Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by BoLynn on March 4, 2010 at 12:41pm

It took me months before I could do anything in the house. Everything was piled on the bed in the extra room and on the dinning room table. It was a mess! I walked around like a zombie, not caring or thinking. If it wasn't for the care of our little chihuahua or my mentally challenged adult son, I would have been in bed with the covers over my head. I finally started to clean......very slowly at first, room by room. Packing his things to donate per his wish to the homeless veterans home, was so hard to do! 6 large boxes went to a good cause and I'm happy I fulfilled his wish. I have one room to go and that is the storage room. I will be doing that today. Today is trash day and I placed his precious.........but very old, bowling trophies in the trash. They were very large and dust collectors. I took pictures of them and sadly threw them out. He never threw anything out and the storage room is full of things I will never use.

Like you, everyday is empty and lonely. I don't drive, so it makes it worst. I love those days when I get a call from a relative or friend to go shopping, to the movies or have a Starbucks coffee talk. I just re-joined the Y to start my water aerobics again. I stopped when my Bo was diagnosed. I feel at peace in the water, so that's good for me.

What you are feeling is very common. The life as we knew it is gone. We are lost and lonely and we are completely helpless to get the wonderful life back. We just have to do our best to make do with what's left. I wish you well..........Linda.

Permalink Reply by kathleen caylor on March 4, 2010 at 1:02pm

I know this is going to sound stupid,but I have to say it,I just changed my doorknobs!I think this is progress.I stumbled through it,couldn't get the old one off and looked it up on line.Imagine being proud of this!6 months ago This would be so mundane,I would have given it to my husband and forgot about it.But now it is a big deal.I still can't go through his clothes yet.I brought home some boxes,looked in the drawers and closed them.I'm not ready yet.Linda,you're doing so well.I know this month will be tough for you.Maybe someday soon I'll get the strength to package up his clothes.Best wishes everybody!Find some peace soon.

Permalink Reply by Missmylove47 on March 4, 2010 at 7:37pm

Hi Linda,

Exactly...I feel the same way. Yesterday, I did cry a lot....didn't sleep all night, just having a bad day wishing my husband would be here with me. At the beginning, soon after I lost my husband I had no energy at all. I was exausted both mentally and physically, each day was a struggle to even getting up and take care of my daughter, my 5 little poodle dogs and have priorities done. I had to ask God for help......like you I just wanted to be in bed, didn't want be around people. I couldn't even look at food, it made me sick in my stomach. I lost 16 lbs, I was so stressed out. and depressed that I had to see a doctor I have diabetes type 2, which makes things worse.

My daughter is 24 years old, but she looks like 16...she depends on me, so I push myself as much as I can. It is very hard become a single parent without a support of the husband. I feel everything is a big burden over my shoulders.....like sudenly I am all alone, with so many problems to take care without help. My life changed overnight, and I need to back on track starting a new life alone, with my daughter and our puppies. It is so overwhelming, you don't know where to start....life is taking me in different directions, things is not going as I expected, like I am losing control of my life. I don't like that at all.....I like to feel secure and in control of my life....knowing what to expect tomorrow, by making the right decision today. Unfortunately, the destiny and circustances change all that. God is in charge not us! I have faith and waiting for his guidance and help.

Linda, wish we could live in the same town, we would have a lot fun. My daughter and I, enjoy very much go movies, and coffee at Starbucks too. Actually, we used to go for a cup coffee almost every night. I try to keep myself busy, taking care of things, thinking positive my daughter helps me.....she is my angel, and my best friend!
She is a gift from God........I love her so much!

Regarding giving away husband things, I am not ready for that yet. His clothes, shoes, medicines, shaver etc......still the same way he left. Even his roller walker still in the front porch of our home. Every time I came back home I touch it, and say 'Hi honey...I love you' ...I know it sounds crazy!
I can't even visit his graveside yet.......just because I want to be with him so badly. But he is gone....and I have to accept it.....soon or later. My brain knows the truth.....my heart don't want to accept it. As confused and crazy as it sounds.

