We are Envied

As crazy as it sounds, it has been brought to my attention by two dear women recently that we, the mourning spouses, are envied! It's another perspective on our situation. This long time acquaintance of mine has become a closer friend since Larry's death. She explained to me this weekend that she is 50 + years old and will likely die without ever having a "true love" or being "loved” at all by a man. It broke my heart. She has been married twice and has two sons, but explained both husbands were abusive in different ways and neither ever loved her. The other woman is a friend from high school that found me on facebook several months ago. She is in her mid-forties and never married or had children. She said she was very envious of my life and family. So, as hard as this is, I am trying to remind myself how blessed I have been. I keep reading here where everyone that has a heart will eventually go through what we are going through one day, but that is not necessarily true. Some very lovely people will never share in a close loving relationship as we have. We are the fortunate ones.

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Permalink Reply by Marlena on February 21, 2011 at 8:28am

Christy,

We truly are blessed!!! As sad and lonely as our new lives are, we know we were (are) loved. I think the more we loved the more pain we feel.

As much as this hurts I would not give up the time we shared and the love we feel for anything.

We are the lucky ones!

Permalink Reply by Carol Kayser on February 21, 2011 at 9:44am

Dear Christy, Rhonda and Marlena.....

I agree! It is better to have been loved at all then never to be loved.....and loved in a way that stays with us for the rest of our lives. Our dear, sweet loved ones will never stop loving us, and us them. We are richer in love and loss than many others who did not experience the depth of the love and commitment we experienced.

Permalink Reply by Floss on February 21, 2011 at 3:41pm

I know I had the best life with my soulmate, and was blessed.

But I am so down at the moment, I feel it is at a price, this thing called love.

So I dont want to go through this feeling ever again. My last 8 months, has been a nightmare, grieving.

Am so angry, I cant speak to him anymore, I cant share anything anymore, with the love of my life. I was not prepared for this loss. I feel sought of brain dead, empty, hard to make decisions, no motivation, can only remember him being so ill, before his passing, cant even remember his voice anymore, just the last moments of his last day.

Am not trusting people, whether they really feel my losses, like I do. His family seem to be invisible at the moment, to think I did so much for their brother, without their help. I dont think they cared as much as I did, this family thing of love is a facade. All you hear is love you, from people, It is just a phrase.

Sorry, about this. That is where I am at the moment. My counselor says, to write a journal. But I cant, so I guess this is sought of my journal to me. She gives me this homework, and of course I cheat, and fill it in on the day, with silly things, as I dont remember, what I done 2weeks ago. Supposed to be filling in a timetable of what I do each day. I will be so happy when I can report to all my friends on here, that I am feeling on top of the world again. I know people say it will take time, I cant wait for that time to happen.

Permalink Reply by Linda O'Connor on February 21, 2011 at 5:17pm

Envied? Don't know that I agree or ever heard that from anyone, but I do know I was loved and still feel that love in my heart from my Kevin. It has been over 2 yrs now, but I miss him still daily. I told him when he was dying that he'd always be in my heart; he couldn't speak, but put his hand over his heart which made me feel he felt the same way. I think that the wonderful love & deep relationship we all had with our spouses will continue to keep us going. That love helped make us all into the persons we are today & we wouldn't be that person without the love we shared. Continue to remember that & the deep feelings we all shared with that wonderful person who is no longer with us; that will help you continue on this crazy journey that we never wanted to go on alone. Love, prayers & Hugs to all.

Permalink Reply by Marlena on February 21, 2011 at 10:51pm

Floss,

You are not alone in how you feel.

We all were definitely cheated out of what we thought we were going to have. You have every right to be angry. For the longest time you will just continue to go through the motions of everyday life. I have no idea how it happens, it just does. You go through the day, sleep, wake up, and do it all over again and before you know it time is passing by.

I always felt like I could never catch up with the rest of the world...my world stopped, why didn't everyone else's. I remember thinking no one could truly understand how I felt. No one loved as deeply as we did, so how could anyone understand. I know that sounds like such a selfish thought, but to me, it was as if I was the only one in the world going through this. I think that is why everyone here is so special to me...you all truly get it. In my world, I still am the only going through this and feeling the pain that I feel, but I know in the world of widowhood...I have a lot of company.

