I don't know about anyone else but I speak only for myself when I say I am unable to enjoy anything any more.  I have no interest in taking a walk in the sunshine which is what a widow at the grief meeting I attend suggested to me. If I were to take a walk for the simple pleasure of it, I would be even more depressed because Danny wouldn't be walking with me.  I don't get that no one seems to understand me. I feel like the last person in the world. Every one else outside and even my family is enjoying life, but not me.  I do have a strong belief in my faith and know God has His purpose in everything He does.  But I can't help how I think.  If I were to change my thought pattern, wouldn't that be putting myself in denial.  I just don't get it?  I am not capable of loving life, I am just living because I have to. I am not capable of loving what I once did when my husband was still here with me, like hobbies, interests, feeling joy, smiling, even eating or cooking our meals for the both of us, or any kind of music whatsoever.  I even cry when TV ads come on that we saw together thousands of times, I have to turn the station, any song that comes on, whatever it is, whether he liked it or we both took pleasure in certain singers is just a thing of the past. I can't get into it.  I hate music. I am definitely going to stop watching TV next week when I have to terminate the cable because the contract will be up.  His sister only paid for it because she knew he couldn't get around much the last few months of his life and it was the only thing left he could do.  I was so dumb, so naive, so stupid because I didn't see the writing on the wall.  He was dying and I always thought he would get better.  I wasn't really in denial about it, it was just that my brain was in a fog, I didn't realize.  Maybe it's a good thing I didn't realize, if I knew he only had a few months, he would have witnessed me going insane.  I'm so glad I just sat with him and talked with him and gave him orange sherbert and his medicine which I wish now I didn't.  How unpleasant for him.  I thought it would make him better.  What a dope I was.  Well, anyway, somehow I get through each day, and I have ups and downs, mostly down days, and I go out with Dan's sisters or my sisters and I see my sons, their wives, and the grandchildren once in a while, but when I'm alone in my apartment I am in a stronghold and still can't believe this has happened and the only outlet I have is sharing with you all.  Thank you so much for everyone being here, that is unless you are on FB, but I am still here and I know some of you are still here also.

Peace and hugs to whoever is here with me.

God bless,

Suzanne

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Replies to This Discussion

Suzanne
I just lost my husband a week ago and I feel like i'm in hell, but your words could of been mine, I also knew my husband was dying but I keep thinking my prayers would change that and of course it didn't. You touched my heart deep inside because i feel you know exactly what i'm going thru.

God bless

Marlene
Dear Marlene,
I am so sorry for your loss, it has been so soon for you. My heart goes out to you and I will remember you in my prayers. It has been an emotional roller coaster for me as you may hear the same from others. I have had varying degrees of feelings in the past 7 and a half months. I will pass on to you what I have been told which is we never get over the grief but we get through it and I have been told (but everyone is different) that we just learn how to deal with the grief in time. I believe everyone has their own unique individual experience and whenever I post or share my feelings I only speak for myself. May somehow you find peace but just know I understand how you feel. Just to let you know it has helped me to be relieved of my hurt and pain by coming to this grief site and going to bereavement meetings that Hospice provided my husband and I am also going to counseling. Whether they help has yet to be determined for me but I am going through the motions of what I have heard is what we who are grieving are supposed to do. Take care.
Hugs to you and God bless,
Suzanne
marlene westerlund said:
Suzanne
I just lost my husband a week ago and I feel like i'm in hell, but your words could of been mine, I also knew my husband was dying but I keep thinking my prayers would change that and of course it didn't. You touched my heart deep inside because i feel you know exactly what i'm going thru.