Time is a great healer, at least we learn to live with what we have left.
God always have plan in our lives.....he tests our faith too!

Linda, I am glad to hear that you are doing something for yourself, by returning to water aerobics again. We all need time for ourselves. Specially, during a grieving process.
How do you feel after giving up your husband things?
You miss them.....any guilt feelings about it?

Take care.....keep up the good work!
God bless<3



Linda said:

It took me months before I could do anything in the house. Everything was piled on the bed in the extra room and on the dinning room table. It was a mess! I walked around like a zombie, not caring or thinking. If it wasn't for the care of our little chihuahua or my mentally challenged adult son, I would have been in bed with the covers over my head. I finally started to clean......very slowly at first, room by room. Packing his things to donate per his wish to the homeless veterans home, was so hard to do! 6 large boxes went to a good cause and I'm happy I fulfilled his wish. I have one room to go and that is the storage room. I will be doing that today. Today is trash day and I placed his precious.........but very old, bowling trophies in the trash. They were very large and dust collectors. I took pictures of them and sadly threw them out. He never threw anything out and the storage room is full of things I will never use.

Like you, everyday is empty and lonely. I don't drive, so it makes it worst. I love those days when I get a call from a relative or friend to go shopping, to the movies or have a Starbucks coffee talk. I just re-joined the Y to start my water aerobics again. I stopped when my Bo was diagnosed. I feel at peace in the water, so that's good for me.

What you are feeling is very common. The life as we knew it is gone. We are lost and lonely and we are completely helpless to get the wonderful life back. We just have to do our best to make do with what's left. I wish you well..........Linda.

Permalink Reply by Missmylove47 on March 4, 2010 at 7:59pm

Lois,

I feel kind lost.....in the middle of nowhere. Don't know where to go, and how to get in there. It is such a empty feeling!
Is terrible to feel that I can't decide my own road to follow, that my life is taking me to different directions, against my wish.
I always have been a strong woman in total control of my life. Now I want to back in the pilot seat again.....but circustances are against me.
I am fighting against obstacles......it is so overwhelming! I just take day, by day to not get sick. I need to be kind with myself. Daughter needs me...I have to find my way.....and have faith in God. He is the one in the pilot seat.....he knows my destination.
Interesting ...how my feelings and thoughts coming out when I write.


Lois Taitague said:

It's really interesting how different people react to catastrophe. My reaction was just the opposite. I packed up his clothes the day after his death. He never threw anything out, and had clothes he wore as a teenager. His winter things went to the homeless shelter in Portland Maine, his ratty, torn things to the animal shelter, and his good clothes to a thrift shop. I always told him jokingly he was going to die and leave me to get rid of it all. Joke's on me! Somehow at the back of my mind all I could see was having to pack up and move, and having no place to keep all this things. I'm glad I did it all during the shock phase, because even though at first I couldn't stop cleaning, I don't think I could do it now, just as most of you are finding it hard to get motivated. What I do now is put three or four jobs on a list to be done the next day, and just get at it! I'm usually able to finish at least three, and if cleaning out one drawer is all I can do, at least that's done.

Permalink Reply by BoLynn on March 4, 2010 at 10:21pm

Missmylove;

Do you mind if I ask what your first name is? I feel like we are soul sisters and I would like to address you with your fist name.

It would be WONDERFUL if we lived close to each other. I long to sit and talk with some one who knows where I am coming from. I know a couple of widows but they have not reached out to me.

Here in Hawaii, the weather is always nice and warm, so we live in shorts and t-shirts. My Bo had sooooooooo many of them. He was always given new t-shirts (very nice ones) for his birthday and Christmas. The shirts were the hardest for me to pack. Every shirt had a memory for me. I packed up his collection of Michael Jordan high top sneakers last. He had a large collection and was always complemented on his shoes. It broke my heart when he could not wear them in the last 6 months of his life because his feet were so swollen. I kept a couple of the shirts that had special meaning for me and my favorite pair of his shoes. I also kept the last shirt he wore. I have his cologne and aftershave. I rub them on my wrist every once in a while to smell him. Yes it was hard letting go of his things, but it was his request to donate them, so I honored his wish. I felt good about that.

