Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by kristi on November 6, 2008 at 8:13am

hi kristen,sorry for your loss of your father,it isnt going to be easy when something like that happens.i have exsperieced it for 2 years now and it doesnt go away,the whys are always there.because my son was shot by his friend he counted the bullets going in the gun but not coming out and pointed the gun at my son and shot him.i know the kid is going throu stuff right now with him being a senior and all the memories will live with him for life.but it is sad that you can not walk to a bus stop and not get hurt either that is bad.we dont have bus stops here.in the town i live in.but i grew up were there was shootings to,.it hurts.but if any comfort at all light a candle and sit and write in a journal for 5 minutes and when his annivesary or birthday comes up take a cake out to the cemetary and sing happy birthday to him,they say dont hide him a closet,.talk about him or you it wont get any easier.i go to a support group in my town because they know what your feeling and helps to talk to friends to.thanks for listening

Permalink Reply by Kristen on November 6, 2008 at 8:24am

Hi Kristi:

The emotions were so raw in the beginning. I had to take 6 weeks off from work (I did try to go back after, but only lasted for 9 days). At any rate, I'm back to work and trying to have some kind of normalcy in my life. The case is still unsolved. We also lost my grandmother (my dad's mom) on October 12th. I think I'm going through the acceptance stage now of grieving. I know that it will never 'go away' and I don't think I'll ever be the same, but I'm trying, really trying to try and live again. I will be joining a support group in my area. It's for family members of homicide victims. I had tried general group therapy, but that just wasn't for me....

Permalink Reply by kristi on November 6, 2008 at 9:12am

hi kristen,yes at the beginging i lost my mind i didnt know what happened the last 6 months of my life and still till this day i cant rememeber some stuff and when the holidays come around my friends at work all tell me to take it easy because i dont know what i am doing.i took 2 weeks off because my friends all told me i should go back to work,i am a nursing assistant what i did before i went back to work is like i went in there like 2 or 3 times before i went back to work because than it was like nothing happened.because i had a friend have her husband get killed like 7 months prior to my son and she never came and seen us or the residents and all she did was cry,so in the long run i did my self something because i dont cry at work unless it hits me so hard that i need to just go in the bathroom i dont cry in front of the residents,what do you do for a living?yes i went to a therapist and i will never go to one again,because this one i seen said why do you still blame the police and the doctor and the kid that did this i wasnt going to go throu this.and so i did what i wanted to.when the holidays come around they say the first ones are allowes hard but you know i have been going on my 3rd year and it doesnt get any better you think of your loved ones and cry instead of being happy,christmas i want to pick my son something up so bad for christmas and i cant it is hard.yes that homicide victims thing is good.they told me there is people out there that will help me if i need it,this place was so helpful.any time on need someone i call there.yesterday was hard but i got throu it,this coworker of mine was talking to a resident and telling her about my son and she has talked to me and started crying,but she wants me and her to get together and talk so it would be easier for me and her to talk about our losses together.she lost a son to and its been about 20 years and she said it still hurts her.well write anytime.and i hope i am helping you.if you want to write to me in my email you can and my im messanger if you have yahoo and we can talk back and forth.kristi_armstrong2000@yahoo.com thanks for listening

Permalink Reply by Kristen on November 7, 2008 at 8:10am

I'm just taking it day by day right now. That's all I can do. I know that the holidays will be tough for me and my family. We lost my grandmother on 10/12 as well and tomorrow is her memorial service. I had a rough night lastnight thinking about my dad....

Permalink Reply by Stacy on November 16, 2008 at 3:04pm

I lost the two most special people in my life about 6 months ago, my parents. They were killed when someone pulled out in front of them, failing to stop at a stop sign. They were on a back highway where the speed limit is 65, so being on a motorcycle, it was fatal. They were so young, only 40 and 35. They were the most amazing people in my life, as well as their hundreds of friends in their life.

Their death was so sudden, ten minutes after i got off the phone with them and about 5 minutes before I was to meet them somewhere. Everyday I blame myself for their death, because they were coming to see me. I keep hearing it gets easier day after day, but to me i still dont understand they are dead. I feel like i just spoke with them yesterday. I have taken on care of my minor brother and often I feel if i am making them proud the way I am raising him. I try my hardest but i find myself questioning the things i am doing very often, whether I am making them proud or not. I have abandoned everything I loved before the accident, my job, my friends and my boyfriend. I have finally gotten back into the swing of things but its still not the same, it never will be. I am very worried to see how bad the holidays are going to be. My mothers birthday is in on 12/18, which is going to be one of the hardest days of my life and to make matters worse, christmas is about a week later.

I would love to hear things that other people have done to help cope with the sudden lost of a loved one, I have heard of journaling, I talk to them daily, but i would love to hear more. Thanks so much and my condolences to you all.

