Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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Backwards and Forwards

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I am new and lost

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Closing an estate feels like betrayal

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Comment by Marsha H on Thursday

Dear Trina ...

I sure hope I do make you feel better and give you a little peace as you so deserve it. 

I agree it's no coincidence when I feel Ernie is protecting me as Joseph is protecting you.  I really don't care what others say about my experiences as I don't lie and I know what I see or what I feel and it's not wishful thinking.  I am over the deepest heart-rendering part of my grief and I still have feelings of Ernie's protection.

That was such a great story you told and I do honestly believe Joseph was there to be sure you were safe and got on that flight.

My first experience was actually seeing Ernie on Christmas Eve.  I wasn't really thinking of anything in particular and was wrapping last minute gifts on the coffee table.  I did have the TV on and for some reason I looked up and there he was standing with his right arm resting on the wall unit, smiling down and the dogs and I.  It is difficult to explain as he wasn't in the flesh, but looked like millions of stars put together glowing and I could see all his features and his whole body.  I was shocked at how calm I was as if it happened all the time.  I couldn't believe we just looked at each other and then he faded away, but I still felt his presence.  I felt a great peace come over me.  The second experience I had was that Ernie would often get up around 11 PM to go to the washroom (he had to get up at 4:30 AM to go to work so retired early and I'd be on the computer.)  I was on the computer (situated in the den across from the bedroom) when I heard the sounds in the bathroom, then the toilet flushing and I just thought it was imagination and continued on with what I was doing on the computer.  It wasn't until the dogs wagged their tails and rushed into the washroom (no light was on.)  I turned on the light and the dogs were looking up at where Ernie's face would be (he was 6' 6" tall) and wagging their tails like crazy.  It was confusing to me as the toilet seat wasn't up.  They say pets can zero in on a deceased loved one and sense they are there.  I know in grief counseling or other things I've read on grief they say it's one's imagination seeing or hearing your loved one, but what do they know.  No one really knows what happens after death.  Ernie is not here as constantly as he was at first, but is here when I seem to need him.  It's a comfort in one way, but I'd give anything to be able to hug each other, hold hands or hear his voice just once.  It's the hugs, laughter, sitting and talking about our day and so many other memories I miss so much and I'm sure you do as well Trina.

Thank 'you' Trina for sharing once again your experiences and don't let anyone tell you it's your imagination because it's not. 

Take care my friend and I enjoy seeing your posts.  If you would like to email me I'll leave my email address on your private board, but don't feel pressured to accept.

Big hugs


Comment by Trina Mamoon on Wednesday

Dear Marsha,

Thanks so much for your words of encouragement and understanding. 

It's no coincidence when you feel your Ernie is protecting you. These things that happen so often as you describe, can't be just coincidences. Over this past one year there have been at least 4 or 5 times when Joseph came to my aid. People may call it whatever they want, but I know what I have experienced. 

One of the strongest one was the first time after Joseph's passing I was coming back to AK after visiting my family last January. I had forgotten to do a seat assignment on the second flight. In the gate area I was weeping and telling Joseph something like "see how hard all this is without you? I can't go on like this anymore." Within minutes there was an announcement for a first class upgrade and I felt Joseph pushing me the counter. I went up there not thinking and said that i will take the seat for $100. And I got it! From having no seat and maybe missing the flight, I flew home first class. That's no coincidence. There have been other moments too, Marsha, when I can't do/fix the things Joseph took care of, and suddenly out of the blue some kind soul, friend or neighbor offers to help. While I am very grateful to these very kind and generous folks, I know that somehow Joseph's spirit is moving them, just like you know Ernie is protecting you. It's comforting to know that our departed loved one is looking out for us and protecting us.

Take care, Marsha, and thank you again.

Comment by Marsha H on Wednesday

Trina ...  I'm so sorry you had a rough day of it.  It never ceases to amaze me how some things bring memories back to us (the falling snow in your case) and tears flows unexpectedly at the most inopportune times.