You must move in your own time. You will know when you're ready to do what you must. I wish I could give you a real hug, but please know you were hugged across the ocean tonight. Be well and may God Bless.......Linda

Permalink Reply by Chris B on March 4, 2010 at 11:12pm

I made a list (well, a series of lists) of stuff that I wanted to get done around the house, and that's as far as I got with regards to "getting anything done", because I got so depressed looking at it. I made the mistake of making the lists up this past Monday, when Tuesday marked six weeks since I lost my Dan. Tuesdays suck for me, because I keep replaying "that Tuesday" through my head, from waking up, to calling the doctor, to calling the ambulance, to getting to the emergency room, to the doctor telling me that he was gone, to making the phone calls... Tuesdays are hard for me. Adding to it an overwhelming list of "things we talked about doing for months or years and never got around to" (in addition to the things that need to be done because he's gone) was not one of my brighter ideas.

Then I made another list, and I wrote "JUST ONE THING" in big letters across the top, and listed the days of the week down the side. On it is "just one thing" that I want to accomplish on that day, whether it's "finish laundry" or "make the bed in the spare bedroom" or "clean off the master vanity" or "empty the dishwasher". The ability to identify and complete "just one thing" and then cross it off the list is, for me, a defense against depression. Because I can look around and say "I accomplished something today."

There are still lots of big things on my big list that I have no motivation to do. But I might be able to break some of them down and add them to the "just one thing" list, and eventually they'll get done.

Permalink Reply by Missmylove47 on March 7, 2010 at 4:58am

Hi Dear Linda,

No I don't mind.....my first name is Olivia!
How are you?
I feel the same way too.....that we are soul sisters. We have a connection between us. Too bad we live so far way from each other Linda. Wishing we could sit and talk sharing our experiencies. I don't have any widow friends besides here, online. Since husband passed away, I don't go out much as used to. I try to stay home as much as I can till I back to work. But I do go out every day, at least for a cup coffee at Starbucks with my daughter, and do some errands, is good get a fresh air and for depression as well My daughter finished school, she is not working. We spend a lot time together. We always have been very close to each other as mother and daughter. I am so blessed to have her in my life, specially now in this difficult time in my life, she keeps me going.

The weather here in Forida, USA have been so cold this year. I far I remember never been so cold like this, the temperature here is low as 40 to 45 degree. Very unusual for Florida. Our weather here always have been bettween 80 and 85 degree, always nice and warmer. I don't know the reason the temperature is so low in here now.....we have to use heater at our home during the night.

Oh Linda.....I can imagine how beautiful Hawaii must be, I always wanted to visit that Island. I can see photos and pictures of Hawaii, it has such a beautiful beaches and coconut trees....the sand is so white, the ocean so blue...Gorgeous place to visit and live. Have you born in Hawaii? or in in USA?

Lucky you can live away from the big City, I am so tired to live in a big City, specially here in Florida population increases every year. When My husband was alive we had plan to move to the Country, in the future. Now, I don't know what my future gonna be. I take day by day....trying to be kind with myself. I do little every day, read the bible, lately I found in my cable TV one religious chanel, it's name is very similar to my husband's last name...my John had an unusual Italian last name, he was born in NY, in USA. His mother was an american and father Italian-American. Very interesting this religious chanel has almost the same last name as my late husband. I don't know how I can make of it! Is God talking to me? I watch this chanel every day, it comforts me. Linda, I have been crying missing my love so much. Sometimes wishing I could be with him. I know it sounds crazy, but it the way I feel. I ask God to remove those thoughts from my heart, he is gone.....we are separated by life and death. We can't be together anymore, at least not in this life. It hurts I can't touch or see him again, see him watching his favorite football games on TV, while I was cooking dinner. He loved the way I cook. I miss his jokes, we used to tease each other like kids. I miss my big boy.....so much that it hurts my soul! I am sure you can understand that feeling very well. I feel guilt because I have my only daughter who needs me, she is my priority right now, and my strength. But I can't stop feel that my happiness is gone without my husband. All my dreams, goals, plans for the future with my husband is gone forever.Hope one day I can be happy again.....for now, I survive because I have to, God wants me to acomplish more in this life, and be here for my lovely daughter & puppies. I trust, and believe in God. But is not easy live every day with this terrible pain in my heart...this hole....this empty feeling!
Yeah, I am not ready yet to give up his things. We never talked about that when he was alive.
I understand you did the right thing by carry on your husband's wishes. Soon or later I have to do the same.....I just don't know when, my heart will tell me.

