Greetings, everyone,

I would like to hear from folks what their opinions are regarding the advice that is usually given this time of year about Dealing With The Holidays?
It's not that I want to disrespect anyone's ideas, and I've only been widowed for five months (my husband died on 29 June 2009) - I've been reading a lot of things, and I have to admit that many of them leave me kind of cold - not that the ideas aren't good ones: getting out of the house, volunteering, spending time with friends, knowing your limitations, etc

It's just that I guess I'm looking for the "magic wand" that will dispel all the grief and pain...or I'm looking for validation for my desire to kind of spend the holidays alone (when I mention this to people, the reaction is Gasp! Horror! Shock! [ha])

Thanks, all!

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Yace, when my husband died - a week later I went to Italy. I had to get away, I was gone for a total of 5 weeks. I still had to come back and face reality, but I needed that time to myself. I know some people thought I was crazy but I just couldn't face people then. I took a little note book with me and each night I wrote to my husband and told him what I'd done that day and how I missed him so much. It did me good to be alone and writing to him was like sitting next to him and sharing my day. It you want to skip Christmas this year do it. It does help to write and let it all come out. This Christmas I'm having everyone here for Christmas, as we skipped Christmas at Mom's house (Mine) last year. It won't be the same. It doesn't feel the same - and I'm not really looking forward to it - but I'll be doing it anyway. Nothing feels the same - I'm really alone when a million people are around me, I don't know if that will ever change. But do what feels right to you. Don't worry about what others think or feel you should do. I've said more no's to things these last 19 months then I'd ever said before. If I don't want to go or do, I don't go or do it. People have a right to ask - but I have a right to say no. Hope this helps a little, Ruth
Yaca,
First off, my deepest sympathy, your pain is shared by all of us here in the group. If you find that "magic wand" please make sure you let me know so I can give you my address so I can have it for a day myself. As I learned in my support group over the past few weeks, what is right for you IS right, no matter what others may think or say or try to influence you to do. Grief is an ongoing, lifelong process. No matter what our friends may think, you don't "get over it" you move to the next stage and go from there. Always remember we are here for you to talk to you or just listen if that is what you need.
Great advice, Steve and Ruth. Follow your heart, not what others think is right for you.
I absolutely agree, Yaca, you need to take care of yourself, and that means being alone when you need to be alone. Those who gasp in horror and shock are just worried about you, because they care, but they don't truly understand what you are going through and how you need to deal with it. They might even worry that you'll get so depressed you'll try to take your own life. Just let them know that you will be okay, that you need this time for yourself, and that you'll see them after the holidays. For the ones closest to you who might be the most worried, maybe send them a text or email, even daily if they are really worried, to let them know you are okay and that you appreciate the gift of this time alone. It's hard for them, too, but right now you need to take care of yourself. God bless you, Yaca, and I pray you find some peace.
Wendela

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