Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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Just a reminder to all of you over these next few days. The weather reports all over are talking extreme heat. Those of you out West have even warmer temperatures than here in the Midwest or East. Please keep well hydrated by drinking plenty of water. Hopefully all of you have air in your homes. If not, please find a friend or relative that has air and see if you can go there. Otherwise, find out where the cooling centers in your neighborhood or town are and use them. Please take care not to over exert yourself and check in here.

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The loss of my beloved man.

Started by Janka Huljaková. Last reply by Margit Pearson Mar 21. 6 Replies


Started by Michelle. Last reply by John Rood Feb 13. 35 Replies

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Comment by Marsha H 5 hours ago

Grief is sort of like writing a serious book about something that is passionate to relate to others ....  write what you know and have experienced!  Sometimes, just sometimes we can grab a readers interest and glide them though what our passionate subject is about where they can feel a little of what we do, but they will never truly get it until they go through it themselves.

Comment by Marsha H 5 hours ago

Chicago Beard ... Well said!

We all grieve no matter how old we are when we lose a mate or spouse.  I am now writing a book on Senior grief because Seniors seem to be left out in left field with some in society thinking just because the couple had 40 - 50 years together they were lucky so 'get on with your life!'  Here is my story and I've talked other widows/widowers at 55 plus. I'm 73 years old and thankfully have good genes.  Unfortunately, my husband passed away in 2011 of pancreatic cancer at the age of 65.  We'd known each other 45 years and almost reached our 40th wedding anniversary.  Not in a million years did I think we wouldn't be retired together or grow old together and the shock was profound.  We were very close (friends/lovers) and could finish off each other's sentences.  We were social and well-liked.  When he passed away I never imagine how my world would turn upside down.  First I learned grieving for a beloved spouse is a grief all in itself unlike grieving for parents passing or even relatives to old friends.  Our favorite saying was, 'We can beat anything the world dishes out to us because we have each other.'  After getting over the shock I was in for another shock even though warned by a grief counselor to see long-time friends float right out of my life because I was no longer considered 'a couple.'  I was stunned!  Being retired and my age of course I wasn't working and that made it tough as well as not having children.  I hung in there thanks to this forum and help from my small immediate family and 2 loyal girlfriends not to mention some old-time members off this forum keeping in touch through email and encouraging me when I'm down and out.  It's my saving grace. Being a widowed Senior I also felt my dignity slowing ebb and the once vibrant and out-going independent person I once us to be lowly ebbed away.  I had to pay friends or neighbors to help me (I grew up where a favor done was paid off with a case of beer or a dinner out.)  I do what I can, but the stress of a life full of mostly strangers, making sure I don't get scammed is relentless.  In my 2nd year of grief I took a brave step and had BBQ's and 2 Christmas buffets and only got one invitation to come over to another's home and that was my brother's home.  It left me reeling knowing these people would come here, but  I was never invited to their home.  I took up different programs in hopes of making new friends and each time the programs were over everyone went their different ways. I volunteered which didn't fill in the void at all and then I realized I wanted to feel needed and respected, but it's very hard to retain in a society that has become complacent, fast-passed and manners seem to have gone out the window.  Now it's almost 4 years and I'm very lonely and would love to meet a nice gentleman even if it were on a friendship basis, but here I am faced with the cold hard facts of Internet dating which is foreign to me even though I am computer literate.  So call me old fashion!  I sometimes feel like a ghost walking around even though the vibrant, quick wittedness and good sense of humor is slowly coming back into my life, but I am still puzzled at the 'me generation' and scratch my head.  I want to yell to them, 'I bleed just like you, I hurt just like you, I'm fairly intelligent and still have my marbles and oh yes, in pretty good health which I feel blessed for. Do I still miss my husband, you bet!  I will always love him and every so often have a few tears over his loss because of it all.  This grief certainly never goes away, but just dims to a dull roar.    

Comment by Elizabeth C 7 hours ago
I have been pondering the comments on loss and how we will never get over it, it's true, sometimes it gets worse as we mourn not being able to share our lives with our loved ones. And as we age we realize more and more of what a loss we have had.
Comment by Elizabeth C 7 hours ago
I said to the funeral director who was helping me select a casket and make arrangements, how do you deal with this day after day, and the dead bodies? He said it doesent bother me at all (he is pretty young). He said, I've never known anyone who has died. I thought, wow, lucky you, but it will be a rude awakening someday.
I really appreciate others who have experienced a loss like mine, we get it. I feel less alone that way.
Comment by Chicago Beard 9 hours ago

Thank you Barbara. I could not just let it slide.

Comment by Chicago Beard 9 hours ago

Jane P

I have been working in mental health since 1973 and as a therapist since 1976 and my experience was exactly the same as Joyce Brothers. I did not know what I did not know until I experienced it. It humbled me a great deal, I can tell you that.

Comment by Barbara Sullivan 11 hours ago

I am glad you responded to that article, Chicago Beard.  'They" really can't know what we feel, unless we tell them, or they experience it for themselves.  Bless you!


Comment by Jane P. 13 hours ago

kudos to you Chicago Beard!

 Even Dr. Joyce Brothers once admitted until her husband died she had no clue what grief was all about and had no business counseling others on grief. 

Comment by Rolland Wood 13 hours ago
Yep Chicago...that dude said it like it really is...
Comment by Chicago Beard 15 hours ago

Recently I was in a restaurant and picked up one of their handout newspapers which had a column on seniors. The column addresses grief in a way that bothered so I sent the author an email. Here it is.

"I was in Palm Desert and saw your column in Tidbits for the week of 3/22/2015. Your response to helping a lonely widower was pretty good until the last paragraph. I am a widower and a licensed psychotherapist. Your statement "Remind dad that grief will be over when he chooses to make it so." really bothered me. Grief is not a choice. I lost my wife in 2010 and even though I am now in another loving relationship[ not a day goes by that I still do not grieve over my loving partner of 30 years. To say that grief can be turned off hit me as callous, insensitive flippant and ignorant. Feelings can NOT be turned on and off. Yes the gentleman in question needs to reconnect with the world but there will always be an ache in his heart where his wife used to and still does live."


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