Loss of a husband

I lost my husband in April of this year. He had cancer for almost 3 years and it was very hard on both of us. We were married for 18 years and I miss him every hour of every day. I never knew there could be such pain but there is and somedays its bearable and most days not. I go through the motions of everyday life but, well you know. If I hadnt have been looking at the Obituaries for the loss of another friend I wouldn not have found this site. Thanks. My sleeping is way off and here I am at midnight up after sleeping for four hours, oh I dont know what I am doing half of the time anymore, just seem to go through the motions. Yes they say it gets better but I dont know. Thanks for reading, or listening.

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Permalink Reply by Mary Jane Stark on August 13, 2009 at 1:53pm

Sorry about the loss of your husband. I lost mine after a very brief battle with cancer on June 27th. He had only been sick for 1.5 months. It was too late once they discovered it. I know what you mean when you talk about not knowing what you or doing. I feel like I am walking around in a daze most of the time. I am still in shock and it sounds like you are too. I understand that is the first step in grieving. Sometimes I have a hard time believing it is real, that he is really gone, but I know that he is. I am not in denial. I do hope it gets better.

Permalink Reply by Sharon Stricklen on August 13, 2009 at 3:54pm

oH mARY jANE THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ANSWERING ME, I HAVE JUST BEEN BESIDE MYSELF. iT seems like the whold world is going about their business and my life has come to a stand still. It has only been recently that i have been able to feel comfortable going to the store with out breaking down. Sometimes it feels as if my whole insides are one big panic attack waiting to happen and i just dont know when that will be. I know all of these things are normal but i dont like them. You had a rough time sounds like with your husband being ill for such a short time and then loosing him. My husband passed at home, did yours? Thats a tough one. I am certain that it will get better but maybe we can talk again and help one another out. Thanks again it means the world to me.

Permalink Reply by Mary Jane Stark on August 14, 2009 at 7:18am

My husband passed away in the hospital. We had taken him there by ambulance about 1:00 a.m. and he passed away about 2:00 p.m. He was in so much pain. It was just so unreal, so shocking. I am glad that he did not suffer long, only about a month and a half. The very last thing he said to me while he was in the hospital was that he loved me and I have that to hold in my heart forever. I watched him die. He turned to look at me and I told him that it was OK, that he could go, that I would be fine. That was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. I am crying now as I write this. I miss him so much. I was not ready for him to go. I thought we had more time.

Permalink Reply by Sharon Stricklen on August 14, 2009 at 8:27am

Oh ,I am crying now at what you said for my husband, I watched him die as well and he looked at me also and said he loved me and I too told him it was ok when I really didnt want it to be that way and as with you that was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life was to let him go on. I miss him too every minute of every day. We knew when he got sick that that day would come but I thought we would have more time too. Anyway thanks for the ear and the words, you dont know, or maybe you do how much it helps.

Permalink Reply by Mary W on August 14, 2009 at 9:29am

A month after my husband and I celebrated our 21st wedding anniversary my husband was diagnosed with lung cancer. It was a very trying time for us and our daughter. He died on 2-15-07. I keep hearing it will get better. Some days are good. Some are not. Almost a year and a half after he passed away I was in a car accident. All I could think about is my daughter would be an orphan. But as you can see I survived. Somebody must have been looking over me. I think the loneliness is the worse. We had been together more than half my life. I see some of my siblings and my friends with their spouses and I think that WAS me a long time ago. A month after my husband passed away I found a widows' website and have met some wonderful people. They are from all over the world in various stages of grief. Some days when I am blue I've gone on this site and I would start laughing at some joke, story or amusing anecdote. I've tried counseling but didn't see any help with it. It takes one day at a time. Maybe one minute at a time. But here I am at 2 1/2 years out and still can't believe he's been gone that long. Everyday I do thank God I have my daughter who is the main reason I get up everyday and thank Him I'm still here. Another reason is my siblings and friends who have been there when I needed them. And yes it's still OK to cry when I want to. I don't care where it is or who I'm with. I won't apologize to anyone for that. I've earned that right.

