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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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Faking...

Started by Michelle. Last reply by Michelle Nov 26. 16 Replies

I feel lost

Started by Kim Henry. Last reply by Pam Wetzel Nov 23. 9 Replies

Survivor Guilt?

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Comment by Renae McKee yesterday

Marsha you are amazing!!! I truly feel like your advice fits where I am right now and I could not thank you enough!!! You are truly blessed to reach out to those that are in need and in many cases I am sure YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE that can understand. Thank you again and I will keep you posted on my health & traveling to California.......GOD BLESS YOU ALL ON HERE!!!!!!

Comment by Marsha H yesterday

Dear Renae ...  I am so happy you knew I was only trying to help.  It's called 'tough love.'  Right now you need to come first for a change.  Feelings of going crazy is a normal reaction in grief and it will be fine and these feelings will pass in time.  Family and even some friends know some of us widows don't have a lot of money, but they get it in their heads there must be some unforeseen Life Insurance money dribbling in and we're loaded.  I have come across this often.  I am disgusted that most of our oldest and dearest friends (the male spouses of our friends) expect to be paid for small fixes around the house.  I couldn't believe it!  Gone are the good old days where 'you just did' for people without compensation. 

I sure hope you are medically cleared and get to California to see your friends because it's the best thing for you and you deserve it.  Please let us know. 

Holidays for those who grieve are the big bane and some may skip certain holidays while others throw themselves into it even though it's difficult.  Either way is OK.  My first year of grieving I hardly knew my own name and by the 2nd year I hosted a couple of Christmas buffets and I'm doing it this year, but it's hard on me at times.  I fear if I don't do something like this I will lose what friends stayed loyal to me.  We are all trying to reinvent ourselves as to who we are now and it's one tough job, but slowly we manage to get there.

I hope you are having better days hon.  We're here!

Hugs

Marsha

Comment by Renae McKee yesterday

To Marsha, Deb, Jan, Carol Kayser & Janeo *****YOU ARE ALL FANTASTIC!!!! Marsha I did not take offence to anything you said. The money thing, how crazy my kids think, they know that I now get less then 1/4 of what we had coming in as a couple they are just used to when they needed help, their Dad & I were there. I literally thought yesterday that I needed to be committed in order to save my life. You on here and my closest friends that I grew up with have been my biggest support. They want to fly me to California to have a girls slumber party....sounds fun, but I have to be cleared medically due to poor blood flow in my legs, but yes I may go for a week. I love my home of memories and need to continue to get healthy. THANK YOU ALL AGAIN FOR BEING HERE FOR ME!! HOLIDAYS WILL ALWAYS GET TO ME,,,OUR ANNIVERSARY WAS NOVEMBER 21ST, THEN CAME THANKSGIVING, &  CHRISTMAS & NEW YEARS! THEY WILL NEVER FEEL THE SAME AGAIN

Comment by janeo on Thursday
Renae,
You have my prayers as well. People will shy away but you have us and we won't leave you. Everyone here has your back. No one understands the way we do. And please give your kids time. They will be there for you. It took a while for my son fully support me but he did as well as your kids will. Marsha is right everything she wrote. Marsha is wise and wonderful.
Comment by Carol Kayser on Thursday

Dear Renae, really sorry you are going through this alone.  That is so hard.  Our thoughts and prayers are with you and be strong and lean on us.  Also I totally agree with Marsha that our sweethearts are here with us and they still love us so very much and it hurts them to see us hurting.  Talk to your darling and even if just to vent, to cry and you will feel better, there is still that bond between you both.

Families can be incredibly selfish, so one step at a time, in resolving issues, as Marsha says.

.Hugs and caring thoughts,

Carol

Comment by Marsha H on Thursday

Dear Renae ...  I am so sorry to hear you are in a dark place.  Hon, I know you are in a fog-like state and it's difficult to resolve problems when you are going through raw grief.  I hope what I am about to say will not offend you and my suggestions are only meant to protect you while you are in this fragile state.

For some reason when our spouses pass away children and friends seem to think widows are rolling in money which isn't true in most cases.  I got the same thing and some stupid suggestions such as 'go away on a 4 month vacation.'  Say what?  It's all I can do to keep my home and keep up repairs.  I have a small immediate family and most of my old friends have disappeared now that I am a widow and no longer 'a couple.'  It hurts!  A few will make that dutiful phone call.

