Things NEVER to say to a grieving spouse

I'm sure some of you (as I did) experienced some of the most insensitive or thoughtless remarks after the passing of your spouse.

Some people are well-meaning, but their words come across wrong. While others you just wish they'd learn that when you don't know what to say silence would be much better than their endless ramblings because sooner or later they're going to put their foot in their mouth.

What do you feel should never be said to a grieving person?

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Permalink Reply by Maximo Lopez Jr on April 26, 2012 at 10:46am

It's really amazing how insensitive people could be to us, but they are. During the period of time while my wife was dying, I made a few mistakes at work, I had a toxic boss, and he came down on me severely for everything. But one day in his office, I just tried to make a small statement on how I will do better and mentioned my wife and he replied with "Aw; when life happened to you, when are you gonna stop leaning on that as a crutch?" I kept myself from lunging across his desk, which is probably what he wanted me to do. I lost my job at the end of that year, two months after I spoke up about him. once again I wish the best to everyone here.

Permalink Reply by Marsha H on April 27, 2012 at 5:14am

Maximo, my condolences and heart go out to you on the loss of your wife. It is not uncommon for some boss' to just not give a damn and have no heart, but take strength in knowing your boss has not met his true grief yet and he will have to live with what he has said and done. My husband worked for a Yacht company for many years and when he passed away last April 27th, I phoned his boss to tell him to let my husband's crew know when the 'Celebration of Life' would be. I was shocked once at the 'Celebration of Life' that I only saw a couple of people I knew my husband had worked with and they no longer worked for the same company. A month later I found out my husband's boss hadn't told the crew and the guys were very upset. I was going to let it go, but I sent a letter to that ass and let him know what I thought of his cold and uncaring ways he had after all the many problems my husband got him out of. The company hadn't even sent a card or flowers or any acknowledgement.

How are you doing now? You know you have a shoulder to lean on anytime.

Big bear hug

Marcy

It's really amazing how insensitive people could be to us, but they are. During the period of time while my wife was dying, I made a few mistakes at work, I had a toxic boss, and he came down on me severely for everything. But one day in his office, I just tried to make a small statement on how I will do better and mentioned my wife and he replied with "Aw; when life happened to you, when are you gonna stop leaning on that as a crutch?" I kept myself from lunging across his desk, which is probably what he wanted me to do. I lost my job at the end of that year, two months after I spoke up about him. once again I wish the best to everyone here.

Permalink Reply by Maximo Lopez Jr on April 27, 2012 at 2:17pm

Marcy, thank you for your reply, it was very uplifting to have read. I am doing o.k, still looking for work. Please accept my condolences for the loss of your husband, especially on this day, and I'm sorry you had to deal with such an ass. But I'm glad to hear that you sent that letter and addressed his lack of sensitivity and appreciation for his valuable service, that shows good character, I wish I had done the same. Thank you again for the shoulder, and the big bear hug, I offer you mine as well, Take care.

Best regards

Max

Marcy Dawn Maday said:

Maximo, my condolences and heart go out to you on the loss of your wife. It is not uncommon for some boss' to just not give a damn and have no heart, but take strength in knowing your boss has not met his true grief yet and he will have to live with what he has said and done. My husband worked for a Yacht company for many years and when he passed away last April 27th, I phoned his boss to tell him to let my husband's crew know when the 'Celebration of Life' would be. I was shocked once at the 'Celebration of Life' that I only saw a couple of people I knew my husband had worked with and they no longer worked for the same company. A month later I found out my husband's boss hadn't told the crew and the guys were very upset. I was going to let it go, but I sent a letter to that ass and let him know what I thought of his cold and uncaring ways he had after all the many problems my husband got him out of. The company hadn't even sent a card or flowers or any acknowledgement.

How are you doing now? You know you have a shoulder to lean on anytime.

Big bear hug

Marcy

It's really amazing how insensitive people could be to us, but they are. During the period of time while my wife was dying, I made a few mistakes at work, I had a toxic boss, and he came down on me severely for everything. But one day in his office, I just tried to make a small statement on how I will do better and mentioned my wife and he replied with "Aw; when life happened to you, when are you gonna stop leaning on that as a crutch?" I kept myself from lunging across his desk, which is probably what he wanted me to do. I lost my job at the end of that year, two months after I spoke up about him. once again I wish the best to everyone here.

