I remember thinking when I married Joe, my life had changed forever. And that haunting thought came back to me as the funeral home was driving off with him...my life had just changed forever again.
There is so much that I want to say to all of you. That this grief path we are all travelling is the worst life gives us...that there will be lots of lonely nights...lots of tears...and there are many ways in front of you to help you cope with it all. But what is really tugging at my heart and am compelled to share with you is this...it gets easier, it doesn't get better. There will come a time (for some it will be after the first year, others will take longer) when you will smile more often than break down and feel your heart bleeding when you remember his touch, feel his hugs, smell his/her cologne. There WILL come a time when remembering your lives together will bring laughter and smiles and joy instead of pain and tears and sadness. There will be a time when you'll look at his legacy...your children, the photos of your lives together and can only smile. And when that day comes and you realise consciously that you've stepped to the other side of that ugly and horrible, heartless, cruel, grief path...you'll feel a twinge of guilt for your smiles. DO NOT, because it is the ferverent wish of your loved ones for you to get there. They have all watched you go through your pain and have had to stand by, beneath that very thin veil that seperates us...and feel your pain. And some were surprised by your pain, thinking that even though they KNEW you loved them...if they'd spent a long agonizing road towards death...that you were better off and couldn't imagine you feeling anything but relief at their passing. And now they know different. We all hurt. We all have lost a very big piece of our hearts. But the sad reality of life is that we will continue to loose everyone in our life that we love...parents, older siblings, aunts, uncles, grandparents, parents, spouses, friends and children. We will loose more than we bargained for. We can only survive if we learn to survive. WHATEVER floats your boat...journal, go back frequently and re-read them...visit an intuitive medium or two or three...read books about it from Allison DuBois and others...take that vacation you were planning together...continue to talk to them as if they are still here standing right next to you. Because they are.
4 years later, I still have nights where I cry myself to sleep. When I turn to Joe's side of the bed and reach for him when I'm half asleep and then realise he's not there. Mornings when I wake up and think, another day without my twin flame, my soulmate, my best friend, my lover and the keeper of my heart and am sad. Nights when I am standing on my back porch and look up at the heaven's and the night sky with all it's stars and say "good night my love, another day is done". When a song reminds me of nights we used to go dancing in the living room or on the back porch...when I smell his cologne after I step out of the shower and there's none in the house...when I am standing behind a couple in the grocery store line who're holding onto each other...or when I am reminded of all the plans we had for retirement and life after children, jobs, etc.
It gets easier, it doesn't get better.
This is a great site...keep up the good works...sharing your pain with each other...comforting each other...
Someday, you will meet another who'll make you happy. Someday when you've cried most of your tears and you're ready for stepping onto another path of life. You'll never forget your spouse, but you will find another to make you happy and feel needed and wanted, appreciated, happy...again.
FOOTNOTE: Joe Harold Leaver died 1-14-2006 peacefully in his sleep of congestive heart failure due in part to his COPD and in part to his emphyzema. it was 6wks short of our 25th wedding anniversary. Ours was a romance that most around us were envious of...Joe always had that beaming smile whenever I walked into a room...I always knew what the man was thinking and he could finish my sentences. OMG I miss him so very much still.