Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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Discussion Forum

Survivor Guilt?

Started by Vickie. Last reply by Tonya Janowski yesterday. 9 Replies

I feel lost

Started by Kim Henry. Last reply by MJ Sep 29. 8 Replies

How did they do it?

Started by Suzanne. Last reply by MJ Sep 29. 43 Replies

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Comment by Mark Jackson 21 hours ago

Hello Everyone,

  I'd thought I would drop by and say hey. Sorry I been a while since I've posted anything or checked in. I still read your post mostly late at night when I can't sleep. Which is most nights. My doctor wants me to start taking sleeping pills, but I just don't feel right or good when I do. come to think of it I haven't felt right in a long time. I well say that just reading your posts helps out a lot. Just to know that your truly not alone in this journey helps.  Well I've made it though my first year. I don't remember much of it, but I made it.

My biggest battle right now is the feelings of guilt I have when I can't make it to see Cathy. I try to stay busy to keep me sane, and make time to go see her and talk, but most of the time I get to busy and time gets away from me and I don't make it there. Then when I do realize I didn't go it tears me apart. I feel like I'm forgetting her and that's hurts the most. Then if I do go it feels like it just happen yesterday, and I'm losing her again. Its a vicious circle, but its one I'm going to get though. I was reading the other night and found a poem I think you will like. I know it has help me, I can hear my Cathy saying it to me. I'm sorry I don't know who wrote it, but here it is:                                     Well I've gone on long enough.  I'll kept you all in my prayers.

Comment by Marsha H on Friday

Georgia ..  We do feel your pain.  Some of us have been in the raw pain you have been in and I sometimes still go through it after  3 1/2 years, but the feelings are further apart and not so intense.  Jane P gave wise advice that the 5 sense, sight, sound, smell, taste and feel can trigger grief.  Grief to all of us is cruel, feels never-ending, but, it does ease as time passes and everyone is different in their time-line of grief.  I've learned to go with the flow and cry when I want to and that goes for sleeping if I want to.  It is also a good idea to either have a trusted family member or a friend that you can count on and vent to.  Lean on us as well and just express yourself in your posts.  I do hope you are getting some grief counseling because it does help to know others are going through the same thing you are.

I too have had a few multiple deaths and recently a friend who passed away far too young.  When grieving it certainly can make many of us feel as if death surrounds us, but, in time the road ahead with be less foggy and you will see a light at the end of the tunnel.


Marsha H

Comment by Marsha H on Friday

Dear Elvira ...  It has been 3 1/2 years since my dear Ernie passed away and although time does heal to a degree I still have my cries or the ultimate question 'why him?'  I just returned from my grief session and we were just talking about how our faith has ebbed at times.  I promise you that things will ease up for you and it just takes time.  It is made more difficult for you with multiple deaths in your family and that's a lot of grieving at one time so don't worry about falling away from your faith because it's very natural when we lose the ones we love to be angry at God and He knows this.  Once we get through grieving there is no doubt in my mind that those that have religious will return to it.  It is also normal when we lose even one person we love to death that our own mortality comes into question and we fear losing more loved ones in our lives, but this too shall pass in time.  We begin to realize it's the cycle of life even though sometimes it seems all so unfair to us.   

I know it is sad to celebrate being a grandmother for the first time, but, did you ever think that wee babe is also part of Frank?  I have no doubt also that Frank will be there in spirit to see the new arrival with a big smile on his face and eventually you'll be telling your new grand baby how wonder his/her grandfather was.  I have come to realize through my own grief that the soul never goes away and we carry the light of our spouses and carry it forward to family, friends and keep the memories burning.  Without realizing it some of those memories will make you laugh instead of cry and some will bring a tear to your eye, but they are precious moments all of us have been so fortunate to have. 