God bless

Marlene
suzanne, once again i can relate to everything that you are saying. i was in big time denial about my husbands situation and bless his heart he was in denial too. we just didnt have a clue how sick he was. i never dreamt that he would pass away within 3 months. i too, kept forcing food down him , medicene down him, just anything to try to keep him alive. i even tryed to arrange little outings for him because i believed he would do better by getting out of the house. i sit here writing this and want to burst out into tears because i still feel so much pain. i actually did break down yesterday when i ran into some people that didnt even know my husband had passed away.i use to love to watch the dallas cowboys with my husband. we live in texas so of course you have to be a fan of dallas cowboys.every sunday afternoon or evening we would get all excited to watch the game. now, their is no enjoyment. i have a friend that likes to watch the games and i will if she invites me but other wise i could care less.i use to be a big time exercise fanatic and my husband didnt like to exercise. so i would go and exercise without him. now that he is gone i have lost interest in that too. i have to force myself to go to the gym, once every two weeks.i am like you suzanne, in feeling like maybe it was better for me to have been in denial about my husband because i dont know how i would have gotten through those three months if i hadnt had some kind of hope.i am not on facebook, because i dont even have a computer at my home.i have recently met several widows that seem to just be doing remarkable well. two of them lost their spouse about two years ago, and the others it has been about 13 years. but i am like you how the heck are they doing it. why do some of us find it so much easier to move on. i know i have had people say to me you dont want to get stuck in grief. well how do you prevent that from happening? i have so many unanswered questions. i am suppose to start a new grief share group on sunday evening. the other one i was going to has pretty much almost come to an end. i hope i can get more out of this one.well my heart goes out to you because i can understand how you feel. GOD BLESS YOU.
MARLENE, I WANT TO TELL YOU HOW VERY SORRY I AM FOR YOUR LOSS. YOURS IS SO VERY FRESH. I LOST MY HUSBAND 6 MONTHS AGO, BUT IT STILL FEELS LIKE YESTERDAY. THIS SITE IS A WONDERFUL PLACE TO COME AND SHARE WITH OTHERS. YOU CAN ALWAYS FIND PEOPLE THAT WILL GIVE YOU ENCOURAGEMENT AND UNDERSTANDING. MY HEART GOES OUT TO YOU AND I WILL KEEP YOU IN MY PRAYERS.

marlene westerlund said:
Suzanne
I just lost my husband a week ago and I feel like i'm in hell, but your words could of been mine, I also knew my husband was dying but I keep thinking my prayers would change that and of course it didn't. You touched my heart deep inside because i feel you know exactly what i'm going thru.

God bless

Marlene
Hi Suzanne,

I just lost my Gary on August 14, 2010 to lung cancer. We were together for 22 years this August 22nd. I understand some of what you are feeling. I try to think on good times and it helps a little, but then it also reminds me of the huge void.
I hate tv because I think of the shows he liked to watch. I don't want to go out because I hate coming home to the emptiness and silence. I eat just to be able to work, but I don't want to eat. I'm working myself like crazy to avoid "quiet" moments which only leave me with noise in my head of all the conversations from the doctors and nurses that were giving me his medical information during these last months. I absolutely hate coming home. I cant go through his things. I cry every day and sometime all night.

I have been functioning on auto pilot. I scared to say it out loud, but because I find myself wishing to go with him. I'm almost hoping to get sick so I can just go. I know it's wrong, but that's why I joined this site today.

He went so fast. He was diagnosed June 22 with stage four, and left me in August. I go through emotions ranging from anger at him for having smoked so long and me begging him to quit to avoid cancer and for leaving me. Then I mostly feel tremendous, overwhelming sadness because I loved him so much.
VALERIE, I TOO LOST MY HUSBAND TO LUNG CANCER IN FEB OF THIS YEAR. HE WAS DIAGNOISED IN NOV. AND HE PASSED AWAY IN FEB. IT WAS A STAGE FOUR THAT HAD ALREADY METASISED TO THE BRAIN IN TWO SPOTS. I TOO, HAD TRIED TO GET MY HUSBAND TO STOP SMOKING AND IT MADE HIM NERVOUS EVERYTIME I OPENED MY MOUTH . I FEEL FOR YOU BECAUSE YOU ARE STILL IN THE EARLY STAGES. THIS SITE IS VERY HELPFUL FOR BEING ABLE TO VENT WHEN YOU NEED TOO.YOU WILL ALSO GET LOTS OF ENCOURAGEMENT AND HELPFUL ADVICE. SOME OF US SEEM TO BE ABLE TO ADAPT TO THIS THING CALLED WIDOWHOOD BETTER THAN OTHERS. I HAVE BEEN TOLD THAT IT IS VERY IMPORTANT TO REALLY LET YOURSELF GRIEVE. HOWEVER I HAVE ALSO BEEN TOLD NOT TO GET STUCK IN THE GRIEF. I FEEL LIKE I AM PRETTY MUCH STUCK. I HOPE THIS SITE WILL BE HELPFUL TO YOU AND YOU MIGHT WANT TO CHECK INTO A LOCAL HOSPICE SUPPORT GROUP. ALOT OF CHURCHES OFFER GRIEF SHARE GROUPS ALSO. I AM GOING TO START ONE THIS SUNDAY. GOD BLESS YOU.I WILL KEEP YOU IN MY PRAYERS.

