Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Mary on October 12, 2010 at 9:29pm

Oh Linda, my friend,

We have all been there with this one. Woulda, coulda and shoulda. If only we had done something different, the outcome might have been different. But chances are it wouldn't have. Circumstance might have been a little different but I don't believe the outcome would have been. God has his own plan and time, we don't know the reason for it and probably never will.

It is natural to be thinking of these things as the anniversary approches. Years ago, I did this same thing when my nine month old baby died and I blamed myself for a long time. I only I had done this or that differently. But God truely needed an angel that day.

I am sure you did everything you could have done for your husband, if there was more to do, you would have done it. Cherish the memories and the years you had with him. Hold tight to them and you will get past this hard time ahead. Call me if you need to, I am here for you. Hugs and love to you.

Permalink Reply by Kathy King Kates on October 12, 2010 at 9:46pm

Yes, linda, Mary is so right about us all feeling the woulda, coulda, shoulda's even when our spouses made their decisions. Your husband chose to have a Living Will so he made the decision for you. He was a grown man and made his choices. My husband chose to have NO MORE IV's tho he had several UTI's and the only thing that kept him going was IV's to rid the infections. He said NO MORE on 1/19 and was gone on 2/25. He even picked a day to give his personal "collections" away to family and friends, asked me to go make his arrangements at the mortuary, gave me detailed directions, said his goodbyes and the day after our daughter arrived from California and told him she would be moving to South Carolina to be with me and help me out on our ranch, he let himself go. It was so very obvious..HE MADE THE CHOICE. It hurt to know he didn't want to go on anymore but he didn't want the pain. We have to accept their choices.. We will be here for you.. lots of hugs..

Permalink Reply by Virginia on October 12, 2010 at 9:48pm

Linda, Hon let me tell you I know it's easy to second guess yourself. My husband was the same way he rarely wanted me to call the squad. After many times going back and forth he won, he was a grown man and if he didn't want to go then that was his choice. The morning he had his heart attack here at home I begged him to let me call them and he hollard at me no he would be ok, he was going to lay down and take a nap. well he laid down and less the 2 minutes later he was having a sezure then quit breathing. I did everything possable, he wound up on life support for 4 days. I second guessed myself, but only for a little bit because I know how hard headed he was and how tired he was and how he didn't like living like he was, to him he wasn't living. We had many conversations on it and yes anger from me because he didn't want to fight anymore to live. As i said in a previous post I wanted him to live for me, we even got into it one time in the intensive care unit he was in, of course it was after they saved him and he was feeling better but he was mad he didn't want to live. I told him your grown refuse your meds if thats what you want. I left the hospital and I never left the hospital 24/7 I was there everytime. I went back the next morning and well he was so happy I came back, he said he was afraid I wasn't comming back. He said he was sorry, but he never changed the way he felt there were times i called the squad and he refused to go.Linda please don't torture yourself, you and I and anyone else who was there 24/7 caring for our spouse did the very best we could for them. I truely believe when it's their and our time to go it's out of our hands and out of the DRs hands. We can have the anger and the dout, the second guesses and it's natural to feel these things but you have to let them go it's not doing anything but adding unnessery pain. We have enough of that just trying to continue on without them and for some untold other losses. hugs and god bless

Permalink Reply by Randolph L. Schrader on October 12, 2010 at 11:16pm

Hi to all, I just wanted to say that I cannot imagine that pain and second guessing that alot of us have.I have lived thru LouAnn's 3 heart attacks and 4 seizures.I never gave it that thought that she would really die and she didnt. She never was scared and we never talked about the dying part.She always pulled thru it.Of course I was scared outta my wits anyway.She had been fine for a couple of years and died suddenly during a nap.I heard her die and saw her dead.That will remain with me forever.We didnt have to say goodbye or want that one more wish actually. We were 24/7 with each other and was very content for 24/7.I was never mad or angry, I was and am very disappointed. From family and friends that disappeared and my love of 44 years,gone.All I can say is that when its time, its time.And it is in our nature to second guess and think that there could have been a differant way to have done it.The loss is terrible and we would do anything to change it.We cant and we must carry on their legacy thru us.They fought to the end and we must too.We need to be the brave ones now. And its not easy.As they say, baby steps. Hugs to all. Hugs are good.

