What kind of a future can there really be?

At 44 it is so hard to look ahead and think of possibly how many years I have left to go on without my love. Together since 17, married at 19...thinking we had forever... a lot longer forever than we had. The dreams, the plans, the growing old together is all that ever mattered. Now it's like looking into the abyss and seeing nothing there.

Update August 12, 2010

I can't believe it has been just over a year since I shared these feelings of despair. Although I am moving forward...I'm working on getting a degree so that I can create a financially stable environment for my family, I've since become a Grandma to a beautiful baby girl ~ Lilyanna Tommi, and my 13 year old, who was and still is so lost without his Dad, just turned 15 and is becoming a man before my eyes...I still can't shake these feelings.

I know I'm doing what I have to do, most of the time I do everything subconsciously, almost like robotic autopilot. I do what I have to do because I have no other choice. I still see a long, lonely future ahead of me without Tom by my side. All the unfinished dreams are probably the hardest things...we had so many plans for our future.

I want my family to grow, move forward, and be happy. And in a sense I guess we are...the happy part we are still trying to figure out, though. Life is not always pretty, some days are harder than others, but I have to keep moving forward. I don't want to be in this life, but I wasn't given a choice. Like all of you, I was thrown into this journey totally unprepared. I'm making my way in this new life, as a new person...my shell is tougher to crack now...I'm a little harsher than I used to be...I miss the old me, I miss the US we used to be. LIke it or not the world keeps revolving, we just have to try and keep up. I'm doing all I can to hang on tight, to honor Tom in all I do, and make him proud.

I am still looking into the abyss, that hasn't changed, but somehow I've changed along the way.

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Permalink Reply by Marlena on August 17, 2010 at 9:51pm

Gail,

Thank you. It means a lot to me to hear that. Everything I do now is to honor Tom and hopefully make him proud.

I know this journey is different for each of us. I never thought I was going to be able to move forward, but without even realizing it I was doing just that. I will never stop grieving for my love and I will never stop missing him, but somehow I just keep putting one foot in front of the other and I am somehow making my way in this world.

That is something I wish for for all of us. I hope that each day will get a little more bearable and eventually life will become manageable. I'm still working on this part, too.

Wishing you peace and comfort as you make your way on this journey.

Marlena

gail stewart said:

I think Tom would be very proud of you. Keep up the good work.
You are an inspiration to all of us.
Gaail

Permalink Reply by Marlena on August 18, 2010 at 11:33pm

Virginia and Jerry,

It really frustrates me when people ask me about dating or even worse talk about it behind my back. What I had was too prefect, it couldn't be duplicated, and in my eyes, NO ONE could compare to my Tom.

I heard someone say something once about competing with a ghost. I guess it would almost be like that. If there ever was anyone else, they would have to know that if it weren't for the situation I was thrown into they would not exist and if there was ever a miracle and Tom showed up on my doorstep that other person would have no relevance. Boy, that does sound harsh, but I just cannot see anyone taking Tom's place in my life (and even my kids have made that pretty clear to me as well). And besides I would never want to take the chance of having to go through this torture with anyone else. Deciding to take a chance and care for someone and then have them leave...too much heartache. No thanks, not for me.

Virginia said:

I don't ever think of moving on with another person, i never want go through this mess again and wouldn't wish it on another person, so i will just wait till it's my time to meet mike again, what a joyouse time that will be hugs to all

Jerry said:
I sometimes feel that sooner would be better also, but I know that my wife would not like to hear that. I believe she is in Gods hands now and that I have more things to take care of here on earth.I have already had a few people ask me about dating or going out and have some contact with the opposite sex, but as far as I can tell it is not in any of my plans. As I read the postings here it seems that the ones that have lost thier spouses had great marriages and that no one would ever be able to take the lost ones place. My feelings exactly.

Randolph L. Schrader said:
Amen to that Malena to be reunited again. Sooner would be better that later. Hugs yo all.Hugs are good.

Permalink Reply by Marlena on August 21, 2010 at 11:48pm

Caroline,

I am so sorry for all that you are going through. You have your little one and all the memories you have made with Joe to help you through this journey. I am so grateful for my kids and all the memories we have made...that is how I am making it. Right now it is all about one day at at time...one breath at at time.
Thank you for you vote of confidence...I cannot even picture what the future holds.

Hang on tight to all of your memories.
Sending good thoughts your way.

Marlena
Caroline Mannheimer said:

My Joe was only 33 when he left this world on June 2nd of this year. I just turned 45. We only had 5 and a half years together but we made them count. Now, I too, look towards the future and see...no more romance. And I'm a lover of love<3 But I am damaged goods. I was burned badly as a teen, I am a single mother of a 6 year old and, worst, I am HIV+. I'm a really nice, smart person, and holding up ok for middle age but, I am a NYer and a realist. No decent man would want me. What can I do?? I try not to look too long and hard down that road into the future; one day at a time, a wise man once said. But YOU, Marlena, are still young and obviously involved with life and I have a great feeling that a new love story will begin for you. And your Tom will guide you to it. But, when you are ready. You are not ready right now, nor is your family, it sounds like. You have loads of time! It will happen when you least expect, too.
Hugs!
~Caroline