Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Vee Herrera Michrina on April 2, 2013 at 10:00pm

God bless you all, and as far as I am concerned, your hearts are so close to God and you are walking on holy ground. I lost my beloved last April and it’s barely “sinking in”. I have to come to terms with it each new day--as you all know how each new day, we have to come to terms with the reality of this horror (LOSS). We dont understand one bit of it. I have faith in God and find that I need it even more after such a loss. 
My heart goes out to you too as you cope with the loss of your son, your wife, and your lovedones.

Tell me how you each cope with the emotions daily and what helps the most?
Do you do what I d o and DISTRACT YOUR MIND BY BEING VERY BUSY?

How do I honor the first anniversary. I am a broken hearted women. and long to see the sweet face of my Barry. LIFE hurts! now, my innocence is gone, I now know that this is all so so so fleeting and yet, I try to appreciate every moment left with lovedones...

blessings, Vee, Colorado

Permalink Reply by Vee Herrera Michrina on April 2, 2013 at 10:06pm

Dearest Jim, I am so sorry for the loss of your beloved, Betty. I too just lost my darling, Barry, last April. and yes, it is a year, but you too will see in one year, and two or 5, we still long for them and cannot believe it!!!!! Barry was an Anthropology professor who was the humblest of men I knew, he lived his life for others and had planned to retire this year and he passed in his sleep last April 16th. I More than miss him!! I LONG For him and daily my brain pretends its not real! he’s out there somewhere If I just look long enough, I’ll find him--or If I could just “find his new phone number” makes no sense!!

How do you cope? daily? Do you keep her picture close by? does that help ?
I have to find a way to appropriately honor this first anniversary this April 16th???
I look for him daily and miss him with so many reminderss...

I learned that we never feel we appreciated the love as much as we could have (due to the stark reality of loss now). 

I am so sorry for your huge loss : (
Blessings and gentle hugs, Vee, COloraod

Jim Charles said:

Recently I searched the internet to find a website to help me cope with the lost of my wife, Betty.  My search was to find a source to help me understand why I was feeling lost. Betty and I were married for over 35 years and we had planned to spend more time together after I retire.  Unfortunately a year before I had decided to retire, my wife was told that she had terminal cancer.  Each day I hoped and prayed that she would get well, but after several surgeries and treatments she passed away on November 13, 2011.  My faith was shattered and my will to live was no longer with me.  Even today I have a difficult time trying to find reasons why this had to happened to me just when we were going to enjoy our time together.  We planned to visit families and I was looking forward to just having those nice quiet walks we used to take whenever I was on leave.  Even though my lovely wife passed away over a year ago, I still have difficulties trying to adjust to a different lifestyle.  Days of wondering if I can make it without her presence or touch.  Life just doesn't seem normal for me anymore.  Both of my children are grown and live nearby which gives me comfort because I can see a little of my wife's attributes in each of them.  Each day I try to pray and ask the Lord for comfort and to rid my emotional pain.  The pain is still with me, but I feel I can go another day.  I don't think we ever remove the pain for our loss only to adjust in small ways to live another day.  Take Care....j

Permalink Reply by Vee Herrera Michrina on April 14, 2013 at 10:59pm

Charles, Beloved the Lord is with us...

I SO appreciate your reply! As you know grief is such a loney lonely empty place. I am new to this..it will be a year this Tuesday : ( I am trying to figure out how I can commemorate it. I have a big back yard so was thinking of making a garden area (of course that’s a large feat, but I can BEGIN IT). Your story resonates with me, although I wish Barry and I would of had that many years, but what are those years when they are past and lost in the sense that the cord has been broken--for now. As a believer in Christ, I believe we’ll see our lovedones again. It’s my great hope! I wish I could go back and have one more moment with Barry; coffee talk; walk the dogs; shop; text; and our daily chats on the phone. ISNT the phone part one of the hardest???? to me it is!! I go crazy with grief and loss when I wish I could “Just find his new phone number!!” “IF I could only find Barry, It would be okay”. My bargaining stage seems to be hanging on. Or my denial stage.
I saw a therapist too: I saw the Hospice counselor and a psychiatrist and it helps...

