Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by kristi on January 19, 2010 at 11:05am

hi joe you can put any were you want your story because here we all listen to what we all have to say about our losses.keep it here.we will reply when we can.and thank you for sharing your story with us.kristi

Joe T said:

Gee, where do I even begin??? January 10, 2004 the world changed for me and my two daughters. I was a 25+ yr firefighter, and had just arrived home early that Saturday morning from a 24 hour work shift that entailed very little sleep. As I quietly entered the bedroom to change into sweats so I could go to the den and "wind down" a bit after the work shift my wife sat up in bed and looked at me with an expression I had only seen on her face once before and said, "I really don't feel good". Little did I know that roughly 2 hours from that point, I would have witnessed the hell she went through, the battle she lost to fight for her life, and I would be escorting my two daughters aged 14 and 18 into that room at the ER to say "good-bye" to their mother who lay lifeless before them. This is the short version of what was later determined to be a death by cardiac arrest, a 90% narrowing of a coronary artery over 5 cm length that would take the life of an otherwise vibrant and energetic woman who had just recently turned 40 yrs old. It came without a single symptom, or warning. It swiftly took away a loving wife of 20 yrs, and devastated two young daughters also. I went into survival mode that day....not my survival, but the survival of my daughters and all the "what can I do's", "what can I say's" that may help make the rest of their lives easier to cope with without their mother. I can add detail after detail of the past 6 yrs, but the focus is the grieving process for my daughters. I encouraged repeatedly counseling and grief group participation to no avail at first, then my oldest went for a few sessions. I would find out after she attended two sessions that when I took her to the airport for what I thought was a week long trip back home to family for spring break, my daughter somewhat nonchalantly advised me while getting out of the car in front of that airport, "Oh, by the way..... I won't be coming back."
My youngest did eventually attend counseling sessions, she also over the period of three years attempted suicide three times... being hospitalized each time. I was there for her attending every counseling session, every visitation, ensuring that she knew that support would always be there for her.
I also went to counseling quite regularly, and was deemed to have severe PTSD...witnessing my wife's death, combined with 28 yrs of fire service experiences....I went through hell with flashbacks of countless deaths and experiences..always to culminate in the last image being in the ER that horrid Saturday morning...
I have had to leave the fire service as a result, I did 3+ years in police services... a bit of a twist different from all the death I dealt with in fire service, and then physical limitations brought me to my current job behind a desk in a hospital providing assistance to TBI patients who have survived IED attacks in Iraq or Afghanistan. I have come a long way, and have learned to accept many things.
I remarried this past year to a wonderful and understanding woman, who has suffered similar losses.
My daughters, however, have seemingly fallen into a mode of refusal to grieve the loss of their mother. My oldest is currently in a state of constant panic and anxiety. Anything that is mentioned to her about anything medically related, she automatically applies it to herself then goes out of control in a panic attack in which she believes she is going to die of heart failure like her mother did. This has become horrid for her and has consumed her life. She cannot sleep nights, cannot eat properly, and o

Permalink Reply by Ali on January 22, 2010 at 3:31am

I thought your story was very sad. I don't exactly feel your pain except my soulmate is gone as well. He was found in his room and we think it was an overdose. I'm only 19 but ive been with him since i was 15 and im not 5 months pregnant and the emotions are CRAZY. I feel the same as you and people do care they are just hard to find. I feel all the things you feel, I feel lost I dont know who I am or what I have become. This has changed my outlook in every way possible about life. I am so sorry I hope you are talking to him because I KNOW they are listening. Has he visited you in your dream yet? They are in the most magical place in the world the problem is were stuck on earth and have to keep going. keep praying to god to reunite yall ultimately in the end. it may seem like forever but heaven is eternal :) I hope i helped in some kinda way.
Lynette said:

I lost my husband Rob on Feb 3, 2005. It has been over three years and I dont feel that I am healing at all. He died in a motorcycle accident in Florida (we are from MA). He was only 40 years old. My life is so upside down. I dont know who I am anymore, it has changed me on every level. I have two boys ages 19, and 17. I dont want to do all of this on my own anymore. I dont want ALL the responsibility. I am in danger of loosing my house because he had no life insurance. I dont even know if anyone will care about this post but I am doing it because it is a way for me to release my feelings. So many people abandoned me when Rob died, everyone was always going to be there but no one is. In one phone call I was told that my husband of 18 years was brain dead and would not live. They kept him alive for 2 days so family could fly to Florida and then it was over. I was the one that had to make the decision to shut off the machine, I was the one that had to plan the funeral, I was the one that knew when that door at the funeral home opened that my love, my partner, my best friend was going to be on the other side on a slab......Jesus, how do you recover from this. How do you go on and live?

