What was i thinking?

This week has been a living hell.After losing John 4 months ago, I have to say,I thought I was doing pretty good-considering.I was laid off last Tues so to now lose my work family and the only diversion I had is almost mind shattering.After thinking about it-I thought this might be a GOOD thing,I haven`t stopped since Jan.and my body has taken a pretty bad toll.Today i decided i would go to ourJohn and mines favorite place in the whole world.A place you could people watch,have a beautiful view of Tampa Bay,have lunch and just relax.Sounds great right?WRONG!Every single thing,from looking at the water,to thinking about him fishing and raving about all the bait fish,to just trying to act like it was ok to be there alone felt sooo wrong.Thank God for sunglasses!I literally willed muself to sit there and try to pretend to be interested in my hamburger but the pain just took over and I had to leave.By the time I got to my car,I completely broke down.When it has just been 2 people for many years,both the center of each others universe,and suddenly one is gone, how does the survivor manage alone?I hate to say it,but i think it might be many years before I recover from this,if ever.How does a person rebuild a life that was great the way it was?I know I`m probably feeling a little paranoid but at 47 I was enjoying the quiet,just the 2 of us like of lifestyle.So the thought of being alone or having to rebuild a life without my husband seems so totally absurd at this point.The greatest place in the world to us has now turned into a place of deep despair.

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Permalink Reply by lindarunion on May 29, 2010 at 6:04pm

iunderstand how you feel ifeelthe same way itsbeenjust over three weeks since ilost my red if you getitfiguredout let meknow linda runion

Permalink Reply by Virginia on May 29, 2010 at 6:11pm

Tracie,I'm sorry for your loss but what you have said on here is the same way for me i posted my feelings on the reg. board this morning . there is no where i can go that we haven't been together . we were together 32 yrs. and i'm so lost part of you go with them today was 13 months i ask my husband and god to just get me through the moment. virginia

Permalink Reply by Suzanne on May 29, 2010 at 6:33pm

Dear Tracie,
I'm so sorry you are having a difficult time. I believe I feel exactly what you are feeling. It has just been 4 months and 2 weeks for me. I have to just speak for myself when I say I wouldn't even venture out to go to special places that my husband and I went together. I have plenty of memories right here where he and I lived together for the last 29 years and the emotional pain is still lingering and always will, no doubt. But, I avoid feeling any more pain than I can tolerate so I decided not to even go to the Beach, or anywhere for that matter because I know Danny is not going to be physically with me. It is just too unbearable. I know the feeling of despair. I have decided that if someone invites me to a family get-together I will go in order to see our loved ones, Dan's family and my family, because I can't get there on my own because I don't have my own transportation. But to actually be in places we went to before he passed I just can't/won't/don't want to go through the pain. That's just me, so I'm not judging or advising, just letting you know I really do understand and I have to give myself boundaries. I hope you have better days, if not you know you are always in my thoughts and prayers and you can always come here. May you have peace.
God bless,
Suzanne

Permalink Reply by Victoria (Vicky) Owensby on May 29, 2010 at 6:48pm

Tracie,
I'm so sorry for your loss. My husband died about a month ago now and i constantly have to remind myself that my two children may not be able to get over loosing both parents at once or I may not bother anymore living with this pain and emptyness. I too lost my job a week before my husbands death and he had no life insurance because he had found out he had Hep.C before trying. We were together for 30 years and he was my reason for living. Actually you were quite bold to go somewhere where you would go together. I am no where near ready if ever to do that. If I go out at all it has to be places that I know he hated to go to. I have not gone through a day without a complete breakdown of crying several times. You are very strong. You can do it.

Permalink Reply by Connie H. on May 29, 2010 at 6:53pm

Everyday, everything, every place, but Saturdays,(if it is possible to be even more intense than any other day,) are the worst. He left Saturday, Sept.5,2009. My love, My life, My buddy, My everything for close to 40 years. I have learned over these months that my tear ducts work very well.
There is an ocean called Phill, now, filled with my tears and love.
Many rivers flow from it, filled with the tears of all those who also knew and loved him.
The only thing I am thinking of, as I type this is a song I heard not long after he left. SAVE A PLACE FOR ME. Hugs to all of us.

