moving on after loss of spouse

I lost my husband of almost 33 years on Valentines Day of 2006. He had lots of medical problems and was on Dialysis for Renal failure for a few years. He had a living will in which he stated that he didn't want kept alive on machines. Even though this was in writing, I still to this day wonder if having him removed from life support was the right thing to do. I still have dreams of him on his death bed and this haunts me every day of my life. I have since remarried and have a very loving husband but this still bothers me to the point that I feel depressed. My first husband and I had our share of problems to say the least but we loved each other inspite of them so this has been so hard for me. I wake up crying some nights and feel like I will never be totally happy. I miss him terribly. What can I do to get past this?

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Permalink Reply by Linda Elbon on July 23, 2010 at 6:51am

Thank you so much Dixie. I know I have sure wished that I had just 5 more minutes to let him know I loved him and to say goodbye. My husband is very supportive and we have talked about this but I still have the dreams of him dying and wish so much I could have done something to save him. I guess God had other plans for him and I have had to accept that but it is still so hard. Everyone has helped me with the comments that they have left here. I wish that I had known of this site earlier like in 2006 when he passed away. I am sure it could have helped so much and maybe I would not be feeling the way I do now. thanks again.

Dixie Olson said:

Linda: My heart goes out to you for the loss of your husband, having to turn off the life support is really hard, my husband and i had to do it for a aunt, whose husband just could not do it I think it was the right thing to do Linda or the hospital would not advised it, and it must be hard to carry this burden around, when we loose a loved one I think we all have regrets, I know ive gone though alot of them, Have you talked to your new husband about it? Maybe just talking about it here and with others will help you, we all go through the would have, could have and should have but to no avail. Its been six years since my husband died, and I replay it like a film of him dying in my arms on my kitchen floor. If only we could have 5 mins more with that person, but life is not fair, and we all share your burden. God Bless

Permalink Reply by Sandralee on July 25, 2010 at 9:49pm

Dear Linda, I was just reading your message. I know what you are going through. My husband passed away on May 4th of this year from lung cancer. The last year of his life was unbelievably hard. Just one long day after another watching him in so much pain and living with the striking changes in his attitude and behavior. Since his death I am consumed with thoughts of "what if" and "if only". I was not there when my husband passed away. It was 1 o'clock in the morning. I had spent the day with him just before. I am eaten up with guilt because I was tired out and went home. He was sleeping and I didn't want to wake him or bother him. Still, I should have stayed. The only thing keeping me sane is the realization that what happened was meant to be. God did not mean for me to be there and I try hard to stay focused on that thought. I find myself crying often and I am deeply depressed. I loved him with all of my heart and like you with your husband---I miss him more than any words can ever say. I find myself walking around talking to him and he is never out of my mind or my heart. Like you, we had more than our fair share of hard times but we always managed to hold on to each other. We had a favorite saying "no matter what" and when things got to the point where they were getting unbearable one of us would remind the other by saying those very words. Now there is "no matter what". Everyday is a hardship and very lonely without him. How I wish that I could go back in time and put my arms around him once more and tell him of my feelings for him. There will never be another. He was my everything. I can't tell you how to get past what you are going through because I am right there with you. You are not alone and I just wanted to convey my thoughts and feelings to you so that you know that.

Permalink Reply by Linda Elbon on July 25, 2010 at 10:19pm

Thank you so much. I am so very sorry for your loss. I know it is so hard to get past the feelings that we are having. They say Time heals all but it has been almost 4 1/2 years for me and it still seems like yesterday that I lost him. And like you I talk to him and tell him that I love him all the time. I miss him so much. But after reading the kind words from others here it has helped me more than I can say.It is like a weight has been lifted. I can't explain it but I feel better than I have felt in years. I will always love and miss him but I need to be a better wife to my new husband than I have been. It isn't fair to him for me to keep living in the past. He understands that I feel this way. After all we were together almost 33 years but there comes a time when you have to move on. I will always have a place in my heart for my first husband that no one can take away. It will take you a long time to get to that place. Your husband hasn't been gone but a short time. Give yourself time to grieve. Please take care and thanks again for writing to me. It means a lot to me

Sandralee said:

Dear Linda, I was just reading your message. I know what you are going through. My husband passed away on May 4th of this year from lung cancer. The last year of his life was unbelievably hard. Just one long day after another watching him in so much pain and living with the striking changes in his attitude and behavior. Since his death I am consumed with thoughts of "what if" and "if only". I was not there when my husband passed away. It was 1 o'clock in the morning. I had spent the day with him just before. I am eaten up with guilt because I was tired out and went home. He was sleeping and I didn't want to wake him or bother him. Still, I should have stayed. The only thing keeping me sane is the realization that what happened was meant to be. God did not mean for me to be there and I try hard to stay focused on that thought. I find myself crying often and I am deeply depressed. I loved him with all of my heart and like you with your husband---I miss him more than any words can ever say. I find myself walking around talking to him and he is never out of my mind or my heart. Like you, we had more than our fair share of hard times but we always managed to hold on to each other. We had a favorite saying "no matter what" and when things got to the point where they were getting unbearable one of us would remind the other by saying those very words. Now there is "no matter what". Everyday is a hardship and very lonely without him. How I wish that I could go back in time and put my arms around him once more and tell him of my feelings for him. There will never be another. He was my everything. I can't tell you how to get past what you are going through because I am right there with you. You are not alone and I just wanted to convey my thoughts and feelings to you so that you know that.