Permalink Reply by Ali on January 22, 2010 at 3:44am

OMG THIS IS HORRIBLE AND HEARTBREAKING. i am so sorry i do not know what the loss of a child is but i know the pain of loosing someone you love more than you love yourself. may god be with you that is just plain insane i am so glad you have a beautiful baby now to get you through it!! and i hope that the killer rots in his cofin for taking away your innocent lovely son :(

jennifer said:

my 2 yr old son caden was murdered on april 22 2009 by my ex boyfriend..a few weeks before i found out i was pregnant with his child, i thought for sure the stress and grief and hell i went through would make me lose that child but he survived and it is amazing how much he looks like caden..if it wasnt for him i think i would have went crazy and did stupid things.they say that time makes it easier but thats not true at least not for me.every day seems to get harder, i try to keep myself busy but that emptiness is there.every day i ask god to bring my baby back to me but my prayer isnt answered.i hope one day that i will know the truth about what happened and why he did what he did.

Permalink Reply by Dave on January 31, 2010 at 7:48am

December 4Th 2009 I lost my fiance of 5 years to a diabetic coma & a mini stroke. I'm currently living on my own now, but I'm having a hardtime dealing with her being gone. So bad I even quit going to church now. I hurt so bad cause anytime I put the radio on I hear a song I dedicated to her & I burstout crying. Sadpart about my living alone now is i'm on medications for Epilepsy & I have a hardtime remembering IF I took them or not. Could someone please reply to me at my email & give me a Idea what I can do to try & go on. Even though its hard because of the music situation with me. I Appreciate it & Thank You. Dave from Kentucky

Permalink Reply by Sara on February 19, 2010 at 2:12pm

I lost my husband on Aug 6th, 2009 just 2 weeks after a 15 minute knee surgery. He was only 41, and we had been the best of friends since we met in '90 and we were married on Sweetest Day in '92 (10.17.92) and left behind not only me but our three daughters who are 16,13 and 11. We had just rebuilt our lives and moved into a brand new house on Nov 1st of 2008, then in May he got hurt at work and things went down hill from there as worker's comp dragged their feet and would most likely continued had we not found out that we could use a doctor of our choice since it had been so long, so on July 23rd I took him to have a meniscus repair done on his knee. Before he went back for surgery we discussed in length that he had a history of blood clots and we must of talked about it for 15 minutes if not more at the last minute before they discharged him they gave him an RX for a low dose aspirin. I truly believe that his death could of been prevented had they just put him on coumadin or something like that. But instead two weeks after the surgery he fell coming into the house and passed away approx an hour later and he tears my heart apart to think they watched him fall. Never in my life would I have dreamed that I would be a widow at the age of 41, he died from a pulmonary embolism as a result of none other than a blood clot. I now find myself in a lawsuit against workman's comp because someone helped by telling me that there is a benefit that they MUST pay when someone dies while on WC but of course they are fighting me, even if I have enough on my plate as well. We just passed the 6 month mark and it has been the hardest six months of me and my daughter's lives. I still have the malpractice to consider as I have had doctor's tell me he most definitely been put on something as well as living in a big new house that needs a basement finished so one of my daughter's have a bedroom. I am SO overwhelmed and mostly just feel LOST. I have not heard from my mil since around Christmas time nor does my own mother even call. And on top of this all, I am disabled so I am unable to work. I am sometimes just SO angry because I feel that my daughter's should still have there father because he could of been given something to prevent the blood clot. I have read MANY posts from others but this is the first that I have told 'my' story. I guess I thought maybe venting a little things might help. Thanks so much for reading/listening! Any thoughts or advice is welcome, but please no negativity..

God Bless you all, I pray for all that are going through a situation like these...

Permalink Reply by Janie on February 19, 2010 at 5:38pm

I lost my ex-husband, who I was still dating and don't know why he was my ex really, on October 18, 2009. His funeral was on the 21st, my birthday. He was killed in an auto accident unexpectedly. I am having a hard time dealing with it. He was my best friend and was always there for me no matter when or what it was I needed. He told always told me how much he loved me and worshiped me and I see now that he really did. I did not see how much he did before and all he wanted was for us to be married again, but I wouldn't. Why couldn't I see before how much he really loved me? He called me the night of the 17th saying he wanted to see me and talk to me, but I had plans with my kids and the next morning he was killed. I can't shake the feeling of wanting to know what he wanted. I miss him so much and I don't know what to do without him now. I feel so lost and alone and I don't know how to deal with him being gone. I cry everyday and I have become obsessed with making flowers for the cemetery and making sure that there are always nice fresh flowers. I miss him every second of every day and I am so lost without him.

