At 44 it is so hard to look ahead and think of possibly how many years I have left to go on without my love. Together since 17, married at 19...thinking we had forever... a lot longer forever than we had. The dreams, the plans, the growing old together is all that ever mattered. Now it's like looking into the abyss and seeing nothing there.

 

Update August 12, 2010

I can't believe it has been just over a year since I shared these feelings of despair.  Although I am moving forward...I'm working on getting a degree so that I can create a financially stable environment for my family, I've since become a Grandma to a beautiful baby girl ~ Lilyanna Tommi, and my 13 year old, who was and still is so lost without his Dad, just turned 15 and is becoming a man before my eyes...I still can't shake these feelings. 

 

I know I'm doing what I have to do, most of the time I do everything subconsciously, almost like robotic autopilot.  I do what I have to do because I have no other choice.  I still see a long, lonely future ahead of me without Tom by my side.  All the unfinished dreams are probably the hardest things...we had so many plans for our future. 

 

I want my family to grow, move forward, and be happy.  And in a sense I guess we are...the happy part we are still trying to figure out, though.  Life is not always pretty, some days are harder than others, but I have to keep moving forward.  I don't want to be in this life, but I wasn't given a choice.  Like all of you, I was thrown into this journey totally unprepared.  I'm making my way in this new life, as a new person...my shell is tougher to crack now...I'm a little harsher than I used to be...I miss the old me, I miss the US we used to be.  LIke it or not the world keeps revolving, we just have to try and keep up.  I'm doing all I can to hang on tight, to honor Tom in all I do, and make him proud. 

I am still looking into the abyss, that hasn't changed, but somehow I've changed along the way.

Views: 146

Replies to This Discussion

Steve, I feel for you. My husband passed away one week before our 9 month anniversary. It is all I think of and the date, the 27th of June, and the 27th of several other months have significant meaning, good and bad. The 27th of June was my grandson's birthday. The 27th of July was my birthday. The 27th of August is his birthday. The 27th of September is his daughter's birthday. It is hard to celebrate the good when I am all consumed with my grief. Our first anniversary is October 4th.

My yeaite>Steve Cain said:
Where it hurts for me is that tomorrow would have been our FIRST anniversary. We didn't even have a chance to make any real plans, even at our ages to plan our total future. I am so hurt and at such a loss. All I can do is cry.

Doreen Johnson said:
So sorry for your loss. Like you, I thought a 25th anniversary was for sure doable, even though my husband was 14 years older than I. Instead at 44, I found myself alone not knowing how to go on, and frightened about some things I was trying to remember, or was wondering about that I never got a chance to ask him. Maybe actually seeing a few people here online that are dealing with similar losses can help me work things through.

Marlena said:
Tom and I had 27 1/2 yrs together...we were married for almost 25 of those years. He left us 2 months and 9 days before our big 25th anniversary (a surprise party had been planned for us, but....). That was amazingly difficult. I use to tell him that my short term goal was 50 years of marriage and my long term goal was 75 years...we were supposed to be on the Smucker's jar with Willard Scott.

I know I was so blessed to have had all that time with him...creating our wonderful family and making memories everyday of our lives, but now those 25 years seem like nothing more than a blip. It all seems like it was nothing more than a blink of an eye...and it was all gone. It all went so fast. I feel everyday that I'm trying to collect as many memories and store them safely away cuz everything is slipping away so fast.

Just wishing I could hold on tight to every memory and not let one precious moment of our lives slip through the cracks.

Marlena (and Tom)
Always and Forever
I can relate to this my Gene and I were married many years had 4 daughters and 11 grandchildren, he was close to all of them and he and I were very close. He died in October 2008 in a horrible 18 wheeler(he was driving the 18 wheeler, no one else was involved and I thank God for that) accident, her hadnt been sick or anything and we had just got off the phone with each other, i cant remember if i told him i loved him and im like you he was my life, best friend, my love he was everything and now i cant see going on without him, its like im lost and i dont know what im suppose to do, everyone tells me i need to try and go on with my life but what they dont understand is he was my life. I keep looking for him to come home, because it doesnt seem real. We had made plans, we had just got a new home, and a bike he wasnt driving as much so we could spend more time together, it doesnt make any sense he was a good man, we have been thru so much for it to end this way, I dont understand. I try and make my grandchildren undestand that it was ok because God need him more, but it is hard to talk to them when you dont believe it yourself. I have looked thru every page of the bible to find answers and they are there, I cant remember if I told him I loved him. His 1974 Motorcycle and 1975 El Camino is just sitting in the garage because I cant handle going in there, I dont know what Im suppose to do without him, nothing makes sense.
Rene,

You are so right NOTHING makes any sense and it feels as if it never will. When you wrap your world around the most special person in your life the two of you become one and how do you go from a perfect harmony of that one unit to being torn apart and now you're expected to carry on as if all is right with the world? Nothing will ever be right with the world again.