I also keep pictures of my Barry and it really helps to feel close. 
He would love to hear you studied Anthropology, He studied and also did some kind of sabatical there I think??? He talked of Durango often. Durango is beautiful!!

I see it as GOD chooses how long I have now, and so I must do my duty and do my best, it helps me feel better about surviving I think. Ive also learned that when we pass, no one can replace us--we are irreplaceable. 

I too have grandchildren: 2; ages 1 year and 3 years. I find so much joy in their cute faces. I have a daughter and her hubby moved to Salida for his policeman job and I miss her so much...

I thank you for writing to me. So you are about a year and half in...Hospice counselor told me it takes at least 2 years to feel a little “okay or normal” again. How sad for us now to imagine that, it’s lke we are letting them go. But we know we’ll never let go.

blessings, Vee

Permalink Reply by Vee Herrera Michrina on April 14, 2013 at 11:05pm

Jim Charles, I sent you an earlier message. But wanted to add how wonderful for you that you got your M.A. in Anthropology. Barry was very interested in Hermeneutics and the Native American Culture. He also wrote a book on the families of coal miners:( Pennsylvania Coal Mining Families: Dignity in the Coalfiends). He was so compassionate and so good at seeing the tiniest nuances of a person. He was so so generous with me too! he was the most sensitive man I ever met. I am so sad and so shocked, still, that he is gone. I am sure you know exaclty what I mean. 
Thanks JC, Vee

Jim Charles said:

Vee, thank you for your kind words.  I'm very sorry about your lost.  Barry sounds like he was an interesting individual especially with his background and education as an Anthropologist.  I went to school in Durango and received a degree in Anthropology and later obtained an MA in Anthropology because it held such an interest to understand other cultures.  Yes, each day is a reminder to me of Betty and there isn't a day that has gone by that I don't think about her.  Some days are hard and other days I feel that everything will be okay.  How do I cope?  It's not easy and for the first year all I did was not believing what had happened.  I used to call Betty almost each day just to talk with her and let her know what is going on at work and we would talk about our daily routines.  I miss those calls and miss sitting down with Betty. My therapist recommended that I take walks each day, which I try to do and it helps a little.  I even try to set a goal each day to focus my mind on a task or two just to keep myself from thinking too much about my wife.  My son and daughter, who live nearby keeps me busy and so that helps plus my three grandkids do keep me entertain.  My wife's picture are almost in each room and each day I stop for a minute or two and look at the photo and try to remember something that we did in the past such as a trip we took, something funny we used to do, or say to each other.  I know its hard but I've learned to adjust and try to convince myself that the Lord has given me another day on earth to do something to honor my wife.  What I have found to help is to find someone to talk to about your spouse because this helps to keep the memories alive of the fun times. I hope everything turns out well for you this week.  Hope this helps..Jim

Permalink Reply by Raquel Santiago on May 11, 2013 at 12:47pm

On May 7th my stepfather passed in Toledo, Ohio and the showing and funeral were days apart, May 9th showing funeral May 10th this was after battliing cancer for 7 years.   He was 90.  As a crisis/grief counselor many times its easier for me to separate emotions when dealing with a client who has lost a loved one but when it really hits home, nothing, not even education can prepare us for the pain.  He was buried with military honors.  Now im just trying to get through the last few days of classes and my final papers and going through the motions b ut feeling nothing but pain and remembering my partner who was killed by a drunk driver in 2003.  R.I.P Paul Poe Sr, he leaves behind a huge legacy and even bigger shoes to fill and a lot of grief that will heal over time but this one is going to take a long time.  My half-brother Junior gave up his life in November to Cancer and just found out that my niece was put into a medically-induced coma due to cancer.  Not sure how much more pain this family can take but we are strong.

