Lost husband October 26,2009......having a bad time today;(

As a mentioned in my previous post, I just lost my beloved husband John 12 days ago. Since then I've been trying to be strong, and accept it. Always remembering that he is in heaven, and not suffering any kind pain anymore. But yesterday I received a sympathy card from his relatives including pictures of him, when he was much younger and healthy. The momment I look at the pictures I started cry like crazy, I just wanted to hold and kiss him. He did look so good, Oh God, right now I have tears in my eyes. I miss my soul mate, his touch, his arms around me conforting me when I was sad or afraid, my head against his chest, his sweet warm lips, his smell, his beautiful hazel eyes looking at me with such love. His smile did bright the all room. He used to sing love songs to me a day before he passed away he was singing the theme of 'ghost' movie. I can't recall it now, but it is a beautiful love song(with Demi Moore & Patrick) For 10 yrs that we were together,every single day he did tell me how much he loved me, how beautiful and smart I am. Kissed me a dozen times a day, even when I was driving my car he was holding my pink finger or staring at me.
I'm having such a hard time since yesterday, crying a lot. I look at his medications(15 or more) I get mad, what it did for him???
I told my daughter that I don't want any future relationship with anyone. I just look forward to be with my husband one day. No one can replace him in my heart. My heart belongs to him, I still in love with him. I still married to him. even if we are separated by life and death. My daughter doesn't agree with me I am just 47 yrs old, my husband was 72. She thinks that I should move on and one day find someone else, and be happy. She mentioned that he is dead, and is not longer here among us. I do understand that, but how can I deal with such a pain and loss?
I can't make it disappear overnight, whish I could ;( the memories we shared together plays in my mind over and over like a movie.
Each day is so difficult to live, I don't want to see nobody, I even don't like to talk about his death with neighbors. My body feels weak without energy, even to go out at grocery store I have to push myself. I don't go out unless I have to. I spend most of my time watching tv with my daughter, reading a grieving book, and resting in the sofa located at family room or sleeping. I try to keep my mind clear because I have to take care of myself, my daughter and our 4 little white poodle dogs. Also I have to take care of my financial responsabilities and deal with problems. I feel alone, and depressed specially near to the holidays. I am taking anti anxiety, and antidepressive medication prescripted by my doctor.
I try to go out take my daughter to the movies, to starbuck coffee shop. But the empty feeling still here deep in my heart. I ask God to give me strenght I need it. My emotions like a rollercoaster I can be ok watching tv, or doing something suddenly I start cry like I just can't stop it! My daughter is the reason I keeping going on.
Today is not a good day for me ;( have been 1 week since a buried my love.
I know that I will cry more.....just don't know for how long. Maybe forever.....only God knows ;(

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Permalink Reply by Anita Simmons on November 8, 2009 at 12:37am

I am so so sorry. We share the same day of losing the ones we love so dearly. I do the same as you, I cry, and when I have a moment to laugh I feel guilty and quickly stop it. I thank my father and step mother for their daily support even though they are 3,000 miles away and I thank my church that I have just recently started attending. They have been so supportive and caring. please go to church. I go twice a week, two differant church, just until I find the one I love to attend. They are a blessing.
I don't know when the rollercoaster ride of emotions will stop. When food tastes good again or when you feel ok laughing again. It'll be a long time. Right now I am dealing with the families attacks and losing my home. It doesn't get any easier.
Pray, a lot and go to church. I'm here if you need

