Why didn't anyone ever tell me about the silence?

It has been 7 months since my beloved Andrew was taken from me. I have had so much going on as my children were also critically injured when he died, but now that they are getting better, and returning to life, I just feel silent. A few months ago I may have thought I wanted this, but good lord, it's overwhelming me and I cannot do anything to make it go away. I feel so alone, as all the people who once were surrounding me have just gone back to their lives ( and rightfully so) but I just feel nothing anymore... I don't know how to get through this, I don't know when I should feel better, because it's as though it's getting worse and worse every second. I am so very grateful that my children survived and will in the long run, have no lasting physical issues from this wreck, but is it wrong of me to say that sometimes that is just not enough for me? I ache so badly that it physically hurts me, I cannot imagine a day that I will not include him in all my planning.. I still cannot believe that he is gone and I am so very very alone. It's the silence, when everyone is asleep, and the world is quiet that it hurts so much that I feel physically ill. I keep saying the same thing over and over, I need to move forward, but all I see is that wreck, I see my beautiful husband laying on a gurney and hear and see him die as I held his very very cold hand. Will this ever end ? Will it ever feel as though I am part of this world that seems to madly spinning around me as I stand still, stuck in April, in a place that I do not know, on a trip that was never meant to end the way it did .. He was 31 years old, we had just barely started our life together, just made it out of the learning and fighting portion of our lives, we really were content, enjoying each other.. and now .. just silence.. When will this stop. I take so much medication just to get through the day, see the doctors, and therapists that they tell me to, and NOTHING IS WORKING .. I just feel like I died that day and my body is just on auto pilot .. I just don't know if I can go on another day like this..

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Permalink Reply by J on November 21, 2009 at 8:55am

Dear Teri-

I can completely relate to you comment "just made it out of the learning and fighting portion of our lives, we really were content, enjoying each other.. and now .. just silence" How frustrating it is to feel like your life was getting good and then you get the rug pulled out from under you? It's unfair. My husband was only 35, and while we were together for 17 years we were only married a little over a year. I understand the silence. I have the same problem....I turn on the radio or tv. It creates some background noise for me. I do have to be careful with music. Sometimes songs come on that bring out very intense emotions, or was a song he loved.
I wish I could help you. I don't know the answers to help ease your pain...just know that I am here feeling the same way and thinking of you and your family. I'm here if you want to talk......

Permalink Reply by David J. Fone on November 21, 2009 at 12:03pm

Teri, I can't even imagine the pain you're experiencing. The fact that you posted this at the break of dawn tells a great deal about your sleepless nights and how it's the first thing you think of in the morning and the last thing at night.

I grew up reading Ann Landers and Dear Abby every day, and whenever this kind of excruciating emotional pain came up, they always recommended sufferers to "get busy"....meaning filling your days with activities that will help OTHER people. Keep your days so full of (1) an extra part-time job; (2) offering your help to volunteer organizations; (3) being of service to your family, neighbors, friends, etc.; (4) and turning the energy generated by your grief, anger, and (justified) bitterness at the hand Fate dealt you into workouts, either speed-walking through your neighborhood or joining exercise/activity classes.

One of the reasons I got into the funeral/cemetery business was because I had, too, suffered losses that stayed with me, and by helping people in the same straits, I could help BOTH them and myself get through it. Seeing how great loss also afflicts other people helped take away my sense of feeling alone in the struggle. Knowing how staying so busy I simply didn't have time to think about my own pain helped put distance between it and my peace of mind.

Finally, consider the Candy Lightner/John Walsh approach. As you may know, Candy Lightner lost her beloved teenage daughter to a drunk driver. This so angered her that she spent timeless hours each day for months at a time to create Mothers Against Drunk Driving. As a result of her efforts on behalf of her daughter, state laws around the USA are now much, much tougher on drunk drivers. No, this doesn't bring her daughter back. However, it does help other people avoid her pain, for which so many are grateful to her. In short, Candy Lightner's daughter did not die in vain.