Here is my opinion on what you should do to resolve some of your problems and please don't feel pressured to take my opinion.  For now just leave your son estranged from you and try to resolve this matter in a year when you are stronger and then perhaps try to make peace with your son.  I think the death of someone we love so deeply should teach us how fragile life is.  As far as your parents it's best (if possible) to confront them one-on-one and ask them why they aren't keeping in touch and you need their strength to help you get through your grief.  Sometimes family or friends wait for us to reach out to them as they don't know what mind-set we are in while dealing with our grief. 

I do know that feeling of people who are grieving at least having a job to go to and keeping busy and if retired it makes it much more difficult to deal with grief and we can feel left out of the circle of life, but it doesn't last forever.  The first year we are in a fog, but in most cases by the second year although we still shed tears and miss our spouses we manage to get stronger little by little. 

This is where tough love comes in.  You have the magic answer to your problem when you said, 'I so wish MY SWEETHEART was here because he would never allow our children to treat me this way!!!'  Your sweetheart is around you in spirit and giving you strength.  You don't have to take what you children dish out!  Stop with the ATM!!!!  No more ching, ching, ching.  If they want to earn money great and if they don't help you stop the dime from coming in.  Even now you can sit down with your children and express how you are feeling and that 'I love you' would make you feel a lot better.  It is also important to realize others are grieving for your sweetheart although not as intense as you are, but they are grieving in their own way.  No two people grieve in the same way.  I can't express enough that communication is so very important so sit down with your children and let the tears flow and let them know how you feel and then give them the respect of letting you know how their grief feels.  Most problems are because there is a lack of communication.

May I also suggest if possible seek out a good loyal friend you can rely on and get their opinions on what your problems are and how to resolve them as best you can.

Hang in there hon because honestly grief does get more tolerable as time goes by.  Just keep venting to us as we're here to pick each other up when we're hurting.  Consider us your extended family because I have always though of everyone on this forum as my extended family and it helps.

Big hugs (because you need one)

Marsha 

Comment by Deb on Thursday

Hi Renae, You're not alone in that dark place because I'm right there with you as well as many others that unfortunately belong to this group. It's helpful to know that the pain will become more bearable "someday"...I have a small family of only 2 sisters and neither of them live nearby so I won't see them for the holidays.  No one I know has even asked what my plans are...My partner passed away suddenly last January 14th so the holidays this year, are especially hard. I'm sorry that your sisters aren't communicating with you and your daughters are too busy with their lives and not there for you, either. I know how it is...

Wishing you and all on this forum peace.

Hugs, Deb

Comment by Jan on Thursday
Renae hang in there. I have lost my mind over my kids too. They are 19 and 23 both live at home rent free and I have to yell and scream at them to do their chores. Since they don't pay rent the least they can do is help out around the house. It's now been 5 days since they washed the dishes. I am so hurt and mad. When they leave today I am going to put all the dirty dishes in their unmade beds. Renae don't worry about anyone but yourself. They are not worth it. You deserve love and respect from your family during this time. You are right. Our husbands would never stand for this.
Comment by Renae McKee on Thursday

I am in a very DARK PLACE  right now!!!!! The loss of my husband & all the estrangement is killing me!! My son has been estranged from me for almost 5 years! My firstborn grandchild turns 5 today (she is my son's daughter that he gave up rights to) and her mother refuses to let us see her anymore. My parents don't call, my oldest daughter will not speak to me, my twin sister will not speak to me, my oldest sister will not speak to me. The only people I have is my older sister that is staying with me & my youngest daughter & her husband that live next door, but that even is feeling strained. I am grieving & I know my daughters are also, but they have work & college. I have been so angry about how they treat me! Sometimes I feel like I am just an ATM machine to them, the others say they don't call because they don't know what to say, maybe an "I LOVE YOU" would help???? I don't even know why I am still here????????? I so wish MY SWEETHEART was here because he would never allow our children to treat me this way!!! PLEASE PRAY FOR ME!! 

Comment by georgia on December 10, 2014 at 7:41am
Good morning Ranea,
I wish you a good day today.
I have been reading your post, it brings me back to the pain in the first months of my greif.
I just want to tell you that it does get better the pain and anguish .
You will always have a tuch , and pain but it is more barrable.
I am so sorry no one invited you for the holiday .
Know that you are not alone.
With understanding Georgia.
 

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