Valerie Davis said:
Hi Suzanne,

I just lost my Gary on August 14, 2010 to lung cancer. We were together for 22 years this August 22nd. I understand some of what you are feeling. I try to think on good times and it helps a little, but then it also reminds me of the huge void.
I hate tv because I think of the shows he liked to watch. I don't want to go out because I hate coming home to the emptiness and silence. I eat just to be able to work, but I don't want to eat. I'm working myself like crazy to avoid "quiet" moments which only leave me with noise in my head of all the conversations from the doctors and nurses that were giving me his medical information during these last months. I absolutely hate coming home. I cant go through his things. I cry every day and sometime all night.

I have been functioning on auto pilot. I scared to say it out loud, but because I find myself wishing to go with him. I'm almost hoping to get sick so I can just go. I know it's wrong, but that's why I joined this site today.

He went so fast. He was diagnosed June 22 with stage four, and left me in August. I go through emotions ranging from anger at him for having smoked so long and me begging him to quit to avoid cancer and for leaving me. Then I mostly feel tremendous, overwhelming sadness because I loved him so much.
Dear Cindy,
Thank you for your reply. It feels good to have someone who understands even though it is on a sad note. My husband asked his doctor, "How long have I got?" last Dec 18,09 when the radiation doctor told him the last treatments didn't get the cancer, he didn't know where the cancer would go next and then said to him he couldn't really say for sure, that some people are told they have 3 months and live for 2 years while others are told they have 3 years and live 2 months. It was on that day Dec. 18 that my brain must've froze, since I was always with him, there was no time for hysteria, but Dan was so much in anguish and pain I think he was ready to go, but he was worried about me. Things happened quickly and slowly at the same time. Not sure if you know what I mean, but the minute a nurse or social worker from Hospice said something would happen it did and yet back in December and January things seemed like he had 3 more months. And also, at the same time when I think things are the way they are supposed to be, I also think at the same time he shouldn't be where he is right now, he should be with me, we should be watching Tv, going to his appointments, making meals like we used to. I am so frazzled from mixed feelings some times I would rather be in grief for if I were to accept his demise I know my heart would have to be a stone for me to live a full life without him. At the same time I feel I'm doing what I can for myself under the circumstances I also feel I am falling apart. Don't mean to go on but I am so confused and unhappy. Well, I think I said enough for now. I just hope the whole world can't read my deepest darkest feelings. I hope if I google this I won't be able to find it. I wouldn't want my sons or loved ones to know. But I feel safe here. Thanks for allowing me to get my thoughts out.
I pray we all have peace somehow.
God bless,
Suzanne

