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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

Members: 1315
Latest Conversations: 14 minutes ago

This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

Peace

Discussion Forum

Struggling with reality

Started by Corey. Last reply by Marsha H Feb 14. 4 Replies

Nine days and a whirlwind of emotions.

Started by Tiffany Phillips. Last reply by Sara Murphy Jan 27. 12 Replies

My love.

Started by brenda may. Last reply by Marsha H Jan 12. 10 Replies

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Comment by Sara Murphy 14 minutes ago

Steve.....thank you for sharing your journey with us.  So many changes in such a short time.  In reading your post, I can envision Mark being the catalyst to these changes such as the homeless man at the dumpster and the timing of your finding Legacy which lead you to meeting Chuck.   I like to think at some point in time something inside me will push me  to a place or do to something and that I'll feel it's coming from Ken.  I hope these plans you've made with Chuck go smoothly.  Your next destination will certainly be warmer and snow free.

Love and hugs,

Sara

Comment by Marsha H 3 hours ago

Gail ...  My deepest condolences on the loss of your husband Ken.  I am so sorry you have had to join Legacy, but you couldn't have come to a better place.  The people here become each other's extended family because we know others who have not had a spouse pass away can never understand the grief we go through, but we all understand and keep ourselves grounded. 

As you may have read on other posts I lost  my husband of almost 40 years of marriage (knew him 45 years) passed away from pancreatic cancer on April 27, 2011.  He was 65 years old and we too were looking forward to our Golden Years.  It made matters worse as he was so healthy all his life and I always thought it would be myself that would go first.  When he was gone I was in shock as everyone is at first and didn't know what to do with myself and it's odd you said, 'I feel like an alien in another world' because I expressed those very same words many times and still can. Now I can still look at the world as strange and society even stranger at times. As a year or so later after our spouses passing, at least for me, family and friends got on with their own lives and I had to try and reinvent myself.

I first started out going over who I was before I met my beloved Ernie and he fell in love with me for my personality and that was 'me!'  I try to reach back and pull some of who I was then into the future.  I went through my old photo albums and traced back to many younger years up until I met my dear Ernie and began to see what my personality was like.  I also kept a journal of my thoughts and experiences since Ernie passed.   I volunteer for a dog shelter, go to Bible Study once a week and they are like an extended family, lucky to have a couple of girlfriends to do a few things with. I have been told for years I'm very good at writing so writing a book right now and if it's published or not at least I tried.  I just turned 75 in January of this year and I do find it difficult to find someone to go on a holiday with me as most still have their spouses.  Somehow, I'll figure something out.  The things that does bother me the most is that I d many things alone at times and I find that the hardest hurdle to get over.  It's wonderful that you volunteer, but some how it doesn't always fill that void in us and although many don't like the word 'time' it does take time to get to know who you are once again and reinvent your life.  I am always amazed at some miracles that head my way and find I'm able to laugh and joke around with family and friends. 

Gail, you are normal in your grief and seem to be doing everything right and it just takes time to get use to being on our own, but if we think about it we once were before we met our spouses so go back and reflect on that.  People come into our lives and it's another journey and on and on it goes and without realizing it we begin to reinvent our lives.  Believe in miracles as they do come and everything will be OK.

Hugs because you need one

Marsha    

Comment by Sara Murphy 4 hours ago

Trina....So much of what you say strikes a chord with me.   First, I'm glad to see you post again.  You really have had a lot of major changes in such a short time.   I have what I call "the guilt of living" and it's similar to what you post about feeling guilty about moving to California when Joseph is not here to do so.  I'm only 51 and Ken and I had plans to retire to North Carolina which I will now not do without him.  Due to my age, I possibly have another 30 years and I cannot fathom having to stay here that long without him.   I won't be one to tell you not to feel that way because I feel that way myself.  I haven't read through all the posts yet but Marsha, probably Chuck and Debbie, they're more uplifting than I and seem to have more of an interest in living than I do so I leave uplifting to them.   The one thing I will say is I don't think you're betraying Joseph.   I imagine he'd be happy that you're in sunny  California and not cold Alaska (although I do like watching the Alaska shows).  Please continue to check in now and then to update us on how you're doing.

Peace to you as well.

Sara

Comment by Charles E. Nelson 4 hours ago

Dear Jay,

I'm sorry you've been going through those dark days - we all certainly know exactly what you are saying, and although they differ for each family member, the common thread is how they can set us back on our heels and derail any plans we may have in the works, both in the world, and in our struggles to continue forward with our lives.Thankfully you are coming through the other side, and that the sharing here helps from us all makes me feel very grateful. I can say that I don't think I honestly started to see a future for myself after losing Larry until I discovered that I was reaching out to the wonderful people here not only for help, but to help. I wouldn't have believed that I had any purpose or anything to contribute again...then I realized that with the compassion I found here I was caring about other people again, and my focus on my own pain shifted away from myself and to those who were feeling the same pain and loneliness.

Please believe me Jay, you contribute to our collective healing with each time you yourself share, and for that, I thank you.

Have a peaceful day -

Love,

Chuck

Comment by Marsha H 5 hours ago

Hi Mary Jane ...  Woohoo!  You're post came on the board!  Don't think it's you because I've had problems posting as well.  I had to back out of Legacy and go back on and for some strange reason it did post. 