You sleep as much as you want to Elvira because that's normal with fresh grief.  Grief sucks the energy out of us and we shed tears which in turn releases stress, but can exhaust us at the same time.  Eventually you will gain strength and slowly (baby steps) you will get away from sleeping as much.  All that you are experiencing is normal and no, you aren't going crazy.  Know that we are all here for you and in our prayers.

You don't sound like a broken record and this forum is about venting so we can lean on each other and give encouragement so keep coming on here and just say what is on your mind.

Big hugs (because you need it)

Marsha H.

Comment by georgia on Friday
Marsha, thank you for your heart felt words.
Today was a lonely and sad day.
Comment by georgia on Friday
Elvira , it is 15 months since my Louie passed and there is not a day that I don't cry.
I also have not returned to church, I have prayed and prayed over the years and I also have lost a lot of people.
Maybe it is not Gods fault but I am so turned off to church, Not God, I don't understand it .
So I just don't think about it.
It is enough just going to work , visiting my husband at the C......
I still can not believe that he is not with me physically , I do believe he is with me spiritually . BUT I want him Physically .
It gets exhausting by the end of the day .
Comment by Elvira Castellanos on Friday

I haven't posted in a long time, only because I hate to repeat myself over & over, it has been 8 months since Pablo's passing and it doesn't seem to get better, I go thru the motions of every day life & not a day goes by that I don't cry & cry, was busy doing things for the baby shower as I will become a grandma for the first time in November, but like Frank I seem to be constantly questioning my faith, have not been able to go back to church on a weekly basis as I used to with my husband, I want to but so far I can't do it, too many tragedies in my family within a 5 year period, to be exact 5 deaths in 5 years & out of those, both my parents and my husband, I often feel terrified as to what's next?.

This is a very tough month for me, it would have been my 34th wedding anniversary on October 26th, last year we were planning our yearly anniversary cruise & this year I mourn & miss him, never saw this coming at all, try to take one day at a time but there are days I just want to just sleep because then I am not thinking,

Hoping every one is getting a little better,


Comment by Marsha H on Thursday

Steve ...  I have not forgotten you and how thankful I am that you have created this forum.  As Diane C put it so well 'a soft place to land' and make some fantastic friends that are so supportive of each other.  I doubt I could have survived without your forum and thank you so much again.

Marsha H

Comment by Marsha H on Thursday

Carol ...  I still have those up and down days too, but they don't come as frequently.

I am glad you are going to grief counseling.  I go tonight and I envy the fact your group goes for coffee and walks while mine doesn't.  It's the meeting on Thursday night, some tears and laughter and no support until the next meeting.  I can't say anything about it as grieving is so touchy with each individual. 

You mentioned reaching out to community.  What is it you are doing?  I am trying hard to find a place to feel useful.  Throughout the 3 1/2 years if grieving and the learning process I have two things I find difficult to over-come, feeling useless and loneliness.  Oh yes, I can be with some friends, but it doesn't fill in the void.  Meeting new people in my town is not an easy task and our government cutbacks are really doing a number on volunteers here.  One day I hope to find where I fit in.

I hope your days are full of peace and just take one day at a time my friend.


Marsha H

Comment by Marsha H on Thursday

Karen .. what a wonderful tribute to Ed.  I do understand how lonely you feel as I'm going through that myself and it's not easy to figure out where we're going in our lives or when this intense grief will stop.  Only time will tell.  Never did I think I would live to detest the word 'time' before.

I hope you are doing better today.


Marsha H

Comment by Marsha H on Thursday

Janeo ...  I sure could relate to your post to Frank as I feel the same as you do.  Sometimes I get angry at Ernie for leaving me in this hell hole and trying to reinvent myself at such a late age in life (not easy.)  I'm still trying to figure out where I fit into life.  I often think I'm on way and doing well when I see couples together and like you think that should be Ernie and I and the 'why' comes up again.  Then I suck it up and get on with life trying to keep busy and doing the best I can.

I hope all is well you dear friend.  Nice to see you post.


Marsha H


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