Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Anita Simmons on November 24, 2009 at 10:58pm

Iris, Hi! Your story is a little like mine. I lost my fiance (4yrs together) from a horrific plan crash on Oct 26th. We were planning to move to Tenn to settle looking for the perfest cabin to build, a home together. We traveled everywhere, drove, played together and worked together. He was coming home for my birthday the next day. It's been 4 weeks and 2 weeks ago, Non stop crying. today, a tiny bit of relief from it. It's so hard but we have to go thru this. Would you ever trade your life with your husband to avoid this? I wouldn't and I don't believe you would either (the Dance by Garth Brookes). That thought helps me find small ways to cope. I walk late at night so no one can see me (who cares if they do) and I talk out loud to God and my Malcolm. I cry everytime too. Try to buy some Multi vit. B-12, Vit D and st johns wart. Eating is hard and the vits will help keep you healthy while finding the desire to eat again. Try sleeping on his side of the bed. Explain to everyone you aren't up to being around anyone but please hang at home just in case you need him. For noise, rent and watch all comedy shows and movies and please do try not to feel like your dishonoring your husband when you laugh. He wants you happy. Laughing helps. Routine will be hard. Write a list of your responsiblities and try to do 1 a day. If you can do more that day, go for it. Find a grief support group, here is a great start and keep going to church or start. It is going to take a little while for this train is moving very slow and it's not the ride I wanted to ever take.
I have to tell you. My fiance and I had a big ranch to play on and every Spring for app. a month I fo to pick wild Irises. I loved them and will miss them. They covered my house for I couldn't get enough of them.

You are my Iris now.

Permalink Reply by Missmylove47 on November 25, 2009 at 7:38am

Dear Iris,

How are you feeling today sweetie?
I am so sorry for the loss of your husband, my deeply condolences.
Hope you are feeling better. I know exactly how do you feel. Like you, I just lost my beloved husband John on October 26, 2009. We were together
for 10 years,and married for almost 8 yrs. We married on June 28, 2002.
It was a sudden and unexpected death as well. He died of a ruptured abdominal aortic aneurysm. It was sunday, just hours earlier we were watching the 'Miami Dolphins Football Game" on TV together in the family room, everything was normal like any other day. It happened so quick Iris, unbelievable. His aneurysm was big, but doctors didn't want to perform a surgery because it was too risk under his health conditions. He was also a dialysis patient for about 2 years. I am experiencing the same as you do. I just want to be alone as well. It is normal because we are grieving. I just leave my home if I have to, even then I have to push myself, sometimes it likes a nightmare that I want to woke up too. What keep me going is God and my only daughter, she is giving me a lot strenght and support, she also doesn't like when I cry, but my emotions is like a rollercoaster right now. I am learning to accept his death. Taking day by day. I know right now you see everything gray, and feel numb, it is hard to focus even to woke up every morning and take care of yourself and responsabilities. I know better than anyone else because I am going throught the same. Remember as hard it sounds, you have to be strong for your son, he needs you now more than ever. Specially if is having such a difficult time with the loss of his father. You have to push yourself, your husband unfortunately is gone. I keep asking God too why??? Everything have a reason to happen, we don't know why but God knows. Life is just a journey in this world, we all gonna die one day. We all come to this life with a mission, after we done is time to go. We have a day to born and die. You husband, and mine, finished their mission in here. Now they are living in a spiritual world, and looking after us as an angels. Sometimes God
place us in a very painful, and difficult situation to test our faith on him. My husband, I and my daughter were planning a beautiful & peaceful holiday as well. It will be our first without him. I am not motivated and I think you don't too, but we must try our best for our kids. We have to be mother and father now for them, they need us our strenght Iris. Can you sleep in your bed? Luck you....because I am not!
I still sleeping in the sofa, located at family room. I am not ready yet. My husband death too is keep playing in my mind over and over, like a movie. Also I feel guilt wishing I could have done more, but I shouldn't I did everything I could for him, people and his doctors keep telling me. It was just his time. One thing should comfort you Iris, your husband did not suffer, it was too quick. He still alive in your heart, and memories also in your son. One day, we will be reunited with them again, after we finish our time and mission in this world. Have faith in God, ask for his guidance and strenght. As soon as you can try to back to work again, it will help you by keeping yourself busy okay. Try to spend time with your son, go to movies, having a lunch together, take him to the park. Cry if you feel you want to, it helps. It does help me. I suggest you to buy a book from Barnes & Nobles bookstore, it is 'Grief for the loss of a spouse' I got one for myself just days after my husband died, it helped me to understand and deal better with my loss. Did your husband had any symptoms or heart problems before?
I am here for you if you need me okay. My name is Olivia. Just be strong time is the best healer. Always thinking about your son. My prayers & thoughts are with you. I am sending you a big hug....you're not alone :)
Take care. God Bless you, and give you strenght!