Permalink Reply by Mary Brotzman on October 13, 2010 at 7:52am

Randolph L. Schrader said:

Hi to all, I just wanted to say that I cannot imagine that pain and second guessing that alot of us have.I have lived thru LouAnn's 3 heart attacks and 4 seizures.I never gave it that thought that she would really die and she didnt. She never was scared and we never talked about the dying part.She always pulled thru it.Of course I was scared outta my wits anyway.She had been fine for a couple of years and died suddenly during a nap.I heard her die and saw her dead.That will remain with me forever.We didnt have to say goodbye or want that one more wish actually. We were 24/7 with each other and was very content for 24/7.I was never mad or angry, I was and am very disappointed. From family and friends that disappeared and my love of 44 years,gone.All I can say is that when its time, its time.And it is in our nature to second guess and think that there could have been a differant way to have done it.The loss is terrible and we would do anything to change it.We cant and we must carry on their legacy thru us.They fought to the end and we must too.We need to be the brave ones now. And its not easy.As they say, baby steps. Hugs to all. Hugs are good.

Permalink Reply by Mary Brotzman on October 13, 2010 at 8:00am

I kno we all have guilt feelings about losing our spouses. Mine had bladder cancer and needed alot of care wnd wanted to stay at his daughters where his sister was also and we were moving and I wasn't there when he passed and now his family is upset with me for not being there. I look at it this way the Good Lord was peotecting me and him as he went to the dr. that day 200 miles away and was told he had 1 to 30 days You can imagine the wreck I would have beeen. Whatever I did yhat last week I did for him, because that is what he wanted, but of how I wish I could turn back time! Mary

Permalink Reply by Mary Brotzman on October 13, 2010 at 8:00am

I kno we all have guilt feelings about losing our spouses. Mine had bladder cancer and needed alot of care wnd wanted to stay at his daughters where his sister was also and we were moving and I wasn't there when he passed and now his family is upset with me for not being there. I look at it this way the Good Lord was peotecting me and him as he went to the dr. that day 200 miles away and was told he had 1 to 30 days You can imagine the wreck I would have beeen. Whatever I did yhat last week I did for him, because that is what he wanted, but of how I wish I could turn back time! Mary

Permalink Reply by kathy obiedzinski on October 13, 2010 at 12:41pm

linda: please do not ask yourself what if i did this and did that remember you were trying to help your loved one not to hurt him in any way. sometimes we have to make a quick decision that we do not like to make on our own. george would not go to the doctor only if he need medicine your husband knows you made the right decision following you by his eyes he wanted to say linda i am ok and thank you for the decision you made. things may have been different he could have passed in the house like george did i could not make the decision because he was already dead linda take care and again you did the right thing do not think any other way

Permalink Reply by Joan on October 13, 2010 at 1:27pm

Linda, the last paragraph you wrote could have been written by me. Jim hadn't been feeling good, but went to a conference out of town. I had to work and couldn't go. He called me the first night and said he felt like his blood pressure was up. He could always tell. He was also having an anxiety attack. I asked him to go to the hospital and be checked out or I wanted to go be with him. He refused and refused to go to the doctor when he got home. I begged him to go and he said he was fine. Three weeks later he died of a heart attack while he was taking a nap. I'm not sure when it happened. One time I saw the dog go look at the bedroom door, so he must have heard something. I wish I would have driven to him that night and not have worried about work. I wish I would have insisted he go to the doctor. AND I wish I would have checked on him when the dog was by the door. I never heard anything and didn't want to disturb him as he had so much trouble sleeping with a bad back. Sometimes those thoughts make me feel like I'm being stabbed in the chest, I just hurt so much. I have always believed when God wanted you, he would take you. That still doesn't help the guilt. I feel I should have done more.

