Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by kathleen caylor on April 16, 2010 at 8:37am

Denise,I lost my husband of 44 yrs.on 9/13/09.And the answer is YES.I'm so tired of being sad,That is just not me.The 7 mo.anniversary was on last Tues.And for some reason it floored me.What worries me is every time I express myself,my daughter becomes So upset,that I wind up consoling her.So it's like I can't let my guard down.You're right about things being a chore,I can't seem to get organized.In the first weeks after he passed I got alot accomplished,but now I procrastinate.I guess it will take time.In the mean time,we just plug along.I wish I knew the answer.Kathy

Permalink Reply by Kim Hawkins on April 16, 2010 at 11:59am

I know how you feel. My husband has been gone 22 months 11 days. I still cry and have so much pain inside. People have gone on with therre life and it is so hard. I have two children my oldest turned 16 yesterday which was so hard without Barry here and my youngest is 6. There are days I would just love to stay in bed but my kids are the reason I get up in the morning. Some days I just have to put on a happy face just to go face the world. Barry was everything to me. We were together for almost 24 years. Peolle were have not gone though a lost od a spouse who helped you do everyday things do not understand. He was the person that made me feel better when things went wrong, he is the one I told everything to. He helped with the kids and so that is all gone now. I miss him everyday and wish he was here. Mu kids miss him to but they don't like to see me cry/ I try not to in front of them but it is so hard. Before Barry passed away they had not seen me cry but maybe a few times so it is hard for them. Barry was the handy man around the house. He could fix anything so we had never had to hire anyone to come into the house. That is so hard too. I wish there was a easy answer to all of this. I ask God everyday fo rthe strength to make it though the day. So far I have mnade it.

Permalink Reply by Yaca Attwood on April 16, 2010 at 3:56pm

Dear Denise,

I am so very sorry to hear of the death of your beloved husband....and you have been through a hard, hard time, and it has not ended. You've dealt with his illness, caretaking, doctors, hospitals, medicine, insurance companies, etc. And you have a child and grandchildren to console, as well.

My husband died on 29 June 2009 - he had liver disease, hepatic encephalopathy, ascites, jaundice, agonizing psoriatic arthritis. For a year and a half before he died, he could no longer walk, and grew increasingly weak and debiliated - I ended up having to bathe, pick him up when he fell, and change him (it is one thing to change a five month old baby, it is quite another to change a 55-year-old man .... the changee is waaaay heavier!). There were times I truly wanted him to die, to end his intense suffering (and mine, as well).

It has been nearly 10 months, and I will have days and maybe a week when I don't cry - but then a song, a smell, a food, a show, something will make me think of him, and then I just lose it and burst into tears - I made a "Memory Box", and I pull out the lock of hair I cut right after he died in our living room (he had been placed in hospice, mostly because I _insisted_ upon it, and the doctor agreed), his baby picture, pictures from his doctoral graduation (he was a Psy.D., a clinical psychologist), wedding pictures (I had known him 18 years, but we were only married for 1 year and 9 months)

You will cry for the rest of your life, at times - because he was your beloved, your friend, your husband - and do not feel bad or apologize for your tears. Be sure to get people to help you, and let yourself be tired - the first three months after my husband died - I did go to work (because he left no insurance or anything), but when I got home, it was all I could do to take a 30-minute walk, crying with each step, and come back, and just "cocoon" - even now, I generally don't go out socially, and I still find it kind of tiring to deal with a lot of people.

If your husband was in hospice, most hospices offer Bereavement Counseling, and if he wasn't, most hospices make it available to those who have lost a loved one - the hospice that cared for my husband (he was in hospice for 4 days before he died) - the Bereavement Counselor comes to my place 1-2 times a month, and it has been _incredibly_ helpful. One of the reasons is that the counselor is, by this time, pretty much the only person who is willing to listen to me talk about my husband - my memories, funny things we did, other stuff, without becoming uncomfortable or trying to change the subject. You _need_ someone to just _listen_ to you talk about your sweetheart - how much he meant to you, how much you miss him - all of your feelings.

