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Permalink Reply by Marcella on February 2, 2009 at 1:14pm

3 years and 5 months have passed since my Father Marco Antonios Death. My dad was murdered on September 13, 2005 at Ybarra Jewelers in Eastland Plaza. This case is still unsolved and My family and I pray every day that we find the ones who took my dad away from us in such a brutal, horrible, indescribable way. This impacted us so much because my father was the most charismatic, friendly, down to earth family man you would of ever met. We think about him every single day, not a day goes by we dont ask ourselves, why? why? why? We were such a close family and now our chain has been broken. He left behind 4 children, my mother who they were married for 30 years and 2 granchildren, one that he only got to meet and enjoy for 9 months before his life was taken. As I'm typing this tears are running and it's just unbeleivable that my dad is GONE. It's so hard for any of us to continue living life especially my mother who lost her life partner and other half. We all lost a part of him. We no longer have a father to mentor us, guide us through life, our long conversations, the laughs, sunday barbeques, father to child talks, our vacation trips, his warm hugs, his incredible smile and laugh, and his immensive talents he had with music. We look at pictures everyday throughout the house. we look at his clothes, his music, his belongings, his car, and it tears me apart. I was daddys little girl and I have so many emotions running through my head there are times I dont care about anything but to be with my father. Each and one of us have so many incredible memories, he's on my mind 24/7. The image is in my head wondering what happened? how? why? how he suffered, his thoughts, his pain, his last breath, how much he suffered, how painful it was, why wasnt I there to defend him? I always hope he just walks in through that door like he used to. There is no support, comfort, inspiration that will ever heal this pain we have. The only comfort we have is eachother and my beautiful nieces. All we want is closure in our family knowing who killed my father. Sometimes I dont even want to get out of bed and don't care about anything. No one truly understands the pain until it happens to someone. And with the matter of how close you were to your loved one. I beleive that any cause of death is painful and depressing to those that still live. But knowing someone took your dads life away and him not coming home from work is the most horrific nightmare you want to wake up from but you cant. All I ask from you people is if anyone has any information to anything please contact the Stockton Police. Calls remain anonymous. God bless. I miss him so much. Not a day goes by we dont think or talk about him. There are couple of quotes that I found that relate to my life and feelings. "Silence is medication for sorrow." Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal" "“If you murder an innocent man you are responsible
for the blood of his unborn descendants, and the weight of this responsibility is yours to carry to the end of time” "No one can confidently say that they will still be living tomorrow. " My heart will never heal"

And a poem that is on his gravestone.

We little knew that morning,
God was going to call your name.
In life we loved your dearly,
In death we do the same.
It broke our hearts to lose you,
You did not go alone,
For part of us went with you,
The day God called you home.
You left us beautiful memories,
Your love is still our guide
And though we cannot see you,
You are always by our side.
Our family chain is broken
And nothing seems the same
But as God calls us one by one

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Permalink Reply by kristi on February 2, 2009 at 1:35pm

hi marcella,sorry for your loss.your story hit my heart.my son died 2 years ago but his friend shot him,and i still feel angry inside,the day goes by were i dont think about him,.are you from the usa?because we have support groups all around that instead of all of you getting together for each other you could go there people have been throu what you have,have you ever tried that?and what i do is write a journal,light a candle and write my good thoughts about my son.on his birthday i make his favorie dish and bake a cake and take a plate and some cake out there and sing happy birthday to him,did you ever do that before?well try do that and see what happens ok,let meknow how you feel after you do all this it might help your family to do the same thing ok.my condolenses are with you and you will have people say that and it is good to hear that.take care and hope you keep in touch

