Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Wendela on October 11, 2009 at 11:41am

I am so sorry,Showbiz Kid. I hear that people have dreams about their lost spouses, but many of them are dreams of comfort, not of horror. When I first lost my husband last month, others in the family shared dreams of David telling them he was fine and that he was in a wonderful place, with fireworks, and that he would always be with us and take care of us, but I never dreamed about him. I felt that his spirit was with me every night, which was the only way that I've been able to sleep at all, but no dreams. I believe that it would be way too hard to have the dream about him being alive and then wake up to this reality again, as you have been experiencing. I can only imagine your pain, but I can imagine it. You've probably already tried many things and don't need somebody giving you unwanted advice. You can just stop reading if this is useless, but here is my two cents: first, I know medication doesn't solve things, but sometimes it can help us sleep, and sleep is vital for our mental health and functioning. After my mom died my dad used to take an over-the-counter pain medication with "sleep" or "night-time" on the label, and sometimes an allergy pill that causes drowsiness. Or your doctor might prescribe something mild that would help you sleep and stay asleep until morning without waking to the dreams. Another idea, if the dream comes once, is to do something very different to keep from slipping back into it, such as putting on music, getting out of bed for a glass of milk, sleeping somewhere else for a while like a recliner or couch, or just turning over and sleeping on the other side or with a different pillow - anything to break the pattern of the returning dream. And of course you mention therapy - even though you've never gone before, this might be the perfect time to get some short-term, goal-oriented, problem-specific therapy. A lot of people (who've never been where we are) might think 5 years is long enough to "get over" the loss and get back to "normal," but we know better. A good therapist should be able to work with you on this issue with no judgment about it. The grieving process takes longer than other people understand. I will pray for you today, Showbiz Kid, and hope you are able to sleep peacefully and dreamlessly tonight, or if dreams come, may they be dreams of sweet comfort.
Blessings,
Wendela

Permalink Reply by Showbiz Kid on October 12, 2009 at 12:17am

I am so sorry for your loss...and pray you find comfort in your road of grief.
Thank you so much for you kind words. I am on medications - antidepressants,
very mild tranquilizer which I take in the morning only (usually), and I do take
benadryl at night to help me sleep. Hope to talk to you again here.
Take care.

Permalink Reply by Wendela on October 12, 2009 at 2:01am

Thank you, Showbiz Kid. I'll check back here some time tomorrow, and hope that you will have had a good night's sleep with no bad dreams. I spent this afternoon planning my husband's service with our pastor. I guess once the service is past, it will be another step in the process, but I know it will take a long time; we were married for 27 years, so I'm not going to "get over it" very quickly. Still, I have to believe that dealing with the pain and the loss will get a little bit easier, a little bit at a time.
Keep in touch,
Wendela

Showbiz Kid said:

I am so sorry for your loss...and pray you find comfort in your road of grief.
Thank you so much for you kind words. I am on medications - antidepressants,
very mild tranquilizer which I take in the morning only (usually), and I do take
benadryl at night to help me sleep. Hope to talk to you again here.
Take care.

Permalink Reply by Showbiz Kid on October 12, 2009 at 2:24am

Hi Wendela - I was with my husband 22 years/married 17. It does get easier I will promise you that. You will never be "over it" I can promise you that as well. I remember the funeral director told me that it takes at least two years to be "normal" after losing a spouse. Well, what's normal? I had no mortgage when he died...had to re-fi three times and now I am in foreclosure. Long story...can't go there now but I pray that you just sit yourself down, strap yourself in, and prepare for the ride...
it's quite a rollercoaster. If you fight it, which I'm sure everyone does now and then, it makes it harder.
You will have good days and then, without any warning, you will be brought to our knees sobbing.
It is part of life but it is just so hard. My husband was an alcoholic. There were so many negative issues to say the least...but I found him dead one morning in the living room. I will never get that out of my head. 911 was making me do CPR via phone before they got there and I already knew he was dead. It was just horrible. No, we never get over it. We just plod along and find happy memories to replace the pain.

Can't sleep - I'm in NJ and it's 3:20am. Take care and keep in touch. Good luck with your service and I hope things aren't too bad.

Permalink Reply by Wendela on October 12, 2009 at 8:53am

I know what you mean already about the roller coaster, Showbiz Kid. (Can I call you SBK?) Everything seems "fine" at least on the surface, and then I break down and cry in the stationery store trying to find a pen on a desk stand to put by the guest book at the service, that doesn't look like a wedding guest book pen. (Finally found one at another store, without crying this time.)
Well, it's early morning in California; I can't seem to sleep later than 5:30 am, but at least I'm getting 5 or 6 hours a night, which I do not take for granted. I hope in NJ you have finally gotten some sleep. Take care,
Wendela

Showbiz Kid said:

Hi Wendela - I was with my husband 22 years/married 17. It does get easier I will promise you that. You will never be "over it" I can promise you that as well. I remember the funeral director told me that it takes at least two years to be "normal" after losing a spouse. Well, what's normal? I had no mortgage when he died...had to re-fi three times and now I am in foreclosure. Long story...can't go there now but I pray that you just sit yourself down, strap yourself in, and prepare for the ride...
it's quite a rollercoaster. If you fight it, which I'm sure everyone does now and then, it makes it harder.
You will have good days and then, without any warning, you will be brought to our knees sobbing.
It is part of life but it is just so hard. My husband was an alcoholic. There were so many negative issues to say the least...but I found him dead one morning in the living room. I will never get that out of my head. 911 was making me do CPR via phone before they got there and I already knew he was dead. It was just horrible. No, we never get over it. We just plod along and find happy memories to replace the pain.

