How can we make this Bearable?

I read the suggestion about releasing balloons,Loved the idea of the white roses.How can we take control?At some point we are resposible for our own grief process.After the shock wears off,and the excruciating pain,what can we do for ouselves?We can't rely on others forever.Now what?Any Ideas?

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Permalink Reply by Randolph L. Schrader on June 27, 2010 at 6:15am

kathleen caylor, good luck on taking the bulls by the horn. I,myself, have tried that and it hasnt worked for me because things are just not the same nor will they ever be. I cant seem to make a go of it.
I cant understand the "widower hood" myself. The drop in income and the loneliness and emptyness is really terrible. I dont go anywhere or socialize as life seems useless without your spouse. I am disabled with a bad back and dont have a decent car to travel far. Would like to see some aunts and uncles who are dying but its not possible. I miss my wife sooo bad. After 44 years its hard to want to carry on without her. Hugs to you and to everyone. Hugs are good.

Permalink Reply by judy on June 27, 2010 at 3:47pm

I do full time counseling, mostly grief counseling.

Permalink Reply by kathleen caylor on June 28, 2010 at 6:00am

Judy,Any suggestions?Without getting to specific.I think ,just by being here and sharing has helped tremendously.

Permalink Reply by judy on June 28, 2010 at 8:49am

This is a great site and is extremely helpful. Many people think they are 'going crazy' after a significant loss but they are really 'going normal'. Grief that is overwhelming is hard to cope with and the loss of a mate or a child is overwhelming. Loss of concentration and inability to focus is also normal and it takes a lot longer to get these back than most people think. In fact, it takes a lot longer to heal from grief than most people think. Take time in small pieces instead of trying to leap into the future, set a goal for the day and try to meet it, don't make it too large, reach out to people. I think you are doing all of this. There is more but I am having to follow my own advice. Just because you are a grief counselor doesn't mean you don't grieve and I don't like "widow hood" either. Volunteering is a great thing and helped me enormously after my son died. Give yourself a lot of credit for just getting up and making it through the day. Grief is also very tiring. Keep me up with how you are doing.

kathleen caylor said:

Judy,Any suggestions?Without getting to specific.I think ,just by being here and sharing has helped tremendously.

Permalink Reply by Randolph L. Schrader on June 28, 2010 at 11:50am

Judy, we all share the advice that are given. Some of us can do it, some of us cant. You are right about the grieving wearing us out. I am so tired and so worn out. Its unbelievable. We are heavily scarred and tired. Getting up everyday and being alone is a heavy burden. All these things that we have from our loss is something, I personally, cannot bear. I just go thru the zombie motions. The fact is, whatever we do , reality is we come home to an empty house and have no one to share and enjoy with anymore. I cant remember when I had a good laugh and could really relax. Everyday is a struggle to continue on, especially alone, without your spouse. She was my pal. Hugs to all. Hugs are good.

Permalink Reply by pippa on June 28, 2010 at 6:35pm

....I think the idea of " taking control " is comforting-to feel like we can manage our grief-but , in my experience, I am not finding that this is possible.My grieving process makes it clear to me that I am not in control-and that there is no one that guide my boat through these shoals but me.
Release is a fantastic idea-be it balloons or otherwise-but I think it has to be an organic process, determined only by you and your grief process, and will come at its own time- and with its own rhythm.
I am only five weeks out from losing my Liza and am stunned by the depth of my grief. I have suffered losses before and am familiar with the grief process but to lose my significant other is to sustain a loss and grief unlike I have ever known. It is a tsunami that sweeps over me and knocks me prostrate. I spend days sobbing, particularly Sundays (where the world stops and is the day of the week I lost her.)
To " manage" my grief, I see a therapist twice a week and a personal trainer three times a week, plus avail myself of hospice outreach . I also do a lot of reading about grief and found CS Lewis ( A Grief Examined ) and Joan Didion ( The Year Of Magical Thinking) to be very helpful. Plugging in to all of these things-the physical exercise (and Patron tequila) being the most helpful, there are still days I am completely incapacitated.
Whatever systems we employ, whatever friends we are lucky enough to be able to lean on, we still have to do the work around our grief ourselves. Only we know what we have lost -only we can plumb those depths, come back out the other side
and assess our new landscape, our new selves after our loss.
I am praying for you Kathleen, as I am praying for myself-to survive, even flourish, after our losses, to have the capacity to honor our loved ones every day for the rest of our lives by going on. They live within us now...I know I want to sustain Liza's life by going on to do more with mine.
Bless you. Write me anytime. I am here for you,

