Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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Just a reminder to all of you over these next few days. The weather reports all over are talking extreme heat. Those of you out West have even warmer temperatures than here in the Midwest or East. Please keep well hydrated by drinking plenty of water. Hopefully all of you have air in your homes. If not, please find a friend or relative that has air and see if you can go there. Otherwise, find out where the cooling centers in your neighborhood or town are and use them. Please take care not to over exert yourself and check in here.

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Started by Michelle. Last reply by Torri Kenney on Friday. 33 Replies

Survivor Guilt?

Started by Vickie. Last reply by Vickie on Friday. 12 Replies

I feel lost

Started by Kim Henry. Last reply by Kim Henry Jan 6. 11 Replies

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Comment by Carol Kayser 3 hours ago

Thank you Barbara and Jane P. those comments just warm my heart:):) 

We are getting back to gentleness and you know, when I look at my little Abby and see her smile I truly believe there is a lot right in this world of ours!

Hugs to you and we need to do whatever is best for us!


Comment by Barbara Sullivan 7 hours ago

Yes, Carol -- you have always been such wonderful support for everyone on Legacy.  I rarely have help or answers -- still in need, myself -- so, if anything I wrote was in the least bit helpful to you, I am so very, very glad.  My husband's workshop is still in much the same condition as the last day he worked in it. Because it was so much a part of who he was, I can't bear to have it dismantled.  Maybe, someday I will be able to let it go -- but, it will have to be my choice.  For now, I need this tangible piece of his life to remain intact.


Comment by Jane P. 10 hours ago

Carol, You were always  there for me when I first came onto the forum and you were so full of support!  I wish I had a magic wand to take your pain away or the right answers to make you feel better.  I am attached to my husbands things too but I have no one to tell me or remind me of my attachment.  Your daughters are hurting too and they just wanted their mom back but like Barb said that person no longer exists.  Grief hurts and it hurst all those around us.   Your family was so full of love I am sure love will prevail once again, in a different way but it will prevail!  Hugs, Jane P.

Comment by Rolland Wood 10 hours ago
Carol, I'm glad that I could help,we all need a sounding board at times. Grief affects everyone in different ways. Rolland.
Comment by Carol Kayser 12 hours ago

Barb, right on with your post!  I also don't know how many times I have said to my family that I will not be happy all the time, that I have periods of joy and affection and fun, but that I have changed.  I think it's true and others have said this, that our kids seem to just want their mothers back "the way they were".  It's a totally unrealistic expectation on their parts.  Interests in our lives have changed now, everything has changed.  For example, and I am trying, but I have very little interest in cooking.  I do make some of the family favorite desserts and I've taken to baking banana bread, big deal lol, but it is in a way.  Participating in life again is not easy as you say Barb, and we are doing our best, and it would be so nice if that was acknowledged once in a while.



Comment by Carol Kayser 12 hours ago

Thanks Marsha, Jane P. and Rolland for your replies and helpful comments yesterday.  I truly appreciated it!  Rolland I think you hit the nail on the head in that one of my girls did say something to me about my attachment to the furniture and that she was "bitter" about it, in effect that I was caring more about that than her feelings.  I actually asked the doctor because I was worried you know, that I was doing something "weird" but  it is just different and he told me I was grieving "hands on" and there was nothing wrong with that, but he also said there needs to be balance between grieving and those around you.

So again, thanks! it sure helps to bounce off feelings and thoughts here.



Comment by Marsha H yesterday

Barb ...  You said it all so well!  Great post!  All of it is true and we're simply reinventing ourselves.



Comment by Rolland Wood yesterday
Well Stated Barbara..I totally agree with your feelings. Rolland Wood
Comment by Barbara Sullivan yesterday

When we are grieving, people, especially, family members, are waiting for us to 'get back to normal'.  I wish I had a dollar for every time, in the past 19 months, someone has said, 'wait until things get back to normal', 'soon you will get back to normal', 'when will you get back to normal', 'we just want you to get back to normal'.   THIS IS MY NORMAL!  Grief is not a disease -- and grieving is not a therapy that, over time, returns one to the pre-loss condition.  Grief changes people.  Profound grief changes us, profoundly.   Will I ever be the same?  No.  Will I be okay? Yes.  Eventually, I will learn to live this life without my husband.  Already, I have learned to smile -- even learned to laugh, again.  But, if the people I love are waiting for a return to the way I was when my husband and I were together -- that just isn't going to happen.  Ever.  


Comment by Marsha H yesterday

Roland ...  You are very welcome and it's 4 years for me and I still have some very tough days, but further apart.  I do understand your pain, but every day we just get stronger.  You hang in there as there is a light at the end of the tunnel.


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