Permalink Reply by Mary Jane Stark on August 14, 2009 at 9:51am

Mary W. You do have that right to cry. We all do. I told one of the members of my husband's extended family (he was with the fire department for 37 years) that I was having a bad day and apologizing for crying. He told me that it was OK, that it was expected and I was going to have those days. All we can do is take it one day at a time. I am trying to tell myself that and mean. I talk to my husband every day. He was cremated. He is on my mantle. I tell him over and over again that I will be OK and that I love him. I know that he knows that I am not really OK now but that I will be.

Permalink Reply by Sharon Stricklen on August 14, 2009 at 11:23am

My husband was cremated also and sits by me in the livingroom where we used to be together and I too talk to him every day. I just really dont know what I am supposed to do now, am having a bit of a problem with that but I guess I will figure it out eventually or not.

Permalink Reply by Mary Jane Stark on August 14, 2009 at 11:47am

I never know what I am supposed to do with myself. For the most part, I work until 5:00 M - F, come home, feed the cat, eat something and go upstairs to retire. I am usually in my bed by 7:00 or so, watching TV, hoping for sleep. Then I sleep terrible. I wake up three or four times a night or more. Up until three days ago, I was up every morning at 4:00 or so. That was really tough. All I wanted to do was sleep. There is peace and escape in sleep. I just learned today about a bereavement support group in Newport News, VA that meets the 2nd and 4th Wednesday at 5:30. I am going to try to go to the next meeting. I am very hesitant about it because I am afraid of how it will affect me. I am afraid I will freak out horribly.

Permalink Reply by BoLynn on September 21, 2009 at 6:48pm

Sharon, after reading all the postings here, I'm sure you know you are not alone. I lost my Sweetie September 30th 2009 from lung cancer. He fought this horror for almost two years. My pain is new and raw. We were married for 29 wonderful years. I go through the day like a zombie, always seeing him every where I go. Our long coat chi is always looking for his daddy. We got to bring Koapaka to the hospital and also to hospice to visit his daddy. Here is a picture of the best medicine my husband could get.

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Permalink Reply by Sharon Stricklen on September 21, 2009 at 7:16pm

Oh Linda my heart goes to you. I still feel a great sence of loss and it has been 5 months but it only seems like yesterday to me. I too see him everywere and smell him and the picture of him taking his last breath will be with me forever. Carl died here at home and I know he went to heaven because I wittnessed him going there. He had lost his mother and best friend a year prior to his death and they both came to get him. When he said hi Mom I knew he was on his way. We too have a puppy, Lilly and she was right up on the bed when he passed. We had hospice in here because carl wanted to be at home Our little dog still walkes around looking, and she stares at his chair, it is heartbreaking. We were married 18 years and it is really tough to now have to go it alone, and sometimes that is how I feel is so terriably alone. But I will tell you that it does get better with everyday, oh sure the emptiness will never leave but now I can finally go to the store and things like that as to when he first passed I had a real problem leaving the house. These are all part of the grieving process I know and we have to allow ourselves to go through it at our own pace. So you are just going to have to take deep breaths and take it one minute or one hour or one day at a time and you will have good days and bad, but just know that he is in a better place and not suffering anymore. Thats what I hang on to so maybe it will help you as well, and I am always here if you want to talk

Permalink Reply by BoLynn on September 21, 2009 at 8:05pm

We have so much in common, Sharon. We were married for 28 years and we were so as one, we finished each other's sentences and we could read each other's minds. Bo wanted to go to a hospice that is five minutes from our home. In a way, he was thinking of me and it turned out to be a good thing. He had so many visitors, everyday! We had friends that would come and play guitar and sing to him. We had many concerts in his room. I got to come home and rest and recharge my batteries. He spent almost two weeks in Saint Francis Hospice, and the care he got was excellent. This man did everything for me. I don't drive and we so enjoyed going out doing chores, shopping or eating out. We always called it our "dates". Now I rely on friends and family to go anywhere and I hate imposing on them. I'll start to take the bus soon. It's been years since I last took a bus anywhere.

Yes, our Darlings are in a better place. No more pain and suffering. This thought gets me through the day.

Blessings on you my dear. Thank you for listening.

Permalink Reply by Sharon Stricklen on September 21, 2009 at 8:31pm

oh linda we do have alot in common, i dont drive either and when we went to the store we also called it our date! That is really something isn't it/ I found this site signing a book for someone else who had passed and I am so glad that I did. Talking to someone everyday who knows exactlly what I am going through really has been a god send so any time you want to chat, i am here hand in there