Permalink Reply by Barbara M Hoyt on February 4, 2009 at 3:11pm

New Year's eve, a time when most people are excited about the prospects of starting a brand new year, my grandson, Christopher Adam Mitchell, was in ICU. Twenty-three hours later, our family stood by his bed, saying our final goodbyes! Just seven days earlier, on Christmas evening, Adam; his mother, Kimberly; his brother, Eric and his wife, Rebecca; along with my husband, Harley, and me, celebrated a Christmas I had always wanted. No gifts, (except the Lord's Prayer embossed on a beautiful cross), given to me by Adam, and quoting his sweet words; "Gramma, I know we weren't supposed to do gifts this Christmas, but this represents what this special Christmas is all about". Just nine days prior to Christmas, Adam celebrated his 27th birthday. Reflecting back on Christmas evening, I find myself wondering, was God was preparing us for Adam's departure, or was He preparing Adam? We will not know the answer to this question until we meet him in Heaven. It is a normal thing for me and my grandchildren to talk about God, His Son, Jesus Christ, and Heaven, but for some reason, Adam seemed to be the one doing the talking that night. He pointed to a picture of The Last Supper, and asked me about it, then he said, "Gramma, didn't you tell us when Jesus comes back, He will come on a big white horse, and take those who have already died to Heaven before those who are living"? I have spent the past four weeks trying to put the pieces of the puzzle together, but it just doesn't make any sense! When Adam was born on December 18, 1981, minutes after he was born, they rushed him to Natal ICU where the doctors discovered his little lungs had not completely developed, even though he was full term. This little guy's strong will to live, along with many prayers, brought him through, and he developed into a strong, healthy baby. Adam was always easy going, light-hearted, and material things were of no importance to him. The thing that mattered most to Adam was his five year old son, Braeden, and he dreamed of being able to see him. He didn't get that chance, but we know that he is now Braeden's constant companion, and I have to believe that in a spiritual way, Braeden is aware of his presence. Adam took a big piece of each of our hearts, and nothing, no-one can replace it. We know that Adam is in a place where he longs for nothing; yet, our selfish nature, longs to have him back. My prayer for all of our remaining family is, "If there is anything in our lives that would keep us from being reunited with Adam one day, we will do whatever it takes to make things right". "Adam, I miss your presence in my life, but I know I will see you again!" I love you, Gramma

Permalink Reply by Barbara Riggs on February 5, 2009 at 8:47pm

Hi everyone,
My son Matthew, died suddenly and unexpectedly on Oct. 31st 2008 of a brain aneurysm. I had just spoken to him on the phone one hour before I recieved the phone call from his Dad (my ex-husband), that Matt was dead. The police called Jim first and he called me. It was as if time stopped. I don't remember calling my sister, but she came to where I was, in a parking lot, where she found me on the ground by the car. This has and is still so fresh and surreal, that some days I feel as if I'm losing my mind! My family is driving me nuts, I can't sleep, I eat all of the time, and I feel as if I just go thru the motions of living each day by getting up and going to work! I don't want to talk to anyone much, it all seems so trivial comapred to Matt's death. I am going tocounseling twicw a week, and I joined an online grief group, but nothing seems to help very much. I have two other children who are 33 and 30, a son and daughter and they are both devasted by this loss of theri brother. No matter what happened between the three of them, they were a very tight group! They loved each other fiercely and defended each other, but also fought often. The day Matt died, he and his brother had a terrible argument over the telephone about 1/2 hour before Matt's room mate found him in the shower. His brother feels such terrible guilt that he has completely shut himself off from the rest of us. My daughter is a recovering addict, sober for 19 months, who is missing her bother terribly. Somedays I feel as if I can't comfort them anymore, who is comforting me? My mother tells me that I should be "better" by now, and both of my sisters continually tell me that they know how I feel! They don't! They loved Matt very much, but I'm his Mom! I hope and pray that I can keep it together day to day and somehow accept that Matt is gone from this place, but that he is at peace. Is what I am expierencing like anyone else has felt? I am learning that there are no rules fro this grief, and that I will grieve my own way, but I don't even feel like myself anymore!
Thank you for listening, my thoughts and prayers fro all of you , Peace Barbara