Permalink Reply by Marsha H on April 28, 2012 at 5:22am

Hi Maximo ... it is my honor to reply to your post and I am so happy it was uplifting for you. I am also happy you are doing OK, but I know how you really feel deep inside and it is not easy, but all of us who have lost a loved one have to go on for their sake. I sure hope you find a job soon as that can be quite a stress. Thank you for the condolences regarding my husband and yes, April 27th was a tough day for me. I had my cries, but then I shaped up and moved forward because I know I am not the only one suffering a loss of a loved one. I am so very lucky to be on this forum which has helped me and meeting people such as yourself which helps to keep one strong and put some perspective into my life. My family and friends were around to try to keep my mind off things, but you know how that goes ... you smile; laugh sometimes, but your mind slips back to the one you loved and lost. It just takes time to heal from a broken heart.

All of us are different and grieve in different ways and I'm generally a gentle person, but when someone hurts a loved one of mine I'm like a Pitt Bull and no matter how grief stricken I was I had to report this specialist. He won't get fired, but the Physicians and Surgeons will be on his case for at least a good year and he'll be watched like a hawk and also have a lot of paperwork to do. The best I can hope for is he learns his lesson to be more compassionate towards his patients and an ulcer or two for him wouldn't bother me in the least. LOL Don't be so hard on yourself my friend ... you did the best you could and surviving takes all the energy we have. You are doing wonderfully because you are moving forward as best you can and there will be happier days for you which I am sure your wife would want for you. She is around and watching over you.

Please keep in touch and I'm around to talk anytime you need to talk. You deserve the bear hug and thanks for the same back.

Marcy

Marcy, thank you for your reply, it was very uplifting to have read. I am doing o.k, still looking for work.  Please accept my condolences for the loss of your husband, especially on this day, and I'm sorry you had to deal with such an ass. But I'm glad to hear that you sent that letter and addressed his lack of sensitivity and appreciation for his valuable service, that shows good character, I wish I had done the same. Thank you again for the shoulder, and the big bear hug, I offer you mine as well, Take care.

Best regards

Max

Marcy Dawn Maday said:

Maximo, my condolences and heart go out to you on the loss of your wife. It is not uncommon for some boss' to just not give a damn and have no heart, but take strength in knowing your boss has not met his true grief yet and he will have to live with what he has said and done. My husband worked for a Yacht company for many years and when he passed away last April 27th, I phoned his boss to tell him to let my husband's crew know when the 'Celebration of Life' would be. I was shocked once at the 'Celebration of Life' that I only saw a couple of people I knew my husband had worked with and they no longer worked for the same company.  A month later I found out my husband's boss hadn't told the crew and the guys were very upset. I was going to let it go, but I sent a letter to that ass and let him know what I thought of his cold and uncaring ways he had after all the many problems my husband got him out of. The company hadn't even sent a card or flowers or any acknowledgement.

How are you doing now? You know you have a shoulder to lean on anytime.

Big bear hug

Marcy

It's really amazing how insensitive people could be to us, but they are. During the period of time while my wife was dying, I made a few mistakes at work, I had a toxic boss, and he came down on me severely for everything. But one day in his office, I just tried to make a small statement on how I will do better and mentioned my wife and he replied with "Aw; when life happened to you, when are you gonna stop leaning on that as a crutch?" I kept myself from lunging across his desk, which is probably what he wanted me to do. I lost my job at the end of that year, two months after I spoke up about him. once again I wish the best to everyone here.

Permalink Reply by S.A. Brobin on April 28, 2012 at 1:47pm

Plenty of people blame this wicked thing on our Loving Creator. First, no one who loves you would want to hurt you in any way. Actually, James 4 :17 says straightforwardly that "with wicked things God does not try any one" What could be more wicked than killing our loved ones'. Secondly, he promises to get rid us of our pain, sorrow, sickness and death (Revelation 21:3,4.). Death was never part of God's plan for us. In fact, he refers to death as an enemy, 1 Corinthians 15:26 says “As the last enemy, death is to be brought to nothing.”. We can not blame God. Roman 5;12 tell us it was Adam who brought death upon us it says “ That is why, just as through one man sin entered into the world and DEATH THROUGH SIN, and thus death spread to all men because they had all sinned”

God is a Happy God,a God of Love and Comfort so he wants our happiness.We don't have to grieve alone. In fact he is near to us right now. Psalms 34:18 says " God is near to those that are broken at heart. And to those who are crushed in spirit he saves". It would be my pleasure to share more with you if you care to know what the Bible says about Gods plans for us don't listen to people who don't know our loving creator. Jesus said “forgive them because they know not what they do(say).”

