Today is 15 months since Larry passed away suddenly from a heart attack.I have been doing fairly well for the last few weeks and thought (how dumb am I ) that I was getting better and coming to accept losing him.  Well, today isn't such a great day.  I have sat here at the computer all day and have been crying my eyes out.  I don't want to do anything and have wasted the whole day.  The pain is as deep today as it was the day he passed.  I feel so lost and alone.  I am not looking forward to the long winter.  I am dreading Christmas, Larry loved Christmas especially decorating the house.  He always said, "Honey you are putting way too much work into this", but he was always the first one to go look at what was new for decorations.  It would take me 3 days to decorate the house.  This year I am only planning on putting up the tree and that is only for the grandkids.  My heart isn't in it.
Today I only want to pull the blankets over my head and stay there but I won't allow myself to do it.  I have to keep trying even though it hurts so much.  I hate my life, so lonely and alone.  I can only hope for a better day tomorrow.
Thank you for listening.  Take care everyone and may we all find some peace.  HUGS

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Replies to This Discussion

Hi Yvonne, I lost my husband to a sudden heart attack as well. There's something about sudden loss; literally they were here one minute and gone the next. I feel your pain; my husband died July 10 2010. I just want the holidays to be DONE. Like your husband, mine loved them as well. Putting lights outside, putting the lights on the tree were his thing. He wouldn't let me take the tree down until after New Year's Day. Our oldest daughter's birthday falls on Thanksgiving this year so I am going to shelve my feelings (if that's possible) to celebrate her day. Maybe that will be a distraction. Like you, if I didn't have my daughters still at home, I wouldn't bother with the holidays.
Hang in there and know you aren't alone!
Yvonne, I can surely feel your pain. It was one year ago today that I lost the only man that I ever loved in this world. It is no better today than it was last year. I dread the holidays coming. I dread getting up each morning. I am trying to go on for the children and grandchildren but I really don't care to go on without him. I spent most of the day with my children and grandchildren but they all have responsibilities and I don't want to be one of them. I am now home alone with my little dog and if it wasn't for her I would be absolutely out of my mind. I feel like I am reliving that day all over again. I know that somehow, and someway we will all get through this horrible time in our lives but it certainly is not easy to get up each morning knowing you are facing the world alone again! I will remember you in my prayers.
Thank you Marianne and Connie.
Connie, I remember the first anniversary of Larry's passing. It was a horrible day reliving it all over again. Thank goodness for family and friends otherwise I don;t think I would have made it this far. I am sending big hugs your way. I know how you are feeling today. Take care and I will keep you in my prayers as well.
Marianne, It is really tough trying to carry on with family traditions etc. without that one very special person missing. I didn;t know it was possible to miss someone so much.
Take care all and together we will all make it through.
Hugs to all.
Yvonne, I'm sorry your having a bad day. The holidays are a very hard time to get thru. We will get each other thru them. The lonelyness is the hardest thing to cope with. I recently went to see a dear friend and comming back to the reality of being alone is very hard. We all must hope for better days ahead. hugs
Yvonne, I know exactly how you feel, I was there only 4 days ago and it was terrible. I had to work and hold everything inside until I went home. I'm still not feeling that great, I don't know why it hit me so hard this month but it did. I thought about you today and prayed that you would get through the day "OK". I'm sending lots of love and hugs your way and please know that I care. As for the holdays, I don't want them to come, but as we know, they will and even though our hearts won't be in it, we will survive. Brad & Larry sound so much alike so I know how you feel. Take care and if you need to talk, call me. I'm uploading a file I'd like you and the others to read. It's rather lengthy so I hope it all uploads. Love you!
Barb
Attachments:
Hi to all, yes the holidays coming up are not helping our lonliness. For always coming back to reality is the pain. LouAnn died suddenly of a heart attack also. I heard her die and saw her dead during a nap, that is my flashback for all times.Hang in there everyone and cling to what you may have,via friends or family. Hugs to all. Hugs are good.
Yvonne, I'm sorry your having such a bad time right now. I know what you mean, sometimes just when you think we are doing OK it happens one more time. Now it just feels like someone punched you and your in a daze. What a strange yucky feeling.
Yvonne, First and foremost HUGS. I feel your pain and share it more intensely as the holidays are approaching. I Don't have any family here. Doug's parents are here but have distanced themselves since he died. My parents are deceased and I sadly wasn't blessed with children. Doug and I always celebrated the holidays and decorated and did so much for others. We had a great time with friends and his former coworkers. Now, I want to run from the holidays and hide in a dark tunnel. YOU are not alone, my loss is still new, less than 6 weeks and I hate my life too. Lonely, alone, gloomy but I am learning with the help of folks that have gone through it we can keep going one moment at a time. Sharing is so helpful and I am glad you shared. Thank you. Serenity and Peace to you. HUGS again.
Yvonne, First and foremost HUGS. I feel your pain and share it more intensely as the holidays are approaching. I Don't have any family here. Doug's parents are here but have distanced themselves since he died. My parents are deceased and I sadly wasn't blessed with children. Doug and I always celebrated the holidays and decorated and did so much for others. We had a great time with friends and his former coworkers. Now, I want to run from the holidays and hide in a dark tunnel. YOU are not alone, my loss is still new, less than 6 weeks and I hate my life too. Lonely, alone, gloomy but I am learning with the help of folks that have gone through it we can keep going one moment at a time. Sharing is so helpful and I am glad you shared. Thank you. Serenity and Peace to you. HUGS again.
Thank you everyone for caring and sharing. We all know the deep feelings of loneliness and sadness. We all hope for better days ahead and I pray that we will find some peace.
Barb, thank you for the poem, I needed to see it again. One of our employees Mom sent it to me when Larry passed away and our daughter-in-law read it at his funeral through tears.
Thank you once again for your support and love.
Take care all and HUGS
Dear Yvonne, I am so very sorry over the loss of your beloved Larry. It seems when we get past the first year, it's tempting to think "Okay, I've grieved, I've mourned - I'm going to be okay from now on" It seems like a lot of the advice and counsel seems to only deal with the first year after the loss.

I went to the hospice "Light Up A Life Ceremony" this past Sunday (7 November 2010), and when they got to 'Byron Raymond Perkins' - I just lost it (it's been 16 months) - I cried more than I did the first time; it was harder this time than the first year, when it had only been 4 months.....the hospice people were so kind and loving - they hugged me and told me to bawl all I wanted to - it was what the ceremony was for. I just miss him so much, even now - and I will always miss and love him, just as you will for your beloved Larry.

Peace, grace and comfort be with you - Yaca Attwood Perkins
Yvonne, I hate this for you, me & all of us living like this. My love was also named Larry. He died Aug. 27th in a work related accident, he was 38 yrs. old. I do not wish to draw another breathe. The only thing that helps me is the encouragement of others that have experienced similar loss, the bible/God/prayer, & the rare moments when I feel like I have done something really special for myself or someone else. So far the something special for me was jumping in the lake with all my clothes on & going swimming w/ my big brother in October (that was amazing & well, crazy!) and the really special for someone else was giving blood for the 1st time (the best feeling ever!!) and shopping for/donating Christmas gifts for children in desperate need. It really is better to give than to recieve!
So, pull back the blanket & continue to give each day the best that you can & when you just can't give, be willing to accept: accept hugs, conversation, prayers, food, anything and let somebody know that you are ready to recieve. Family, friends, neighbors, church members... they want to help but just don't know how. I know it's easier to tell you what to do than do it myself! I will try to take some of my own advice more often. Hugs & best wishes to you!

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