Permalink Reply by kristi on November 16, 2008 at 5:11pm

the holidays are bad they say the first one is the bad one but my son has been gone for 2 years and it isnt any better.me i lost my son he was 16 and he should still be here with us.i cope by going to support group that is were people really know what your going throu.i have a lady in my support group is were she lost her dad and 6 months later she lost her mom.but she needed to come talk about them.my hands go out to you for taking care of your younger brother.i hope my daughter that is 21 takes care of my son that is 12 if we ever go together.or if he turns 18 before than and graduates.but i hope we dont have to put are kids throu it.your parents probly say the same thing.did you move him into your house?or did you stay in the house he was at before?yes my birthday is on christmas and i dont celebrate it no more since my son has passed i gave it up.another thing is i never went to church because i blamed god for taking him away.but it was the devil everyone said so i started to go back to church.my son died by his friend shooting him his friend was only 15.he is a senior this year my son would of been to.what i did was make buttons for all the seniors so he could be with them as they graduate and i will be there to.well i hope this helped out alittle andnow you have to be strong when your brother is around.my son knows when i have a bad day he makes jokes so i smile and he hugs me when i am sad.my husband just lets me do the crying.they say to talk about your parents to.and when your moms birthday is make a cake and take it out to the cemetary make her her favorite food.and go out there and eat the cake and food.make a plate for her and set it out there that way her spirit can eat to.yes when my son died it was snowing and when we buried him it stopped and every one till this day still talks about it.i talk about him because i miss him so much.my dad has trouble listening to me but i just say its the way he grieves.maybe you and your brother could get support group together.they do work with families.but i hope this helps now that i rattled on.thanks take care and write when you can.i hope you have other family members if you need there help with just a break from your brother.your friends are your support mine are you should just tell them that you need to talk it might help them to help you ok.

Permalink Reply by Elaine Banks Phillips on November 17, 2008 at 5:55pm

Hi Kristi and Stacy,I know I have been out of connection for a little bit,don't let your self get sick like I did. I am not saying don't cry because you know that I am still crying. The holidays is coming up,every Thankgiving kris use to fry the turkeys. I am not having whole turkeys.I am baking turking wings,and cornish hens. Kristi I miss that child so much. Still no dream of him. You know Kristi it was the devil telling you to be angry with God. When my son died the 2nd line band was playing I'll fly away,and 7 white doves flew over the sky as we were singing I'll fly away.This is the only comfort I got that day of his funeral. I said I know where he is now. It didnot take away the pain and the heartache,but it eased my mind on where he was going. And Stacy I lost both of my parents to,but not close like you did. All of my sisters and brothers was grown. But it still hurts. I always thought that children was suppose to burie their parents and not parents buring their kids. I have burried two sons already. This leaves me with 1 daughter and 1 son left. Praying that God take me before them. l don't think I could burie not one more of my kids. But they say the Lord puts no more on you than you can bear.I do believe that. But I can't tell you why I still have heartache and pain. So lets just keep praying with and for each other. Stacy try a memorial site like I did, I can go on the site and talk to kris anytime. Tt might seems crazy to some people but it do help me. This site do offer a memorial site to remember your love one with. I have my Mom,Dad,Brother and Kris on my. So take a look at kris site. Stacy your Mom and Dad is you and your brother gaurdian angels,they will watch over you two. (hppt://memorialwebsites.legacy.com/wemissyouKrisJP/Homepage.aspx)

Permalink Reply by kristi on November 17, 2008 at 7:05pm

hi elaine i dont get sick,but i do not enjoy the holidays anymore.yes the devil did tell me to hate god because i did for the last almost 2years than someone had to drill it in my head that the devil is the one that is doing the terrible things.i am glad when you come on here you know how i will feel in a week when thanksgiving comes around.were usually here for each other when holidays are around and i like that.thanks for coming back on here.i work thanksgiving i havent worked the last 2 so we will see how it goes at work ok.thanks