My daughter collects T-shirts too, all kinds as you can imagine, Also she likes to wear basketball shoes her favorite player is Wade from Miami Heat Team.

Do you have only a daughter and a son?
Any grandchildren?
I am sending you a big hug too Linda. Everything gonna be okay, my soul sister:)
God is taking care of us....and placing angels allover the world in our path.
Bless you.....take care!
Olivia


Linda said:

Missmylove;

Do you mind if I ask what your first name is? I feel like we are soul sisters and I would like to address you with your fist name.

It would be WONDERFUL if we lived close to each other. I long to sit and talk with some one who knows where I am coming from. I know a couple of widows but they have not reached out to me.

Here in Hawaii, the weather is always nice and warm, so we live in shorts and t-shirts. My Bo had sooooooooo many of them. He was always given new t-shirts (very nice ones) for his birthday and Christmas. The shirts were the hardest for me to pack. Every shirt had a memory for me. I packed up his collection of Michael Jordan high top sneakers last. He had a large collection and was always complemented on his shoes. It broke my heart when he could not wear them in the last 6 months of his life because his feet were so swollen. I kept a couple of the shirts that had special meaning for me and my favorite pair of his shoes. I also kept the last shirt he wore. I have his cologne and aftershave. I rub them on my wrist every once in a while to smell him. Yes it was hard letting go of his things, but it was his request to donate them, so I honored his wish. I felt good about that.

You must move in your own time. You will know when you're ready to do what you must. I wish I could give you a real hug, but please know you were hugged across the ocean tonight. Be well and may God Bless.......Linda

Permalink Reply by BoLynn on March 7, 2010 at 11:20am

Olivia (such a petty name),

I think we are all brothers and sisters of the soul here because we are all feeling the same things and we each know the pain.

Yes, I was born and raised in this once very country, very small, sugar plantation town on the shores of Pearl Harbor. This was a town of immigrants from all over the world that were brought in to work the sugar fields. Most of them from asian countries. I'm 1/2 Filipino and 1/2 Puerto Rican. My Puerto Rican grandfather worked as a mechanic in the sugar mill. Through the years my Dad, my uncles and cousins all worked for the plantation. Sad to say that sugar production is now dead in Hawaii. My Filipino grandfather was a taylor for the immigrants. When Pearl Harbor was bombed, my Mom, who was about 11 or 12 at the time was in the doorway watching the fighters fly over her house. She was shot through her leg. She still has that scar till today. My husband was born closer to the city. He is Hawaiian, Japanese, Filipino. Hawaii is a beautiful place to live and I wouldn't live anywhere else, but it is very expensive to live in Paradise. I've never been to the East coast but from what I've seen, Florida is beautiful also. Very similar to Hawaii in climate and beauty. I have two children from a first marriage which lasted 13 years. My son, 42, is mentally challenged and lives with me. My daughter is 40, married and I have one grandson who is 21 and going to the University of Hawaii. Og course you know I have a 6 year old, long-coat chihuahua named Koapaka (brave). I think I have a picture of him somewhere on this site on the hospital bed with my husband. He was a daddy's boy and is having a hard time missing his dad just like me. Have a wonderful and blessed Sunday, Olivia..............With Warm Aloha, Linda. P.S. Whenever I go to Starbucks, I'll think of you and your daughter.

