Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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Vote of thanks.

Started by Janka. Last reply by Sara Murphy Jun 25. 6 Replies

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Comment by Sara Murphy 5 hours ago

Chuck.....thank you for the encouragement.  You are a true friend.   In order to make tonight manageable, I've decided to think of it as just a girls night.  It's a small dinner party, 7 people, all women so there's no reason for me to focus on it being a 50th birthday dinner.  I'm sure I'll have a good time.  Ken would often refer to us as "the hens" so I know he would want me to go.

So I went to a Medium, Matt Fraser.  He does group readings in Mass, R.I. and N.H.   With about 200 people at his reading, I never expected Ken to come through but there he was.  He came through with a bang, saying something embarrassing so I had no doubt it was him.  Ken was relaying a lot of information to Matt that he couldn't possibly know.  It helps me to believe that he's okay and waiting for me.  Matt mentioned he's with his childhood dog so I know he's happy.  He had been wanting a dog but had been waiting to get healthy.  I don't miss him one speck less, it still hurts that he's not here with me but it's a reminder that his soul is alive somewhere.  Same is true for everyone here.  I hope knowing/believing that can help in some way.

Chuck.....I meant to mention that that's a great photo of Larry and the flowers are just beautiful.   I can see why you would want to pick and arrange them yourself. 

I wish everyone here a peaceful weekend.


Comment by Charles E. Nelson 12 hours ago

Hello Harold,

I keep looking at the photos you have shared with us of Diane's garden, and find myself pondering how there is a common thread for us -  that in our grief,  we all gravitate to something in which our loved ones took such pleasure  - those places, hobbies, or pastimes that they enjoyed with such joy.

There are day lilies growing in the yard that Larry and I planted 30 years ago - we brought them back from a trip to Hancock, MA and a farm that had been my grandparents home. Larry loved the place as much as I, and to have a living reminder of our fun times spent there right in our yard made us so happy. You see, Hancock is where I proposed to Larry...

Last summer, when the lilies started blooming in great profusion, I woke one morning with the urgent need to cut some and make an arrangement to place with his photo - I always had done this, cutting just the right stems having buds which would continue to open for the next two or three days as I clipped the spent blooms.

I made my way out to the patch, up a slightly uneven incline, with my cane, clippers, and a pail of water to stand them in until getting them inside. I took me quite some time, and I nearly fell more than once, but nothing would deter me.

When they were arranged just so, I took a photo and I share it here for you, and everyone. I got no end of lecturing from the visiting nurse when she saw them - she asked who had cut them for me, and was angry that I had disobeyed her and gone out into the yard alone. "I could cut them for you when you want some flowers!" she said to me, and I replied "No, I have to cut them myself, and they have to be the perfect ones for Larry - no one else can do it like I will for him."

She grew very quiet, patted my shoulder, and told me she was sorry - she wasn't thinking...and I should do what feels right, so long as I promise to be very careful.

All in our own ways, we do these things, little rituals of remembrance - gestures of love - that make us feel closer, and we step back and say "There you go, my love - this is just for you from me...I will always love you." You have done that for Diane, and I just wish to say how very proud of you I feel, and how much your tribute to beautiful Diane is as much a tribute to you, my friend, and the caring and special  man you are.

Have a peaceful weekend Harold -

With love from your friend Chuck

Day Lilies for Larry

Comment by Charles E. Nelson 14 hours ago

Hello Sara,

Just wanted to let you know that you are in my thoughts today - going to the birthday party is going to be hard, I know. Try to let it be what it will, finding whatever awaits you there with a sense of calm and peace. Ken's plans for your party being thwarted as they were will of course be on your mind, but sometimes we are led to places and people because we are meant to have some positive effect on their lives, maybe even by something as small as attending, or sharing our story.

I am so very proud of you, my friend, in the great progress you have made in such a short time. It is possible you may not feel it, but we all see it from our vantage point, and  commend you for your willingness to see a future for yourself that not that long ago seemed unthinkable to you to envision.

Have a peaceful day, Sara, and feel our hugs as we all send our thoughts and prayers out to you.



