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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

Members: 1366
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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

Peace

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Started by Susan. Last reply by Marsha H Sep 2. 5 Replies

Lost my husband

Started by Mary Clough. Last reply by Marsha H Sep 2. 99 Replies

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Comment by Trina Mamoon 22 hours ago

Dear Charles,

I am so glad that one of the "missing people" has resurfaced. I think it has now happened a second time when you have been absent or gone "missing," as I often do myself, and I am thinking of writing to you personally and then lo and behold you appear. You seem to know when it has been a long time and that your friends here are missing you. I also miss Marsha's posts.

One of the things that you wrote in your post stuck with me all day today. After reading it I had to go out. I made a nice dinner at friends' house (a couple that Joseph and I had been friends with for many years) and enjoyed it with their two little boys--a social event that we do a couple of times a year together. It's really nice. The thing that you said was playing in my head over and over again: "I almost lost it completely right there but didn't cry. Only inside." This is so VERY true for me. It happens several times a week, sometimes even a couple of times in one day. Just like when I was making dinner together with Joseph's friend Joe and his wife Rachel this evening. This is something we would do from when Joseph was alive. As I was cooking, I was laughing and having a good time (not pretending), yet I was crying inside. How could I not?

This Curry Night, as we call it, brought back all the happy memories from before. I was not at all envious of Joe and Rachel, their shared happiness as a couple, but I couldn't help but cry inside that I don't have Joseph by my side anymore. I am no longer whole. I have a huge hole in my heart. No matter what I do, where I go, even if I have a pleasant time like I did this evening, I am always crying inside remembering the old times, thinking of Joseph, wondering what might have been.

From the outside the others have no idea that while I seem "normal," laughing and participating in the conversation and/or social interactions, many times I am really crying inside, missing Joseph and wishing he were here. 

Like everyone else here, I, too, am dreading the holidays, especially as our anniversary is in December, Winter Solstice. But we the bereaved and the widowed are like soldiers who put on a brave face and trudge through even in the hardest of situations. The holidays are almost upon us and while we are crying inside, I know many of us will have to put on our "happy mask." I know I will. For many different reasons.

For one, Joseph used to admire his older colleague--another philosopher--and used to tell me how W was always cheerful. Even in old age  and infirmity and with a lot of physical pain, W was always cheerful and would spread the cheer around. Joseph would tell me that when he would be an old man like W, he, too, would be cheerful and spread it around. But of course, Joseph didn't get to turn even 50, he would never be an old man, so now for Joseph I want to be cheerful and try to spread the cheer around, in situations when I am around people during the holidays. But inside I will be crying ... because as you put it:  "the "same old stuff" isn't going away - ever - so the loss, the loneliness, and the sudden pangs that overtake us unexpectedly can become so normal in our lives that we just muddle through them silently." Yes, that pretty much sums it up for me as well. The longing and the missing will never go away for as long as I live. I will have to live with this pain for the rest of my life.

On a lighter note, here's wishing everyone on this site a peaceful Thanksgiving, one that we can pass without crying too much inside. 

Love, Trina

Comment by Charles E. Nelson yesterday

Hi everybody,

Another "missing person" heard from. Like you Mary Jane I miss coming here and talking to friends who I know will get me and not judge my crazy ramblings. And like you Deb, I'm always reluctant to keep saying the same things repeatedly. But the truth for me, and i suspect many or most of us, is that the "same old stuff" isn't going away - ever - so the loss, the loneliness, and the sudden pangs that overtake us unexpectedly can become so normal in our lives that we just muddle through them silently anymore. Of course, Steve and I living together means that one look and it is clear where we are at any given moment. Larry's birthday was the 13th of Nov., and while sitting in the waiting room before Steve was called in for his radiation treatment Steve showed me a post on Facebook from Larry's son with a photo of all his kids and saying" Happy Birthday Dad, we miss you!" I almost lost it completely right there but didn't cry. Only inside. 