Peace, blessing, healing and comfort be upon you - Yaca Attwood Perkins

Permalink Reply by Pamela Thomas on April 16, 2010 at 5:11pm

Denise, I understand what you are going through. I'm very sorry for the loss of your husband. Denise, be gentle on yourself. This is quite a life changing ordeal. Just take it moment by moment. My husband passed 2/7/09 from lymphoma. I'm so tired of the word cancer, hospice, hospitals, doctors, etc. I feel your pain. I was just crying today. Let the tears flow, don't hold back. It's not a easy, but it you need to do the best that you can, and don't beat yourself up. If you're not having a good day then express that to someone. If you need to email me, please email me at trotwood83@yahoo.com we can exchange numbers for support. People need people.

Permalink Reply by gerrid on April 17, 2010 at 5:42pm

My husband of 32 years was diagnosed in July of lung and bone cancer and died in Oct. My grandson also asks when Pa is coming back. It hurts so much to hear him ask that. It was just about a year ago that his back pain started and it's so hard to think just one year ago he was here and thinking he hurt his back doing heavy work. I feel like I'm living in a bad dream and keep waiting for him to come home.

Permalink Reply by re on April 17, 2010 at 6:42pm

Denise I am sorry to hear about the death of your husband and the pain that you are going through. One thing that has helped some people cope with the death of a loved one is by turning to God for comfort. In the Bible God made a promise of what he plans to do in the near future. This is brought out in the Bible book of John 5:28,29 where it states "Do not marvel at this, because the hour is coming in which all those in the memorial tombs will hear his voice and come out..." This verse helps us to see that God does give us hope of seeing our loved ones that has died in the past again. Also God gives us comfort to know what is the condition of those who had died, this is brought out in the Bible book of Ecclesiastes 9:5 where it states "For the living are conscious that they will die; but as for the dead, they are conscious of nothing at all, neither do they anymore have wages, because the remembrance of them has been forgotten." Even though your husband was suffering from cancer and has pasted away, this verse helps you to see that he is no longer suffering. Until that time comes when God brings about a resurrection, God encourages those who are broken at heart to pray to him. This is brought out in the Bible book of Psalms 55:22 where it states "Throw your burden upon Jehovah himself, And he himself will sustain you. Never will he allow the righteous one to totter." Nobody understands the close bond that you had with your husband better than Jehovah God does, that is why he can make that promise that he will sustain you. If you want to learn more of others scriptures in the Bible that can provide comfort and hope for you, feel free to ask any Jehovah Witnesses in your area or you can message me.

Permalink Reply by Dotti on April 17, 2010 at 7:47pm

My name is Dotti
I can so truly relate to everyting everyone has said. Donnie and I were married for 38 years. In all that time I worked along with him but when it came to handling the bills he did it. I never had to pay a utility or anything. After he retired he did all the shopping. He even put gas in my car every week. He was disgnosed with liver cancer and was gone 3 weeks later so I had just one lesson on how to pay the bills. I also am VERY ANGRY. I so want to blame someone for this horrific disease. I miss him and at times feel like whats the use of going on with this life. My Dr. asked me if I thought I was depressed. I told him YA THINK. what a stupid question. I hate stupid questions an he has a degree. Ladies take care hope to hear from you soon. God Bless

Permalink Reply by Denise MacCallum on April 18, 2010 at 6:27am

Dear Kathy,
Thank you so much for writing back to me...It meant a lot...I know that all of us are going through this but it doesn't make it any easier...I never thought that until death due us part would come true for me at this stage of my life....I still can't believe that he is gone...I don't want to grow old alone....Still so sad..I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers...
Denny

kathleen caylor said:

Denise,I lost my husband of 44 yrs.on 9/13/09.And the answer is YES.I'm so tired of being sad,That is just not me.The 7 mo.anniversary was on last Tues.And for some reason it floored me.What worries me is every time I express myself,my daughter becomes So upset,that I wind up consoling her.So it's like I can't let my guard down.You're right about things being a chore,I can't seem to get organized.In the first weeks after he passed I got alot accomplished,but now I procrastinate.I guess it will take time.In the mean time,we just plug along.I wish I knew the answer.Kathy