CINDY POWELL said:
suzanne, once again i can relate to everything that you are saying. i was in big time denial about my husbands situation and bless his heart he was in denial too. we just didnt have a clue how sick he was. i never dreamt that he would pass away within 3 months. i too, kept forcing food down him , medicene down him, just anything to try to keep him alive. i even tryed to arrange little outings for him because i believed he would do better by getting out of the house. i sit here writing this and want to burst out into tears because i still feel so much pain. i actually did break down yesterday when i ran into some people that didnt even know my husband had passed away.i use to love to watch the dallas cowboys with my husband. we live in texas so of course you have to be a fan of dallas cowboys.every sunday afternoon or evening we would get all excited to watch the game. now, their is no enjoyment. i have a friend that likes to watch the games and i will if she invites me but other wise i could care less.i use to be a big time exercise fanatic and my husband didnt like to exercise. so i would go and exercise without him. now that he is gone i have lost interest in that too. i have to force myself to go to the gym, once every two weeks.i am like you suzanne, in feeling like maybe it was better for me to have been in denial about my husband because i dont know how i would have gotten through those three months if i hadnt had some kind of hope.i am not on facebook, because i dont even have a computer at my home.i have recently met several widows that seem to just be doing remarkable well. two of them lost their spouse about two years ago, and the others it has been about 13 years. but i am like you how the heck are they doing it. why do some of us find it so much easier to move on. i know i have had people say to me you dont want to get stuck in grief. well how do you prevent that from happening? i have so many unanswered questions. i am suppose to start a new grief share group on sunday evening. the other one i was going to has pretty much almost come to an end. i hope i can get more out of this one.well my heart goes out to you because i can understand how you feel. GOD BLESS YOU.
Suzanne, You were right about Facebook. Although, I still go on to read what everyone is posting and maybe make a generic comment but I can no longer express my true feelings on Facebook because my children are on it all the time.
You are also right about not believing that Danny was dying. I listened to the doctors and only heard what I was wanting to hear. The first few days they were all very positive about Phil's condition. As the days and weeks went on, they became much less positive but when I would ask is it "possible" for him to get better they would reluctantly tell me yes. That was all that I heard. I didn't want to believe that he could not get well again and I didn't. The morning he passed we were scheduled to meet with his doctors to discuss whether the treatment was working and whether or not it should be discontinued. I knew darn well what this meeting was for but I still did not think that he was going to die. He couldn't! I needed him and I wanted him with me! I was not ready for him to go. Suzanne, we had very good marriages and were very happy with our husband's. We could not believe that they would be taken from us. Certainly we are not children and should have understood what was going on but we didn't want to believe it and we didn't.
Yes your family can go on with their lives. You and he were united as one and lived your life as such. Your children have their families and their own lives and while they are devastated by the loss, it is not the same loss that you and I feel. They have their spouse to lean on, we have lost ours and have to stand on our own now for probably the first time in our lives.
Suzanne, I understand how you feel because although I make every attempt to make my children feel that I am doing fairly well even though my heart is broken. I wait for God to take me so that I can be with him again. I am sure that when the time is right he will be waiting there to meet me. I am also sure that when your time comes, Danny will be waiting there for you. Until then, we just need to take day by day, hour by hour, and minute by minute and get through this life somehow.
Suzanne, you are fortunate that you have Danny's siblings, Phil was an only child and his cousins, although we were close when we were younger, now have no time for anyone but themselves. I have only one brother left and his wife is not too crazy about me or my children. She is a 'country' girl and has some sort of problem with us living in civilization. We used to see a lot of my brother until he married. That was only about 4 or 5 years ago. It does bother me because we have all made every effort to be nice to her. I guess it is what it is and there is nothing I can do about that. I am thankful that I have my children and one very good friend that I know I can count on at any time. All the others have just gone on with their lives and don't bother to call very often because they really don't want to know how things are.
I will always be here to talk to you if it does any good for you. I know there are several others that are both on FB and on this site, Randolph being one.
Suzanne, You were right about Facebook. Although, I still go on to read what everyone is posting and maybe make a generic comment but I can no longer express my true feelings on Facebook because my children are on it all the time.
You are also right about not believing that Danny was dying. I listened to the doctors and only heard what I was wanting to hear. The first few days they were all very positive about Phil's condition. As the days and weeks went on, they became much less positive but when I would ask is it "possible" for him to get better they would reluctantly tell me yes. That was all that I heard. I didn't want to believe that he could not get well again and I didn't. The morning he passed we were scheduled to meet with his doctors to discuss whether the treatment was working and whether or not it should be discontinued. I knew darn well what this meeting was for but I still did not think that he was going to die. He couldn't! I needed him and I wanted him with me! I was not ready for him to go. Suzanne, we had very good marriages and were very happy with our husband's. We could not believe that they would be taken from us. Certainly we are not children and should have understood what was going on but we didn't want to believe it and we didn't.
Yes your family can go on with their lives. You and he were united as one and lived your life as such. Your children have their families and their own lives and while they are devastated by the loss, it is not the same loss that you and I feel. They have their spouse to lean on, we have lost ours and have to stand on our own now for probably the first time in our lives.
Suzanne, I understand how you feel because although I make every attempt to make my children feel that I am doing fairly well even though my heart is broken. I wait for God to take me so that I can be with him again. I am sure that when the time is right he will be waiting there to meet me. I am also sure that when your time comes, Danny will be waiting there for you. Until then, we just need to take day by day, hour by hour, and minute by minute and get through this life somehow.
Suzanne, you are fortunate that you have Danny's siblings, Phil was an only child and his cousins, although we were close when we were younger, now have no time for anyone but themselves. I have only one brother left and his wife is not too crazy about me or my children. She is a 'country' girl and has some sort of problem with us living in civilization. We used to see a lot of my brother until he married. That was only about 4 or 5 years ago. It does bother me because we have all made every effort to be nice to her. I guess it is what it is and there is nothing I can do about that. I am thankful that I have my children and one very good friend that I know I can count on at any time. All the others have just gone on with their lives and don't bother to call very often because they really don't want to know how things are.
I will always be here to talk to you if it does any good for you. I know there are several others that are both on FB and on this site, Randolph being one.
Hi Connie,
I hope I'm wrong but I think even if I wasn't on FB that all the comments that are made here may be visible by FB members if they were to check this website out while on FB. Once something is typed online it is there forever even if deleted. So, I might just delete everything I have ever written just to be safe. I'll just see how it goes. But I feel kind of abandoned, at least there are a few left here. I have many many loving family members, a very few who call me. I try to rise above it and think to myself that I wouldn't want them to feel like I do anyway. Just because I feel hopeless I wouldn't want them to think I'm totally depending on them. I just am doing what I have to do for myself and living from day to day. All Dan's sisters are very loving to me, but I only hear from them on occasion. I don't know what they're thinking but I know that their grieving too and in their own way so I just live my life and pray for them all.
Hugs to you and God bless,
Suzanne