Permalink Reply by Joanna Martinez on July 27, 2013 at 11:39pm

This past Sunday, July 21st 2013, I lost my best friend and boyfriend of 5 years to an overdose. He was 28 years old. I loved him so so much and I know he loved me. I still love him and I always will. I miss him so much and I don't understand why he had to be taken from me. I would do anything just to have him back, to make this have not have happened. I talked to him Saturday night on the phone and said goodnight like we always did every other night. On Sunday, I called him all day and got no answer. By 3pm I was getting worried and I drove the half hour to his house, angry and thinking he drank too much the night before and was sleeping late. I banged on the windows and on the door and tried to throw rocks up at his bedroom window, all to no avail. I ended up breaking into the house through the back door to the porch and as soon as I got the door open, my love, my best friend, the one who had my heart was motionless on the living room couch, face down onto the coffee table. I yelled, "Babe" over and over and as soon as I touched him I knew he was gone. He had passed hours before I got there. There are so many thoughts running through my head right now and my heart is broken. I am just so, so sad and I want my best friend and the one I was in love with back. I want to hug him, kiss him, tell him I love him. All I can do is hope he hears me now. He was in so much pain while alive and at least he isn't anymore. What's worse is that we both had the same disease and I now have to deal with this huge horrible loss and at the same time worry about how I'm going to get clean and stay clean like I always thought we would together. I wish this all could just be a nightmare and he would call me and I could hear his voice again and I could hug him again. It's so hard to accept that he's gone forever, that I'll never get to see him or talk to him again. Forever is a long time and I can't understand why, at 28 he was ripped from everyone who loved him.

Permalink Reply by Raquel Santiago on July 28, 2013 at 6:27pm

Thanks James, its been difficult.  I have had to be strong for the rest of the family.  My sister she is not doing so well.  She has totally given up on life and isnt even fighting for hers anymore.  My very frustrated hands are being tied since i live in San Francisco and she lives in Toledo, Ohio.  I have done everything I possibly can to help her and them from here but her grief is so strong and she has a huge support network but these diseases are dragging her down as are the recent family deaths.  I have prayed for every angel from every belief possible (good ones) to come down and protect her and I know they are but she has to want to fight and have her life back.  I cant do that for her no matter how much i want to.  And no matter how much i want take that grief away from her and into myself to ease her pain.

Permalink Reply by Vee Herrera Michrina on July 29, 2013 at 12:37am

Dearest Joanna, I am SO SORRY for your huge loss! I too lost my boyfriend (last spring) and he died in his sleep and didnt show up for work at the college, where he was a professor. I took wondered why he didnt call me nor answer his phone all day.
I remember the acute shock stage when it’s that new to you. I am stil in disbelief after just 14 months. WOW! I am so sorry! Please let yourself feel it all, because grief cannot be avoided, only walked through like walking through fire--but maybe worse : (
I today especially feel this hollow empty loneliness that he alone could fill.

You said he was in pain/was he in physical pain? depression? 

I have severe chronic pain from a neck injury and my bf was my angel and was the most amazing support.

It is so hard to accept they are gone from this world from us. To me, the moments I truly “get a glimpse of the truth” of him not being here with me again is so overwhelming that my brain just shuts it off and I wander through the motions of life with this daze. 

And honey, we DONT’ UNDERSTAND HOW AND WHY THEY WERE TORN FROM US? I was so angry at God and even at Barry for leaving me. It’ sso soooooooooooooooooooo painful!!

Please see a hospice counselor (It’s free!) call them and set up some counseling sessions, they are so good at helping us vent our feelings and get some of the endless cycle of tears out.

Joanna, one thing that really helps me: I keep a picture of Barry next to my bed, I wear his jewelry, his hat, I talk to him as if he was here. I also have seen signgs of him: I saw a beautiful robin out my bedroom window , 2x on the worst pain days...I felt it was him trying to get through to me and he sent that lil bird with the message that he loved me.

Joanna, he will never stop to loving you!!! the Bible says that LOVE is always, it endures ALL THINGS! (even death of our body). And also your beloved is safe with the Lord! the Bible says that “Nothing can seperate us from the LOVE of GOD” and  your love for him is love of God and he is not alone...