Permalink Reply by Missmylove47 on March 8, 2010 at 3:51am

Hi Linda,

How you say 'Hi' in Hawaii?
I believe 'Aloha' means welcome? Hope I am right!
I didn't know that Hawaii has such a great history, and had a big sugar production in the past, and your grandfather passed it from generation to generation. It is very sad to hear that the sugar production is now death in Hawaii. I am sorry for what happened to your mother, she was so young when she was shout in her leg, but you are lucky to have you mother Linda. My mother died when I was only 9 years old she had a heart condition. I barely can remember her, I was too little. I came from a small family just had one sister, who passed away as well, back in 1984. Wishing I could have a big family.

You have a good background, 1/2 fillipino and 1/2 Puerto Rico. Great combination exotic. I never have been in Puerto Rico, but I've heard that is such a beautiful place to visit, It has fantastic and historical arquicture....I like to travel and visit different places and learn their history. Unfortunately, when husband was alive we couldn't travel due to his dialysis treatment scheduled to 3 times a week. I was born In Brazil(biggest Country in South America) but I grew up in here, in South Florida USA. I am brazilian and my grandparents were from Portugal(Europe). My grandfather was a big farmer in Portugal. I married 3 times, my daughter is from my first marriage which lasted only 1 1/2 year. I was young only 23 years old.

My second marriage lasted almost 12 years, which a wonderful man he passed away back in December of 1999, due to a lung cancer....like your Bo. Then I re-married back again with my love and soulmate John back in June of 2002. After 2 years dating and engaged.

I became pregnant twice by my John, but I had one ectopic pregnancy and one miscarriage, he had no kids from his previous marriage (he was divorced) after that he had health complications which made him infertile. I guess was not God's wish, us to become parents of a little 'John' this was one of my husband biggest fustration. He wanted so much to give me his child. Wish I could have his baby.....something from my honey. Love is great....but it hurts isn't Linda?

You have a big and great family. Nice to have someone to count on. I have no family in this Country. My late husband John, came from a small family too, he just had one brother who passed away at age 51 from massive heart attack. His mother and father both are deceased as well. They are all buried in the same cemetery. He has just one niece and nephew but they never been close to us, most of his relatives are living in New York. So I am all alone again with my daughter, God and my 5 little poodles(all white like angels) Junior, Simba, Rose, Angel and Baby. They miss my husband a lot too, I am the Mommy, and my husband was the Dad, my daughter is the sister. I noticed that after my John died the puppies were very depressed and didn't want to eat at all. The pets do grief like humans. Till today, 4 months after, they still missing him. The mother of the puppies died after my husband, her name was Candy, she was very close to my husband a dad's little girl, she was very depressed didn't want to eat, got sick and died. I think she missed my husband so much. My daughter had such a hard time losing her favorite Dog & friend. She is getting better now. I feel bad as a mother that my daughter has to go through all this.
I am sending you a picture of Candy...and Junior(mother & son) just look like each other, my husband was next to them.....he was wearing that shirt the time of his death. The one with a red colar is Candy(she died).

How are you doing with your swimming aerobics?

Ok....I went to Starbucks last night with daughter :) we always have a good time going there. Daughter and I, will be thinking about you too, in our next visit to Starbucks Linda!
Take care.......God bless you!




Linda said:

Olivia (such a petty name),

I think we are all brothers and sisters of the soul here because we are all feeling the same things and we each know the pain.

Yes, I was born and raised in this once very country, very small, sugar plantation town on the shores of Pearl Harbor. This was a town of immigrants from all over the world that were brought in to work the sugar fields. Most of them from asian countries. I'm 1/2 Filipino and 1/2 Puerto Rican. My Puerto Rican grandfather worked as a mechanic in the sugar mill. Through the years my Dad, my uncles and cousins all worked for the plantation. Sad to say that sugar production is now dead in Hawaii. My Filipino grandfather was a taylor for the immigrants. When Pearl Harbor was bombed, my Mom, who was about 11 or 12 at the time was in the doorway watching the fighters fly over her house. She was shot through her leg. She still has that scar till today. My husband was born closer to the city. He is Hawaiian, Japanese, Filipino. Hawaii is a beautiful place to live and I wouldn't live anywhere else, but it is very expensive to live in Paradise. I've never been to the East coast but from what I've seen, Florida is beautiful also. Very similar to Hawaii in climate and beauty. I have two children from a first marriage which lasted 13 years. My son, 42, is mentally challenged and lives with me. My daughter is 40, married and I have one grandson who is 21 and going to the University of Hawaii. Og course you know I have a 6 year old, long-coat chihuahua named Koapaka (brave). I think I have a picture of him somewhere on this site on the hospital bed with my husband. He was a daddy's boy and is having a hard time missing his dad just like me. Have a wonderful and blessed Sunday, Olivia..............With Warm Aloha, Linda. P.S. Whenever I go to Starbucks, I'll think of you and your daughter.

