grieving

After 9 months of the loss of my wife, I am NOT coping well without her. Sorry, I did it wrong the first time Irene.

Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Randolph L. Schrader on February 2, 2010 at 9:16am

Charles and Irene, yes the worse part will be all the "firsts" without our loved one.
Charles, yes for the song "One More Day". Have that made into my wifes memorial DVD that my son made for me along with pictures. In my case also, the song song "Honey" by Bobby Goldsboro is VERY true for me. Wow, huh?

Permalink Reply by Ann on February 2, 2010 at 1:45pm

Charles, Irene, Yvonne, Lois, everyone who is always there to listen. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. On the days I feel most alone, it's so good to know that not only God cares but you folks are out there like a soothing balm bringing peace to my aching heart. I never knew I would be able to open up to what I used to consider strangers, but you are no longer strangers but friends as we help each other through some very dark valleys. I hope God will give each of you an extra measure of peace and comfort today. I wish I had been blessed with extra days to care for my beloved Joe but it was not to be. I never had the days, weeks and months of care that goes along with one being sick so long. He, as usual had prepared breakfast that mornig, he always perked my coffee and he didn't even drink coffee, fixed eggs, toast, etc. He didn't live until the evening meal that I always prepared unless we were going out. I miss those special times so much but thank you for letting me vent. I was so very blessed with all those beautiful, wonderful years. As always, prayers!

Permalink Reply by Randolph L. Schrader on February 2, 2010 at 2:58pm

Lois Taitague said:

Today is exactly 6 weeks, to the hour, of Mark's death. Am I only one who counts time now from that anchor point? Probably not. When life gets so overwhelming, this is where I come to read words of hope and encouragement!

In an effort to distract myself, I've been scrubbing the walls to remove all the cigarette smoke stains, and listening to my rational mind telling my emotional mind things it probably needs to hear. It's that rational mind that sometimes posts messages here as if there is no emotion involved. There are times I think I might have a split personality :-)

In an earlier message, Charles, you mentioned making a deal with God, to allow us a little more time together. I wonder if we would make such a deal if we knew we would have to go through the early stages of grief all over again. I would like to go back to a week before his death to do things differently; if I could, he would still be here with me. People would value each other in a special way if they had any idea of what they would feel if they were to suddenly lose that special person to death. When I hear couples now being angry over the dumbest little thing, and being unkind to each other, I feel like screaming at them. I can remember when Mark and I were just friends, thinking how empty the world would be if he were not in it, even if he couldn't be with me, and the tears would flow just thinking about it. As they are now.

Permalink Reply by Randolph L. Schrader on February 2, 2010 at 2:59pm

Lois Taitague said:

Today is exactly 6 weeks, to the hour, of Mark's death. Am I only one who counts time now from that anchor point? Probably not. When life gets so overwhelming, this is where I come to read words of hope and encouragement!

In an effort to distract myself, I've been scrubbing the walls to remove all the cigarette smoke stains, and listening to my rational mind telling my emotional mind things it probably needs to hear. It's that rational mind that sometimes posts messages here as if there is no emotion involved. There are times I think I might have a split personality :-)

In an earlier message, Charles, you mentioned making a deal with God, to allow us a little more time together. I wonder if we would make such a deal if we knew we would have to go through the early stages of grief all over again. I would like to go back to a week before his death to do things differently; if I could, he would still be here with me. People would value each other in a special way if they had any idea of what they would feel if they were to suddenly lose that special person to death. When I hear couples now being angry over the dumbest little thing, and being unkind to each other, I feel like screaming at them. I can remember when Mark and I were just friends, thinking how empty the world would be if he were not in it, even if he couldn't be with me, and the tears would flow just thinking about it. As they are now.

Permalink Reply by Randolph L. Schrader on February 2, 2010 at 3:05pm

To All, I am counting the days since loss of wife. Its been 9 months and 14 days. Its all kept in my head automatically. I too have been scrubbing down walls and woodwork of tobacco stains. The worked has been done for now and the thoughts never stop coming into my brain of my wife. I still think she'll be home at any minute.

