Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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Just a reminder to all of you over these next few days. The weather reports all over are talking extreme heat. Those of you out West have even warmer temperatures than here in the Midwest or East. Please keep well hydrated by drinking plenty of water. Hopefully all of you have air in your homes. If not, please find a friend or relative that has air and see if you can go there. Otherwise, find out where the cooling centers in your neighborhood or town are and use them. Please take care not to over exert yourself and check in here.

Discussion Forum

The loss of my beloved man.

Started by Janka Huljaková. Last reply by Janka Huljaková May 16. 7 Replies

Mirror Therapy

Started by Chicago Beard. Last reply by Barbara Sullivan Apr 11. 1 Reply

Closing an estate feels like betrayal

Started by Miguel. Last reply by Elizabeth C Apr 8. 9 Replies

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Comment by Marsha H 15 hours ago

Dear Steve ... I am so happy for you that all seems to be going smoothly with you getting Mark's ashes and how thoughtful of UT Southwestern.  Also it's a wonderful idea your friend at work had to put some of Mark's ashes in a lamp.  Getting the Celtic Medallion was a good idea as well and it brings Mark closer to your heart.

You were for upset for good reason as to what to do with Mark's ashes and now that you have decided you're tension is leaving your body and thank heavens you wake up sleepy, but not overly tired.  You have made such wonderful choices Steve.

We care about how you feel as well and know at this part of grief and what to do with Mark's ashes was a crucial decision and one not to make hastily and there are so many angels on this forum who are right there to help all of us out.

Big hugs


Comment by Steve 15 hours ago
Ment to say God bless and hugs to all
Comment by Steve 15 hours ago
Yesterday I contacted UT Southwestern and made an appointment with them to pick up Mark's ashes. I could not even consider having h mailed, scattered, or dropped into the ocean an me not be present.
To my surprise, they asked me to make an appointment and to give them my email. I received very detailed instructions on where I need to go. My biggest fear was having to go inside to pick up Mark, not really knowing how I was going to react.
The directions included a specific place to park and a phone number to call. I let them know who I am there for, car type and color and to stay put in the car and someone will bring Mark's ashes out to me. I can handle that, still not sure how I will react and don't really care at this point.
I went online yesterday and found jewelry made especially for ashes and found a very small pendant about 9/16 diameter by 1 5/8 inches tall. It is cobalt blue (his favorite color) with a Celtic cross in pewter (he loved anything Celtic). It comes with instructions and necessary tools to accomplish getting a small portion inside the little bottle. I will be able to where it as a necklace keeping a little portion of him near my heart.
My appointment is for Monday June 1st at noon, which was completely up to me, as they place no pressure on setting date and time.
My other concern was after I get the jewelry what to do with the rest. I went to work yesterday even though I wanted to stay in bed. Glad I didn't
Stay home, I spoke with a friend who saw me and immediately asked what's wrong. I told her my concerns and out of the blue she reminded me that my hobby of restoring old lamps was something to consider, "that way when you use the lamp, you will always remember or think about him". I was stunned why didn't I think of that? Most lamps are vases and I can decide when and if I want to release his ashes and also keep some of them to complete his wish to be placed under a flowering bush or tree once we have a place that is not rented.
This morning I woke up sleepy for the first time since his passing, instead of waking up tired.
I am actually looking forward to Monday, thanks to all who commented and gave me sound advice I can do this one step at a time and know that I have a family online who cares about everyone no matter what! I am so humbled by all your posts! Hon bless and hug to all!
Comment by Marsha H yesterday

Janeo ... it's wonderful to see you post and I miss you!  I agree with everyone here as well as Jane P. 

I will never forget how I felt when I first had to cope with Ernie's passing and the difficult road of grief we all seem to have to go through.  It hurts my heart when I see so many grieving and we are all family here.  All of us give good sound advice and I am so proud to know the new members who are grief-stricken and hurting so badly, yet still encouraging everyone on this forum.



Comment by janeo yesterday
Like Jane P. I don't post as much but always reading them as well. This family here will always be a part of us. Steve I echo everyone here take your time. To everyone I pray and hope your finding peace. To all the who's been here like Marsha god bless you for being there for the newly grieved.
Comment by Jane P. yesterday

Steve, I don't post often but I do read posts and if there is one thing this site instilled in me was to not make any major decisions within that first year. These wonderful people gave you some great advice but until you feel ready, take your time in making any decisions.    Follow your heart and Mark will lead you into making the right decision.  Hugs, Jane P.

Comment by Marsha H on Wednesday

Trina ...  Thank you for your beautiful post.  I am happy it gave you some peace and that you are finding you are not grieving so intensely 100% of the time. 

Even though I am Canadian I did take time out to say a prayer for those Americans who have passed and those still fighting and pray they soon come home.

I believe this forum is a life-saver for all of us and certainly for me, but also realized how it humbles all of us and we begin to share in our grief and it only makes us wiser and grow stronger.

Comment by Marsha H on Wednesday

Bill ... what a beautiful poem and it says it all.  I like to think when the breeze flies through my hair that's my Ernie or, he's walking right beside me even if I can't see him. 

Comment by Marsha H on Wednesday

Dear Steve ...  Don't fear your reaction if you decide to take Mark's cremains.  Of course there will be tears, but that's to be expected.  I have my Ernie's ashes in a beautiful wooden box and I say good morning and good night to him every day since he passed away.  My feeling for me at least is HE'S HOME! 

I would suggest that you take the ashes and then just take your time deciding what to do with the ashes as there is no rush.  I know from your past posts just how much you loved each other and think you would feel closer to Mark.  The members here have given you some good ideas and you also could buy a small medallion that opens on a chain and put some of Mark's ashes in that; you could spread Mark's ashes at some of his favorite places he loved, you could keep the ashes until you pass away and request both of your ashes are spread at your favorite place you both enjoyed.  Ernie and I chose the latter.  It is what is in your heart that counts.

With Ernie's ashes here I get him a card for each Valentine's Day, our wedding anniversary and of course Christmas and each time place one red rose on top of the card.  May sound crazy to others, but it makes me feel closer to him.

Steve, you are not alone because we are here!  We know just how you feel and all the decisions that have to be made after a spouse passes.  We share in your tears and grief and we're praying for you.  None of us can see or touch each other through cyberspace, but the heart knows no distance.

Big hug (because you need it)


Comment by Barbara Sullivan on Wednesday

Steve -- If you can't decide -- don't.  Perhaps you could have Mark's cremains sent to a friend or family member who is willing to keep them for you until you are ready to make a decision.  I think this is a better option than being forced to make a decision that you may later regret.  

I had portions  of my husband's cremains put into silver heart-shaped containers and sent one to each of his children in Canada.  A funeral home can arrange that for you, if you think that is something you would care to do -- keeping a portion and sharing some with others.

I have the remainder of my husband's cremains in a very tasteful carved wooden urn, on a beautiful table that he made.  He loved working in wood and since I want our cremains to be placed together when it is time, this was my choice.  I placed a photograph of him on the table, as well as a candle holder and a lamp.  On holidays, anniversaries and his birthday, my daughters like to put flowers on the table, too.   For now, it seems to fill our need to have a special place to remember him and express our love and respect.

But, you should certainly do whatever feels right to you.  And, again, if you believe you need to put off making the decision for awhile -- do so. 




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