You and I believe the same way that Joseph is listening to you and guiding you through the worst of your grief and I feel Ernie is here as well protecting me.  I've had some experiences where I've knelt on the floor and wept because I couldn't get anyone to help me with fixing something in the house that needed fixing and suddenly the phone would ring and I would either be my neighbor next door or a young man I hire every so often to help with some heavy work.  I don't think that's a coincidence when it happens so many times.

Thanks for your wonderful post hon and being so open about your feelings.  I always pray and wish I could wave a magic wands and make everyone on here feel much better. 

Big hugs (you need it)


Comment by Marsha H on Wednesday

Dear Georgia ...  I just had to take the time to answer your post as I feel your pain and anger and then forgiveness.  It's almost 5 years since my Ernie passed and although not as often I still can cry and get angry at him for leaving me in this hell of grief and missing him so, but like you (I talk to him a lot) and tell him I know he didn't want to leave me.  Hon, what you are going through is very normal so go with the flow and just keep on talking to Louie because I believe what Trina does, that they hear us, they guide us and I honestly believe he's right there with you.

Here is a little tip to help you at night if you haven't tried it already; take two fluffy pillows and put them in the middle of the bed end to end and lay your back against them.  It hopefully will make you feel your Louie is there and you'll drift off to sleep.

Hang on Georgia because we're here and you're doing a good job of getting through this long journey of grief and I'm proud of you.  You just keep venting away because we're around to help wherever we can. 

I just had an episode of crying a lot over the weekend.  I went to a baby shower and I was shocked I got teary-eyed and once home had a good cry missing Ernie more than ever.  I just cried until I had to have a nap.  I go for walks with the dogs as well and it sure helps.  As the song says, 'I'll cry if I want to.'  Crying releases stress and relaxes muscles and it's a necessity for the body. 

You will always talk to Louie for the rest of your life as I will Ernie, but trust in us when we say that the pain is a little less in time and we begin to function and eke out a life for ourselves.  I know now that doesn't seem like it will ever happen to you, but it will.  Louie is there to see you through the hard part and he would want you to go on in his memory and pass along all the wise and wonderful things you learned from him.

I'll be checking the forum all week and into the weekend so you come on here and just vent all you like hon.

Big hugs (because you need it.


Comment by Trina Mamoon on Wednesday

Hello All,

It's been quiet here on this site with not many posts recently. Georgia, so sorry to hear about your pain and suffering. It'll be 14 months on October 4 since my darling Joseph left this world, and it still hurts like hell. Perhaps not as much as the first year, the pain is less intense and my weeping is less feverish, but I cry every single day and every single day it is a huge struggle to face the new day. It takes a lot to get out of bed and start another day without my Joseph.

Yesterday I actually started to cry in front of my class, something that hasn't happened in many months. It was Monday yesterday, and Joseph passed on a Monday, and here in Alaska the snow is already here. When I saw the snow falling through the classroom window, I thought how I would have to pass another cold winter without the love of my life next to me. I still can't reconcile to the fact that Joseph is gone and I will never see him again, will never talk to him, never feel his embrace, or his body next to mine. It's heartrending, this pain, this feeling of loneliness and longing. It's all so cruel and unfair.

I talk to Joseph all the time. I believe that he hears me and sometimes he even guides me if I am looking for an answer or guidance. I just can't wait for the day that I will finally be reunited with him. Only I don't know how many years later that will be.

I feel very sorry for all of you here, the loss, the pain and the anguish that you all have to face like I do. I pray that over time it will get just a little bit less intense. As I said, it has for me, but this less intense is still EXTREMELY painful.

Sending many good wishes for peace and healing to you all.