Permalink Reply by Yvonne on February 2, 2010 at 6:35pm

Irene
What wonderful gifts you have given to those in need. The gift of sight.
I have never been to any such memorial tribute, but am quite sure you won't be the only one crying there. You should be proud of your unselfish act. It will be a difficult day...don't go alone.
Larry and I are Lions members and near Oakville Ontario there is a memorial forest. When a Lion member passes their club usually pays to have a tree planted there in their memory. The dedication ceremony is in June. I am so sad that I will not be able to attend. I will be at the lodge busier than a house afire at that time.
Just to let everyone know you can donate your old glasses to your local Lions club. The Lions repair these glasses and then they are donated to people in 3rd world countries. An optomitrist then fits and gives these glasses to people who otherwise would have little to no vision. Just a little something we all can do to help others less fortunate.
Take care all Yvonne

Permalink Reply by Charles on February 2, 2010 at 6:37pm

Irene,
What a honor to have that memoral.I would have someone with me Irene that loved Terry also.That is a hill to climb even tho you must climb it.
Talking about time.I was holding Doris and the Doctor quietly said shes gone.I looked at my watch and it was exactly 3pm friday.Now every friday at 3pm I go crazy.We were married 23years 8months and one day.Doris passed away on a FRiday, my birthday was a friday, her birthday was a friday, xmas and new years were on a Friday.Now I hate Fridays.
Life goes on but it is not right now.The way I look at people, the way I feel about things, Everything is just so different.

Permalink Reply by Charles on February 2, 2010 at 7:16pm

Irene,
You are one sweet intelligent lady.You have been a life line for me and so many others in our darkest hours.
You may have saved my life... Thank you.
Charles

Permalink Reply by Randolph L. Schrader on February 2, 2010 at 7:33pm

Irene Parker said:

Randloph, My husband Terry was also an organ donor as am I. They couldn't use any of his organs because of the cancer, but he was able to donate his corneas. I received a letter from the N.C. Eye Bank saying that through his donation 2 people had been given the gift of sight. What a beautiful legacy to leave behind. I haven't really talked about this a lot because this is another hill to climb, so to speak. The one year anniversary of Terry's death is March 22. On March 27 I have to attend a Memorial Tribute by the Eye Bank honoring the 2009 donors. This is going to be one of the hardest things I've had to do since his death, but I will get through it. Has anyone else been to anything like this? I'm not sure what to expect. Irene

Permalink Reply by Randolph L. Schrader on February 2, 2010 at 7:41pm

Hi Irene, I couldnt go to memorial tribute for organ/tissue donors that they had for my wife. But, our best friend who had a double lung transplant in Indy, said that she goes to a "Celebration of Life" every year for the RECIPIENCES' of donations. She said it is the greatest thing ever. All the people who were given a "gift of life" get together and celebrate their gift.
It will be hard,i know, if you go to yours. But I think you would be proud to.

Permalink Reply by Randolph L. Schrader on February 2, 2010 at 7:48pm

Irene Parker said:

Oh Charles, You are so sweet. I can see why Doris loved you so much. I write to you a lot because I can hear your pain in the words you write about Doris. It takes a special man to care for his wife's illness for 13 years. No offense guys, but most men usually aren't care givers. It just seems to be second nature to women because that is how we were raised. Like I said, you and the others who comment on a daily basis have helped me as much as you say I've helped you. I am finding joy in my life again because you take the time to care.

Group hug! Group hug! Irene

Permalink Reply by Randolph L. Schrader on February 2, 2010 at 7:54pm

Hi to all, I am a guy who went thru my wifes 3 heart attacks and 4 seizures and saved her life each time because I was there when they happened at home.
I thank God for that. Alot of people, men and women both, cant or wont take the burden of health issues. I wouldnt be the best caretaker but I would be there for whatever. It does take special people and "great job" to all that do help.