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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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Faking...

Started by Michelle. Last reply by John Rood Feb 13. 35 Replies

Survivor Guilt?

Started by Vickie. Last reply by Vickie Jan 22. 12 Replies

I feel lost

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Comment by Marsha H 4 hours ago

Elizabeth ...  Both your posts were so sweet and for one, thank you. Here are two prayers from me to you or anyone else that feels they need it.

When all seems lost, we must never give up hope. We are called to trust in God and His promises always.

We thank You, Lord Jesus, for loving us so much that You were willing to die for us. Help us to live in gratitude for Your great gift of love to the world. Amen.

Lord, sometimes I feel like I’m just not good enough; as if my inadequacies are always at the forefront of my life. I pray today that You help me to realize and focus on my God-given strengths. Help me to hold my head high and confront the world with confidence. Amen.

Hugs

Marsha

Comment by Elizabeth C 5 hours ago
Going to sleep now but will say a prayer for you all for God to comfort you because he loves each of you and I pray for you to reach out to him in your greif. The bible calls him the mighty counselor.
Comment by Elizabeth C 5 hours ago
Hello friends and fellow grieves, I so appreciate your posts. My head is so full of grief and scrambled that when I go back to read the past posts over again I realize something didn't sink in but may start to get it the third, fourth or fifth time I read it. Sometimes I cry at the posts knowing you all went through and are going through the ( next to ) worst possible thing we can in life, death of our soul mate. I say next to worse because there are a few worse things and one is our own death. Although I feel like I want to die myself I remmember when I left the hospital to go home to shower a few times I would think I can't imagine going through what he is going through and I would also thank god it's not my life being taken, I mean I did not want to die. What we really want is to have our loved one back and not have to deal with the pain. So I try and remmember that I still have a short time left as far as the big picture goes and know I have a limited time too just as our spouses did and to make the most of it, not to look back in regret. I keep telling myself to make a list of things to help me through the toughest moments, so I can read it when I am having the worst time so that it can pick me up a bit to go on again.
Comment by Rolland Wood yesterday
ElizabethC..The finality of it is what is hard to swallow, there's no replay button. The powerlessness aspect is tough to get around, most other problems we face usually have a solution, but not this one,acceptance is the only answer. I pray for you also, Rolland
Comment by Marsha H yesterday

Elizabeth C ...  Thank you for the beautiful post and you're in my prayers as well.  'Going back' is simply going back to a different routine such as just you and your daughter and I know it isn't easy, but the deep hurt of losing the love of your life doesn't stay so intense and grief is a good thing.  Cry all you can and when you can, work off or walk off your frustrations and know that each day you get up you are getting stronger and that's because of your daughter.  Your daughter is part of your beloved.  Don't ever be afraid to grab life by the throat and fear you can't make it or for what because you can!  Millions of women do it all the time and some have a large family of children to deal with so dig in your heels hon because so far you're doing just great considering what you are going through.

Hugs

Marsha

Comment by Marsha H yesterday

Jan ...  I know it's so hard to go through a special occasion without your beloved and eating alone.  I detest it too.  I honestly think you are going into an good upper step of grief where you are restless now and asking where you fit into life (I'm in the same place you are) and what I do now is I get out of my 'comfort zone.'  I talk to strangers when out such as standing in a line-up, walking the dogs, etc.  I have joined one program after the other and am with people.  I was going to grief counseling and went to two different sessions and realized it was time to get out of my comfort zone so I took a different course at the same church where we learned tools to try and get in a 'happy mode' (difficult, but it can be done) and have met new people.  We laughed and joked around and for 2 hours I forgot I was a widow.  Oh yes, I do have my bad days, but I'm stronger.  I know you're stronger as well Jan and all your questions of where do you go and how do you get there scream, 'get out of your comfort zone.'  I know it's frightening at first because we're use to having our spouses, but it's not bad at all once you find something you are going to try and do.  Find a group that doesn't have anything to do with grief and go from there.  You will surprise yourself my friend.

Hugs

Marsha

Comment by Marsha H yesterday

Elizabeth C ...  I must admit I had tears reading your post as I have done with so many new members on here.  I want to take a magic wand and wipe away all the heartbreak and tears from all of you.

I still celebrate some occasions in memory of my husband by buying him a card and placing it on his box of ashes.  At first all I could do was think of dying and just wanting to be with him, but after almost 4 years I'm getting the message loud and clear and it's that they taught us so much in our relationships and gave us so much love and caring that it's important to keep going in life with the gift they left behind and 'pay it forward' to those who need our help.  Our loved ones want us to have a happy life full of joy and if one believes in the Bible our spouses are in a greater happiness without pain or worries.

Your daughter will never forget her 'daddy' because you won't allow it.  Little by little you can show her pictures, tell her funny stories the two of you had and all the cherished memories.  Children never forget their biological parents.  By doing this you are also molding your daughter in right direction of the type of man she wants to end up marrying some day.

I am so very proud of you because I know raising a child especially going through grief is not an easy task so give yourself a well deserved pat on the back hon.  You are getting stronger every day.

Hugs

Marsha

Comment by Trina Mamoon yesterday

Dear Jan,

I can relate to you very well, and my prayers are with you today especially.

On March 15th Joseph would have turned 50. Since the end of February, I have been crying more and have been feeling more despondent and anguished than I have been for a while. I already had my birthday in October, our anniversary in December, and of course, the New Year's. Each and every one of these events has been extremely painful, totally unbearable. I'm dreading having to face March 15th.

My grief counsellor told me that one way to lessen the pain and agony on a departed loved one's birthday is to create a new tradition. In order to be not alone on that day and not to let Joseph's milestone birthday go by unmarked, I have organized a small dinner fundraiser benefitting the American Cancer Society. I have invited our friends to have dinner with me and then make a donation to ACS.

No matter what I do to mask my pain, it'll still be there, but I feel that raising a little bit of money for the Cancer Society is a good way to remember Joseph who gave so much to our community and to his students.

I think I will make it a tradition going forward. We all do what we can to lessen the pain and cope with the terrible thought that we will not see the love of our life again. Only in death will we be reunited with them again. There is little comfort in that thought.

May peace come to our grieving hearts. Amen.

Comment by Elizabeth C yesterday
Trina Georgia Jan Rolland Marsha,you will all be in my prayers tonight. I am thinking of you in your loneliness and pain, I understand.
My husband was in the hospital last November 14 and I would encourage him that by his birthday December 28th we would be going to dinner with all of his friends as we did each year. He would say if I could eat I could get through anything. He never ate again from that point on and died just 5 days after his 51st birthday. Now Each year for his birthday I plan on taking my 3 year old out to celebrate his life and tell her about the dad she will soon forget.
I am still having a hard time understanding how I will not see my husband again until I myself die, but I look forward and take joy in the fact that we will be together again in heaven.
Comment by Rolland Wood yesterday
Jan, I know that these anniversaries are difficult, b'days,wedding date, the date that they passed. My wife Janice' birthday is October 19th, it was a day that we always did special things on, trips,restaurants,etc. She died in June of 2013, on her birthday that year I took her ashes and released them into the S.F. Bay. I visit the bay every year on her B'day,,I go to the same spot where I said goodbye to her, and then have lunch at our favorite restaurant.Some may say that I'm being morbid, or that I'm living in the past,doesn't matter, I'm just maintaining a connection,however fragile, to one that I loved and that I miss so badly. We do what we must to go on in life alone because we know that's what they'd want for us, not to be alone, but to prosper. Best wishes. Rolland
 

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