John Walsh, as you know, lost his son Adam to a depraved child murderer. John steered the immense energy created by such anger and unfairness into creating "America's Most Wanted", for which the FBI and state authorities credit for dozens of arrests and convictions. No one knows how many innocent people's lives have been saved by Walsh's efforts on behalf of his son.

On my own father's behalf, I help people that I don't want to see repeat my father's experience near the end of his life. Every time I see another family protected from what Dad was forced to endure, I feel like he's looking down from above, on one hand thanking me for sparing a family from his experience, and on the other forgiving me for not being able to do more for him when he needed it 21 years ago.

Teri, please remember: The pain, grief, sadness, anger, and fury you're feeling are all forms of energy. That energy can sit inside you and tear you apart, or it can fuel your efforts to spare other people from what Andrew and you went through. Have you considered volunteering your time at a hospital to help counsel families suddenly thrust into your own experience? Or, asking if a local church needs you to visit and console families who are hurting from a loss?

Please feel free, if you wish, to write me if I can help. For the last four years, I've been making up for my Dad's situation by helping other people endure (or avoid) life's unfair turns.

David J. Fone djfone@msn.com

Permalink Reply by linda woodbridge on November 21, 2009 at 8:20pm

DEAR TERI,

MY HEART JUST BREAKS TO HEAR HOW SAD AND ALONE YOU ARE TO. I KNOW THIS FEELING HONEY. I ALSO DO NOT HAVE THE RIGHT WORDS TO EASE YOUR PAIN, BUT I AM SO HERE IF YOU WANT TO TALK TO ME.TODAY IS ONE YEAR FOR ME.BEEN A VERY HARD DAY. CRYING IS ALL I DO. I HAVE MEDS TO. ANXIETY AND PANIC ATTACKS I HAVE ALSO. I HAVE FIBRO, VERY PAINFUL. MAY GOD HELP TO SOFTEN EACH DAY FOR YOU TERI. PEOPLE HAVE ASKED ME TO HELP OTHERS, WELL I CAN,T RIGHT NOW AS I CAN,T EVEN HELP ME. MAYBE ONE DAY I WILL. TALK TO YOU SOON TERI. LINDA

E-MAIL ME AT...winter60@tbaytel.net

Permalink Reply by BoLynn on November 21, 2009 at 9:25pm

Terri, my hear aches for you. Everything you are feeling, I am feeling. The 30th of this month makes it just 3 months since that horrible afternoon I held my husband's face close to mine, crying and saying good bye as he took his last 3 breaths and was gone. You are not alone. We feel your pain.

Permalink Reply by Teri on November 21, 2009 at 11:05pm

Thank you all for your replies, it means a lot to know that others feel this way as well, it helps with the feeling of watching the world fly by. I wish I could speak more about what happened that day, wish I could share how and when this all happened, but unfortunately its a legal issue now and I cannot give many details until it is finished.. Im sure if my lawyer knew I was even writing here it would give him a headache, but I am tired of having to protect my character when I was just a passenger in a car that never made it to where we were going. I can say that this happened in April of 2009, that it was exactly 30 days after my husbands 31st birthday and 2 months from our 4 th wedding anniversary. I know that I am still in shock even though it has been 7 months, and although I am told all the time that how I feel is a normal thing, I wish they could tell that directly to my heart. It is coming up on my very first holidays without him and I am finding it harder and harder to breathe every second. I so wish I could get up and help others, to keep busy , but to shower is almost to much for me to handle. Thankfully I have family that is helping to care for my children because I am still unable to do even the basics. I am trying my hardest to not self destruct but it feels as though every step I take to move forward I am shoved back 1000 ft , back into the whole I am trying to get out of . I am so stuck in the How could this happen , and why did this happen. We were hit from behind so I do not even remember the point of impact, just remember talking to my husband about the weather, and then waking up with him on top of me. The scenes from that day flash in my head like a trailor to a bad b movie and there is absolutely nothing that takes that away. I can hear them shocking his heart over and over and hear myself finally ask them to stop. In my head I was screaming, but have been told I was very composed through out the whole event, I just remember being the only one out of the four of us that seemed to have no injuries, but I guess thats what your body does when everything that ever mattered to you in the world is laying next to you and across from you on gurneys , covered in blood and vomit. I just wish it would start to ease up a little, but it doesnt, and I seem to punish myself for wanting it to, I listen to the songs he "gave" to me, I wear our wedding rings around my neck and I always use him in present tense. He is all I ever wanted. I knew the moment we met that he was it for me. and now, I am so very much alone and so very very destroyed knowing that I will never see him, hold him, feel his physical presence again ..It's in those few moments in the morning when before I open my eyes, my heart says " maybe this is all a dream that we will laugh about later" , and moments later , as I finally open my eyes, it hits me.. it's not a dream. It's all very very clear and there is nothing that anyone can ever do about it .. he is gone, my heart is gone with him and I don't think that I will ever be the same again.