Comment by Charles E. Nelson 15 hours ago

Hello Cynthia,

I just saw your post, and am terribly sorry for your friend's troubles.  Like Marsha, I also lost a dear friend to suicide, and know how difficult your situation is, loving someone and feeling helpless as they go through such anguish that it brings them to this act. I pray for her and you both, that she receives good care and support, and that you continue to follow the positive and forward-looking path you and your boyfriend are on. His grief over the loss of his son must be devastating - I have no children, so can only imagine his feelings. He and his son are in my prayers also.

I want to thank you for sharing the portions of your book - you are indeed a very good writer, and convey your thoughts and feelings at any given moment with great power and clarity, and much poetry. I wish you great things from your efforts - the writing alone is an exercise in healing and growth, but I hope it also is successful in reaching many many people who will benefit from your sharing.

Sending a hug, and thoughts of peace, and hope, and especially love -


Comment by Marsha H 15 hours ago

Dear Cynthia ...  I am so very sorry to hear about your friend and pray she finds help.  Just before Ernie passed away one of my friends took her own life.  I do understand how much a person can be in mental pain and sometimes there is nothing one can do about it.  Please keep me informed as to how your friend is doing.

You are a busy girl.  I too have learned how to use some of Ernie's tools and I surprise myself.  I laughed at you learning not to be afraid of climbing a ladder because 3 steps up one for me is enough!  LOL  I know it must be hard to go back to work when you feel you haven't had a vacation or just time to yourself.  I have only had 3 days away since Ernie passed away 5 1/2 years ago.  I am hoping my girlfriend will go to Vegas, but not sure she's on board yet.  We had planned this several months ago and she seemed eager then.  If not I will have to find a retreat of my own and go alone which I sure wouldn't like.

I am so happy for you that you have such a wonderful boyfriend.  I wish I were as lucky.  I'm afraid of online dating and I'm just looking for a nice, normal man to have a pleasant relationship with.  I love Ernie, but it's time to move ahead. 

That trip to Georgia sounds like fun for the both of you.  That's so sad he lost a twin son and there is nothing worse than losing a child, but I know both of you will make each other strong and have a good life together.  I feel like being married to Ernie and going through his illness was just a dream and unfortunately we couldn't have children, but eventually I snap out of it and know it was for real. 

Enjoy life my dear friend and say a prayer for me that I'll meet someone like you did.



Comment by Cynthia Murphy 15 hours ago

Dear Marsha H. Thank you for your kind words. Friday was a long day. A very close friend tried to end her life. I had to notify her family. Hopefully Saturday will be better. I'm busy redoing the deck on my mom's house. Using power tools I've never used. Exciting but tiring. I only have one more week of summer vacation and it's back to work. I don't want to go. Guess because I didn't go anywhere and I need a break. My boyfriend and I plan on going to south Georgia in October when the temperature cools down and meet some of my cousins. He has of read any of my book yet but I have plans to share with him. He lost one of his twin
sons 15 years ago and he grieves as it was yesterday. I feel like it's been a lifetime in these past 32 months. Sometimes I don't feel like that life ever was. If it wasn't for my children I would think it was a bad dream. We're so busy with life sometimes that we get lost in the little things that can bring us joy. Since I have been dating this wonderful man I have been hiking, learned how to bait my own hook and deep sea fishing, overcome my fear of being on a tall ladder, ride on a four wheeler for the first time, laugh and really enjoy life again. Love again.

Comment by Marsha H 16 hours ago

Todd ...  It is wonderful to hear from you.  Please let us know how you're doing.  We miss you posting.  As far as myself I worry about my chicks.  LOL



Comment by Marsha H 16 hours ago

Harold ...

The fact Diane started the garden is even more special and once again you have meshed your love towards her by finishing it off.  Both of you did a wonderful job and you did gave a wonderful gift in her memory with the plaque, the arbor and plants. 



Comment by Marsha H 16 hours ago

My dearest Deb ... 

I'm thinking of you my dear friend and sending my prayers and strength your way.  I dedicate this song to you to keep you strong and to believe!

He is there!  Smile! Your beloved gave to you many wise and wonderful things and you enhanced each other's lives and now, you carry the torch of his memory in your heart.

Big hugs


Comment by Marsha H 16 hours ago

My dearest Chuck ...

Thank you for the lovely song and the words are perfect.  Thank you for raising me up. 

Love & Hugs



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