Permalink Reply by Connie on May 29, 2010 at 7:31pm

Tracie, I am so sorry for your loss. It is almost 7 months since I lost my husband and I totally understand how you are feeling. I cannot bring myself to do many of the things we used to do, or go to the places we used to go. I hope that my children understand that there are some things that I am not ready for yet. I have my husband on my mind 24/7. Everything I touch, everything I see, everything I do, is a constant reminder. I go to visit him at the cemetery and I talk to him but I get angry with him for being there and for me having to leave. There is no easy answer for any of us. We all need to heal in our own way and in our own time. I don't think that any of us will feel healed any time soon. Together we can all work through this the best that we can. I would like to tell you to be strong but I know that I cannot do it and wouldn't expect that you can do it either. Tracie, do the best that you can for now and just know that one day you will be together again. May God Bless You.

Permalink Reply by judy on May 30, 2010 at 12:44am

I so completely agree with all of you. When you have been married for 47 years and than suddenly the other person is gone there is no place including your own home that does not resound with memories. The memories are happy but all I can feel right now is the pain of Tim not being here. Have celebrated one daughter's birthday,two grandchildren's birthdays, Easter, Valentines Day and Mother's Day in the past four months since his death. I try to get through without making everyone unhappy because they all miss him too. But it is very hard.

Connie said:

Tracie, I am so sorry for your loss. It is almost 7 months since I lost my husband and I totally understand how you are feeling. I cannot bring myself to do many of the things we used to do, or go to the places we used to go. I hope that my children understand that there are some things that I am not ready for yet. I have my husband on my mind 24/7. Everything I touch, everything I see, everything I do, is a constant reminder. I go to visit him at the cemetery and I talk to him but I get angry with him for being there and for me having to leave. There is no easy answer for any of us. We all need to heal in our own way and in our own time. I don't think that any of us will feel healed any time soon. Together we can all work through this the best that we can. I would like to tell you to be strong but I know that I cannot do it and wouldn't expect that you can do it either. Tracie, do the best that you can for now and just know that one day you will be together again. May God Bless You.

Permalink Reply by kathleen caylor on May 30, 2010 at 6:46am

Tom,Be careful.It's not a good idea to mix the pills.Try the anxiety pill if you have to.But only as prescribed.I know we're old hippies here but time has affected how we respond to them.Doesn't seem fun anymore!Plus if you are on other meds it might affect that also.

Permalink Reply by Connie on May 30, 2010 at 9:20am

Tom, Please don't do anything foolish. You know Loni would not want that for you. Please be careful taking any of Loni's meds. It can be dangerous. I understand how you feel because there are times that I feel that way too. I wait for the day when I can be reunited with my husband but I would not have the courage to end my life. Maybe it would be good for you to get out and visit with friends or family. Tom, out of all on this site, I have always read your posts and felt that you were the most upbeat of us all. You need to find that positive attitude again. Be strong, we will get through this.

Permalink Reply by Yvonne on May 30, 2010 at 9:25am

Tom I am so sorry you are having a bad day. I am not doing so great myself either. Today is 42 weeks since my Larry passed away. I woke this morning at exactly the time he passed, and am reliving that awful day. I don't like Sundays anymore. Even though I am surrounded by people all the time I am still so alone. The staff went fishing the other evening and wanted me to go with them...I just couldn't. I can't go fishing without my buddy. I am listening to the CD that was played at his funeral and crying my eyes out. Hoping for better days.
Hugs Yvonne

Permalink Reply by Cindy McGregor on May 31, 2010 at 11:49am

Tracie ,I know what you mean ! I went to a place Rick and I fished and as I was walking back to the little pond I broke down.Asking God how am I going to go on?I got no answer.So I just keep on breathing.I will pray for you .I am sorry you lost your husband.I lost Rick in Jan too!Please write me anytime .Friend in sorrow Cindy.

Permalink Reply by Basia on May 31, 2010 at 12:14pm

I hear ya girl, my sentiments exactly. I went to our favourite place a couple of weeks ago. Bad idea! Nothing will ever be right again. Just as everything was falling into place for us and we were happy, content and thankful, everything imploded . And now? whats the point. I reek of sadness and despair.