Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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Just a reminder to all of you over these next few days. The weather reports all over are talking extreme heat. Those of you out West have even warmer temperatures than here in the Midwest or East. Please keep well hydrated by drinking plenty of water. Hopefully all of you have air in your homes. If not, please find a friend or relative that has air and see if you can go there. Otherwise, find out where the cooling centers in your neighborhood or town are and use them. Please take care not to over exert yourself and check in here.

Discussion Forum


Started by Michelle. Last reply by John Rood Feb 13. 35 Replies

Survivor Guilt?

Started by Vickie. Last reply by Vickie Jan 22. 12 Replies

I feel lost

Started by Kim Henry. Last reply by Kim Henry Jan 6. 11 Replies

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Comment by Steve 1 hour ago
I am going through each new day still hurting and still trying to find my way. Each day is a challenge just to get up and go to work and I find myself on the roller coaster ride of emotions.
Some days I feel angry and frustrated knowing that I cannot change the fact that my Mark is no longer here with me. Finding this site has helped me through some days when I am overwhelmed with depression.
Just felt the need to say thank you all for your support and encouragement.
Comment by janeo 3 hours ago

Thank you Marsha,  I don't know how you do it. Your an amazing ANGEL

Comment by Marsha H 9 hours ago

Janeo ...  I am so sorry you are going through such heartache.  I still have my times too.  I think more than shock we simply miss our spouses and everything we see and do can remind us of what we've lost.  I was doing so well (almost 4 years since Ernie passed) and wham!  Out of nowhere and just at the beginning of the year I felt like I'd been slam dunked back to the very beginning of my grief.  I was so concerned I was clinically depressed I went and saw my doctor and we had a long talk and he didn't feel I was, but 'sad.'  Of course we are sad, feel lost and most importantly feel the weight of the world is suddenly on our shoulders.  Oh yes, I miss Ernie like crazy, still can cry off and on and then I slap myself silly, get back up and try to make my life as pleasurable as I can and it's not easy when you're older than dirt.  LOL

You are in my prayers my friend.



Comment by Marsha H 9 hours ago

Elizabeth ...  I find when I fear something I try to learn more about it so I'm more prepared and psychologically more apt to handle it.  In many good articles on grief it is important to know that not all people grieving suffer all the symptoms and some of the symptoms they may get do not come in the same order as another person grieving.  There are symptoms such as:  disbelief the loved one is gone, thinking that person will come back and it's all a bad dream, reality of the love one's death, pining, crying, trying to find out who you are now that your loved one has gone and where do you fit into life, anger and finally acceptance.

Anger to me is a big issue for many who are grieving for their loved one.  Some individuals never feel that anger and some do, but will deny it until they are through some of the grief and realize they are either angry that their loved one is gone and it's unfair to yes, even anger directed at their loved one.  Having helped counsel some grieving individuals (not a professional, but volunteered) some said they were absolutely not angry with their loved one passing away, but later were awe struck they were, but that does pass.  It is certainly normal for many considering for some grievers they feel they are in a living hell, isolated, deserted and going through so much heartache that they didn't want and they have to blame someone.

A psychologist once told me that often writing a letter about how they felt and being absolutely honest with their feelings (cry and get it out) whether mad at God, doctors, your loved one or life in general) was very therapeutic and after they finished writing their emotions down to put the paper away and bring it out and read it 2 weeks later and then burn it, then 2 months or more sit down and then write another letter to yourself regarding how you feel about your life and if you've counted your blessing, how you feel about the future, etc., put that away for 2 weeks, read it and then burn it.  It really does work and is a cleansing. 

Elizabeth, don't be afraid of your emotions and go with the flow of it no matter how your heart hurts because your loved one is giving you strength as well as God.  Think of the millions who have lost a loved one and they survived to have a good quality of life.  When I feel fear hit me and even though I am terrified I hit it head on with an attitude of 'there is nothing worse than losing someone you love, so what in the future during this grieving process can make me feel any worse.'  Once I got that attitude and even though I cried, felt very lonely at times it was not as devastating as I thought it would be.  Let the tears come, cry when you want to and know that each day you get up you're getting stronger.  We're here to pick you up when you're down.



Comment by janeo 17 hours ago
I still feel in that shock stage and it's been 5 years. Every other stage I went through is gone. The other stages I go through come and go. It is crazy. My Dr said I'm still in that clinically depression. I'm at the point the shock is never going away.
Comment by Elizabeth C 19 hours ago
The link I left was for the Stages and emotions of grief page as I thought that was accurate and I am in most of the beginning stages. I do not look forward to the later stages though, anguish and longing, I don't think I am there yet, I fear this stage. I'm in the shock, numbness and disbelief with some searching thoughts, these are like a fantasy or a daydream where I will think what if he is right there on the street corner where I can pick him up...something like that. When I find myself doing that I tell myself to get back to reality as I don't think those thoughts are helpful.
Marsha, thank you for your responses, the song you had a link for was very nice as well.
Trina, thank you for your response as well. I know I did the best I could at the time and everyone says don't beat yourself up, it's just such a shock and tragedy, I search for answers and the emotions are like a roller coaster, sometimes I am laughing and sometimes I want to end it. I wouldn't of course, Its just that in that moment you do not want to deal with it. That the pain of the loss and what your loved one lost is so great it is hard to bear especially in that moment.
Comment by Marsha H yesterday

Trina ...  coming from my heart to yours thank you for your post and I feel blessed.  Throughout your own grief you've reached out to the rest of us and you made my night!

You are so right in what you to told Elizabeth, but unfortunately, the guessing game as to whether we did enough or too little is part of grief for some, but thankfully short-lived.

All of you are in my prayers.



Comment by Marsha H yesterday

Elizabeth ...  Great read on the link you left.  Thanks so much.



Comment by Trina Mamoon on Monday

Hi All,

Just wanted to let you know that I read your posts last thing before going to bed, as our posts give me strength to carry on and help me connect with people who are going through loss, heartbreak and pain. We all help each other in ways that we don't even realize. Just knowing that someone else understands what you are facing and is there to pick you up when you feel down brings some amount of comfort.

Elizabeth, I am glad to hear that in some small way my words helped you through a tough spot. Please remember, that there are times in life when things are out of our control. We can second guess ourselves in hindsight, but at the moment the decisions we took on behalf of our beloved one, was the best one we could have taken. We don't have medical degrees, so how can we know what was the right decision? Please don't torture yourself anymore. You did everything you could to save your husband's life, but it was not in your hands. Think of all the care and love you gave him.

Peace to all.

Comment by Elizabeth C on Monday
Grief...I found this insightful and interesting...

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