Permalink Reply by Denise MacCallum on November 23, 2009 at 1:45pm

Dear Teri,
My heart goes out to you....I know how bad the pain can be at times....My husband died in my arms...He was perfectly healthy the beginning of July and by the end of October he was gone....Cancer had robbed him of his life and dignity...We were married young and for 40years....I buried him on our anniversary...I don't look forward to anything and with the holidays coming up it's even worse....People tell me that he is in a better place but the place that I want him to be is next to me....I cry all the time...My friends and family have been great but they are in a different world than me....I can only take a day at a time....They can look to the future....My future was taken away that morning and for reasons I still don't understand....I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers but I know that it will take time for us to go on....

Permalink Reply by David J. Fone on November 23, 2009 at 2:01pm

As I read these heart-rending stories of loss, I harken back to my days working at a San Diego cemetery, when I'd be graveside 250 times a year as we lowered a beloved husband, father, brother, son, wife, mother, sister, daughter, etc., to their final rest.

I'd look at all of those grieving people who now have this massive void in their lives and might possibly be now facing stupendous financial losses, too. And I'd wonder why this person had to die at a younger age than me, so powerfully impacting so many people who so loved him/her, when no one would be affected by my passing.

I am not married or attached. I have no children. My relatives are 2,000 miles away and busy with their own lives. Why am I still here, carrying on, while people whom so many count on for their own lives, are gone?

The clergy I've befriended through my cemetery and funeral home work tell me it's all part of a Master Plan, and that it's not for us to figure out. That doesn't come to any solace to those grieving and being reminded every hour, every day, of their loss.

I don't mind telling you that many times I've wondered why God doesn't take me, and let those counting on them live and remain healthy. Even though I don't have kids, this experience has taught me how so many parents would gladly give their own lives to protect their own children.

I just wish there was some way to prove that the pain will eventually go away, even though it seems impossible right now.

Permalink Reply by Pamela Thomas on November 23, 2009 at 2:01pm

Teri, please don't be so hard on yourself. You are normal, and dealing with a loss is a process. My husband passed away 2/7/09 and I sometimes feel the way you do. He was 45 years of age. You really have to create a new you. What is it that you enjoy? Do you need a vacation? Your husband wants and needs for you to enjoy life again? Just take it one day at a time, one moment at a time.

Pamela

Permalink Reply by Alberta L Priest on November 24, 2009 at 2:33am

Terri my sympathy to you on your loss I feel the same as you I lost my soulmate husband on10/0/09 of lung cancer and I feel so ALONE i CRY A LOT i CAN NOT EAT OR SLEEP WITHOUT THINKING OF HIM I KNOW HE IS IN A BETTER PLACE BUT I MISS HIM SO THEY SAID TIME HEALS EVERYTHING God will see us these have faith in him .I will keep you in my prayers

Permalink Reply by Alberta L Priest on November 24, 2009 at 2:39am

Alberta L Priest said:

Terri my sympathy to you on your loss I feel the same as you I lost my soulmate husband on10/0/09 of lung cancer and I feel so ALONE i CRY A LOT i CAN NOT EAT OR SLEEP WITHOUT THINKING OF HIM I KNOW HE IS IN A BETTER PLACE BUT I MISS have faith in him .I will keep you in my prayers

Permalink Reply by LORI E RIGGIO on November 27, 2009 at 6:00pm

Dear Teri, Words can not express the loss you are feeling. It seems like you are standing in the middle and the world is just going on without you. I lost my husband of 27yrs, the first love of my life in Oct. 2008. He went to work that day and fell over 40ft. to his death, while my oldest son watched. My heart hurts every day, just like yours. Your life and mine will never be the same, it will be so different. We are told that it will get easier, I want to believe that, but it is so difficult, when every where you look you see your Andrew and I see my Frank.
God Bless you, try to keep your chin up. Remember one day at a time, that is all we can do.

Permalink Reply by Missmylove47 on November 28, 2009 at 9:32pm

Dear Teri,

Oh sweetie, I am so sorry for the loss of your husband Andrew.
I understand your pain, I just lost my beloved husband just a month ago, October 26, 2009. From a sudden and unexpected death as well. My God Teri, you sound very depressed sweetie, I am concerned about your well being. It has been 7 months, and you still on so much pain.In your comment you mentioned about you're seeing doctors, doing therapy, and taking medications and nothing is working? Something must be wrong Teri. First you have to accept that your husband Andrew died, he is not longer HERE with you. Second of all, you need to realize that you "Still Alive'' and need to take care of yourself, how you are doing is just hurting yourself....giving up! Where is your faith in God Teri? I am sorry I no meant to be hard on you.....I just worry about you! You need to stand up and move on with your life, you must want to help yourself...no one can do that but you. Look around you, how many people loves, care & needs you right now?
You are so luck to have family to comfort you Teri. I don't ....I just have
my only daughter, and God to comfort me, and I making it! Believe me I feel so much pain right now, my heart is so broken in peaces, I miss so much the love of my life....my John. We were together for 10 years married almost 8 yrs. He and my daughter, and our 4 little poodles were everything I always could count on. He died it is very difficult, painful, and devastating. I cry off and on, I have bad days and better days. I feel lonely, suddenly all financial responsability is my shoulders. So look at the picture. Lonely, financial problems, no family to count on, daughter to take care, no job right now, because I quit my job to take care of husband full time cause he was very sick. Plus I have to grieve and find strengh and have clear mind to take control of my life again .......as a widow. I have no motivation for even go outdoors, but I push myself Teri. I am depressed too, I know I needed help ...so I saw my doctor, and he prescribed me antidepressive medication which actually is helping me. Please not expect someone to rescue you if don't want to be rescued...you need to wish to live and looking forward. Each one of us come to this world with a mission, and time to born and die. Life is a long journey for someone, and short for others. Your husband still alive in your heart and spiritual world, looking after you as an 'Angel'. His time in this world is over, nothing can bring him back he is in a better place. Your mission and life journey is not over yet....you must continue. One day, if you believe and trust God you will be reunited with your husband again Teri. Try to buy a book about grief for the loss of a spouse, I am reading one it is helping me, another think I can suggest you is write a journal, write a letter to your husband keep daily notes of how you feel. Eat well, take your vitamins, read a bible try Psalms:23 & Psalms: 91. Go to a church, maybe a quiet church during the day light some candles for your Andrew, talk to God to guide you and give you strengh. If I can do it.....you can too Teri. I am a nurse and I don't like what is see. How you are dealing with your loss. You need to fight it for your own sake Teri, and your family. Please pray....and let go, if not your husband spirit could not rest in peace. He wants you to be happy & move one with your life. Death Teri, is part of life. If you try it will get better.....take day by day. I don't know the circumstances of your husband death or what happened to him.....but be strong okay!
How old are you Teri? How long were you married?
Please let me know how you are doing please!
I am here write to me anytime.....you are not alone on this :)
God bless you and give you hope,peace and strengh.
Olivia