Permalink Reply by Pamela Apostolos on November 17, 2008 at 4:34pm

Stacy, my name is Pam and I want to tell you my thoughts and prayers will always be with you in this most difficult time, of the loss of your parents. I can imagine how you feel because 1 year and 6 months ago I lost my husband in a tragic accident on a back road coming home from his job. Just like you i was talking to my husband on the phone and told him to be safe, because this road had so many accidents every day. We told we loved each other and hung up the phone. i have a 21 year old daughter who was up in her room taking a bubble bath waiting for her dad to come home, she just saw a movie that day and wanted to tell him bout it. My 28 year old son and his wife have been living with us for awhile till they got back on their feet; we were sitting on the porch it was such a beautiful sunny Friday and we were talking about my husband and i going for a ride on his Harley when he got home. He usually arrives home about 6 or 6:30 but never showed up and i began to worry; even though my son and daughter-in-law thought he might be stuck in traffic, i just had what you call a clarevoant (esp) type feeling that something was wrong. Well i called the sheriff and asked some questions, and he state that there was a very tragic accident on the road and a truck went off the road. He took my description of the truck and my husband; and he said he would contact me if he heard anything, but i just knew it was him nobody could tell me different. No sooner did i hang up the phone with the sheriff, one of their cars pulled up in m drive way. My son said no and just froze, and i went to greet the officers, and they told me he died. and that's all i remember. My daughter-in-law went inside to be with my daughter and my son went down to our good neighbors to tell them the news. Of course the hardest thing to do was to answer their questions about my husband (George), what frame of mind he was in the las 48 to 72 hours typical stuff. We were planing to go to Sturgis with my son riding my husbands Harley and my husband was going to ride his new one........ well that never came to pass. Looking back on July 27, 2007 I cannot believe i have made or if you want to say survive this long; it felt like time stopped for months, but in reality time moves on and there is nothing we can do about. I realize it might be very hard for you right now but give it time; and i mean as much time as you need, that could be months from now or even years. But one thing i really need to tell you is let go of the anger, your going to feel it and that is okay it is part of the healing process, but you need to let it go because it can cause even more pain then you can deal with right now. Everybody goes through grief differently, but you need to cling on to your friends family and your boyfriend to help you through this, don't go through it alone..... i have tried that and it doesn't work. I went to grief counseling and it helped somewhat, it gave me the tools to deal with certain things. Writing a journal is a wonderful avenue to put all your anger, sadness, and whatever feelings you have down on paper or on a computer ( they have programs you can install,thats what i have and it is great!); once it is down on paper those feeling especially the whys the blaming and whatever else have no power over your mind or body, believe me it works. But most important holidays birthdays, or whatever special day that comes up from here on out will bring back memories of your parents; and thats okay, what you could do is for our mom's birthday have a small dinner nothing too fancy with your brother boyfriend and close family. I know it sounds silly but a month after my husband was killed my kids and i celebrated my 30th wedding anniversery; the tears were flowing but then we began to laugh at some of the things that drove me crazy, and it turned out to be okay. At the end we set off some balloons and had a silent prayer. This might not work for everyone but it made me feel closer to him. I go to his grave stone every sunday and put fresh flowers by it; on his birthday fathers day we all set off balloons up to him. It sounds like your parents were awsome people and they are very proud of you, keep remembering that; say good night to them and talk to them when you need to. Holidays are hard but think of what your mom and dad would do; put up a small tree in honor of your parents and always always keep the lines of communication open with your brother and family and boyfriend. Take one day at a time and if that is too difficult take one minute at a time, and please take care of yourself. You will be in my thoughts at Thanksgiving and Christmas, and be thankful and blessed for the precious time you had with your mom and dad...they are watching you don't worry.

Pamela (from California)

Permalink Reply by Stephanie on November 28, 2008 at 10:24am

Stacy, I lost my sister last year and even though she was ill and not sudden like your parents I still struggle. My husband and I ride motocycles and are probably the age of your parents. I wanted to share with you what I told my son. If God should call us home I hope we will be together and doing something we love. I would rather it be that way than sickness. I know it certainly does nothing to ease your pain but envision them together holding each other and looking down on you and your brother. I am sure they are very proud and to get through the holidays which is NEVER easy just celebrate with stories and look at pictures and don't necessarily try to be brave. You lost a precious part of your life and you have to feel it to begin to get through it. Stephanie

Permalink Reply by Elaine Banks Phillips on November 28, 2008 at 10:49am

Stephanie,my name is Elaine and I just realize something you mention to Stacy. You said you lost a precious part of your life and you have to feel it to begin to get through it. That's what going on with me FEELING IT TO BEGIN TO GET THROUGH IT. Do you see how just encouraging one person can help out another. Stacy I have been feeling my sons death for 2 yrs. now going on 3 yrs. It hurts so bad,I just can't shake it off right now. Thanksgiving was truely hard for me. This was one of Kris special holiday.I cried and cooked everthing I thought Kris would eat.I cooked so much food that everyone said everytime they would look at the food they would get full. So Stephanie I want to Thank you for your words of encouragement.

Permalink Reply by Stacy on December 3, 2008 at 8:36am

Thanks so much for everyones encouraging words. We made it through our first holiday, it wasnt easy, but not as hard as i imagined but then again i know christmas will be harder. But thanks again everyone, it means alot.

Stephanie, what you said you tell your son is true.Thats the one thing I thank him for, is that he took them together doing something they love and that it was instant, no pain involved. They could have never survived without one another so the way it happened was probablby best. Anyways thanks

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