Mary Jane, I don't know if we said anything last year on here about what we went through to get the closing on my house in NJ, but we definitely know exactly what you are saying. I guess taking Larry's name off the title was the day I actually truly realized that my life as it used to be was forever gone. The title agent was very patient and understanding, and bless Steve for not rushing me to take that step, but instead letting me inch up to it until I was ready. He still shows me the same patience and honestly I don't know how how manages it, because confidentially I am quite the handful when my emotions get the better of me.

Here I sit facing Thanksgiving and Christmas, feeling excitement and dread in some bizarre sort of mix, sprinkled liberally with fatigue and melancholy. Real basket of joy, huh? I imagine it's missing Larry, worrying about Steve, and still feeling somewhat out-of-place in Texas. I went to church with Steve for awhile, and we hosted Bible studies here a number of times, but I have withdrawn from them both acknowledging the fact that I just don't share their passion and enthusiasm for religion. Bad Chuck. 

I look forward to the finish of Steve's treatments on Dec. 4th, and we are keeping the Holidays low key with no obligations so we can both rest as much as needed. I want to see the movie "Boy Erased" because we will both relate to the subject matter.

Enough for now - except that I send love to all of you and wish everybody a peaceful and calm Thanksgiving -

Love, Chuck 

Comment by Mary. Jane on Saturday

Ohhhhh...good! Happy early birthday! How cool to have all those wonderful people celebrate it with u!

BTW, I noticed your new picture..and,it reminded me of someone..after a few mins...I finally figured out who..Sara Gilbert from The Talk! (She has always been a fav of mine, even when she was a kid playing Darlene on Rosanne.) Only u r blonde, and her hair is dark. Nice picture. 

Comment by deborah peck on Friday

Mary Jane, I guess I didn't say it the right way, we are going out for my bday dinner but everyone is still coming here for Thanksgiving, I love the fact that I know Greg will be with us all, I just need to do my birthday a different way this year. By the way the carrots sound good

Comment by Mary. Jane on Friday

Awwww...enjoy Thanksgiving any way you wish. I think going out is a great idea..but if there are 35 of you, I hope you have reservations ..LOL...why should. YOU cook? BTW, I think Greg will be there with you, no matter  where you have Thanksgiving .butbthat is just my opinion, and you might not feel that is true. 

Ironically, Thanksgiving was Bobs favorite holiday...it DIDN,t cost much, like Christmas where he HATED having to buy useless gifts for relatives he DIDN,t like, he didn’t have to cook, and he got to eat wonderful food and watch football all day..and THEN,  if we had hosted the dinner, he got to eat leftovers all week! 

When I made dinner, I inadvertently created what became my signature side dish...OMG, it was SOOOO GOOD...and unless u r baking a turkey, you cannot duplicate it EVER! It was an accident the first time..Bob at only organic veggies..and I had purchased some THIN long baby carrots..now carrots aren,t my fav veggie..cuz I really DIDN,t know what to,do,with them, that was not boring, and really easy..so listen up, kids. I cook my turkey in a pan, with a wire RACK in the bottom of the pan to catch the drippings..and realized these carrots were thin enough to fit perfectly UNDER the turkey while I cook it..so I filled the entire bottom of the roasting pan with washed thin organic carrots..Leafs removed...and for 4 hours, just roasted the turkey with butter, and white wine, covered with loose tin foil  the first 2 hours, basted often, while the carrots just soaked everything up that ended in the bottom of the pan...the first time I had no idea they would be so WONDEFUL, tasty,tender...they are NOT my fav veggie, but they were the most wonderful thing EVER!! My family fought over them! In future years, I added as many as I could fit into the pan, and sneakily hid some that were leftover from any leftovers people took home.  I TRIED to duplicate cooking them in turkey broth, or a baked chicken...but everything other than cooking them with the turkey, was a failure. Bummer. I haven,t had them since 2014. Darn,,just writing about them makes me want to cook a turkey jus s I can have them!  Lol but there is just me now. 