Permalink Reply by kathleen caylor on June 28, 2010 at 9:11pm

pippa,what you said is so true.I do forget that all of this is new to so many.I will be going on 10 months on July 13.I lost the love of my life that awful day.And like you every Sunday,I replay it in my head.I am a realist and know I must go on whether I want to or not.So maybe the healing is finally starting for me.I hope you find peace soon,best wishes.

Permalink Reply by judy on June 29, 2010 at 12:20am

Five weeks is a short time but even at five months the pain is like being swept by waves of agony. Sometimes we feel numbed by our pain. You are doing very hard grief work and are dedicated to it, so are almost all the people on this site. It does wear you out as Randolph said. I doubt those who have not experienced deep grief can understand the pain and the missing. You are right, Pippa, it does feel like a tsumani, the pain makes it difficult to focus on anything else. No one will ever replace Tim but I want to be able to give more to my children and grandchildren because they have sustained a loss also. But at the moment I am simply going through the motions and hoping they understand.

pippa said:

....I think the idea of " taking control " is comforting-to feel like we can manage our grief-but , in my experience, I am not finding that this is possible.My grieving process makes it clear to me that I am not in control-and that there is no one that guide my boat through these shoals but me.
Release is a fantastic idea-be it balloons or otherwise-but I think it has to be an organic process, determined only by you and your grief process, and will come at its own time- and with its own rhythm.
I am only five weeks out from losing my Liza and am stunned by the depth of my grief. I have suffered losses before and am familiar with the grief process but to lose my significant other is to sustain a loss and grief unlike I have ever known. It is a tsunami that sweeps over me and knocks me prostrate. I spend days sobbing, particularly Sundays (where the world stops and is the day of the week I lost her.)
To " manage" my grief, I see a therapist twice a week and a personal trainer three times a week, plus avail myself of hospice outreach . I also do a lot of reading about grief and found CS Lewis ( A Grief Examined ) and Joan Didion ( The Year Of Magical Thinking) to be very helpful. Plugging in to all of these things-the physical exercise (and Patron tequila) being the most helpful, there are still days I am completely incapacitated.
Whatever systems we employ, whatever friends we are lucky enough to be able to lean on, we still have to do the work around our grief ourselves. Only we know what we have lost -only we can plumb those depths, come back out the other side
and assess our new landscape, our new selves after our loss.
I am praying for you Kathleen, as I am praying for myself-to survive, even flourish, after our losses, to have the capacity to honor our loved ones every day for the rest of our lives by going on. They live within us now...I know I want to sustain Liza's life by going on to do more with mine.
Bless you. Write me anytime. I am here for you,

Permalink Reply by Basia on June 29, 2010 at 7:27am

I find that nothing really makes it bearable. I get up in the morning, get the kids off to school and go back to bed for a while. Throughout the day, I just do what is necessary for my kids and I can't wait for the night to come. I take a sleeping pill that helps me for the night. That's how it's been for 11 weeks. I can't believe that it has only been 11 weeks and I think about the rest of my life and panic. How am I going to keep on living without him. I am 40 and Terry was 42 and we were going to live happily ever after and now here I am all alone. I don't want to do this by myself and nothing can make this better.

Permalink Reply by kathleen caylor on June 29, 2010 at 8:26am

Basia,I understand the panic.you not only lost your husband but your plans for your future.Plus you have young children to support.I can only speak from my personal experience.First the shock,then numbness,then anger.Then the all consuming,crippling pain.So excruciating!!Like Judy ,who's at the 5th month said"the waves of sadness".Now at 9 1/2 month mark,I'm starting to feel o.k.and feeling a little guilty about it.I'm still sad my husband of 44 yrs.won't be here with me.But i'm am and he's not.That is the fact.I like Judy's suggestion of setting 1 goal a day.Our minds are so messed up and our thinking has been altered.I hope you find some peace,you certainly deserve some.I hope you find some comfort.We will always miss our spouses.