Permalink Reply by Denise MacCallum on April 18, 2010 at 6:29am

Dear Kim ,
Thank you for writing back to me...I know it must be hard for you as well...I just can't believe that he's gone...I cried last night..The weekends are the hardest...We did so many things together....Nothing is the same...I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers...Again thank you...Denny

Kim Hawkins said:

I know how you feel. My husband has been gone 22 months 11 days. I still cry and have so much pain inside. People have gone on with therre life and it is so hard. I have two children my oldest turned 16 yesterday which was so hard without Barry here and my youngest is 6. There are days I would just love to stay in bed but my kids are the reason I get up in the morning. Some days I just have to put on a happy face just to go face the world. Barry was everything to me. We were together for almost 24 years. Peolle were have not gone though a lost od a spouse who helped you do everyday things do not understand. He was the person that made me feel better when things went wrong, he is the one I told everything to. He helped with the kids and so that is all gone now. I miss him everyday and wish he was here. Mu kids miss him to but they don't like to see me cry/ I try not to in front of them but it is so hard. Before Barry passed away they had not seen me cry but maybe a few times so it is hard for them. Barry was the handy man around the house. He could fix anything so we had never had to hire anyone to come into the house. That is so hard too. I wish there was a easy answer to all of this. I ask God everyday fo rthe strength to make it though the day. So far I have mnade it.

Permalink Reply by Denise MacCallum on April 18, 2010 at 6:32am

Dear Pamela,
Thank you for writing back to me....I understand it must be just as hard for you and your family....I just can't believe that he's gone...My emotions are all over the place..
Still cry want him back don't understand why this happened....I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers...Denny

Pamela Thomas said:

Denise, I understand what you are going through. I'm very sorry for the loss of your husband. Denise, be gentle on yourself. This is quite a life changing ordeal. Just take it moment by moment. My husband passed 2/7/09 from lymphoma. I'm so tired of the word cancer, hospice, hospitals, doctors, etc. I feel your pain. I was just crying today. Let the tears flow, don't hold back. It's not a easy, but it you need to do the best that you can, and don't beat yourself up. If you're not having a good day then express that to someone. If you need to email me, please email me at trotwood83@yahoo.com we can exchange numbers for support. People need people.

Permalink Reply by Denise MacCallum on April 18, 2010 at 6:35am

Dear Dotti,
I can relate to you...I love when people ask so how are you doing...How am I suppose to be doing....If I say okay they tell me that I have cats and grandchildren so I should be happy...I lost the love of my life...how am I suppose to be happy.....They just don't understand how could they everything is the same in their life...I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers...Denny

Dotti said:

My name is Dotti
I can so truly relate to everyting everyone has said. Donnie and I were married for 38 years. In all that time I worked along with him but when it came to handling the bills he did it. I never had to pay a utility or anything. After he retired he did all the shopping. He even put gas in my car every week. He was disgnosed with liver cancer and was gone 3 weeks later so I had just one lesson on how to pay the bills. I also am VERY ANGRY. I so want to blame someone for this horrific disease. I miss him and at times feel like whats the use of going on with this life. My Dr. asked me if I thought I was depressed. I told him YA THINK. what a stupid question. I hate stupid questions an he has a degree. Ladies take care hope to hear from you soon. God Bless

Permalink Reply by Denise MacCallum on April 18, 2010 at 6:38am

Dear gerrid,
I can so relate to you....I want Robbie back so much...I still can't dream about him and when I do it's always when he was sick...I can't remember when he was well...The cancer robbed him of his life so quickly...We never got a chance to talk about it...He was so sick....To me cancer sucks and always will....I hate it so much....Nothing is the same....I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers...Denny

gerrid said:

My husband of 32 years was diagnosed in July of lung and bone cancer and died in Oct. My grandson also asks when Pa is coming back. It hurts so much to hear him ask that. It was just about a year ago that his back pain started and it's so hard to think just one year ago he was here and thinking he hurt his back doing heavy work. I feel like I'm living in a bad dream and keep waiting for him to come home.

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