I lost Matthew 3 weeks ago to a motorcycle accident, and not a day has gotten easier. He is 25 years old and a SSgt in the airforce, we live in phx, his parents in Illinois. since day one I've been coordinating memorials here and there, faxing paperwork to and from. All I've wanted to do is help his family get Matt taken care of. Luke Air Force Base and I got together for a benefit bike and car wash and nearly $1000 for the family and his daughter. anyway i flew out to Illinois for a week to be with his family and be there for the burial and services. we discussed that I would stay in mine and Matt's home and just take over the mortgage, that way his daughter lily could still come on the weekends. well I get back Sunday, and Monday I get a call to meet with a Lt. the family wanted me to turn over all keys an  belongings to be shipped to them in Illinois, that day. so not only have I lost my fiance, I've been ripped of just about everything we have together. and the family went on facebook calling me names saying I ain't giving them time to greive and accusing me of stealing things.

everything is just a mess, and I don't know what to do anymore! I'm just 21 and we weren't legally married yet so i know i dont have legal right to anything, but I'm not trying to demand anything. ive been nothing but cooperative and now i am just getting thrown under a bus. it hurts so bad, and I don't know if I can keep going...

Matthew was my everyday, a great father, lover, friend, worker, everything! Everyone is starting to get back to their normal lives, but I have no idea how to! my true love is gone, OUR home has been taken, and i have no normal part of my life left except our dog and my job. i just want him to come take us home!!

how do i handle all this....

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Three weeks is no amount of time, it was months before I was able to control my emotions. Much less make any of rational decisions, so I just held off making any decisions for over a year. I would think that they, as well as yourself, should hold off making any decisions surrounding the loss of your loved one They way you explain in your post it sounds like they are getting to you while your wrapped up in your grief. I'd tell them to back off for awhile....its too soon

I feel three weeks is too soon too, I am still trying to comprehend l this.

I've held off on all decisions, but the ones that effect me most aren't in my hands, its up to the family. i asked to stay in the house a little longer(AZ state law says residents have 30 days to leave), and  their response was to have the locks changed that night and report my name and vehicle to the police and i haven't heard from them since. 

I guess my problem is I don't know how to grieve now. I feel numb to everything, until the middle of the night when i wake up alone, not in my bed, not in my home and i just scream and cry.

people tell me I am being so strong but I don't believe them. this is all so much for me

Toni ... My deepest condolences on the loss of Matthew.  I am so very sorry that not only are you going through shock and grieving, but you are forced to make too many decisions too quickly.

If you and Matthew were living in another State common-law then Arizona Law DOES recognize you as having a common-law marriage!  I hope this is the case.  However, if you were living just in Phoenix, Arizona common-law unfortunately this State does not recognize common-law marriage.

Matthew's family does not know what belongs to their son or not so you can keep a few of his things without them being aware of it.  I am so sorry that the family no matter how badly they are grieving were immature enough to go onto Facebook and smear your name (you know who you are and how much Matthew loved you so keep off Facebook!) 

Matthew's family is grieving for a son and you are grieving for your friend and lover who were actually in the eyes of each other married.  Everyone grieves differently, but I will agree it was a dirty trick you worked so hard to help the family out while they were doing under-handed things to you.

Did you live on an Army Base or did you actually have your own home?  If it was an Army Based home then it belongs to the Army.  Do you have family of your own?  If you do perhaps you could book off work and spend a couple of weeks with family.  Meanwhile hon, if there is anything of Matthews that was special to him keep it!  The rest of his things can be sent to his family. 

It would be wise to seek grief counseling to help you get through this and PLEASE, before you take any other actions please come on this forum and we will help you all we can.  If you just want to vent then please do and we do not judge anyone, but try to help all we can.

Big hugs (you need it)


Toni,  It amazes me how grief affects some people.  I was married to Dave for over 20 years, and we were together for 8 years before we married.  30 days after he died, his daughter was trying to have me arrested for stealing china that her father had given me many years ago.  She also changed the locks on our marital home, but did have the decency to give me a key to ONE door.  I suspect it may have been because I showed up when the locksmith was there.  At least Dave had it added to his trust that I could live in the house for up to 16 months, or until I could move into my own house.  I purchased the house before we got married, and rented it out.  Two weeks later, I received a letter from her lawyer saying that a moving van would arrive at the house and all of his posessions would be removed.  According to her EVERYTHING in the house belonged to her.  I had to hire a lawyer to protect myself.  I was in no condition to deal with what she was sending my way and grieve.  After I moved out of the house, she tried to have me arrested for taking pieces of china that did not exist and stemware that belonged to me.  9 months after his death, I had to go to court because she was suing me.  It was a frivilous law suit that cost me a lot of money.  I had to see here face to face, and that was extremely difficult.  In spite of all the nastyness she was sending my way, I felt sorry for her because she had no constructive oulet for her grief.  Hate only really hurts the person doing the hate. 


One thing I knew and still know, she was going after things.  She could take everything away from me, but she could not negate the love that we had.  Since then, she has done everything she can to discredit me with her siblings.  She has threatened her neices and nephews about being friends with me. 

Toni, I am so sorry that you are having this added to your grief.  I don't know why people act this way, and I know how difficult it is for you. You are so vulnerable right now.  Being forced to make such big decisions right now is very difficult.  I used a lot of paper..kept notes of when things were due, what I had to take care of.  I would write out lists to take with me when I left the house, and then couldn't remember to take the lists, or couldn't find it when I needed it.  I was fortunate to have a good support group at work, and here on this grief group.  I constantly talked about the things that were being done to me.  I needed confirmation that what was happening was shockingly wrong.  I wrote it in a notebook, and one day, I opened the notebook, and it was like looking at poison.  I tore it out and burned it. 

I can't tell you what to do besides take baby steps.  Healing takes time, and you are a wounded soul.  I can only tell you what I did.  Hugs to you, and have courage. 


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