Permalink Reply by Missmylove47 on November 8, 2009 at 6:35pm

Anita,

Thanks so much for your support and help. I need that :( Today I am feeling better like a mentioned to you in my previous reply today, I prayed for Archangel Michael and God yesterday, I couldn't stop crying I was a mess. My daughter and I, went to Starbucks Coffee Shop. and watched movies on TV. Today I was watching Michael Jackson DVD alive show :) which made me laugh for a while. Also I have guilt feelings like you Anita, I feel that I should have done more for my husband, for the times I said something bad to him, or not having much time to spend with him. The worse guilt feeling I had was the night he died, I fall sleeping in the sofa downstair, watching TV. and didn't hear he calling me when he wasn't feeling well. Finally I woke up by myself, and found him upstairs laid down in the carpet feeling very sick and pale. He told me that he was there for 10 minutes like that. Oh God forgive me :( I did everything to safe him but he died 10 or 15 minutes later. I am reading a grief book for loss of a spouse, it says that is normal we feel guilty when we loss a loved one. The book suggest us to write a jornal about our feelings and thoughts. Today I wrote a big letter for my beloved husband John, asking for his forgiviness. Don't feel guilt Anita, I am sure you did everything you could under the circustances, relationships are NOT perfect, we are NOT perfect. Do yourself a big favor, write how many letters you want to Malcolm and tell him exactly the way you feel......I am sure that you will
make you feel much better okay. Yeah, I am looking for a good church right now, I just not have much physical energy to socialize right now. I am drain, it is taking a lot from me mentaly and physically. But I am trying my best :)

I am here for you too.
Take care God bless You.......bye for now!
Olivia

Permalink Reply by Steve Cain on November 8, 2009 at 11:38pm

I will tell you simply this; you do not have to "be strong" or "accept" it. Be strong is a phrase used by many who either can't or won't deal with your loss so they don't want to see you being real about it. Acceptance is such a vague term. Yes you understand your husband is gone and you accept that it's real, it doesn't mean that you have to accept his death like "Oh well,that's it." because then you do not get to grieve over your loss. Your daughter right now is either in shock or denial of your feelings which is why she is wanting you to at some point "move on". While I would never say never, especially at your age, now is not the time to even THINK about such an issue.
I have recommended this in the main thread of "When A Spouse Or Partner Dies" and I will pass that advice on to you. Contact your local hospice and ask them about support groups and companions and counselors that they may offer. I know it is helping me, I hope it will help you too. If you have any questions, just ask.

Permalink Reply by Michele on November 9, 2009 at 12:31am

Oh, sweetie, I am so sorry for your loss. I can't be of much help I realize since I haven't heard any magic words yet that make the pain and ache of losing your love hurt any less. I just wanted to say I was thinking of you and saying a prayer for your heart to beat normally again someday, for you to have a complete thought and just at least a few moments in which by the Grace of God, for just a brief moment for things to feel some kind of right again. You are in all of our hearts and prayers. I hope and pray every day that my love, Tim, who we lost August 19, 2009 to a tragic car accident that happened right in our driveway, I hope he has some idea of how much of a positive impact he actually had in so many people's lives. My boys and mine in a huge way. I feel cheated out of the time we still needed to learn and grow with and from him. It does honestly get a minute amount better each day I guess. Not better, just i guess maybe acceptable. Right now i am mad at him and God, can't help it. It does help to talk about it though. The more you get to say out loud the feelings you are dealing with, no matter what those are-no wrong or right way to feel, you just feel it whatever that is this particular second...tell a good friend or family. At least for me, my Mother has been like a Saint! She just listens, never offering advice, just wishing she could take the pain on herself--bless her heart! I wouldn't let her do that in a zillion years. I would never wish this pain on anyone!
Hang on with your fingernails if you have to, but just hang on.

Permalink Reply by Ericka Bryant on November 9, 2009 at 10:14am

Oh Honey, give yourself some credit. You just lost your husband 12 days ago. It is going to be a long time before you don't feel like crying all the time. I lost my husband in an accident 1 year, four months and 5 days ago, and I still cry just about every day. Life will eventually move on, but allow yourself to be sad and cry when ever you need to.

Get a counselor you trust, and with everything else just take it one step at a time. The financial stuff is a pain, but having your daughter and animals there will actually help keep you going, even though it sometimes seems like a burden to take care of them when all you really want to do is hide under the covers in your bed and cry.

You will be on an emotional roller coaster for a while. There is no getting around that. Just try to be with it. Take deep breaths, remember the love you two shared, and know that your beloved husband is at peace.

Love,
Ericka

Permalink Reply by Pamela Thomas on November 9, 2009 at 1:13pm

I truly understand how you feel. My husband passed away 2/7/09. What you need to realize is that it's ok to feel the way you do. You are normal. Grief is a process. I'm sorry that you are having a bad day. Please feel free to email me at trotwood83@yahoo.com I would love to exchange numbers with you, so that we can talk. Your husband would like for you to cheer up, and to enjoy life.

