Not being allowed to the funeral...

I recently lost my wife on Sep 12th. She died from a pulmonary embolism, one of the larger ones the coroner had seen. We were married for almost 10 years and known each other for 12. I had filed for divorce at the end of July because of issues with drinking and such that happened at the beginning of June. We hadn't seen each other since June 3rd when this all started. This is really tearing at me because she was my soulmate. I never stopped loving or caring for her, I just couldn't live with the issues anymore.

I have been accused of killing her by her family. I was forced to recind all rights to the funeral or 'else'. I've had death threats, harassment, etc. you name it, it's happened. Just weeks before I walked on water. My mother came in from out of state to help and threats were thrown at her. I had to stop the rest of my family from coming because of this. This all happened before the coroner found out what really took her. She had a history of alcoholism and prescription drug abuse. Mind you, I don't have this problem. I did everything I could to keep her clean and sober. But apparently it wasn't enough, I didn't die from trying. It was exhausting to say the least.

I was told that if I shown up to the funeral that I would be shot and my legs would be broken. All by her mother. Yes, I've filed reports with the police because you never know if she would follow through.

Even after the determination of her death, I haven't gotten an apology or the chance to visit her graveside. I'm still waiting for her wedding rings so that I can have them soldered with mine. It's like I'm incomplete in all this.

How do I find peace in all this? My heart aches everyday and I can't always fight back the tears. I feel so alone.

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Permalink Reply by Margaret Clare Sanders on October 6, 2009 at 12:40pm

Dear Steve.
My heart goes out to you at this time. It is bad enough losing the one you love without being denied the opportunity to pay your last respects at the funeral. It sounds to me that your mother-in-law is at the angry stage of her grief and so is looking for someone to blame for the loss of her daughter so is blaming you.
Sad to say there is no way you can change her mind just now but maybe in time she will be able to understand that her daughter's death is not your fault.
Perhaps it might help you if you gather up some photographs of happy times you spent together and either make a collage of them yourself or have it done by a photographer. You can then find a little corner to place the collage and place a few of her favorite things there as a reminder. This will help you keep the memory alive. If you are not allowed to attend the funeral, there is nothing to stop you from having a memorial service to celebrate her life and invite your mutual friends.
If you attend a church the pastor could help with this, if not, there are people in private practice as grief counselors who might be able to help you find a chaplain who could perform a service for you. They do not usually charge much.
My thoughts and good wishes go to you at this very difficult time
margaret

Permalink Reply by Wendela on October 10, 2009 at 11:21am

It's not easy to find peace in the midst of your mother-in-law's anger and grief, but don't let your experience of your wife's life be colored by her mother. The actual funeral service is just one day in the long process of grieving and coming to terms with a loss. Collecting pictures, favorite objects, memories, in a form that you can have around you at any time, this is more lasting. Writing about your life with your wife can help with completion. Joining a grief support group sounds like a good idea - I'm going to try to find one near me. Hang in there, and try to minimize contact with caustic, angry people. They tell me this gets easier over time, and I hope and pray they are right. God bless you!

Permalink Reply by Mary W on October 13, 2009 at 2:38pm

I am so sorry for your loss. I understand as I lost my husband on 2-15-07. However, even though you started the process of divorce you were STILL legally married. Your wife's family has NO claim. I would contact a lawyer and get these issues resolved. No matter what you say to her family they won't listen. They need somebody to blame and that's you. No matter that she had issues. They won't hear that. They just look at you to blame. I'm sure they also wish it was you that was dead and not your wife. No matter what you do they will not be happy again. I hate to say this but if you have to go to court to get your wife's rings back you will need to do this. The cemetery is a public place and they cannot keep you from being there. As time goes on it does get easier but you need to take one day at a time.

Permalink Reply by Winnifred Chubbs on November 2, 2009 at 12:56pm

I know exactly what you are experiencing . I married my childhood sweetheart ,whom I hadnt seen in fifty years , in Nov 2006.In January 2008 he died after only 14 months of marriage ,of bladder cancer.I was devistated but I also have my ninety six year old mom living with me ,so that gives me a reason to go on.He had three adult children in their forties who had no problem with our marriage while he lived .As soon as he died and they realized that I would own matromial home according to Canadian law ,they came gunning for me . I then got dianosed with cancer myself so I had to move to larger area for proper medical treatment . I haved moved on but it is very difficult . His children continued to harras me right to airport while I was waiting to board plane

Permalink Reply by Anita Simmons on November 2, 2009 at 9:38pm

I don't understand how her family could make this about them for I ampositive, and I don't even know you, that your wife would have wanted you there. The same thing, not as exstensive happened to my fiance (died just last week) with a man he loved and thought so much of but the family was angry with him cause while in college he messed up with another woman and broke their daughters heart (app 15 yrs ago). Funerals mess people up and the green monster comes out. Legally if you weren't divorced they had no right. the only advice I may have for you is patience. They can't keep from her grave site and they can't keep you from those special places you to shared together. The loss of my fiance is devistating to me and I may loose our home, property etc cause of greed. Find those places you shared some of the most happy moments in your marriage and go there. More then likely she will be there too.

Permalink Reply by Pamela Thomas on November 9, 2009 at 1:26pm

Hello Steve,

I'm so sorry for your loss. It's very sad that you didn't go to the funeral. You really do need closure. I would suggest you remember the happy times, and don't focus on the substance abuse. In time you will find joy, peace and happiness. Don't focus on her family because this will only make things more difficult for you. God Bless You. Grief is a process, and we must all go through it.

Permalink Reply by linda woodbridge on November 20, 2009 at 11:37pm

DEAR STEVE,
I AM SO SORRY TO HEAR OF WHAT HAS GONE ON IN YOUR LIFE.I DO BELIVE YOU TRIED YOUR VERY BEST WITH YOUR WIFE.GOD KNOWS THIS TO STEVE.MY GOSH THIS MOTHER INLAW NEEDS TO CALL YOU AND SAY SORRY! IT IS SO HARD TO FIND PEACE RIGHT NOW. BUT IN TIME WE MAY. MAY YOUR DAYS BE A BIT BETTER FROM NOW ON. I AM PRAYING FOR YOU STEVE.TAKE CARE.TODAY MY HUSBAND WILL BE GONE ONE YEAR, IT FEELS LIKE YESTERDAY TO ME.GOD BLESS YOU,LINDA

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