Permalink Reply by Carol...mommy of Brianna on February 25, 2010 at 9:20am

I have to lost someone dear to me.I have a daughter.Her name is Brianna.She was born October 7th,2003 and passed away October 17th,2003.She was 10 days old.She was born with a heart defect called persistant pulmanary hypertention.Watching her suffer on a machine for her whole life and the day she died was thee worst day of my life.I have struggled with her loss since she passed.I finally after 6 1/2 years decided to see a therapist because I feel I am ready to move on in a positive and healthy way,rather than be angry all the time.My baby,oh how I wish you were here.As much as I love you and miss you,Im thankful you are not here to suffer in the way you would have your whole entire life!

Permalink Reply by Carol...mommy of Brianna on February 25, 2010 at 9:31am

I am so so sorry for the loss of your child,especially in the way that you lost him.You are right with your words you wrote.The hurt never goes away.It has been 6 1/2 year since I lost my baby.I just recently decided to see a therapist for this.Even though I keep everything hidden within myself,I for the 1st time opened up and told my therapist all my hurt and pain.They way I have felt since my daughter passing.I held NOTHING back.I cryed like I have NEVER cryed before.The release felt so good.It took days of feeling sad afterwards,but I feel better.I know I will never get over the loss of my baby,but I know we can move on without forgetting our lost loved ones.If I can say anything to you,when you are ready,open up.Don't let it eata you alive like it has me for so long.I hope you feel better soon

Ali said:

OMG THIS IS HORRIBLE AND HEARTBREAKING. i am so sorry i do not know what the loss of a child is but i know the pain of loosing someone you love more than you love yourself. may god be with you that is just plain insane i am so glad you have a beautiful baby now to get you through it!! and i hope that the killer rots in his cofin for taking away your innocent lovely son :(

jennifer said:

my 2 yr old son caden was murdered on april 22 2009 by my ex boyfriend..a few weeks before i found out i was pregnant with his child, i thought for sure the stress and grief and hell i went through would make me lose that child but he survived and it is amazing how much he looks like caden..if it wasnt for him i think i would have went crazy and did stupid things.they say that time makes it easier but thats not true at least not for me.every day seems to get harder, i try to keep myself busy but that emptiness is there.every day i ask god to bring my baby back to me but my prayer isnt answered.i hope one day that i will know the truth about what happened and why he did what he did.

Permalink Reply by Kimberly Bender on February 26, 2010 at 5:08pm

How can I deal with the death of my father when I feel that I didn't do as much as I could have? I live in Cuyahoga Falls, and my dad lived out in Doylestown. I didn't get out there as much as I would've liked to due to my work and the distance, but that didn't mean that I didn't care. My youngest brother dealt with all of dad's problems, probably partly because he could afford to do so. I just have a hard time dealing with this, because I feel all alone. Is there anyone that might have had the same experience, and could tell me how to deal with my feelings of inadequacy? Any replies will be appreciated. Thank you. Kimberly Bender

Permalink Reply by brenda on February 28, 2010 at 7:46pm

i just lost my son 3months ago to suicide i ask so many questions, i can't say to much cause i want to see if we can take the county to court where he lived there will days i just cry all day long and then ill have good days i just want my son back i still hear him talking to me.

Permalink Reply by libby poff on March 4, 2010 at 10:04am

I just wanted to say that I worked in Funeral Service for 12 yrs. and i Have met all kins of people. I worked as a n Aftercar coorninator at one Funeral so i Visited Families after the Death. I came in contact with all types of people. But let me tell you they all shared a common bnd. They were all greiving.. So my job was to help them walk through this journey of grief. It is not an easy path to go down but when someone dies we all have to walk this path. We all do it differently some folks cry a lot, some folks donnot cry everyone is different.You just have to be patient with yourself and not get in a hurry. take good Physical care of yourself rest alot have a proper diet and talk to you best friends. Donnot try to hide from your grief it will always be there so face it headon. I used to tell my families that you have to go thru it to get thru it. and they found that to be so true. I felt that it was a ministry for me to councel these peoeple.I would encourage them to talk about their loved one, visit their grave, listen to their favorite song et. That tends to keep the loved one near them. Also it is good to remember that they loved you as much as you loved them so remember that it was not easy for them to leave. Just keep your faith and remember that one day you will see that loved one again and they will be so glad to see you. Also remember God does not put on us more than we can bear so with His love and help and guidence you can get thru your journey. It will take time so be very good to yourself and just allow it to happen and one day you will say i donnot know how i did it. welel you did and you will be just fine. Just continue to live your life to the fullest and always remember that you are alos loved very much by your loved one that has gone on. God Be With you Always................... Libby Poff

Permalink Reply by amaryllis on March 4, 2010 at 2:02pm

May God bless you, Libby, for these good words you say to those who are going through a time of grief as you talk to them about hope and peace.
In such a moment words like yours are exactly what we mostly need. You are a blessing.
All the best.

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