Pamela Thomas

Permalink Reply by Wendela on November 9, 2009 at 5:41pm

I'm saying a prayer right now for each person who shared here. We all share the pain of loss. My darling David died unexpectedly on 9/2/09, one month before our 27th anniversary. He was 54, and I had no warning or time to say good-bye. We all need to remember that no matter how bad a day might be, better days are there for us. It's hard to see that when we're in the depths of our despair, crying every day, but God loves us and has good things in store for us. I have faith that one day food will taste good again, and we'll laugh freely, and look at old photos with a smile instead of tears. It's okay to be wherever we are in the grief process right now; let's just remember that mourning is a process that changes with us., and changes us, but God is holding us up all the way through. God bless and keep us all!

Permalink Reply by Anita Simmons on November 9, 2009 at 8:26pm

OHHHH! Olivia. Today I have spent a lot of time in bed and finally got up and ended up spending the day trying to know how I may be able to keep my home. I have a slim to none chance to keep my home. It breaks my heart how they are dishonoring Malcolm and his wishes to take care of me. Today I found out he had a will. When he did it, I believe it was yrs ago. I'm shocked cause he never mentioned it to me. The night his brother called was 3 days after they filed the will with the courts and he told me I was going to have to leave the house so my belief is I wasn't any part of the will. He probably didn't know me then. I don't know but I will get a copy of the will tomorrow. The only thing I can do is write the probate courts asking for some consideration. After that, it's in Gods hands. Maybe I'm not meant to be here. I hate to think that way but I'm trying to see what my future might be.
I have my first group meeting Tues. We'll see how that goes.
I hope you doing better. I talk to Malcolm everyday and then I talk to God and ask him to pass on a messagge for me. Does it help? I don't know yet. The crying has settled a little yet I still don't eat. Malcolms clothes are still my daily wardrobe and I still sleep on his side. He's never out of my mind.

Please don't feel guilty about not hearing you husband that night but I know you will for awhile. I go over in my head mine and Malcolms last words, read texts and emails he sent me and I feel guilty cause I don't think I said "I love you". I always said it, did I that day? Hopefully are guilt will subside soon.

Always here.
Anita

Missmylove47 said:

Anita,

Thanks so much for your support and help. I need that :( Today I am feeling better like a mentioned to you in my previous reply today, I prayed for Archangel Michael and God yesterday, I couldn't stop crying I was a mess. My daughter and I, went to Starbucks Coffee Shop. and watched movies on TV. Today I was watching Michael Jackson DVD alive show :) which made me laugh for a while. Also I have guilt feelings like you Anita, I feel that I should have done more for my husband, for the times I said something bad to him, or not having much time to spend with him. The worse guilt feeling I had was the night he died, I fall sleeping in the sofa downstair, watching TV. and didn't hear he calling me when he wasn't feeling well. Finally I woke up by myself, and found him upstairs laid down in the carpet feeling very sick and pale. He told me that he was there for 10 minutes like that. Oh God forgive me :( I did everything to safe him but he died 10 or 15 minutes later. I am reading a grief book for loss of a spouse, it says that is normal we feel guilty when we loss a loved one. The book suggest us to write a jornal about our feelings and thoughts. Today I wrote a big letter for my beloved husband John, asking for his forgiviness. Don't feel guilt Anita, I am sure you did everything you could under the circustances, relationships are NOT perfect, we are NOT perfect. Do yourself a big favor, write how many letters you want to Malcolm and tell him exactly the way you feel......I am sure that you will
make you feel much better okay. Yeah, I am looking for a good church right now, I just not have much physical energy to socialize right now. I am drain, it is taking a lot from me mentaly and physically. But I am trying my best :)

I am here for you too.
Take care God bless You.......bye for now!
Olivia

Permalink Reply by Gladys on November 14, 2009 at 1:24am

hi, i understand what u are going through and I thank God i came upon this website today as now i know i am not alone. my spouse passed at the end of june this year and i am grieving heavily. we lost our home in may and thereafter he passed at the age of 52, heart failure...i was devasted as i was away from home in another state caring for my elderly mother when it happened and someone found him...unsure if he had passed the day before. we have a child and it has been hard on him too! people tell me it will get easier but i just dont know if it ever will...i know i will see him in heaven one day...but i do miss him and although we were separated at the time of his death...i loved him and love his memory still...again thanks for sharing...

