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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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Comment by Steve yesterday
I might not be someone's first choice, but I am a great choice.
I may not be rich but I am valuable.
I don't pretend to be someone I'm not, because I'm good at being me.
I might not be proud of some of the things I've done in the past, but I am proud of who I am today.
I may not be perfect but I don't need to be.
Take me as I am, or watch me as I walk away.

Found this "quote of the day" on FB and thought I would share.
Comment by Jane P. yesterday

Linda,  I wish I had an answer as to why with one dieing breath people change. I think if we had the answer to that question we just maybe rich!  I had a neighbor who thought I was contagious and never extended a hand to express condolences.  If I ever had the opportunity to tell her I was not I would also like to add no one is invincible either but she was not worth my time! However one bad apple does not spoil the bunch because the other neighbors could not be more accommodating to me, for that I was blessed.    Your first year is your time to heal so like Carol said baby steps, just take your time. For some reason we were the ones chosen to be left behind and since we have to be here we might as well make the most of it!  Hugs, Jane P.

Comment by Jane P. yesterday

Janeo,  You are also a good angel friend!  Many HUGS, Jane P.

Comment by Marsha H on Tuesday

Dear Linda ...  I am so sorry you are going through such a rough time, but it doesn't surprise me.  When I went to grief counseling they warned the members that very few friends would stay and just disappear (I have 3 loyal friends and those I've know well over 35 years have disappeared.)  I have a very small immediate family and have no children.  I know my brother loves me, but he seldom phones me and never once has come to my home just to have a visit with me.  His wife does come fairly often to see me and when I phoned my brother once to get it all out of my system as to why he never phones I got, 'Well, Donna fills me in.'  Of course I read him the riot act and told him he may find himself in my shoes one day and to remember how he treats others.  I decided to try and make new friends, but it's not an easy task.  I know how it hurts our hearts when rejected by some family members or old friends.  Some do have it very lucky where family gathers together for support and most friends have stayed stead-fast, but that's not as common as one may think.  What I did was 'clean out my closet.'  I always did it each year even when Ernie was alive.  If I had people in my life that were unkind, always taking and never giving or not treating me with respect I just walked away and crossed them off my list and I suggest you do the same with your neighbor.  That is so callous that she can't let you get a little choked up off and on and try to understand.  I've dealt with friends of ours that have had their spouse pass away and never once did Ernie and I turn our backs on them so it's possible others can have more empathy and be there for support.  You may feel rejected and alone now, but eventually you will meet others in the future.  As far as your brothers it's sad that they can't realize one doesn't get over grief of a spouse in a few weeks to a year and we're all doing the best we can dealing with it.  If anything just being here breathing and getting through a day with the pain of losing our spouse we should be getting a pat on the back.  Don't let it get you down my friend and you grieve the way you want and don't let anyone in your life tell you otherwise.  We're all here for you even if it's not the same as having us there bodily.  We feel your pain and some of us are still trying to find out what our new lifestyle will bring us.

I hope you are having a better day of it and remind yourself you are stronger than you think and Wayne is nearby watching over you.  Cry when you want, then kick yourself and get moving.  LOL  That's what I do. 

Big hugs (because you need it)

Marsha

Comment by Marsha H on Tuesday

Carol ...  I never take things lightly with what our angels say on here, but sometimes it's the way they say it and a cute quote that brings either a smile to my face or makes me laugh as I know exactly what they are feeling and going through.

I know exactly what you mean when you are not sure of volunteering.  I am in the same spot and find right now it's difficult to commit as I'm going through some health issues right now.  I don't mind volunteering on the Sundays to help out with the shelter dogs, but once committed to a elderly person there is no going back.  If I can't do a job well I just don't feel I should be doing at least in that time frame.  I don't feel strong enough right now and hopefully will feel better come September.  I think volunteering would be good for you, but start out with something simple; if you can't be there that's OK and you don't feel hemmed in.  I have a chance to volunteer to visit an elderly person, but going to wait until my health issue is hopefully resolved. 

It would be great to get together in September.  I was busy during the summer as well and managed to get away to Chemainus with my girlfriend for 3 days, but already want to get away again.  A wedding is coming up September 3rd and I am looking forward to that.  First time I've had a dress on my scrawny body since 2004.

You seem to have good success with Anoor.  Not one thing she told me came true and she said some time would have to go by before I saw her again and she'd contact me in January of this year and never heard from her.  She is very difficult to get in touch with as well.  If you get in to see her please let me know how it goes.

I hear you have lots of smoke out your way and I don't envy you.  It's not too bad here and thank heavens the weather has cooled down.  I haven't seen so many people ill as I have since the heat wave and the long dry spell.  My neighbor has been coming over to fix a few things for me and he just phoned and is not feeling well at all (digestive problems.)  Something seems to be going around.