I understand how hard it is to go through such a sudden, unexpected loss. My Tom was in a snowmobile accident. He was doing well (in pain, but awake and alert, eating, talking, a little walking) in the hospital for 11 days and all of a sudden a rib punctured an artery and it was over...no one ever told us that something like this could happen. We were always told he'll be in pain for a while, but all he needs is time to heal. So, we held on to the belief he would be coming home soon...not a big deal...and then it was over. We were so unprepared for anything like this.

I used to say, in the beginning, I wish I didn't like him so much because then it wouldn't hurt this bad. It would be so much easier to move forward, but in reality I wouldn't give up one minute of all that we had just to ease my pain now. Every minute of our lives together was precious, now I know that, even though maybe I didn't realize how much at the time. It was so easy to take our lives for granted...we really thought we had forever and we would accomplish all our dreams, boy were we disillusioned.

You are lucky to have your children and grandchildren. Hang on tight to them. I am so thankful for my kids. And keeping him present in your lives by talking about him and remembering him is good and healing for everyone. You can't wipe out a lifetime of love in an instant...he will always be a part of all of you.

And even if you didn't tell him you love him, he knows how much you love him. I have to believe that because I struggled with knowing that I didn't tell Tom I loved him before they took him in for emergency surgery...it was such a rush to get him there. I walked him to the OR doors and all we did was make eye contact at the elevator, but I never said anything. I was angry with myself for not saying anything, usually I would have said " I love you and stay away from the light!!", but this time I said nothing and just let him go behind those OR doors and he didn't make it out. So, I have to believe that after a lifetime together he has to know how much I love him even if the words never came out.

I really have no magic words of wisdom...just know that there is someone else who cares and can understand what you are feeling. I am only 5 1/2 months into this journey and I know I have a long way to go, but I will just keep moving forward one breath at at time, one step at a time. That's about all any of us can do. Take care of yourself and take the time you need to heal yourself. Don't let anyone else put a timeline on how you should feel. I am learning this as I go...I need to feel what I feel when I feel it in order to make it to the next moment. Take that time for yourself.

My thoughts are with you.

Take care,
Marlena (and Tom)
Always and Forever
Hi, My husband died on Fathers day, two months to the day shy of our 27th anniversary. We have four kids and we all miss him dearly. He would give the shirt off his back to anyone. He survived being backed over by a semi trailer in 2005, only to be taken by cancer. Life just doesn't seem fair. I am taking one day at a time right now...just trying to give TIME, time.
Amy
Amy,

I am sorry that you have reason to be here. This is a place to tell your story and share your pain. We can all understand where you are coming from and you are right this is all so unfair.

Take time to breath and be gentle with yourself.

Marlena (and Tom)
Always and Forever



Amy Koch said:
Hi, My husband died on Fathers day, two months to the day shy of our 27th anniversary. We have four kids and we all miss him dearly. He would give the shirt off his back to anyone. He survived being backed over by a semi trailer in 2005, only to be taken by cancer. Life just doesn't seem fair. I am taking one day at a time right now...just trying to give TIME, time.
Amy
im 40 and feel the same way only i have an 8 year old daughter im trying to be strong all the time. tired of missing him and not used to having himto bounce things off of. miss him more than words can say. its been almost 3 months seems like eterinity.
My husband and I were two years short of celebrating our 30th anniversary. I thank God for all those happy years, years you and your loved one didn't have, Steve. I'm so sorry. It's been 26 days since my Sweetie went home. May the Good Lord give us the strength to carry on.
28 years ago today October 16, 1981, I met my love, Tom. I was cheering at a football game and he came with a friend, we were introduced and here we are today. I know I was so blessed to have him in my life for so long. I treasure every moment we had together!

Today is also 7 months since he's been gone. It's still unreal...I know it's true... I live it everyday, but if I don't let myself think about it I can feel as if he's still at work...he was a railroad engineer...this has just been an extremely long train trip!

Life is going on around us, sometimes I feel as if I can't keep up. I don't always feel like I'm participating in life I'm just letting it pass me by...it's too hard to participate yet. I have made my first independent decision in over 27 years, though (I've never made a decision by myself - we made decisions together) I decided to go to college. Never thought I would want to or have to get a degree, but now with this new life I need to make a better financial future for my family. So, i'm working on an associate's degree in Medical Administration.