I don't know about every feeling on top of the world again, but there will be a day when there is a little glimmer of hope and until then...You've got everyone here to lift you up when you need it.

Hugs

Floss said:

I know I had the best life with my soulmate, and was blessed.

But I am so down at the moment, I feel it is at a price, this thing called love.

So I dont want to go through this feeling ever again. My last 8 months, has been a nightmare, grieving.

Am so angry, I cant speak to him anymore, I cant share anything anymore, with the love of my life. I was not prepared for this loss. I feel sought of brain dead, empty, hard to make decisions, no motivation, can only remember him being so ill, before his passing, cant even remember his voice anymore, just the last moments of his last day.

Am not trusting people, whether they really feel my losses, like I do. His family seem to be invisible at the moment, to think I did so much for their brother, without their help. I dont think they cared as much as I did, this family thing of love is a facade. All you hear is love you, from people, It is just a phrase.

Sorry, about this. That is where I am at the moment. My counselor says, to write a journal. But I cant, so I guess this is sought of my journal to me. She gives me this homework, and of course I cheat, and fill it in on the day, with silly things, as I dont remember, what I done 2weeks ago. Supposed to be filling in a timetable of what I do each day. I will be so happy when I can report to all my friends on here, that I am feeling on top of the world again. I know people say it will take time, I cant wait for that time to happen.

Permalink Reply by Gail R on February 21, 2011 at 11:19pm

I am 41 years old and my husband was 45 when he passed away. I was very fortunate to love and have been loved by a wonderful man for 21 years. He has been gone for 5 weeks and I miss him so much. I think that you are right when you say that many do envy us because they have never loved or been loved like we have. There were so many friends of mine that were together when my husband and I met that are not together now. Our marriage took a lot of work and dedication on both our parts to last as long as it did. (and we were not planning on leaving each other no time soon) We were at the prime of our marriage. We had just discussed how we had been together all of our adult lives and couldn't see ourselves with anyone else. He was my soul mate I know for sure. I am so grateful God blessed me and found me worthy to share in 21 years of his life. He was truly loved and will be missed dearly by many. There are so many that will never find unconditional love like ours. We are truly blessed.

Permalink Reply by Floss on February 22, 2011 at 3:51am

Thank you Marlena,

I just feel such a mess. I know we all go through these feelings. I was really busy today soughting out my dear Mum's stuff to give to a charity tomorrow. I needed to do that, as there are so many memories lying around my place, that makes me so sad.

I lost mum on the 14 January, 2011. So that is why, I sound so, angry, a double blow in 8months. All I want is to get back to normal, and get my memory back, I hate this forgetfulness, since this has happened. I do pray for all of us here,

Hugs to All

Marlena said:

Floss,

You are not alone in how you feel.

We all were definitely cheated out of what we thought we were going to have. You have every right to be angry. For the longest time you will just continue to go through the motions of everyday life. I have no idea how it happens, it just does. You go through the day, sleep, wake up, and do it all over again and before you know it time is passing by.

I always felt like I could never catch up with the rest of the world...my world stopped, why didn't everyone else's. I remember thinking no one could truly understand how I felt. No one loved as deeply as we did, so how could anyone understand. I know that sounds like such a selfish thought, but to me, it was as if I was the only one in the world going through this. I think that is why everyone here is so special to me...you all truly get it. In my world, I still am the only going through this and feeling the pain that I feel, but I know in the world of widowhood...I have a lot of company.

I don't know about every feeling on top of the world again, but there will be a day when there is a little glimmer of hope and until then...You've got everyone here to lift you up when you need it.

Hugs

Floss said:

I know I had the best life with my soulmate, and was blessed.

But I am so down at the moment, I feel it is at a price, this thing called love.

So I dont want to go through this feeling ever again. My last 8 months, has been a nightmare, grieving.

Am so angry, I cant speak to him anymore, I cant share anything anymore, with the love of my life. I was not prepared for this loss. I feel sought of brain dead, empty, hard to make decisions, no motivation, can only remember him being so ill, before his passing, cant even remember his voice anymore, just the last moments of his last day.

Am not trusting people, whether they really feel my losses, like I do. His family seem to be invisible at the moment, to think I did so much for their brother, without their help. I dont think they cared as much as I did, this family thing of love is a facade. All you hear is love you, from people, It is just a phrase.

