Is it normal to want to JOIN them?

I hurt so much that there are times when I (think) about joining him but I don't believe I would ever really do it because I could not do that to my family. That is the ONLY reason. I have 3 wonderful children and 8 wonderful grandchildren. They all depend on ME. My parents are 80 and 82 and dad's health has been blah at best. He has been in the hospital 4x since Harry passed in December. Mom is starting to forget. I have lost 2 brothers and I know how devastated my parents were and still are so I would not put that burden on them. I have a sister and a brother and it is me and my sister who does it all for Mom and Dad. She works and I am laid off at the moment so I do most of the running to take Mom and Dad to appts. etc. BUT is it "normal" to think about joining them? My doctor was a little worried when she read an article I put in the newspaper on the first month aniiversary of his death. She put me on antidepressants. I don't like it but I don't want her constantly checking on me. She did call me a couple times and she even gave me her personal phone number. I PROMISE I won't do that even though I think about it. I'm not a selfish person and I think that is selfish.

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Permalink Reply by Hurting on April 25, 2010 at 12:32pm

Peg I feel exactly the same way. My husband passed away on Dec 23, 2009 of a silent attack. He didn't suffer at all but he didn't get to say any of his good bye's either. We had been married for 29 years and have 3 children. For 3 months I couldn't even handle talking to anybody outside, for my kids I behaved normal and we all talked about him. My oldest son still has nightmares of my dying every night. I always assure them that I am not going to leave them willingly till my youngest one who is 15 years old passes university. I think the reason we can't think of living alone is because we spent more then half our life with somebody who is attuned to your needs and feelings and now there is that huge void. There is no way of physical contact, no cell phone, emails, or mailing address. For me I miss him in morning when I make my tea and can't share with him. What I do is make his tea and put in front of his photograph. I still have access to email id stuff like that so send him emails etc. I refused to go on antidepressants because that's just me I had to find my solace in his stuff and my kids. I will keep you in my prayers from now take care.

Permalink Reply by Chris B on April 25, 2010 at 1:14pm

My husband died suddenly on January 19, 2010. In February I went through a short period that I was seriously considering suicide, and learned a lot from it (mainly that "staying in bed all weekend is a bad idea for me"). The main reason I didn't follow through on the desire was that I didn't want to do that to my mother - she loved my husband like her own son, and losing me so soon afer him would have been horrible on her.

What I have settled into now is more of an apathy. I'm not actively seeking my own death, but I'm not afraid of it, either. If something happens, I don't care. For example, last year I wouldn't have wanted to ride the Stratsophere roller coaster in Las Vegas (the one that's on top of the building, some 850 feet above the ground) because of the "small but real" chance that something would happen. Now I would ride it, because if something did happen, I wouldn't care if I died.

It's a very weird state of mind. I would imagine that at some point I will eventually move past it. I'm trying not to dwell on it, because if I think too deeply on it, the depression gets worse.

Permalink Reply by Peg Otley on April 25, 2010 at 1:46pm

Chris B said:

My husband died suddenly on January 19, 2010. In February I went through a short period that I was seriously considering suicide, and learned a lot from it (mainly that "staying in bed all weekend is a bad idea for me"). The main reason I didn't follow through on the desire was that I didn't want to do that to my mother - she loved my husband like her own son, and losing me so soon afer him would have been horrible on her.

What I have settled into now is more of an apathy. I'm not actively seeking my own death, but I'm not afraid of it, either. If something happens, I don't care. For example, last year I wouldn't have wanted to ride the Stratsophere roller coaster in Las Vegas (the one that's on top of the building, some 850 feet above the ground) because of the "small but real" chance that something would happen. Now I would ride it, because if something did happen, I wouldn't care if I died.

It's a very weird state of mind. I would imagine that at some point I will eventually move past it. I'm trying not to dwell on it, because if I think too deeply on it, the depression gets worse.