Crying is a good thing when grieving as it actually releases tension.  Believe me, I can still have my cries.  I use to have 'shower cries' when Ernie was still home before his surgery date (which he never had because his pancreatic cancer had gone to his liver) and now I can just cry openly and it's generally in late evening for some strange reason. 

Ernie and I had ever hope he would come home and I would look after him and I was getting things going with nursing care, a hospital bed, etc., but his cancer was so far advanced that he was transferred from hospital to Hospice.  I was there to meet him when he came as he was disorientated.  I was going to sleep over that night, but he insisted I go home which I didn't want to do, but he just kept on insisting and agreed I could come in the morning, stay all day and sleep over-night.  I just had a feeling he wasn't going to make it and I sat up all night.  At 6 AM I got a call from the Hospice he was not doing well and to get there as soon as I could.  I sat for 15 minutes just stunned and couldn't move and I finally snapped out of it and called my girlfriend to drive me as I felt like I was floating in a bad nightmare.  Just as we were leaving the house a 1/2 hour later I got another call he had passed.  When I finally saw him he looked like he was sleeping and I laid beside him talking to him.  I was there for a very long time and my mind kept telling me he was just sleeping.  I don't remember coming home and I didn't want anyone with me and I wandered around the gardens Ernie and I loved so much.  It took a good few months to make me realize that sometimes people chose how they wanted to depart this world and knew Ernie didn't want to put me through it and yet some I know who have passed wanted family around.  Yes, at time I am angered he didn't give me the choice to be there with him when his time came as we always faced our obstacles head-on and were there for each other, but now, I've accepted he wanted to go on his own terms with dignity.

By the way, I live just outside of Vancouver, British Columbia Canada and like many I happened to come across Legacy and thanks to Steve Cain he basically saved my life and I find now I have such a wonderful extended family on here who have gotten me through a lot of pain and kept me going.  Chicago Beard was the first person who answered my first post and what a relief it gave me.  I know you will find wonderful support on here and know that you aren't alone.  Just post what is in your heart because no one judges you and believe me, each one of us has helped another through our postings even though at times we don't realize it.

Big hugs and hope today is a good one for you.

Marsha 

Comment by Marsha H 5 hours ago

Jay ...  I'm so happy to hear you are feeling a little better and when you do feel down and sad know that just the fact of getting up in the morning to face another day takes a great deal of courage.  The heart-wrenching grief will subside to a dull roar in time and our lives do start to take shape.  I believe that many of us here are a little afraid of this new adventure into the future without our beloved spouses and so, we take baby steps to make each day a little better as before.  Even when we had our spouses if we reflect on it each day was not a perfect one and I have found some peace in the fact my spouse is close by and giving me strength. 

It is nice to see you post Jay just to let us know how you are doing because we're all family here and we do worry about each other.

Marsha

Comment by Mary. Jane 6 hours ago

OMG, it worked!!! I have spent an hour and 1/2 trying to get my post to go through, and now I have to go take a shower and feed my baby kitty. I will say, that I woke up crying this morning. That happens about twice a week...I was hoping I would have a dream visit from Bob, but so far that has not happened. Maybe it's because we had a chance to say goodbye. He died at home, under hos[ice care, 4 days after coming home from the hospital. My heart aches for all of you who's loved ones died without you there, or instantly& unexpectedly. hope this posts...

Comment by Mary. Jane 6 hours ago

OMG, it worked!!! I have spent an hour and 1/2 trying to get my post to go through, and now I have to go take a shower and feed my baby kitty. I will say, that I woke up crying this morning. That happens about twice a week...I was hoping I would have a dream visit from Bob, but so far that has not happened. Maybe it's because we had a chance to say goodbye. He died at home, under hos[ice care, 4 days after coming home from the hospital. My heart aches for all of you who's loved ones died without you there, or instantly& unexpectedly. hope this posts...

Comment by Mary. Jane 6 hours ago

Thank you Marsha. and everyone else who has been so kind. I am having a terrible time with this website, none of my posts seem to go through...so please don't  think I am ignoring any of you.

Comment by Sara Murphy 6 hours ago

Marsha....Thank you for posting Mary Jane's post.  I hadn't seen it.

Mary Jane....I'm so sorry for your loss.  I'm glad you finally found us here and I hope your "lurking" helped you feel less alone.  I lost my husband Ken on 1/13/16.  He was 52 years old and we were together just under 30 years.  He had been sick (Not cancer) for several years so when he ended up in the hospital in Dec 2015, we thought he would get better and come home.  Like you, I have all of my husband's possessions and have no intentions of disposing of anything at any time in the near future.  I do feel for you with having to downsize in order to move to your daughter's.  You certainly can't take everything with you.  You'll have to narrow it down to what was truly special or important to him.  I have to say I haven't experienced the whole need to spend money thing that you and a few others here have.   For me it's the opposite......if I can't spend money with Ken then I don't want to spend it at all.

I do hope you continue to post and keep us updated.  Please don't ever feel like you're rambling.  We're here to help each other in a way those who have not experienced this loss could.

Hugs and Prayers,

Sara

 

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