, you are not to blame. As I stated in my response to Pamela, I believe the family is feeling guilty. They have to blame someone. He was abusive to you. That means he learned it somewhere. (probably them). Journaling has helped me alot. I can say to Jeff all I want to say (without him walking away). I can rant, rave and tell him I love him all in the same sentence. Another thing you can do is write a letter expressing yourself to him, take it outside and burn it and the words will float to heaven. He will get the message.
I know you did not get to see him at the hospital, but maybe that is a good thing. You won't have that memory floating in your mind. Remember him as he was. I have the memory of my husband with tubes, wires, blank distant stare, writhing in pain and withdrawl, and because he lost his ability to speak he was groaning or growling. This is what I see when I think of him. The last words he had spoke to me (three weeks before) were not very nice and I wake up quite a bit having nightmares.

The fact his dad hung up on you when you started crying says alot.

My heart goes out to you,

God Bless

Diane

Permalink Reply by Pamela Apostolos on January 27, 2009 at 3:12pm

Dear Diane I receive reminders when someone writes on this web site; and when I read yours dear God my heart goes out to you what you had to endure through the 17 years of your marriage. My thoughts and prayers are with you in your time of sorrow. I was wondering if your husbands family knew of his meth use?; if they did it might help them understand the whole situation. They have suffered a terrible loss and they needed to blame someone but.... I am not siding up with them by no means because what and how they treated you is unforgivable in my book; no one should suffer like you and go through what you did. You could start writing in a journal about everything even his family, it might help and maybe grief counseling could to it all depends on how you feel about it. Well i hope everything goes well and my thoughts and prayers are with you.

Permalink Reply by Diane on January 29, 2009 at 8:58am

Dear Pamela

Yes, it was his sister who was smoking the meth with him. (and her boyfriend and God knows who else at that house.) It was her guilt I think that made her verbally attack me and I think also by attacking me she was trying to lessen her pain of her part in this. My husband had 8 brothers and sisters. All but 1 boy and 1 girl are addicted to drugs and or alcohol or both. Jeff never talked about his childhood. But given the fact that many ended up that way, says alot to me. I think the whole family as a matter of fact felt guilty. No one supported him while he was alive. Mom helped everyone of the kids except him. (I would hold him at nights and he would cry. Upset because he could not figure out why she helped everyone else out but not him.) We were homeless. The most she did was to call my mom and "demand" that she give us money to get our own place. My mom had paid for the place we lost, 2 cars, and another move to the tune of $4,000.00. (Story in itself). His mom did absolutely nothing. I have come up with as close to a logical explaination as I will ever get. The only one who can fully explain it isn't talking (jeff). When Jeff came to in the hospital, he had a brain injury and he was not responding well to commands. When he had the second heart attack, it further damaged his brain and heart. If he would have lived, he would have been in a nursing home, unable to feed himself, fed through a tube in his stomach, would have required a pacemaker and would have been on oxygen. Watching this man die was horrible. Seeing their dad was terrifying for the boys. But I do believe they learned that meth is not to messed with.
I racked my head against the wall trying to figure this all out but after a day or so with comming up with a conclusion I would have more questions that couldn't be answered. My sister and I talked about my life with my husband and we concluded that he started smoking meth about the time he bought a new car and hanging around his sister again. Around 5 years ago. That is when he quit his job, made us homeless and refused to find a job. Also when he started lying and stealing from me. I still did not catch on to what was going on until about a month and half ago. My son finally came out and told me that he found out (he knows people that know my husband) that Jeff was buying meth. I didn't believe it until I started researching meth at work. When I saw the picture of the guy with the bugged out eyes, that man was my husbands twin brother (they looked very much alike). I had my proof when at the hospital they did a tox screening to figure out why his heart stopped.

I already started journaling, and it seems to help alot. Thank you for caring!