Permalink Reply by J on November 15, 2009 at 2:16pm

I think it is normal to not want to be in another relationship. Why would you? You loved him? I feel the same way about my husband. People tell me 'you're young and will find someone else and move on'. I'm 35 and maybe they're right, but right now I need to grieve the loss of my husband, not try to find another relationship.

I think people mean well, but they just don't understand. You can't understand unless you experience it. My heart is with you.

All the best,
Jennifer

Permalink Reply by Missmylove47 on November 16, 2009 at 8:48pm

Hi Michele,

Thanks for your reply, kindness and support. I am so sorry for the loss of your beloved 'Tim'. I understand what you going through, specially that he passed away in your drive way. It most causes you bad memories. My beloved husband John, just passed away October 26, 2009. He passed inside my car in the front passenger seat, the car was in my drive way too. I was getting him ready to take to ER. He died from cardiac arrest following a ruptured aortic(abdomen) aneurysm.
I have no family in here, just my daughter. My late husband has many relatives must of them living in another state. You're so luck to have a very supportive mother & family beside you. What happened to Tim, what caused his accident?
I have up and downs, but I am getting stronger little every day. God is watching after me, my daughter, my 4 little white poodles and all of us who lost our loved ones. I am glad that you are hanging in there, and being stronger. Time is the best healer. We just have to accept the reality that your 'Tim' and my 'John' is not longer among us, and we still ALIVE and must survive for those who need us.
I had such a hard time, emotions like a roller coaster. Sometimes I feel very numb, sometimes burst in tears. Well.....I am grieving right?
That way it is. God is guiding me and giving me strenght. My thoughts and prayers are with you Michele. Be strong Ok . God bless you!

Olivia

Michele said:

Oh, sweetie, I am so sorry for your loss. I can't be of much help I realize since I haven't heard any magic words yet that make the pain and ache of losing your love hurt any less. I just wanted to say I was thinking of you and saying a prayer for your heart to beat normally again someday, for you to have a complete thought and just at least a few moments in which by the Grace of God, for just a brief moment for things to feel some kind of right again. You are in all of our hearts and prayers. I hope and pray every day that my love, Tim, who we lost August 19, 2009 to a tragic car accident that happened right in our driveway, I hope he has some idea of how much of a positive impact he actually had in so many people's lives. My boys and mine in a huge way. I feel cheated out of the time we still needed to learn and grow with and from him. It does honestly get a minute amount better each day I guess. Not better, just i guess maybe acceptable. Right now i am mad at him and God, can't help it. It does help to talk about it though. The more you get to say out loud the feelings you are dealing with, no matter what those are-no wrong or right way to feel, you just feel it whatever that is this particular second...tell a good friend or family. At least for me, my Mother has been like a Saint! She just listens, never offering advice, just wishing she could take the pain on herself--bless her heart! I wouldn't let her do that in a zillion years. I would never wish this pain on anyone!
Hang on with your fingernails if you have to, but just hang on.

Permalink Reply by Brigitte on November 17, 2009 at 8:06pm

I know how you feel. It has been 4 months today since my beloved Douglas died. He was my best friend, soul mate and husband -- he will always be in my heart. I cry, get angry, feel depressed, laugh, try to move on and cry some more. It will take time, or so I am told. Douglas is my guardian angel and everytime I see a feather I know that he is beside me and that gives me great comfort. Will the pain ever stop? Yes -- and the love you shared will continue on no matter what. It is getting easier and the hole in my heart will heal eventually. Take solice in knowing that you are not alone! We will all get through this and talking about it helps a great deal. I will be thinking of you as you travel the road to a "new" normal because all of us have had our "old" normal disrupted. It is a journey that will be filled with wonderment, joy, sadness, tears and smiles. Hold on to your faith!!