Connie said:
Suzanne, You were right about Facebook. Although, I still go on to read what everyone is posting and maybe make a generic comment but I can no longer express my true feelings on Facebook because my children are on it all the time.
You are also right about not believing that Danny was dying. I listened to the doctors and only heard what I was wanting to hear. The first few days they were all very positive about Phil's condition. As the days and weeks went on, they became much less positive but when I would ask is it "possible" for him to get better they would reluctantly tell me yes. That was all that I heard. I didn't want to believe that he could not get well again and I didn't. The morning he passed we were scheduled to meet with his doctors to discuss whether the treatment was working and whether or not it should be discontinued. I knew darn well what this meeting was for but I still did not think that he was going to die. He couldn't! I needed him and I wanted him with me! I was not ready for him to go. Suzanne, we had very good marriages and were very happy with our husband's. We could not believe that they would be taken from us. Certainly we are not children and should have understood what was going on but we didn't want to believe it and we didn't.
Yes your family can go on with their lives. You and he were united as one and lived your life as such. Your children have their families and their own lives and while they are devastated by the loss, it is not the same loss that you and I feel. They have their spouse to lean on, we have lost ours and have to stand on our own now for probably the first time in our lives.
Suzanne, I understand how you feel because although I make every attempt to make my children feel that I am doing fairly well even though my heart is broken. I wait for God to take me so that I can be with him again. I am sure that when the time is right he will be waiting there to meet me. I am also sure that when your time comes, Danny will be waiting there for you. Until then, we just need to take day by day, hour by hour, and minute by minute and get through this life somehow.
Suzanne, you are fortunate that you have Danny's siblings, Phil was an only child and his cousins, although we were close when we were younger, now have no time for anyone but themselves. I have only one brother left and his wife is not too crazy about me or my children. She is a 'country' girl and has some sort of problem with us living in civilization. We used to see a lot of my brother until he married. That was only about 4 or 5 years ago. It does bother me because we have all made every effort to be nice to her. I guess it is what it is and there is nothing I can do about that. I am thankful that I have my children and one very good friend that I know I can count on at any time. All the others have just gone on with their lives and don't bother to call very often because they really don't want to know how things are.
I will always be here to talk to you if it does any good for you. I know there are several others that are both on FB and on this site, Randolph being one.
I lost my Husband Gordy back on Nov 19th 2009 to Lung cancer,non-hodgkins lymphoma, and then squamous cell lung cancer. He had been dealing with cancer for 10 years and always bounced back. There was no reason to think he wouldnt this time around - however,we were wrong. We did not want to face the fact he was in his final months last sept thru nov. its been a difficult 10 months- I am on an emotional roller coaster- up and down. I as well go to group counseling and indivual counseling - it helps me deal with my emotions and why i am having flashbacks from last sept to nov. I am also looking at the positive things that I have accomplished on my own in 2010 - I am on my own,have to make my own decisions, pay the bills, and above all else deal with the 1st -example - taking a weekend away with friends,our anniv, his birthday, milestone events. For all of you reading this - remeber take a look at yourself and see what you have accomplished on your own this year,this month,this week. Mary
Suzanne,
I too did not want to believe my husband would die. Who wants to believe something like that? My mind would not or could not process the thought and I regret it everyday because there was so much I should have said to him. I find no joy in anything either. I do try hard, but the saddness is too overwhelming. Everything I do or anywhere I may go reminds me of my husband. How can I ever be happy again without him? He is all I knew. He was everything to me. I am not sure why some people get through grief better than others, but I am having a very hard time. I am right there with you in my feelings. I do pray to god to help me through this and I will pray for you too. God Bless

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