Permalink Reply by Peg Otley on April 25, 2010 at 1:57pm

Thank you for your response. Although I wouldn't EVER want ANYONE to feel the way I do, it is comforting to know that I am feeling what others feel. I was worrying myself. I feel the same way about no fear of dying. I welcome it whenever the time is here. Being Catholic, I would not commit suicide but I know there are times when I think...God is all forgiving. He will forgive me. Then I go back to the family that I love with all I have and I can't do that to them. You are stronger than I am because I can't even be strong for my kids and grandchildren. I TRY but I can't. I agree about the dwelling on it but when you are sitting all alone looking around the room and see his pictures everywhere, you can't hlep but dwell. I have a corner curio cabinet and Harry's ashes are on the middle shelf in the back with his military flag (in a shadowbox) in front of it. I thought I would be taking them out and holding them but I have refrained from doing that because I believe that until we are together in our final urn with our ashes mixed together and buried, He should be respected and kept in one place. I thank God for my children as I certain you are also grateful. What would we do without them. Life would NOT be worth hanging on to. Thanks agian and I will Pray that all of us can help each other get through this awful experience.
Peggy

Permalink Reply by Peg Otley on April 25, 2010 at 2:00pm

Hurting said:

Peg I feel exactly the same way. My husband passed away on Dec 23, 2009 of a silent attack. He didn't suffer at all but he didn't get to say any of his good bye's either. We had been married for 29 years and have 3 children. For 3 months I couldn't even handle talking to anybody outside, for my kids I behaved normal and we all talked about him. My oldest son still has nightmares of my dying every night. I always assure them that I am not going to leave them willingly till my youngest one who is 15 years old passes university. I think the reason we can't think of living alone is because we spent more then half our life with somebody who is attuned to your needs and feelings and now there is that huge void. There is no way of physical contact, no cell phone, emails, or mailing address. For me I miss him in morning when I make my tea and can't share with him. What I do is make his tea and put in front of his photograph. I still have access to email id stuff like that so send him emails etc. I refused to go on antidepressants because that's just me I had to find my solace in his stuff and my kids. I will keep you in my prayers from now take care.

Permalink Reply by Peg Otley on April 25, 2010 at 2:00pm

Peg Otley said:

Hurting said:
Peg I feel exactly the same way. My husband passed away on Dec 23, 2009 of a silent attack. He didn't suffer at all but he didn't get to say any of his good bye's either. We had been married for 29 years and have 3 children. For 3 months I couldn't even handle talking to anybody outside, for my kids I behaved normal and we all talked about him. My oldest son still has nightmares of my dying every night. I always assure them that I am not going to leave them willingly till my youngest one who is 15 years old passes university. I think the reason we can't think of living alone is because we spent more then half our life with somebody who is attuned to your needs and feelings and now there is that huge void. There is no way of physical contact, no cell phone, emails, or mailing address. For me I miss him in morning when I make my tea and can't share with him. What I do is make his tea and put in front of his photograph. I still have access to email id stuff like that so send him emails etc. I refused to go on antidepressants because that's just me I had to find my solace in his stuff and my kids. I will keep you in my prayers from now take care.

Permalink Reply by Peg Otley on April 25, 2010 at 2:01pm

Peg Otley said:

Peg Otley said:
Hurting said:
Peg I feel exactly the same way. My husband passed away on Dec 23, 2009 of a silent attack. He didn't suffer at all but he didn't get to say any of his good bye's either. We had been married for 29 years and have 3 children. For 3 months I couldn't even handle talking to anybody outside, for my kids I behaved normal and we all talked about him. My oldest son still has nightmares of my dying every night. I always assure them that I am not going to leave them willingly till my youngest one who is 15 years old passes university. I think the reason we can't think of living alone is because we spent more then half our life with somebody who is attuned to your needs and feelings and now there is that huge void. There is no way of physical contact, no cell phone, emails, or mailing address. For me I miss him in morning when I make my tea and can't share with him. What I do is make his tea and put in front of his photograph. I still have access to email id stuff like that so send him emails etc. I refused to go on antidepressants because that's just me I had to find my solace in his stuff and my kids. I will keep you in my prayers from now take care.