Permalink Reply by Twila on February 13, 2009 at 2:52pm

I lost my son he was walking home from a friend and was hit by a truck on 12/12/08 and it is so hard to deal with he was going to graduate from High School this year and he turned 18 Sep. 17th. I remember when the police came to my house and the look on their faces..I will never forget that night he was my only son I have 3 daughters and they are 20,19, 17 they were really closes too my oldest daughter use to fight with her brother all the time and she has guilt but she knew no matter how much they fought they were always sticking up for one other and how much they loved each other. I cant even comfort them too I hurt so much for my son I write letters to him each day. Christmas was so hard because I spoke to him on the phone the night that he was killed we were going to go shopping and he kept asking me what I was going to get him for Christmas..Sometimes I feel like Im walking in a dream and he is going to come walking in the door and say I here...my sister do the same tell me they know how I feel but they dont I gave birth to him and carried him 9 months he was my son..he was a mama's boy because he was my only son. I wrote something I would like to read it, writing helps me stay close to him. I miss so much and they say time heals well who ever said that lied it dont because it gets hard with each passing day..but I know I will see him again. I will pray for you and I do understand what you are going thru. they Yearning to hear his voice and see him and hold him just to hear him say mom...emptiness and loneliness. its hard.

Permalink Reply by Elaine Banks Phillips on February 13, 2009 at 7:16pm

Hi Barbara,my name is Elaine let me tell you first that I lost my 28 year old son that was a New Orleans Fire Fighter. Than after losing everything from Katrina in 2005, I lost Kris to a fatal car accident in 2006,than 2007 I had a brain aneurysum. Barbara this sons death took so much from me. I just could not accept the idea that Kris was gone. I have my 35 year son who is doing fine,after Kris death he moved to Atlanta Ga. He to was a EMT for the city of New Orleans. I my self was a Manager 1 at Charity Hospital in the Registration and the Admit Dept. So we all was dealing with and helping the public. My daughter who is 33 also had a job dealing with the public as a teller at a local bank. So yes I was the proud mother for all my kids. Kris and Lyntrelle had this bond they was so close to each other. Any thing that went wrong with Kris he would call Lyntrelle first than she would call ask where is your son and I would say which one. Barbara my daughter was looking at TV when it was broadcast on the news. She was 5 months pregnant. When she called she could only say Ma Ma Ma,I said whats wrong Lyntrelle than her husband took the phone because he seen the flash first about a SUV flipping and the driver was killed instantly and when the news returned was knew that it wss Kris SUV. My daughter refuse to view Kris video that wass made of his funeral and repass. Well I call it therapy for me because I can hear and see what and how people cared and loved him. So many beautiful things was mention about Kris,some made you laugh and some made you cried. But Barbara I was thankful for the video because for Kris funeral I don't remember anything and this was without medication. I just couldnot believe that this would be my last time viewing his body. It hurts so much,I tell anybody if you have not been there than you cannot tell me how to grieve. Trust me grieving can bring you to many places. Grieving brought me the hospital while driving with three grandchildren in the car. The last thing I remember was telling the grand kids that had to pull over.I didn't make it over I hit 5 cars and 3 cars hit me than I hit the bridge. Thank God for the State Trooper that was driving behind me. They took me to Our Lady Of The Lake Hospital in Baton Rouge,La. and discovered that I had a bleeding in my head. The doctor said that I was lucky because not to many people survive brain aneurysums. I told no I was blessed. So what I am saying take one day at a time. No there is no time period with grieving and yes everyone grieves differently. I know the feeling I have not been the same since Kris died. We was a close nit family. yes they use to have their difference,but when there was an emergency they all stuck together. This is why I use to tell everybody stay out it now,they can talk about each other but not an outsider. So Barbara just call us we are here to listen to what you feel or what you have to say. I will be praying with and for you....... Elaine

Permalink Reply by Lisa Scott on February 6, 2009 at 1:17pm

I lost my cousin in June 2008 he was 21. He was my little girls godfather and I struggle every day since the day he left us. I cannot even begin to think about carrying on, it still hurts so much and I feel trapped with my feelings. Its like I cant talk about with the rest of the family as everyone is still grieving but I need help, I feel like I am heading the same way as him because I cannot get myself lifted up from this dark depression I find myself in. I need some help please.

Permalink Reply by Lee on February 7, 2009 at 2:22pm

Hi, Lisa. I've also lost someone to suicide, and it sent me into a depression. The most important way you could honor his memory would be to find the help that he couldn't find for himself. Look for support groups in your area, and consider talking to a doctor or counselor. It makes such a difference to be able to talk to a non-family member, because you know that you're not going to upset them by talking about your cousin.