Sorry, about this. That is where I am at the moment. My counselor says, to write a journal. But I cant, so I guess this is sought of my journal to me. She gives me this homework, and of course I cheat, and fill it in on the day, with silly things, as I dont remember, what I done 2weeks ago. Supposed to be filling in a timetable of what I do each day. I will be so happy when I can report to all my friends on here, that I am feeling on top of the world again. I know people say it will take time, I cant wait for that time to happen.

Permalink Reply by Virginia on February 22, 2011 at 8:38am

Christy,I do believe in what your friends have said. To truely love and be loved is a blessing and is to be envied. The one thing many couples don't understand is that to have and keep a relationship it is work.Today and for years, so many are onsided the good ole "me" sindrome it is easier to walk away then work it out. It is work from the start ( how can I get them to go out with me ) then to not think it's worth the effort to make it work is sad. I don't know that there is the perfect no work relationship, I know mine wasn't,it was work and we were together 32 yrs. This month it will be 22 months since I lost my husband,it has been one hell of a emotional journey but it was worth it. The years we had and the life and love we were able to enjoy. We talked about everything even what we would do if one of us passed.He said he would find someone else and I said never again.Well today I am involved in another relationship,with a widower who was with his wife for 44 yrs. We are as we say a work in progress I moved 3 states to be with him. We are very fortunate to have this oppertunity to have found each other at this time in our lives.We have so much to be thankfull for.We have been given another chance to be happy and share our lives together. We are able to and do speak about our spouses,our lives with them and our loss. We keep their memories alive they are always with us and in our hearts. Yes there will be another devastation to bare, but this too will be worth it,we are a gift to each other and are ment to be. Hugs to all

Permalink Reply by Jerry on February 22, 2011 at 9:59am

I have to agree that I was lucky to have had 35 wonderful years with someone that was behind me 100 percent. While my wife was in the last few months of her life, we had hospice involved, the nurses that came always told me what a good job I was doing. After a few weeks I asked one of them why they said that to me, She explained that many times when a spouse was sick, the other spouse just backed away from the situation. I told her I was just doing what I know my wife would have done for me if the tables were turned.

Permalink Reply by Elizabeth Nonnemacher on February 22, 2011 at 11:47am

Yes this is true, I am very fortunate to have the love I did for 10 years with my Ron. When you look at the lives other people have had I do believe we are lucky, we have beautiful memories of the love we shared with our loved ones. I smile when I think of those wonderful days.....

Permalink Reply by Christy on February 22, 2011 at 1:24pm

That's wonderful news Virginia! Right now I hate the thought of ever being with anyone else, as much or more as I hate the thought of being alone. The thought of living like this (without our spouses) is agonizing. I am so happy to hear that the two of you found each other. It truely is a blessing; best wishes to you both.

Virginia said:

Christy,I do believe in what your friends have said. To truely love and be loved is a blessing and is to be envied. The one thing many couples don't understand is that to have and keep a relationship it is work.Today and for years, so many are onsided the good ole "me" sindrome it is easier to walk away then work it out. It is work from the start ( how can I get them to go out with me ) then to not think it's worth the effort to make it work is sad. I don't know that there is the perfect no work relationship, I know mine wasn't,it was work and we were together 32 yrs. This month it will be 22 months since I lost my husband,it has been one hell of a emotional journey but it was worth it. The years we had and the life and love we were able to enjoy. We talked about everything even what we would do if one of us passed.He said he would find someone else and I said never again.Well today I am involved in another relationship,with a widower who was with his wife for 44 yrs. We are as we say a work in progress I moved 3 states to be with him. We are very fortunate to have this oppertunity to have found each other at this time in our lives.We have so much to be thankfull for.We have been given another chance to be happy and share our lives together. We are able to and do speak about our spouses,our lives with them and our loss. We keep their memories alive they are always with us and in our hearts. Yes there will be another devastation to bare, but this too will be worth it,we are a gift to each other and are ment to be. Hugs to all

Permalink Reply by Suzanne on February 22, 2011 at 5:03pm

I read somewhere, and I agree with this, that we grieve because we loved so much. Sometimes I think I envy those who never received love because the pain of losing him is so unbearable. To me there are only two kinds of people, those who get it and those who don't. I guess those who never married or felt loved will never really know how this feels. I think the one who wrote, "Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all" was not a widow.

God bless,

Suzanne