Diane

Permalink Reply by sue on March 13, 2009 at 6:48pm

Oh Diane, I so wish this could have been different for you. I am so sorry. I was blessed with my daughter right there with me asap when I got that terrible call but his family, some of them, were gone quickly and they all banded together and offered me nothing, except for one sis and she was like a sis to me too always. I also have a loving family.
This is so painful, the shock and the picking yourself up and trying to go on but you are valuable and you are alive and you deserve happiness.
I wrote a long note to Lynette with my story, but I just wanted to respond to you and tell you that you did have the right, he was your husband and that relationship is sanctioned by God himself and ignore those people that didn't treat you with respect as his wife. NO one knows but you what happened and you are still alive and are supposed to be. You didn't leave him even when you were not being loved as a husband loves. You stuck with him and hoped and he died. That was not your fault. You stayed with him until the very end and that was a women of grace and strength and I know in my heart your husband knew it too. Bless you and my prayer is that your life will be richly blessed and your dediction to this man will be rewarded with the desire of your heart. Take care of yourself. Suep

Permalink Reply by joelle on January 27, 2009 at 7:10pm

I don't even know where to start. My high school sweetheart ("Dave") and I were best friends since we were in the 7th grade. We decided to date our last year in high school. We were both non-popular kids, a little more reserved and we just spiritually connected. When we were rejected by others we would create our own fantasy and write poetry and talk about the stars and the moon, and in our own little world.

After graduation, we disagreed on something (can't remember) I went off to college and started having sex with this older guy (more than twice my age). My dad left when I was 9 and I was looking for a father figure. Anyway, I was trying to come to my senses, end this superficial relationship and move forward in my life and low and behold guess what: I get pregnant. My family always told me the "Christian thing to do is get married." I didnt want my son to grow up with no father. So we ended up getting married and eventually having another child.

I never did talk to "Dave" again, never reached out and too embarassed to tell him about me getting pregnant etc. He has written letters to my grandmother in another state to attempt to contact me. These letters never reached me because I later found out my aunt was tearing them up. The only exception to me contacting him was throughout our years apart, was that on his birthday I would send him a birthday card with no return address.

Throughout the years in my marriage I have been abused (sexually, verbally, physically). Divorce has always been a "hush" topic. I know despite my husband loves me and doesn't want to lose me. A few years ago my husband was diagnosed with renal failure and is on dialysis. Shamedly I have always felt that there would be another chance for "Dave" and I. (Please forgive me for sounding like a horrible wife).
3 months ago, I attempted to mail "Dave" his birthday card. I couldn't google his address anymore and wasn't for sure where he was. Curiously, I contacted his mom and she told me that "Dave" had died 2 months prior when he had a seizure! He was soon to be 31. Hearing the news I was in disbelief. It was like it was a horrible joke or nightmare I was waiting to wake up from.

I have sinced visited his mom, and he had kept every letter I had written him since we were in high school. He had kept my pictures close by and talked of me often, as though he was waiting for me... Now I feel like, if I could only go back in time. The family thought about me so much so that they included me in the funeral program. If I could have only expressed how I felt or even pay my last respects. It's so crazy because I feel like I have been through all the stages of bereavement several times over again.

I feel sometimes as I am ready to move on, and then weeks will go by and I don't want to get out of bed. It hurts because he left without me knowing how I truly felt about him. I am stuck in a marriage, stuck with no hope and all I have to want to be here is for my kids.

I feel as though I am stuck in a no-win situation and I dont know what purpose God has for me that I should want to continue on??? I am 29 and I have wasted my entire life waiting for freedom.

Permalink Reply by Pamela Apostolos on January 27, 2009 at 7:52pm

What can i say Joelle i feel so sad for you and what you have had to endure through your life so far. Dave probably knew how you felt, and for you to carry a torch for him even though you are married says alot. I feel for your husband who is ill; i do agree that a child should not grow up without a father and when you were pregnant that the right thing to do is to get married but........ to be in a marriage where there is abuse of any kind is unforgivable in my book. And children are very receptive and when you don't think that they don't know what is going on they do, and to me that is teaching them it is okay to abuse a women and that is not the right way to bring up a child. If i can ask, since he has been stricken with renal failure has his way of treating you changed and if not i would leave for the safety and security of you and your children. Please forgive if that sounds harsh and i don't mean it to be after all you have been through, but you have to think of your health and happiness or else you are not good to anyone not even your kids. I do hope and pray all goes well for you and you will be in my thoughts and prayers, you have to continue on for your kids and yourself.

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