Marcy Dawn Maday said:

Oh yes, been there and heard that. I think for some who say such senseless things really don't mean it and feel they need to say something. Even though I am a Christian I do not like people telling me that 'God has a plan or knows best.' All I know is I lost my best friend and lover and it hurts deeply so who cares about what plan there is in the future. The fear we all go through after the shock of losing our loved one is a rough journey and we tend to sometimes question our religious beliefs (part of grieving.) Here's another good one 'life goes on ... it is what it is.' HUH? We all know about birth; living and dying, but the pain of a spouse or a child has to be the worst. I have also had the odd person say to me that it's almost been a year so when am I going to get over the grieving. I wanna smack 'em down!

Permalink Reply by Dee W on May 3, 2012 at 10:19pm

I've felt the same many times over the past few months. I try to be the old me but I just can't...what I've gone through over this past year has forever changed me.
I agree with your statement..."going on with life is the hard part" Thankfully, I have my kids and they are what causes me to go on and to get through this.

Marcy Dawn Maday said:

I think these people who expect us to get over the grieving in a few weeks; a few months or even a year want the old 'us' back, but I've told all my friends who have been very kind to me that I will never be quite 'me' ever again. I don't know for sure if they understand that until they have to go through it. I do understand how you must have felt when that lady said so simply 'he is with Jesus.' All we know is we miss our loved one and part of us goes with them. I liked what the Pator said. I always tell my family and friends 'dying is the easy part; going on in life is the hard part.'

Permalink Reply by Dee W on May 3, 2012 at 10:26pm

I'm so sorry that happened! People just do not nor can they understand the intense pain and how it affects how you think and act/react until they've gone through it them-self.

I have a relative who's boss lost his wife. She gets very upset with things he says or does and I am constantly reminding her that he's grieving...that it's his grief talking and reacting, not him.

I hope you found a better job...when you're trying to heal from such a devastating blow, you do not need to be hounded or abused by insensitive people.

Marcy, I'm sorry about your husband's uncaring and insensitive former boss. Amazing how heartless people can be...until it happens to them.

Maximo Lopez Jr said:

It's really amazing how insensitive people could be to us, but they are. During the period of time while my wife was dying, I made a few mistakes at work, I had a toxic boss, and he came down on me severely for everything. But one day in his office, I just tried to make a small statement on how I will do better and mentioned my wife and he replied with "Aw; when life happened to you, when are you gonna stop leaning on that as a crutch?" I kept myself from lunging across his desk, which is probably what he wanted me to do. I lost my job at the end of that year, two months after I spoke up about him. once again I wish the best to everyone here.

Permalink Reply by Dee W on May 3, 2012 at 10:45pm

Marcy, I apologize for not checking in here this past week to see how you were making it through. For some reason I thought the one year mark for you was toward the beginning of the month. How are you doing?

It's been a hectic couple weeks with some travel which was hard at first because we ended up visiting places with lots of memories. Today marks one year since my husband passed. I've had my tears but tried to get past them quickly since my children all seem to be doing well. I don't know if any of them realize the significance of the date although I'm sure they heard me mentioning that it was upcoming over the past week to friends. Each day is tough and each day is another day we are learning to live without him so I just went on about the day without broaching the subject.

I'm so thankful to have many wonderful friends (and at least one family member) who have either called or text me to check on me over the past couple days. It helps to know people care and haven't forgotten.

Marcy Dawn Maday said:

Hi Maximo ... it is my honor to reply to your post and I am so happy it was uplifting for you. I am also happy you are doing OK, but I know how you really feel deep inside and it is not easy, but all of us who have lost a loved one have to go on for their sake. I sure hope you find a job soon as that can be quite a stress. Thank you for the condolences regarding my husband and yes, April 27th was a tough day for me. I had my cries, but then I shaped up and moved forward because I know I am not the only one suffering a loss of a loved one. I am so very lucky to be on this forum which has helped me and meeting people such as yourself which helps to keep one strong and put some perspective into my life. My family and friends were around to try to keep my mind off things, but you know how that goes ... you smile; laugh sometimes, but your mind slips back to the one you loved and lost. It just takes time to heal from a broken heart.

All of us are different and grieve in different ways and I'm generally a gentle person, but when someone hurts a loved one of mine I'm like a Pitt Bull and no matter how grief stricken I was I had to report this specialist. He won't get fired, but the Physicians and Surgeons will be on his case for at least a good year and he'll be watched like a hawk and also have a lot of paperwork to do. The best I can hope for is he learns his lesson to be more compassionate towards his patients and an ulcer or two for him wouldn't bother me in the least. LOL Don't be so hard on yourself my friend ... you did the best you could and surviving takes all the energy we have. You are doing wonderfully because you are moving forward as best you can and there will be happier days for you which I am sure your wife would want for you. She is around and watching over you.

Please keep in touch and I'm around to talk anytime you need to talk. You deserve the bear hug and thanks for the same back.