Permalink Reply by Joan on October 13, 2010 at 1:27pm

Linda, the last paragraph you wrote could have been written by me. Jim hadn't been feeling good, but went to a conference out of town. I had to work and couldn't go. He called me the first night and said he felt like his blood pressure was up. He could always tell. He was also having an anxiety attack. I asked him to go to the hospital and be checked out or I wanted to go be with him. He refused and refused to go to the doctor when he got home. I begged him to go and he said he was fine. Three weeks later he died of a heart attack while he was taking a nap. I'm not sure when it happened. One time I saw the dog go look at the bedroom door, so he must have heard something. I wish I would have driven to him that night and not have worried about work. I wish I would have insisted he go to the doctor. AND I wish I would have checked on him when the dog was by the door. I never heard anything and didn't want to disturb him as he had so much trouble sleeping with a bad back. Sometimes those thoughts make me feel like I'm being stabbed in the chest, I just hurt so much. I have always believed when God wanted you, he would take you. That still doesn't help the guilt. I feel I should have done more.

Permalink Reply by Kay Arcuni on October 13, 2010 at 3:13pm

Linda, my story is so similar that it is scary. My Joe passed on Aug 17, 2010, he went into the hospital for a hernia repair surgery on Aug 13th. He had been diagnosed 2 years prior with cirrohsis but un like your doctor his only did one exam for the confirmation of cirrohisis and that was to perform an endoscopy to check for esophigial variosis when 1st diagnosed which they did not find at that time (sorry about the spelling).Joe was also diabetic but kept it well in control, we thought he felt so bad because the hernias where getting so bad, any way he had the surgery and that is when they found fluid in the abdomen which they drained a sign that the liver had shut down and kept him over night to make sure all was ok. He was released the following morning and spent a couple of uncomfortable days at home not unusual, he just had 2 hernias repaired. On the morning of, Aug 16th he called me to say he was throwing up blood, I rushed him to the ER where they put him in ICU. They performed a procedure that night to stop the bleeding and promised him he would only be intibated over night in order to make sure he didn't undo what they had fixed plus they couldn't control his heart rate or blood pressure at this point. I stayed the night in ICU with him, Joe never came off the intibator, the morning of the 17th the nurse and I tried to get him to open his eyes but his heart would just race when he heard me talking. Things got terribly worse at around 10:30 and then down hill from there. After speaking to our 2 grown daughters I decided that he was not to be coded if his heart stopped which it did at 5:15pm on the 17th. My most vivid memory is of the last time he opened his eyes while they were putting the tube down his throat and the look of shear and absolute terror in his eyes it was one of the things he was most scared of having done to him. The day before when he could still talk he had asked me to take him home.(thats why I had him cremated so I could) I understand how overwhelming the guilt is. That you didn't do the best job you could to take care of him, but it was out of our hands at that point we were just the ones left to make the difficult decisions on what was left to be done. In my case we were unaware that his cirrohsis had progressed that far and there was nothing left to be done. (Thats a discusssion for another time).
I have read some of your other posts and I think that you and your husband had discussed what he wanted I know Joe and I had talked like husband and wives do about how he didn't want to be left living on a machine. You did take care of him you were there with him to comfort him the entire time he was sick you went to the doctors saw that he was checked often for the progression of his illness. His body just decided that it was time. I am so sorry that you feel that quilt but it was not your fault all the fine details don't come to mind until after. The subtle things happening that you say you should have caught. Please know that my heart is with you, I know that your husband loves you for the care and love you gave to him.

Permalink Reply by Steve Cain on October 13, 2010 at 9:39pm

Linda we all have that "what if" thought in our minds. As has been said the odds are things may not have changed so the thing you always need to remember is you loved him to the best of your ability and, believe it or not, you took care of him to the end to the best of your ability. Please keep in here and in touch with us. We are all on that journey.

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