Things NEVER to say to a grieving spouse

I'm sure some of you (as I did) experienced some of the most insensitive or thoughtless remarks after the passing of your spouse.

Some people are well-meaning, but their words come across wrong. While others you just wish they'd learn that when you don't know what to say silence would be much better than their endless ramblings because sooner or later they're going to put their foot in their mouth.

What do you feel should never be said to a grieving person?

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Permalink Reply by Dee W on April 2, 2012 at 1:37am

#1 on my list = Do NOT tell the person they'll find someone else when they're sitting only a few feet away from the casket of the one they love!

Permalink Reply by Tatjana Kowand on April 2, 2012 at 9:16am

How about...from my step-mother..."well now you can get on with your own life"....this after I was my husbands caregiver for the year we were married....I would give anything to have that year back!

Permalink Reply by janeo on April 2, 2012 at 9:04pm

I never wear makeup, so this one day I did cause I needed to do something differently than my usual routine. When this lady I work with said oh your wearing makeup looking for a boyfriend. It took all my might not to say anything. She knows me for 17 years she knew what my husband meant to me. Why are people so rude.All I was doing was trying to make myself feel better on the outside cause inside I'm dying.

Permalink Reply by Dee W on April 3, 2012 at 6:13pm

Tatjana, that must have hurt so deeply especially coming from family who should know how painful it is losing him.

Jane, I agree that was very insensitive. Perhaps she was merely trying to show her support of you finding love and happiness once again...still, it wasn't the appropriate thing to say. They just do not understand the intense pain we are experiencing.

Permalink Reply by Dee W on April 3, 2012 at 6:17pm

#2 on my list...

I ended up going into shock and my potassium level dropped drastically the night my husband passed. While laying in the ER, the doctor came in and callously said, "Sorry for your loss but life goes on."
I know life goes on but that night at that moment, my world came crashing down! I could NOT believe he said that to me!

Permalink Reply by Tatjana Kowand on April 3, 2012 at 7:41pm

Wow Dee!! Now THAT doctor needs a whole bunch of lessons in bedside manner...omg! I can not believe a Doctor would be so callous!

Permalink Reply by linda wilkie on April 15, 2012 at 1:49pm

want to hear another good one from a dr that was for 10 years my moms heart dr. when she was in hospital he went in and said,well dorothy there isn't anything else we can do,you're going to dye. at thatpoint my mom quite fighting and gave up,she told me that she took off her glasses and oxygen layed back and just waited. honestly this is an 84 year old woman who was doing everything to stay hopeful, and this ass and his partner took all that away from her. she never got out of the hospital,three months and she passed . then after two months the dr's office called and wanted to know why she didn't come to appoitment.unbelievable!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Permalink Reply by janeo on April 15, 2012 at 4:37pm

I'm so sorry that happened that way especially when a Dr says something so insensvive. Some people just have no heart. I think this excuse my language asshole should of retired or wrong occupation.

Permalink Reply by Dee W on April 19, 2012 at 12:01am

Tatjana, I agree, he definitely does!

Linda, I'm so sorry that happened to you and your mother! That doctor seems uneducated (or perhaps uncaring...or both) to the fact that HOPE helps people survive and fight. It's what gives them a will and reason to go on.

I had another incident with the doctor's office that I just remembered: my husband had just passed the day before, I can't think straight, I'm in shock, I have family coming in, I'm trying to find places for them to stay, as well as making funeral arrangements...then I realized I had a dr's appt the next day. I call to re-schedule and the scheduling desk was giving me the hardest time even tho I told them over and over "my husband just passed away!" They didn't seem to care and expected me to show up the next day for the appt. Finally, they agreed to re-schedule.

Permalink Reply by Marsha H on April 19, 2012 at 5:12am

Oh yes, been there and heard that. I think for some who say such senseless things really don't mean it and feel they need to say something. Even though I am a Christian I do not like people telling me that 'God has a plan or knows best.' All I know is I lost my best friend and lover and it hurts deeply so who cares about what plan there is in the future. The fear we all go through after the shock of losing our loved one is a rough journey and we tend to sometimes question our religious beliefs (part of grieving.) Here's another good one 'life goes on ... it is what it is.' HUH? We all know about birth; living and dying, but the pain of a spouse or a child has to be the worst. I have also had the odd person say to me that it's almost been a year so when am I going to get over the grieving. I wanna smack 'em down!

Permalink Reply by Dee W on April 19, 2012 at 9:38pm

How can they think a year would be long enough to "get over" the person who has been a part of your life for all those years? People just do not understand until they've been where we are at.

One lady was trying to help me get over my grief (after only a few short weeks) by saying excitedly over and over "but he's with Jesus!"...."but just think, he's with Jesus!" thinking that would help ease the pain. Finally, another friend piped up and reminded her of what our pastor has often said, "we know where he is but it still hurts knowing where he's not!" Wise words!

Permalink Reply by Marsha H on April 22, 2012 at 4:31am

I think these people who expect us to get over the grieving in a few weeks; a few months or even a year want the old 'us' back, but I've told all my friends who have been very kind to me that I will never be quite 'me' ever again. I don't know for sure if they understand that until they have to go through it. I do understand how you must have felt when that lady said so simply 'he is with Jesus.' All we know is we miss our loved one and part of us goes with them. I liked what the Pator said. I always tell my family and friends 'dying is the easy part; going on in life is the hard part.'

Dee W said:

How can they think a year would be long enough to "get over" the person who has been a part of your life for all those years? People just do not understand until they've been where we are at.

One lady was trying to help me get over my grief (after only a few short weeks) by saying excitedly over and over "but he's with Jesus!"...."but just think, he's with Jesus!" thinking that would help ease the pain. Finally, another friend piped up and reminded her of what our pastor has often said, "we know where he is but it still hurts knowing where he's not!" Wise words!