Found out we are going to be grandparents! It's so amazing...I just so wish Tom was here to be a part of this baby's life. I always thought we would be "team" grandma and grandpa, now it's just me. I will make sure this baby knows exactly who grandpa is and how much grandpa loves her/him.

All of this is still so hard. I know I am functioning, I don't have a choice - my family still needs me. It's just so lonely and I'm so empty...missing him, aching for him. It just hurts to wake up to this new reality every morning.

I love and miss you, Babe!!

Marlena (and Tom)
Always and Forever

www.memorialwebsites.legacy.com/bunzy
Marlena said:
28 years ago today October 16, 1981, I met my love, Tom. I was cheering at a football game and he came with a friend, we were introduced and here we are today. I know I was so blessed to have him in my life for so long. I treasure every moment we had together!

Today is also 7 months since he's been gone. It's still unreal...I know it's true... I live it everyday, but if I don't let myself think about it I can feel as if he's still at work...he was a railroad engineer...this has just been an extremely long train trip!

Life is going on around us, sometimes I feel as if I can't keep up. I don't always feel like I'm participating in life I'm just letting it pass me by...it's too hard to participate yet. I have made my first independent decision in over 27 years, though (I've never made a decision by myself - we made decisions together) I decided to go to college. Never thought I would want to or have to get a degree, but now with this new life I need to make a better financial future for my family. So, i'm working on an associate's degree in Medical Administration.

Found out we are going to be grandparents! It's so amazing...I just so wish Tom was here to be a part of this baby's life. I always thought we would be "team" grandma and grandpa, now it's just me. I will make sure this baby knows exactly who grandpa is and how much grandpa loves her/him.

All of this is still so hard. I know I am functioning, I don't have a choice - my family still needs me. It's just so lonely and I'm so empty...missing him, aching for him. It just hurts to wake up to this new reality every morning.

I love and miss you, Babe!!

Marlena (and Tom)
Always and Forever

www.memorialwebsites.legacy.com/bunzy
My husband passed away 3 years ago. He too was the love of my life. We looked forward to having our future years to grow old together but did not get the chance. When we met I was 16 and he was 17 years old we dated 6 years and were married 29 years. It is hard to see the future but we have to remember God has a plan for us. Not a day doesn't go by that I don't wonder what life would bee like if he had lived and we could have had the chance to grow old together. Keep looking up and stay busy. Get in a support group if possible. Just try to look past today and see what tomorrow holds for you.
This sounds like I could have wrote it, I too found myself lost at 44, and in the year of our 25th anniversary. My husband was 9 years older than me, but him leaving me was not in our plans. It is so hard to step back and realize that new plans will need to be made. I don't know where to begin, so I just take one day at a time, and sometimes just one breath at a time.
Tric

Doreen Johnson said:
So sorry for your loss. Like you, I thought a 25th anniversary was for sure doable, even though my husband was 14 years older than I. Instead at 44, I found myself alone not knowing how to go on, and frightened about some things I was trying to remember, or was wondering about that I never got a chance to ask him. Maybe actually seeing a few people here online that are dealing with similar losses can help me work things through.

Marlena said:
Tom and I had 27 1/2 yrs together...we were married for almost 25 of those years. He left us 2 months and 9 days before our big 25th anniversary (a surprise party had been planned for us, but....). That was amazingly difficult. I use to tell him that my short term goal was 50 years of marriage and my long term goal was 75 years...we were supposed to be on the Smucker's jar with Willard Scott.

I know I was so blessed to have had all that time with him...creating our wonderful family and making memories everyday of our lives, but now those 25 years seem like nothing more than a blip. It all seems like it was nothing more than a blink of an eye...and it was all gone. It all went so fast. I feel everyday that I'm trying to collect as many memories and store them safely away cuz everything is slipping away so fast.

Just wishing I could hold on tight to every memory and not let one precious moment of our lives slip through the cracks.

Marlena (and Tom)
Always and Forever
It's hard to imagine that life just keeps moving forward, when all we want is the world to stop.

RSS

Latest Conversations

Profile IconDolores Beauchamp , Mirko and Ruth Henderson joined LegacyConnect
Monday
dream moon commented on dream moon's group i ❤❤❤ mom
Sunday
Melanie Bowen is now a member of LegacyConnect
Sep 13
Avery shepherd is now a member of LegacyConnect
Sep 6

Community Guidelines

Please be respectful of others. For more information, read our Community Guidelines.

Follow Legacy

© 2022   Created by Legacy.com.   Powered by

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Terms of Service