Well my friend I'm off (in more ways than one) and have a few things to do today and I wish only good things for you and to all on here.  It's time all of us caught a break.  Remember, your Jack is around.

Love & Hugs

Marcy

Comment by Linda B on Tuesday

Just had to pop in for a few minutes angels, was reading your posts and thankful for them all. Unfortunately Carol I didn't make the 40 year club, mine was only the 30, but they were the best years of my life. I understand so much of what your saying, I feel like I'm back at the beginning right now like I can't make simple decisions even, don't feel like leaving the house if I don't have to right now. Went through a bad week a couple weeks ago with my 2 brothers where I said I wouldn't bother asking them for anything again, and then a neighbour of 28 years that hadn't even extended a hand of sympathy in all this time, hadn't talked to me, was on the phone and because I choked up when I was about to say something she said she couldn't talk to me if I was going to be like that. That's just putting it briefly, but it really makes me want to just keep to myself and the wonderful angels on here.  You all have such big loving hearts, just wish we were all closer in location. Thanks for listening again and my love and prayers for all of you too because I know your hurting too, and trying "baby steps" to get where you're going each day also. HUGS () () Linda B.

Comment by Carol Kayser on Tuesday

Dear Linda, so sorry for your loss of your loved one, Wayne. Seems we have a sort of '40 year' club happening. I do echo Marsha's words though that we were incredibly lucky to have the wonderful spouses in our lives and they will be dearly loved and missed each moment.
It is difficult to move forward and the phrase we always use is "baby steps", one tiny step at a time.
Welcome here to this forum of angels who sure helped me through some very difficult moments and I know they will do the same for you.

Hugs,
Carol

Comment by Carol Kayser on Tuesday

Marsha, well said. Glad I could bring you a smile! I know, it just seems to be an effort to meet people. Now my friend has started volunteer driving people to doctor appointments x 2 a week. She says I should try too but I am just not sure. I would need to look into it more. I would want them to be friendly people, lol and not sure how that would work out!
Plus Abby is 4 now and a busy bee! I am enrolling her in gymnastics and will be taking and picking her up plus her mom is always needing me for something it seems! Jack was absolutely right when he lay on that couch and said "you will be so busy looking after the grandkids"! Here I am, doing just that.
It would be so special and wonderful if we could get together with the people on the site, but truthfully as you say, it is just amazing to have the cyber friendships on here and how very special they are to us.
I will get organized for September and make plans for us:) Summer has been busy as I have been back and forth to Gibsons a lot and that takes up a lot of time with travel. Love to plan a trip somewhere soon though, it will have to be a great deal though to engage me lol!
Oh I have been thinking a lot of seeing Anoor again. When she starts popping into my mind I know it is time.

Hugs and stop "furrowing" lol!

Comment by Carol Kayser on Tuesday

Janeo, thanks so much for the lovely hearts:) so glad you are still around! Hugs.

Comment by Marsha H on Tuesday

Dear Carol ...  I can sure relate to the 5 year mark as it's almost 5 years since Ernie passed away and I miss him every single day. He was like Jack always encouraging, getting me to laugh and kept me balance.  Now I'm mentally imbalanced.  LOL  Seriously, I suppose that's the lesson we learn from our sweethearts, that first, we were so lucky to have found true love and had them for as long as we did and also all we learned from their wisdom and kindness.

I have noticed a furrow or two between my eyes simply because now that I'm on my own I have to speed think and hope I don't make a mistake.  I use to find it hard to laugh once, but slowly that's coming back and I hope it does for you as well my friend.  It will never be quite the same, but it slowly comes back.  I can see where little Abby would make you smile and give you a few laughs.  She is a dear, sweet little girl and as I always said, 'an old soul.'  I have no doubt whatsoever that Jack is well aware of what is going on and that he has his little granddaughter.

You made me laugh about your comedy night 'pigs fly or do they' and I sure can relate.  I find it difficult to find the joy in much of anything now.  I do try though.  I've been trying to fit into society myself and it's easier said than done.  I have volunteered (now volunteer for a dog shelter that adopts dogs out) and that's only on Sundays.  Joined a Bible Study group and that stopped because the people having it had other opportunities in the church, joined Tai Chi and my girlfriend decided she didn't want to take the classes in September.  I keep trying, but it sure isn't easy getting out in the social scene.  I have to admit there are times I feel like a ghost when I smile at people and they walk right by me.  I almost expect them to walk through me!  The strength for each of us is coming from somewhere and things are going to get better for all of us.

Love & Hugs

Marsha

 

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