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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

Members: 1342
Latest Conversations: 27 minutes ago

This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

Peace

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Bad day

Started by David Heggi. Last reply by David Heggi Nov 22. 2 Replies

New member

Started by denise. Last reply by Marsha H Oct 25. 4 Replies

Need Advice:Grief and Chronic Fatigue

Started by Kaela Roster Federle. Last reply by Kaela Roster Federle Sep 25. 27 Replies

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Comment by Mary. Jane 27 minutes ago

Thanks, DAVID

hey, I just had an idea...those of us who will be alone on Christmas Eve, should post a greeting here, at a specified time. Say about 9 or 10 pm  EST? If we do it later, it shouldn,t interrupt those of us who will be celebrating on Christmas Eve. I think most people are on the east coast...I am in the central time zone..and I plan to buy a pint of Wellers bourbon and raise a toast to life..lol..no I will NOT be drinking the whole pint, as I have to see relatives the next day...and I don,t want to get sick, but coming here and leaving good wishes might be fun.

Comment by David Heggi 3 hours ago

Dear Mary Jane,

You're mind is not gone, it's just disoriented without your Bob There.

I have been stuffing myself, and sleeping every chance I get too.

Your mind might be protecting itself with delayed grief: you just could not accept it at the time, and your mind couldn't handle it at the time.  I don't know if that is any comfort to know - pain is pain then or now.

Yes, I think pets are a comfort.  I'm glad you have yours; animals have a special sense, and can know things that we can't.

Be good to yourself Mary Jane.

Your friend,

David H

Comment by Mary. Jane 20 hours ago

DAVID..you have NO IDEA how much I feel like my mind is gone...and especially at Christmas. I have forgotten presents I have already purchased, and repurchased gifts...I can’t  find anything I put away...

This happens all the time, but it is so much worse, I am sleeping way too much...just so I can stop thinking about life, there is so much sugar stuff this time of year, I am binge eating...really bad...I just want to go to bed and sleep until my mind has some focus back...I tried watching a tv Christmas show last night but broke down at the happy singing of carols...

ironically, BOb HATED Christmas...so at least I have that...and last year I went to California to visit friends and family, and also, I was in some sort of weird mental place, where I actually thought he wasn,t really dead, but would return...I googled it it’s called delayed grief..and this year I am alone. 

Christmas Day, I am going to my nieces, and their family and I are going OUT to eat...I said NO GIFTS...and sent their family a box of Cheryl’s cookies...as they have to drive 40 minutes to come get me..I DON’T DRIVE...and I wouldn,t go,’cept I stayed alone on Thanksgiving and it was so much worse than I thought it would be...

if I DIDN,t have my cat I would go insane. Seriously. I think anyone who has lost someone should have a pet. Usually cats are kind of distant etc..but since Bob has been gone, he is my constant companion. He even sleeps with me all night...sometimes he stares off into space, and I wonder if he sees BOb. If you don,t have a pet, I would advise anyone alone to get one. Even if you don,t bond, the companionship is wonderful and comforting, and caring for a living thing brings purpose into your life. 

Wow, I DIDN,t mean to ramble on...but this turned into a really long post. Sorry.

Comment by David Heggi on Friday

Dear Sara,

You are telling it like it is.

I hope Christine knows there's no exit here;

It will hurt.  And maybe in time that hurt will lessen.

it's good that you are considering your family, and what it would mean to them if you were not here.

And you are right about spinning positive;  you are still grieving

each day, as you were yesterday, and will tomorrow - the process

goes on in it's own sweet time.  All we can do is pray that there will be angels to guide us. Well said, Sara.

Bless you,

David H

Comment by Sara Murphy on Friday

Christine........Most people really don't think.  They mean well and think they're helping us in some way however they don't realize how painful their words can be or in this case, sending you a video with no warning of it's contents.  That video may be enjoyable at some point down the road but not now when you' re in raw grief. 