Comment by georgia on Wednesday
Hi Marsha,Wilena, I also talk to Louie all the time especially if something is bothering me.
I cry all the time when I talk to him I even yell at him for leaving me ,Then I apologize because I know he did not want to go.
I am not lonely till he night time , and God I miss him more then life and I tell him that all the time.
Marsha, I just enjoy your post ,they make me feel that Iam alright. I hope you do finish your book , there are so many people that are going through so much greif , and I believe it will be a well read book.
God bless all of us.
Comment by Linda B on September 15, 2015 at 8:47pm

Computer problems here angels but just wanted to see how everyone was doing and to say hello. I think I understand your pain    and from what I feel and what I read it is the worst pain I have ever  been through and they havent found any painkillers for it yet.So angels just wanted to send everybody  love, prayers and hugs for nosw amnd just say Im thinking of you. Take care, Linda

Comment by Marsha H on September 15, 2015 at 3:55am

Wilela ...  Sometimes when I get frustrated or just feel down I just talk to him as if he were still here with me.  Sometimes I cry and sometimes I'm just plain angry and want to get my frustrations out.  They know how tough it is on us and I do believe at least for myself that they watch over us.  It's been almost 5 years for me too and the big question for many of us is 'when does the grieving stop.'  Talking to Brian as I do Ernie does help and sometimes we just need a good cry.  Other times when I am somewhere having a little fun I quietly say, 'wish you were here hon.'

Comment by Wilela Trip on September 14, 2015 at 7:58pm

Marsha - How do you talk to Ernie?  I try everyday but I always end up crying and then I can't stop.  I want so much to talk to Brian and tell him what a rough time I'd have without him.  I think he knows without me telling him but I really would like to stop crying now - it's almost 5 years!

Comment by Marsha H on September 14, 2015 at 3:09pm


After 4 1/2 years of grief for my soul mate and the love of my life I have learned a lot about family, friends and society as a whole.  When our spouses pass away we are given the illusion that family, friends and society will still be there with kindness and consideration, but as grief counseling warned the members most do not stay stead-fast with us after a few months to a year.  Life simply goes on for them and 'we march to a different drummer of emotions.'  Sometimes family and friends may find it difficult that we are grieving and not the same person we were before and we will never be the same person as before because part of our heart and soul went with our beloved spouses.  We simply 'reinvent' ourselves and have to start over and that's a difficult task at best.  If lucky some family members and a few friends will stick stead-fast with us, but they too have a life that is in a fast-paced world.  Our time of grief is a slow process and their time of life is in the fast lane and sometimes it clashes and we are left feeling sad and alone with little understanding regarding our loss.

I've learned that although I suffer the most heart-wrenching grief family and friends also grieve to a point over the loss of their family member or friend and it's not all about me. 

I've learned that family gets on with their life and when with them I have to wear that mask of happiness or at least muster up a smile.  I am fortunate that my family will bring up happy things about Ernie, but it saddens me at times wishing he was still here.  Then I give my head a shake and try to reinvent 'me' which is a very difficult thing to do.  I have looked in the mirror and asked, 'who is that person in the mirror, what do other people see when they look at me and will I always have sad eyes that seem to have lost the light of life?'  Slowly it does come back and I notice my quick wit to make others laugh is slowing coming back and now I realize I always possessed that part of my personality even before I met Ernie.  Slowly I am picking out pieces of my personality I've had for years and trying to keep those precious commodities.

I've learned that by smiling or joking around or even talking about Ernie will only make those around feel I'm over grieving him and it makes me fearful, but now I have balanced it out more and there are times I'm happy and times I want to talk about how I feel and how much I still miss him. 

I've learned a very difficult lesson that some family members will either say it out loud of silently think that I should be over the grief and getting on with my life and you know what?  I don't care.  I simply tell them how I feel in a kind manner hoping some how I can teach them a little more of what grieving person is going through.  I was shocked at first that friends of 20 to over 40 years I've known and helped them through difficult times are simply not there and as some members have said on the forum, they can't handle seeing me alone as they always said that when Ernie and I walked into a room we lit up that room and so, I now accept the fact that when Ernie passed away that light dimmed and I'm in the shadows.  I am no longer considered a 'couple.'  No more invitations to many of these friend's homes and broken promises of 'we'll have to get together.'  I call it 'cleaning out my closet' and for those who chose to bury their head in the sand and never keeping in touch I've had to walk away and now I'm try to make new friends which is another saga of my life and not an easy task, but it's doable. 

I walk tall, head up, shoulders square and do the best I can.  Inside I may be breaking apart at times, but I'm moving forward at the beat of my drummer to keep Ernie's memory alive.  We're all heroes! 


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