Last Thanksgiving was the worst day I have ever had since Bob died..I was alone with food I bought at a deli...which turned out to be WRONG, and my local relatives were gone...so I sat here

alone and cried. This year I am invited to my nieces, and May go, I dunno, but if I choose not to, it will b ok as it was MY CHOICE.

yes, I can cook, and when I do, I am good at it, but I don,t like to cook. The only reason I am good is, it takes just as much h effort to cook BADLY as it does to cook good..so I may as well do it good.

ok, I am done rambling...try cooking the carrots with your turkey..absolutely the easiest thing ever...just get THIN baby carrots, or slice bigger niveoneslengthwise...and toss them in the bottom of the pan

Comment by deborah peck on Friday

Its getting closer to my bday (21 st) and Thanksgiving the day after. I told my kids I don't want a party at home, I want to start a new tradition of going out for dinner, last year I didn't want a celebration without Greg here so I think it will be easier this way. As always the holidays are at my house so am trying to get things ready but don't have any energy so have to get moving,But I am actually looking forward to Thanksgiving, just going to pretend its any other dinner with my entire family over, 35 people, so we will see. Love you all and am praying your Thanksgiving is better for all of you

Comment by deborah peck on Friday

Steve so happy to hear your positive reports, keep it up

Comment by Steve on Friday

Hello to all,

Wish there was something to say or something that I could do to help out.  In my younger years I was a handyman that worked for my landlord.  There wasn't much that I could not do or at least figure out how to fix things.

I too have regained some of my memories, sometimes from just sitting quietly in the morning listening to music on cable.  One station is called soundscapes, it allows me to not think about anything in particular but it also shows quotes that famous people had said.  Reading them and listening I guess allows my mind to wander.   Another thing that I have had lately are dreams, usually early in the morning after waking up and looking at the clock and seeing that it is too early to get up.  That is when my mind will go back to my childhood and it's almost as if one thought leads to another and I still feel as if I am awake.  Sometimes, these memories are of some of the most happiest days and a few are sad ones, still I can accept them and remember.  For awhile I have not posted anything on my blog because I would write about someone in my life and stop because I was getting the order of things confused with others, so I stopped.  Now I feel as if I can go on to finish the ones I started with a little more confidence.

I saw this quote on my music channel:

"Dreams are illustrations from the book your soul is writing about you".  by Marsha Norman

This morning is the first day above freezing, now I can move some of the plants back outside, fall weather is back for a couple of weeks...weather here can change on a dime.

Still taking my treatments, my body is responding, the side affects are annoying and the daily trip to the cancer center is now wearing thin on both me and Chuck, the good news is my last visit for radiation is December 4th, then I can rest and go back to my usual routine.  The cancer is disappearing and follow visits will be every three months for observation.   looking forward to spring...

Love you all and sending hugs,

Steve

Comment by Mary. Jane on Thursday

Well, I might b able to help u with the dishwasher...lol. I haven,t used mine in YEARS! It is only me, and it takes me less than 3 mins to do them by hand.i am sorry u r having to go thru all this, but after I started hand washing them, I realized there was something sort of comforting in hand washing them..and I make sure nothing sticks to them, and it doesn,t take an hour or more..unless  u r entertaining, lol

Comment by Sara Murphy on Thursday

Mary Jane.......I'm pretty much in the same boat as you with everything "breaking" at once and all of it expensive.  A few weeks ago I had a large dead oak tree that was on my front lawn cut down before the wind blew it down.  I've been getting quotes to have the roof re-done and finally signed a contract.  That sure isn't cheap but Ken and I had talked about doing it before he passed and now it's almost 3 years later so it really needs to happen.  I also need a new dishwasher now and my refrigerator which is about 25 years old also needs to be replaced but I'm hoping to put that off til spring.  I really hate having to take care of everything myself. 

 

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