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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

Members: 1311
Latest Conversations: Feb 18

This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

Peace

Discussion Forum

Struggling with reality

Started by Corey. Last reply by Marsha H Feb 14. 4 Replies

Nine days and a whirlwind of emotions.

Started by Tiffany Phillips. Last reply by Sara Murphy Jan 27. 12 Replies

My love.

Started by brenda may. Last reply by Marsha H Jan 12. 10 Replies

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Comment by Harold McKinstry on February 18, 2017 at 8:26am

Tiffany,  

Don't feel bad about being angry, I know I went from feeling Love to anger than shame for being angry. Everyone goes through it, as Deb said your emotions will jump all over the place nothing orderly about grief. My wife Diane had a clotting disorder she had multiple things go wrong after minor surgery. Her heart stopped for 20 minutes one night, I had to make the decision to turn off the ventilator. For the longest time I had a voice in my head that would pop up and say You killed your wife, maybe you should have waited longer. I also wanted someone to blame did the doctors screw up who's fault is this. After a long time I just gave up on that. I realized I made the best decision I could with the information I had and made it out of Love. It really didn't matter where the fault lies it wouldn't change anything she is still gone. When you second guess yourself try telling yourself what I did. It takes a while to accept, It's hard to think clearly about anything when you are in early grief. Give yourself a break when you can and try to realize you did the best you could.   

Comment by Deb S on February 18, 2017 at 5:31am

Tiffany, Thanks for your post. I don't know if it is better to know or not know the cause of death. Like Corey said, I hope it offers you a bit of closure. I chose not to have a post death medical examination. Then, I second guessed that decision for a long time. I came to the conclusion that it is what it is and the cause didn't offer me any more answers.

Please continue to post here. It helps to be able to share with a non-judgmental family your feelings and your deepest thoughts. Being angry is one of the stages of grief. The "what ifs" plagued me for months. "What if" he had gone to the doctor and taken care of the bronchitis? Would this have changed the outcome? After a LOT of time, I no longer ask the "what ifs". These questions tormented me and did not offer a different result.

I think that I am still working out my new reality in my dreams. Last night's dream was another example. I worked with my husband in his firm and quit to stay home a few years before he retired. I dreamed that I was working at the firm and wanted to refine my role. I was looking for the office manager as I felt I needed to stay home to care for DH. The reality hit that he is no longer with me. As always, the shock woke me right away. Anyway, that is my long winded way of saying that grief is a process. Someone along the way pointed out that the process does not proceed in a logical line. You don't go from Denial to Anger to Bargaining to Depression to Acceptance. You bounce around them like a ball in a pinball machine.

Please continue to take care of you now in the best way possible. Take those 15 minute breaks just for you. Post often. We care and want only the best for you.  Debbie

Comment by Marsha H on February 18, 2017 at 5:06am

I wanted to share this truly amazing young singer singing 'The Prayer.'  What amazing talent.

http://www.faithpot.com/marcelito-pomoy-sings-the-prayer/?utm_sourc...

Comment by Sara Murphy on February 17, 2017 at 5:58pm

Tiffany.....We're here for you to vent so no need to apologize.  I can understand why you would be mad.  I hope in time you feel that knowing is better than not.

Hugs to you,

Sara

Comment by Marsha H on February 17, 2017 at 3:30pm

Tiffany ...  It's OK to be mad at your husband and it's normal for grief.  I still can get mad at Ernie for leaving me as he was stubborn as well when going to a doctor and before he went into hospital which was to be Whipple Surgery for his pancreas he became very secretive and he didn't want me to go to doctor's visits and later after his death I found out some of our neighbors knew more of what was going on with him than I did.  It hurt my heart as I'd always been there for him, but sometimes men just never think they'll get anything seriously wrong with them and still get up and go to work.  It leaves us feeling if they shared with us there would have been something we could have done for them like strap them over the roof of the car and drive them to the doctors.  You get as mad as you want and get it out of your system and know it's perfectly normal to feel this way.

 

Comment by Corey on February 17, 2017 at 3:29pm
Aw Tiffany, I'm so sorry. Maybe it will end up being a good thing in terms of closure but now I'm sure it just makes the pain worse, as if that's even possible. I'm glad you shared. Sending hugs
Comment by Tiffany Phillips on February 17, 2017 at 2:42pm

Just got the call today, cause of death was acute bronchitis leading to cardiac arrest.  Knowing hit harder than I thought it would, it didn't make me feel any better.  If anything a bit mad at him for being so stubborn about going to the doctor.  Sorry I just kinda, wanted to share I guess.. 

Comment by Tiffany Phillips on February 17, 2017 at 2:42pm

Just got the call today, cause of death was acute bronchitis leading to cardiac arrest.  Knowing hit harder than I thought it would, it didn't make me feel any better.  If anything a bit mad at him for being so stubborn about going to the doctor.  Sorry I just kinda, wanted to share I guess.. 

Comment by Harold McKinstry on February 17, 2017 at 8:55am

Todd
I too took a small break from posting after the Holidays also. Thank You for the Shout Out for making it through the first Anniversary. It's funny the word Anniversary used to have a positive vibe, now it's a negative vibe to do with Diane's death. Sorry you have to have the same for Claudia's. I guess we all hate this new Reality that has been forced on us. I realized I needed to push myself a little for this year, joined a Gym working with a personal trainer. I feel lot better used to wake up with back aches, not any more. Was able to go to the second notch on my belt instead of the first. That quote you had was excellent even though we hate it, we can't change it and do the best we can.

Comment by Harold McKinstry on February 17, 2017 at 8:36am

Tiffany

Sounds like you did the best you could for Valentines Day. It's such a short time for you since the passing of your Husband, I'm sure everything seems unreal and crazy. I understand what you mean it doesn't feel right.  It's been little over a year for me, it never gets easy or pain free, I guess I have learned to tolerate it somewhat. Sounds like you are doing the right things, keep putting one foot in front of the other and post on here often. 

 

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