Can't sleep - I'm in NJ and it's 3:20am. Take care and keep in touch. Good luck with your service and I hope things aren't too bad.

Permalink Reply by Rene on October 13, 2009 at 11:30pm

I keep dreaming (not every night but i have it quite often)that we are all in the living room and just talking me and our daughters and friends and Gene walk thru the front door and says"sorry im late babe, but im home", It isnt a bad dream it is just weird it seems so real I will wake up and of course he's not there and i will cry myself to sleep. My Gene has only been gone a year and as far as sleeping i havent had a good nights sleep since he died, but your dream is bad and scaring you and maybe a professional can help I will be praying for you. God Bless

Permalink Reply by Showbiz Kid on October 14, 2009 at 12:44am

Rene said:

I keep dreaming (not every night but i have it quite often)that we are all in the living room and just talking me and our daughters and friends and Gene walk thru the front door and says"sorry im late babe, but im home", It isnt a bad dream it is just weird it seems so real I will wake up and of course he's not there and i will cry myself to sleep. My Gene has only been gone a year and as far as sleeping i havent had a good nights sleep since he died, but your dream is bad and scaring you and maybe a professional can help I will be praying for you. God Bless

Permalink Reply by Showbiz Kid on October 14, 2009 at 12:49am

Ugh....I have felt many times when I'm awake his spirit is with me. But I can honestly say that in almost 5 years I have never had a good dream. It is always sad. However, I can also say that I feel the house I live in is evil. It was my grandparent's house and then my uncle's and I inherited it. I wanted to just sell it and buy a house in the town I was from but my husband made me stay here.
Since we moved here 9 years ago, bad things have happened one after another.
So now I am in foreclosure and I am just ready to take my animals and belongings and move the Hell out. SOMEONE doesn't want me here and didn't want my husband here either. I can't help but think the bad vibes here are adding to the bad dreams. I hate living here. I just hate it.
Sorry for your loss.... :( Wish I had words of wisdom. But things are so crappy with me I am fighting to get thru each day.

Permalink Reply by Wendela on October 14, 2009 at 1:02am

Keep fighting, Showbiz Kid, and get yourself to a place where you can be comfortable; being in a house that feels "evil" or has bad vibes might be making it worse, and getting out of there could be the thing to make the bad dreams go. Don't feel bad about the house going into foreclosure, sometimes God goes to great lengths to get us out of a place that's not helping us and into a more supportive environment. Just go, gather your animals and the belongings that you love or need, and don't look back. You deserve to live in a place that does not feel evil to you. God bless you, SBK!

Showbiz Kid said:

Ugh....I have felt many times when I'm awake his spirit is with me. But I can honestly say that in almost 5 years I have never had a good dream. It is always sad. However, I can also say that I feel the house I live in is evil. It was my grandparent's house and then my uncle's and I inherited it. I wanted to just sell it and buy a house in the town I was from but my husband made me stay here.
Since we moved here 9 years ago, bad things have happened one after another.
So now I am in foreclosure and I am just ready to take my animals and belongings and move the Hell out. SOMEONE doesn't want me here and didn't want my husband here either. I can't help but think the bad vibes here are adding to the bad dreams. I hate living here. I just hate it.
Sorry for your loss.... :( Wish I had words of wisdom. But things are so crappy with me I am fighting to get thru each day.

Permalink Reply by Showbiz Kid on October 15, 2009 at 6:46pm

Wow thank you! I never thought of it that way!!!!!!

Permalink Reply by Wendela on October 15, 2009 at 11:44pm

You're welcome, SBK. I just read in a book today (Sink Reflections) about the concept of "God Breezes." The author said that we are like sailboats, and God is the wind, but we have to put up our sails to catch the "God Breezes." So maybe your foreclosure is a "God Breeze" and your sail is up, so God can carry you into a better, happier, dream-free environment.
Let me know how it goes!
Wendela

Showbiz Kid said:

Wow thank you! I never thought of it that way!!!!!!

Permalink Reply by julie thomas on October 29, 2009 at 10:36pm

i lost my husband almost 2 years ago and sometimes it still feels like he is around. sometimes its good, sometimes it makes me angry. i had him in my dreams for some time, now not so much anymore. i had feeling of the type of dreams you had during my first year. not a horror, but utter sadness. i find the 2nd year so much harder than the first. i'm not nearly as numb as before. you should try therapy, it helped me alot. you might want to see your doctor as well. take care

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