Marcy

Permalink Reply by Dee W on May 3, 2012 at 11:00pm

Yes, some do get angry and blame God for "taking" their loved one from them. But there is a time appointed for each of us to die just as there is a time for each of us to be born. No, death was not originally part of God's plan...it came because of sin...but our Loving Creator made a way to abolish that sting of death and that is what gives us hope and peace. It doesn't diminish the pain we feel from being separated from the one we love but it gives us peace and assurance they are waiting for us and we will see them again some day.

We do forgive those who have said hurtful things to us but unless the topic is discussed, people will remain clueless as to what to say or what not to say to a grieving person.

S.A. Brobin said:

Plenty of people blame this wicked thing on our Loving Creator. First, no one who loves you would want to hurt you in any way. Actually, James 4 :17 says straightforwardly that "with wicked things God does not try any one" What could be more wicked than killing our loved ones'. Secondly, he promises to get rid us of our pain, sorrow, sickness and death (Revelation 21:3,4.). Death was never part of God's plan for us. In fact, he refers to death as an enemy, 1 Corinthians 15:26 says “As the last enemy, death is to be brought to nothing.”. We can not blame God. Roman 5;12 tell us it was Adam who brought death upon us it says “ That is why, just as through one man sin entered into the world and DEATH THROUGH SIN, and thus death spread to all men because they had all sinned”

God is a Happy God,a God of Love and Comfort so he wants our happiness.We don't have to grieve alone. In fact he is near to us right now. Psalms 34:18 says " God is near to those that are broken at heart. And to those who are crushed in spirit he saves". It would be my pleasure to share more with you if you care to know what the Bible says about Gods plans for us don't listen to people who don't know our loving creator. Jesus said “forgive them because they know not what they do(say).”

Marcy Dawn Maday said:

Oh yes, been there and heard that. I think for some who say such senseless things really don't mean it and feel they need to say something. Even though I am a Christian I do not like people telling me that 'God has a plan or knows best.' All I know is I lost my best friend and lover and it hurts deeply so who cares about what plan there is in the future. The fear we all go through after the shock of losing our loved one is a rough journey and we tend to sometimes question our religious beliefs (part of grieving.) Here's another good one 'life goes on ... it is what it is.' HUH? We all know about birth; living and dying, but the pain of a spouse or a child has to be the worst. I have also had the odd person say to me that it's almost been a year so when am I going to get over the grieving. I wanna smack 'em down!

Permalink Reply by Marsha H on May 4, 2012 at 4:45am

Permalink Reply by Dee W 5 hours ago

Dee ... bless your heart. I know what you are going through and I know it is far more difficult for you because of the children whereas I can let it 'all hang out.' I was having a rough day on Ernie's Anniversary of his death, but like you, I was surrounded by those that love me and I am so thank for that as well as friends on the Internet who have known me for a long while. I had renewed faith that they remembered it was one year after Ernie's passing on April 27th.

I also know what you mean re traveling and the memories. My girlfriend and I are going to hopefully go away to San Francisco in the Fall if I can get through my surgery and put more weight on. I know I want to live and move forward as I was able to get a great Dietician to help me get more calories into my body. I am constantly eating and the weight is holding, but I need a good 30 lbs. on me right now. I agree with you that each day is tough for all of us, but we seem to gain strength and move forward even with a few setbacks. Sometimes I just feel over-whelmed, but give myself a good slap and keep moving. Time does heal that very tender pain in our hearts.

I apologize myself for not knowing it was your one year anniversary of the death of your loved one. Half the time one day just seems to run into another for me. I am so happy that you have wonderful freinds and a family member as well as friends texting you as it gives us the courage to go on. You hang in there girlie because I do think of you often and I thank you so very much for putting your own pain aside to console people such as myself.

Big Hugs

Marcy

Permalink Reply by Patti Pritchard on January 31, 2013 at 4:12am

My partner of 5 years died 3 weeks ago... The DAYAFTER he died his exe wife sent me a text message telling me to get his things together because she was sending someone to pick up "her childrens belongings"... His children are adults and had not communicated with their dad during any of the year they had known he was sick...

Permalink Reply by Anne Keazer on January 31, 2013 at 6:00am

With the passing of my second husband one woman asked me "Did your kids (from a previous marriage) REALLY even know or really have a relationship with him?" My jaw dropped and I said "Of course they knew him, we were married and we were a family". I guess she wanted to think my kids were not really grieving the loss of their stepfather. Also don't ever, ever, ever tell the grieving that they will find someone else. This is the second husband I have laid to rest and just breathing is a struggle most days, I am NOT looking for a replacement.