It's not easy to make yourself look for help, but it makes a world of difference. You know how devastating suicide is for the survivors, and you can't put your little girl through that. You're in my prayers.

Permalink Reply by Twila on February 13, 2009 at 3:13pm

I wrote this for my son and so people could understand about what I am going thru....

Thursday, January 15, 2009
About my world now...
After you have loss someone who is a part of you there is this buzz of activity with family, relatives and friends coming together there is comfort in the closeness of family and friends in sharing tears and hugs and the being there for you..The Services give a meaning and hope as the community gathers around us in love and support. When everything is over family, relatives and friends go home and back to their lives, we are left to enter a strange but different world where this one person that gave you meaning in your life is gone..now there are spaces in my mind and spaces in my days and nights. And when we least expect it the heartache of pain comes back and back like the waves on the ocean crashing down on the sand over and over again. And this goes on for a very long time for days and I have now been told years because the loved one loss was so close to me my child..But Please talk about my loved one, even though he is gone. It is more comforting to cry and talk about him than to pretend that he never existed. I need to talk about him and I need to do it over and over. So be patient with my agitation. Nothing feels secure in my world. Get comfortable with my crying, sadness hits me in waves, and I never know when my tears may start. Just sit with me in silence and hold my hand. Don't abandon me with the excuse that you don’t want to upset me. You can't catch my grief because it is always there. If you don’t' know what to say, just come over, give me a hug or touch my arm and gently say "I'm Sorry". You can even say "I just don't know what to say" but I care, and want you to know that. Just because I look good does not mean that I feel good. Ask me how I feel only if you really have the time to find out. I am not strong right now I am just numb and in shock. When you tell me I am strong, I feel that you don't see me..I will not recover, this is not a cold or the flu. I'm not sick I am grieving and that's the different. My grieving may only begin 6 months after my loved one's death. Don't think that I will be over it in a year. For I am not only grieving his death, but the person I was when he was here with me. My whole world has crumbled and I will never be the same person I was Never..
I will not always be grieving as intensely but I will never forget my son and rather than recover I want to remember his life and the love of a mother I shared with my son for the rest of my life. He was a part of me and always will be and sometimes I will remember him with joy and other times with a tear and both are okay.
I don’t have to accept his death but yes I have to understand that it has happened and it is real, but there are some things in life that are just not acceptable. When you tell me what I should be doing then I feel even more lost and alone. I feel badly enough that my loved one is gone so please don’t make it worse by telling me I'm not doing it right. I don't even understand what you mean when you say "you've got to move on and get on with your life" or "you have other children." My life is going on I have been forced too. I will never be my old self again. So please just love me as I am today and know that your love and support will help me to find the joy that will slowly return to my life. But I will never forget and there will always be times that I will cry. I need to know that you care about me I need to be hugged and feel your touch. I need to be with you my friends and family. I need to know you believe in me and my ability to get through my grief in my own way and in my own time. Please don't say " Call me if you need anything" I'll never call you because I have no idea what I need. Trying to figure out what you could do for me takes more energy than I have. So in advance, let me give you some ideas:
1. Come over and see me visit with me only if you have the time to really hear how I feel that day.
2. Talk about my son to me and be sure to mention his name you can't make me cry the tears are always there.
3. Ask me more then once to join you to do anything I may say no at first or even for awhile but please don't give up on me. Because somewhere down the line I may be ready and if you've given up then I’m really be alone.
4. Understand how difficult it if for me to be surrounded by people and families with their children knowing that one of mine is gone.
Please don’t judge me now or think that I’m behaving strangely. Remember I’m grieving and in shock and I’m afraid. I’m feeling angry because I ask myself over and over WHY! WHY! And get no answer.. I hate that we have to live to die, I should be the one to go first but then I stop and think well there is a reason god wanted him because he was the best son a mother could ask for…But above all I hurt I am experiencing pain unlike any I have ever felt in my life and one that cannot be imagined by anyone that has not walked in these shoes of losing a child. When your child has shared hopes and dreams with you and you wanted nothing in the world for them to get them dreams and hopes..Don’t worry, if you think I am getting better and then suddenly I slip backward. Grief makes me behave this way. And please don’t tell me you know how I feel or that it’s time to get on with my life for my other children. Because what I need now is time and understanding to grieve my son. Most of all thank you for just being there your thoughts and prayers and patience and most of all thank you very much for caring.
Remember in the days or years ahead, when you need me as I have needed you I will be there to give you what you have given me Patience and understanding and most importantly caring.
Signed Twila Aulaumea for my Son Siaosi Aulaumea Jr. 09-17-1990-12-12-2008