Permalink Reply by Peg Otley on April 25, 2010 at 2:16pm

Isn't it just amazing that when you feel like YOU are the only one in the world who is feeling like this and then you get on sites like this and you are NOT alone. Like I told Chris, I wouldn't wish this on anyone but the fact is that we are all experiencing it already, only WE truly know the feeling. I'm sure that even OUR feelings are somewhat different as we all lived different lives with our spouses. I am just relieved to know that it is somewhat "normal" to feel like I want to just go and be with him. If you mention that to friends family or doctors, they all go berserk wondering if you WILL do it. It doesn't matter how much you assure them that you wouldn't do that to them, they still worry. They just have NO CLUE. I have a picture of Harry as my screensaver on my cell phone. He is in a hospital bed but dressed to go home and he is waving. He looks good..not sick. I treasure that picture. I kiss him good morning and I kiss him goodnight and I'm not embarrassed to say so. My index finger fits in the palm of his hand where he is waving and I feel like I connect in some small way. He's looking directly at me with a smile on his face. I took the phone for servicing and they told me I would lose my photos on there. I said NO WAY. I'm not good on the internet stuff but I have to download that picture to my computer to save it. My kids will have to do it. The problem I'm having is forwarding and receiving pics on my phone so I can't even send it to someone else.
So you have your tea and I have my morning and evening kiss and touch. If I'm being weird about it the so be it. It works for me. FOR NOW.
Everyone here are in my prayers. Somehow we can get through this.

Permalink Reply by Connie on April 25, 2010 at 2:37pm

Peg, I don't know if it is "normal" but I know that I will be happy when I am with my husband again. I have even thought about buying a pack of cigarettes. I guess that is an easy way to hasten things along. I haven't smoked in many years. I actually went to the pharmacy today with the intention of buying them. I came out without them. I will do nothing to bring it about but I now have no fear of dying. I have three beautiful daughters and five gorgeous grandchildren and two great sons-in-law. Although they would be devastated at first, they would recover just like I did when I lost my parents. When you have a family at home to take care of you can recover more quickly. This is so different because now I am alone. My "rock" that I leaned on is not here any longer. I visit him at the cemetery every day and sometimes more than once a day. I don't know if tht is normal but it does make me feel a little better when I am there but not so good when I leave. I am on anti-depressants and sleeping pills and I know the sleeping pills don't work all the time and I am not sure about the anti-depressants.

Don't consider doing anyting foolish. There are people that still need you very much. You need to think of them too.

Permalink Reply by Connie on April 25, 2010 at 2:42pm

Peg, Can I ask where you got the Flag box with the space for the ashes. I have a very close friend who lost her husband 11 years ago and she has his ashes at home and said that someone had told her about that kind of Flag holder. I would like to get it for her but I have no idea where to get it. Thanks for your help. God Bless You.

Permalink Reply by Janet Farthing on April 25, 2010 at 3:07pm

It's now been 26 days. It is such terrible pain. I miss him so much. I want to be with him but I have to stay here. I also have no fear of dying and welcome it. My children keep me grounded. I have a daughter17 and son4 at home with me. Everyone says be strong. Be there for them. Okay I get that but I'm drowning in pain. My daughter takes my son out to the park or the book store everyday. I prefer this so I can be alone to cry and talk to him. I keep hoping to hear his voice. I know it is selfish of me. I'm not good for them right now. I don't want to feel this way. I want to be strong and overcome this and be their mother again. I want him back. I hate cancer.

Permalink Reply by Randolph L. Schrader on April 25, 2010 at 3:30pm

Chris B said:

My husband died suddenly on January 19, 2010. In February I went through a short period that I was seriously considering suicide, and learned a lot from it (mainly that "staying in bed all weekend is a bad idea for me"). The main reason I didn't follow through on the desire was that I didn't want to do that to my mother - she loved my husband like her own son, and losing me so soon afer him would have been horrible on her.

What I have settled into now is more of an apathy. I'm not actively seeking my own death, but I'm not afraid of it, either. If something happens, I don't care. For example, last year I wouldn't have wanted to ride the Stratsophere roller coaster in Las Vegas (the one that's on top of the building, some 850 feet above the ground) because of the "small but real" chance that something would happen. Now I would ride it, because if something did happen, I wouldn't care if I died.

It's a very weird state of mind. I would imagine that at some point I will eventually move past it. I'm trying not to dwell on it, because if I think too deeply on it, the depression gets worse.