You ask a very tough question....what makes us go on.  Believe me when I say I fully understand the soul crushing grief you feel every day.  It'll be 2 years in January since I lost the absolute love of my life.   I think about him every minute of every day and there's nothing I want more than to have him back.  I also understand your guilt because I have the guilt of living and for me, it hasn't gotten easier.  Even something as simple as taking a shower makes me feel guilty like how dare I take care of myself when he's not here.  I potentially have another 30 years ahead of me and that thought horrifies me.  What makes me go on however is two things....one is I have young nieces that I want to see grow up.  Ken knows how much I love them.  He also knows how much they love him as he was a favorite uncle and they still struggle with his passing.  The other is that I couldn't possibly put my parents and siblings (and nieces) through the pain of losing me.  My mother is already devastated by Ken's loss as he was equivalent to a son.  I know she couldn't bear to lose me on top of it plus I have one sister in particular that needs me for advice/venting for her personal life and I wouldn't want to leave her with no one to talk to.  Being here for them does nothing to take away my pain.  I still cry for Ken every day.  I don't foresee myself ever moving on or being in another relationship.  I do wish I could put somewhat of a positive spin on it or pretend that the sun may shine again some day but I can't.  I'm going to leave that to some of the angels here that I know will be more helpful.  Honestly, that's the reason I don't post much lately.  I don't want everyone to feel as empty as I do.  I want my legacy family to be happy and thrive again.

Comment by David Heggi on Friday

Dear Christine,

I'm so sorry you had to go through that.

Life becomes a land mine of triggers.  People don't mean 

to be cruel; they just can't know.

If I had known that my David was dying, I would be right there

ready to go together.  Surely he would not leave me behind.

Well, in real life, one usually does die before the other, leaving the other to grieve, sometimes so deeply that we don't want to 

live.

I get it; I.m there much of the time.  But then there are times

when I begin to feel a little less grief and a little more capable

of living.

Please try to look at that possibility, Christine

Your friend,

David H

Comment by Christine Blaire on Friday

Ok friends I'm in panic mode! Went to Dr and she changed my antidepressants and increased the ativan. Next weds. Is mri and not nervous about that. I feel like running and screaming. And I know it's not even one day but one minute at a time. The other morning there was something posted on messenger....she said she thought I'd like it, she did and she thought it was the last time my husband did karaoke. So I opened it. There was my husband with his arm around me singing to me. He sang to me when I walked down the aisle to me and sang our wedding song at the end of every show.I went into full blown panic attack. My daughter yelled to shut it off. It took three ativans and two shots of vodka at 9:30 am to bring me around. She should have asked if I wanted it at this time or warned me what it was. I have cd s that he made for me that I can't listen to yet let alone a video!  I have three does and every one of them were upset that she did that. I know,people don't think. I still don't know for sure what I'm going to do about the cancer. We loved each other so much that we said when the time came that we'd go together. Now I feel guilty that I'm still alive if I had been sure that I had cancer I would have put my wedding dress on, got into bed beside him and put on all nine fentanyl patches that were l left. I hate life. So I need to ask....what makes you all go on...

This pain isn't going to go away. I can't bear it. I don't know what to do. Life is not worth living anymore.

Comment by Sara Murphy on Thursday

David.....I commend you for getting out and having that breakfast.  I know it's so hard to do.   I too fluctuate like that.  I think it's one of those "normal" things we feel but it doesn't feel normal to me. 

Comment by David Heggi on Wednesday

When a loved one passes on there are a lot of lasts and firsts - that last trip together, that last goodnight/that first night alone, that first meal out w/o him.

This morning I went out for breakfast to intentionally break our 35 years of going out together - we almost always went together.

Well, you can imagine;  I sat there staring at that empty seat across from me waiting for David to place his order, but there was no one else, just the single me.  "Single"

It was awful, but I did it;  I broke it - for whatever that's worth.

I know that there will be a lot of firsts and lasts. 

I fluctuate between avoiding and embracing: I want to die/I want to live.

I just had say this

Comment by Sara Murphy on Wednesday

Diane......Thank you for posting the quote.  It'll be 2 years in January and I still truly believe nothing will ever fill the void.  Reading that quote gives me hope.

 

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