I am so sorry and understand your anguish now. Remember to honor your feelings, take time to reflect and honor his memory it helps so much

blessings, Vee, COlorado : (

Permalink Reply by Vee Herrera Michrina on July 29, 2013 at 12:39am

Well said Jim. I lost my beloved last year and your story reminded me of my own experience of not wanting to eat, or accept it and more. Even now at 14 months in, I am numb to the world, cant taste m food, am lonely and still in disbelief and on the days I do believe it, I block it out again. 
ANd what helps me cope is the love we had and his pictures and knowing that LOVE DOES NOT END. NEVER 

BLESSINGS, Vee, Colorado 

Jim Charles said:

Joanna,  First, I want to say I'm sorry about the sudden lost of your best friend.  Your description of what happened reminded me of how I found my wife when she passed away from cancer.  All I could do is kneel beside her and kept repeating her name, knowing that she was gone and I didn't get a chance to say all the things that I wanted to tell her.  It's hard, I know, and the next few days will be difficult to cope with the lost.  I went through a period of not knowing; not eating; confused what to do next; and not wanting to live alone.  Each day I kept waiting for her to call out my name like she used to each morning, but it was not to be...Please, don't give up! It took time for me to finally accept that she was gone but not from my memory and she will always have a place in my heart.  Jim

Permalink Reply by Joanna Martinez on July 29, 2013 at 1:00pm

Thank you for your kind words. My boyfriend was in a great deal of emotional pain, depression, self hatred, anxiety. I know that he only wanted to escape those feelings because I also feel the way he felt and it's hard to sit in that pain. I just always wanted him to realize how much he mattered and I don't think he could see it. The only comfort is that he is now at peace, despite me being in so much pain from losing him. I too look for signs that he is still with me. I talk to him and tell him how much I miss him. All I can do is go through it and feel the sadness and grief and deal with it minute to minute. I too am terribly sorry for everyone here who has lost a loved one.

Permalink Reply by Vee Herrera Michrina on July 29, 2013 at 2:20pm

HI Jim, How are you now? In a way we want to get better with dealing with the pain, and it seems part of us wants to hold on the pain as it’s all we have left of them in some strange way (makes no sense I know but grief doesnt always make sense : (

I know you lost your beloved wife recently as well. I lost my beloved last April and Im still angry and sad and to be honest, I am still pretending it “aint so”. If I let myself know it--really know it! I feel I’ll go crazy and fall of the cliff of loss...

I keep super busy and numb my mind with sleep, walking our dogs and even being distant from the world. I think if I keep distant from the world, I’ll not have to face the facts. 
And when it does become “Better” what does that feel like? will we miss them as much and somehow our mind organizes them into a beautiful memory that hurts less??? why am I so afraid of this too? why am I such a basket case that noone knows from the outside--or maybe they do.

Were you liket any of this? and how are you now? what is good in your life now?

blessings, Vee

Colorado summer is hot this year!!!! 

Jim Charles said:

Joanna,  First, I want to say I'm sorry about the sudden lost of your best friend.  Your description of what happened reminded me of how I found my wife when she passed away from cancer.  All I could do is kneel beside her and kept repeating her name, knowing that she was gone and I didn't get a chance to say all the things that I wanted to tell her.  It's hard, I know, and the next few days will be difficult to cope with the lost.  I went through a period of not knowing; not eating; confused what to do next; and not wanting to live alone.  Each day I kept waiting for her to call out my name like she used to each morning, but it was not to be...Please, don't give up! It took time for me to finally accept that she was gone but not from my memory and she will always have a place in my heart.  Jim

Permalink Reply by Vee Herrera Michrina on July 29, 2013 at 2:29pm

Natalie Merchant wrote a beautiful song about a man mourning his BELOVED WIFE
I lost my beloved Barry and I can really feelt his song.

Here it is live but if you cant hear the lyrics clearly enough, try a different seach “My Beloved WIfe” Natalie Merchant, she is a great singer songwriter. She is so sensitive to the world. AND SO WAS MY BARRY!
I am considering going back to school to get my counseling certificat to honor my beloved. ( He helped me earn my B.A. in Sociology but I am not working due to chronic pain from a car accident Barry and I were in in 2006). I MISS MY BELOVED EVERYTHING...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1v4KVtJER1E

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LXaThuhn45U

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