Permalink Reply by Elaine Banks Phillips on February 13, 2009 at 5:58pm

Hi Twila,my name is Elaine yes I am still going thru what you are going thru now. I lost my son Kris in April 2006 to a fatal car accident. After losing everything to hurricane Katrina. Oh but Twila it was told to me that I should go on with my life and that I had other kids that I can go on with. Than one person told me that if you say you trust in God and read the bible why are you still carrying heartaches and pains. But Kristie came to my rescue and said have you ever stood in our shoes before,I dare you to tell this lady to go on with here life. I heard no more. Now counseling,helps many of people but it did nothing for me,but Twila try it first and also try a Memorial Site for your son. Trust me it helps,it is like a therapy or healing for me. I write to Kris all the time and talk to him like if he was right there with me. I laugh and sometimes I cry. Sometime it be tears of pain,sometimes tears of joy. It has been three years for me and it stills feels like yesterday. Don't know how I am going to make it this year. I have been praying and asking God for strength. Beacause Kris and my Mom Died on April 9th and my Dad Died April 4th and was burried on April the 9th. I don't know if you are aware that I had a brain aneurysum in 2007 after Kris death.I don't know why but this death took so much from me. Why I don't know. This was my second son that I had to burie. My first and my last sons. I never ask WHY for Kris because I knew better,but with my first child I ask WHY. I even compared the mothers that didn't want their kids why you took my first and only child. My Dad was a minister and this was his reply. God Giveth and God Taketh away,and when you pray you say The Our Father Prayer and part Let Your Will Be Done,Well this was Gods Will. You know that was not what I wanted to hear. Later on thru the years I was able to realize and learn when we pray we should understand what we are asking and praying for. So Twila don't go into that deep depression stage and get sick like I did. Because the Lord will put no more on you than you can bare. If you have never traveled in death shoes of a child than you don't know the feeling. I use to say I wonder if any other mother feel and still have heartache and pain like I do. When I was reading Kris Legacy sign in book that will always be line,this is where I discovered the Memeorial Site. I even go on line and talk with him on that Site. I just thank God for these two Sites so I recommend everyone to this Memorial Site. I really mean what I say Twila,if you are feeling down get on the computer and write or type to us we are here for each other. You can say what ever you are feeling and we understand. I don't know about anyone else but it gives me an honor and a pleasure to help someone when they are going thru what I have been thru. So we will be praying for you and remember Earth Has No Sorrow That Heaven Cannot Heal....... Elaine

Permalink Reply by Stephanie on February 14, 2009 at 12:54pm

To All from Stephanie

http://memorialwebsites.legacy.com/abby-hoda/homepage.aspx

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Permalink Reply by Twila on February 20, 2009 at 10:45am

thank you Elaine it is so hard to go on without him I think of him each day and with each passing day it seems to get harder. I miss him so much and I feel I am going in a deep depression I push everyone away and feel I have to deal with my pain it hurts so much..Just wanting to see him and hear his voice say mom again..I feel like I am going crazy I write letters to him but have stopped for some reason I always feel so tried and dont want to do anything or go anywhere I just want to stay in my room..Why does god take your children why..I am so scared to lose my girls I dont think I can take it if I do.. I wonder how can a mother go thru with losing more then one child..HOW???? sometimes I get angry at god because I have been through so much in my life..And I prayed everyday for my children to be safe but now my son is gone..my whole body aches from the heart ache..Cant sleep at night thinking why and I want to see my son..I know I need to talk to people and this site helps because the people I meet understand what Im going thru. I so glad I found this websit.

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