Permalink Reply by BoLynn on March 8, 2010 at 11:08am

Hola Olivia! Aloha means hello and goodbye and love as in "I give you my Aloha".

We Are sisters in soul. We share spanish blood. The Portuguese were part of the large groups of immigrants that came over to work our plantations. I have many, many Portuguese friends and relatives. I come from a family of three girls. I am the eldest. We have a big family on my father's side, so I am blessed with lots of family around me. I have an Uncle in California that has leukemia. I got word last night that he is not doing well. So many of my family has had cancer. Such a horrid, horrid curse!

Your little ones are adorable!
Be well my friend....................Linda

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Permalink Reply by Missmylove47 on March 9, 2010 at 3:04am

Linda,

Hola.....in portuguese(Brazil) we say 'Oi' I am not portuguese, I am brazilian. My grandparents from both sides were portugueses from Portugal. In Brazil we do speak porutguese, as people from Portugal the difference is the accent. Example United States and Ingland.

I never have been in Portugal myself, but my grandparents told me that it is such a beautiful Country in Europe, they make excelent wines, and produce delicious olives.

Brazil I left there when I was very little, It is such a beautiful Country, touristic center, people who visit Brazil fall in love with. The City I was born is small Island, with beautiful beaches, high condominums,nice warm weather and a beautiful view. The people in there are so warm, happy, and helpful. I miss my Country but I haven't been there since I came here. I speak to my family by phone or by internet.

You are so lucky to have a family next to you, to count on Linda. I am so sad I have nobody in here, it makes I miss my husband even more.
Sorry to hear tha your Uncle in California, is so sick with leukemia. I will be praying for him. Where in California does he lives?
Linda, let me ask you something....I had a husband who passed away from lung cancer too, back in 1999, after suffering for almost 2 years. How long did your husband had a lung cancer, when it started? I can share with you what I went through with my late husband, and his devastated cancer. Linda besides the recent loss of my John....I am having very serious problems, that I would like to discuss with you, I need someone to talking to....but not here in this discussion, If you like I can give you my e-mail adress.....please let me know if it is ok, with you!

By the way.....Your little boy is so GORGEOUS!!!!!!!
I love little dogs, they are so cute!

With warm aloha, from your Florida friend....take care!
Olivia



Linda said:

Hola Olivia! Aloha means hello and goodbye and love as in "I give you my Aloha".

We Are sisters in soul. We share spanish blood. The Portuguese were part of the large groups of immigrants that came over to work our plantations. I have many, many Portuguese friends and relatives. I come from a family of three girls. I am the eldest. We have a big family on my father's side, so I am blessed with lots of family around me. I have an Uncle in California that has leukemia. I got word last night that he is not doing well. So many of my family has had cancer. Such a horrid, horrid curse!

Your little ones are adorable!
Be well my friend....................Linda

Permalink Reply by Amy Koch on March 9, 2010 at 8:20am

Just allow yourself to take one day at a time, sometimes It might only be one hour at a time. My husband passed away on Fathers Day 2009, I am almost at the 9 month mark. It does get easier, but only over time. Allow yourself to grieve, cry, cry, cry! Be angry if you need to be, do what you have to, and for awhile, don't worry about the things you dont have to do. Eventually, you will start doing the things you once enjoyed.
I still have bad days, weeks, but they are coming further apart and not lasting as long. There are better days ahead. Take a walk, exercise, it will help greatly!
Good luck to you.

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