Permalink Reply by Brigitte on November 25, 2009 at 9:24am

Dear Iris,

There are no words that can be spoken to take away the pain you are feeling now. I lost my husband who was also my best friend and soul mate on July 17, 2009. My chest feels like a cannonball has hit it -- but each day that goes by and each tear that falls does make the pain less and less. Douglas was my hero and now he is my guardian angel. Every time I see a feather I tell myself that he is near me, watching over me, and encouraging me to move on and continue living. Our dreams are now "mine" but with some changes. He will always be in my heart -- that will never die. Just know that you are amongst friends and people who really know what you are feeling. Yes, family is important and friends as well. They say all the right things, but unless they have actually lost someone as close as we have they really don't understand the physical or emotional pain that goes along with grieving. It is okay to cry, to be angry, to scream (that actually makes me feel better), and to talk about your dear husband. Talk to anyone who will listen -- talk to yourself if you have to. What you will discover in time is that your "old" normal has been disrupted and now you are a journey to discover what your "new" normal is going to be. My heart goes out to you and I grieve your loss. You will get through this. Take care of yourself and remember that your son needs you. He depends on you to teach him about his dad -- good times and bad. Give yourself the time to grieve, to reflect, and to always remember the love you shared with Michael. That will give you great comfort!

Permalink Reply by Iris on November 25, 2009 at 9:26am

Thanks Anita, I know God will bring me through this with time please keep praying for me.

Anita Simmons said:

Iris, Hi! Your story is a little like mine. I lost my fiance (4yrs together) from a horrific plan crash on Oct 26th. We were planning to move to Tenn to settle looking for the perfest cabin to build, a home together. We traveled everywhere, drove, played together and worked together. He was coming home for my birthday the next day. It's been 4 weeks and 2 weeks ago, Non stop crying. today, a tiny bit of relief from it. It's so hard but we have to go thru this. Would you ever trade your life with your husband to avoid this? I wouldn't and I don't believe you would either (the Dance by Garth Brookes). That thought helps me find small ways to cope. I walk late at night so no one can see me (who cares if they do) and I talk out loud to God and my Malcolm. I cry everytime too. Try to buy some Multi vit. B-12, Vit D and st johns wart. Eating is hard and the vits will help keep you healthy while finding the desire to eat again. Try sleeping on his side of the bed. Explain to everyone you aren't up to being around anyone but please hang at home just in case you need him. For noise, rent and watch all comedy shows and movies and please do try not to feel like your dishonoring your husband when you laugh. He wants you happy. Laughing helps. Routine will be hard. Write a list of your responsiblities and try to do 1 a day. If you can do more that day, go for it. Find a grief support group, here is a great start and keep going to church or start. It is going to take a little while for this train is moving very slow and it's not the ride I wanted to ever take.
I have to tell you. My fiance and I had a big ranch to play on and every Spring for app. a month I fo to pick wild Irises. I loved them and will miss them. They covered my house for I couldn't get enough of them.

You are my Iris now.

Permalink Reply by Iris on November 25, 2009 at 9:29am

Hi Olivia, everything you said is so true. I know I have to be strong for my son and I will, with the prayers of my friends and family I will make it through this storm. Thanks for the encouraging words and your prayers.

Missmylove47 said:

Dear Iris,

How are you feeling today sweetie?
I am so sorry for the loss of your husband, my deeply condolences.
Hope you are feeling better. I know exactly how do you feel. Like you, I just lost my beloved husband John on October 26, 2009. We were together
for 10 years,and married for almost 8 yrs. We married on June 28, 2002.
It was a sudden and unexpected death as well. He died of a ruptured abdominal aortic aneurysm. It was sunday, just hours earlier we were watching the 'Miami Dolphins Football Game" on TV together in the family room, everything was normal like any other day. It happened so quick Iris, unbelievable. His aneurysm was big, but doctors didn't want to perform a surgery because it was too risk under his health conditions. He was also a dialysis patient for about 2 years. I am experiencing the same as you do. I just want to be alone as well. It is normal because we are grieving. I just leave my home if I have to, even then I have to push myself, sometimes it likes a nightmare that I want to woke up too. What keep me going is God and my only daughter, she is giving me a lot strenght and support, she also doesn't like when I cry, but my emotions is like a rollercoaster right now. I am learning to accept his death. Taking day by day. I know right now you see everything gray, and feel numb, it is hard to focus even to woke up every morning and take care of yourself and responsabilities. I know better than anyone else because I am going throught the same. Remember as hard it sounds, you have to be strong for your son, he needs you now more than ever. Specially if is having such a difficult time with the loss of his father. You have to push yourself, your husband unfortunately is gone. I keep asking God too why??? Everything have a reason to happen, we don't know why but God knows. Life is just a journey in this world, we all gonna die one day. We all come to this life with a mission, after we done is time to go. We have a day to born and die. You husband, and mine, finished their mission in here. Now they are living in a spiritual world, and looking after us as an angels. Sometimes God
place us in a very painful, and difficult situation to test our faith on him. My husband, I and my daughter were planning a beautiful & peaceful holiday as well. It will be our first without him. I am not motivated and I think you don't too, but we must try our best for our kids. We have to be mother and father now for them, they need us our strenght Iris. Can you sleep in your bed? Luck you....because I am not!
I still sleeping in the sofa, located at family room. I am not ready yet. My husband death too is keep playing in my mind over and over, like a movie. Also I feel guilt wishing I could have done more, but I shouldn't I did everything I could for him, people and his doctors keep telling me. It was just his time. One thing should comfort you Iris, your husband did not suffer, it was too quick. He still alive in your heart, and memories also in your son. One day, we will be reunited with them again, after we finish our time and mission in this world. Have faith in God, ask for his guidance and strenght. As soon as you can try to back to work again, it will help you by keeping yourself busy okay. Try to spend time with your son, go to movies, having a lunch together, take him to the park. Cry if you feel you want to, it helps. It does help me. I suggest you to buy a book from Barnes & Nobles bookstore, it is 'Grief for the loss of a spouse' I got one for myself just days after my husband died, it helped me to understand and deal better with my loss. Did your husband had any symptoms or heart problems before?
I am here for you if you need me okay. My name is Olivia. Just be strong time is the best healer. Always thinking about your son. My prayers & thoughts are with you. I am sending you a big hug....you're not alone :)
Take care. God Bless you, and give you strenght!

Permalink Reply by Iris on November 25, 2009 at 9:34am

Thanks for the encouragement .

Brigitte said:

Dear Iris,

There are no words that can be spoken to take away the pain you are feeling now. I lost my husband who was also my best friend and soul mate on July 17, 2009. My chest feels like a cannonball has hit it -- but each day that goes by and each tear that falls does make the pain less and less. Douglas was my hero and now he is my guardian angel. Every time I see a feather I tell myself that he is near me, watching over me, and encouraging me to move on and continue living. Our dreams are now "mine" but with some changes. He will always be in my heart -- that will never die. Just know that you are amongst friends and people who really know what you are feeling. Yes, family is important and friends as well. They say all the right things, but unless they have actually lost someone as close as we have they really don't understand the physical or emotional pain that goes along with grieving. It is okay to cry, to be angry, to scream (that actually makes me feel better), and to talk about your dear husband. Talk to anyone who will listen -- talk to yourself if you have to. What you will discover in time is that your "old" normal has been disrupted and now you are a journey to discover what your "new" normal is going to be. My heart goes out to you and I grieve your loss. You will get through this. Take care of yourself and remember that your son needs you. He depends on you to teach him about his dad -- good times and bad. Give yourself the time to grieve, to reflect, and to always remember the love you shared with Michael. That will give you great comfort!

Permalink Reply by J on November 26, 2009 at 8:32am

Dear Iris-

Please accept my deepest condolences on the loss of your husband. I just looked at your pictures and smiled! Your husband looked like a big teddy bear and I wanted to hug him!

As hard as it is to believe, you WILL get through this. My husband passed suddenly at the age of 35 on 10/4/09 (unknown reason autopsy pending). This Sunday will be 8 weeks since Brandon died and sometimes it feels like 8 years have gone by and other 8 days. I don't expect much from myself right now. The only way I've made it through is by getting up every day. Some days are worse than others but they always end and a new one happens. The despair that hits you in the beginning is so difficult and the holidays are definitely giving me a setback, as I'm sure a lot of others are feeling as well.

Do you have a lot of pictures you can look at of your husband? I found in the beginning that I loved looking at pictures, but recently it has been very painful and I don't look at them much. I know I'll go back when I'm ready. I don't know when that will be, but I try to follow what feels right for me at whatever moment I'm in. I think that's a lot of the healing process is following how you feel. Also, I make sure if anyone invites me anywhere that I accept if I'm available. Everyone goes back to their lives, but there are a core group of friends and co-workers (mine and my husband's) who have made the effort to keep in contact and make sure I get out. I really appreciate them and love them for helping me.

Are you sleeping and eating ok? I know I felt a lot worse when I wasn't getting adequate rest. My doctor gave me trazadone and I've been ok with it. I probably couldn't have made it this far without it. I ate in the beginning only because I thought I might be pregnant. Sadly, I wasn't and I have lost 15 lbs, but I make sure to eat at least 3 meals/day.

I also see a therapist once a week for 1 1/2 hours. She knew both my husband and myself and is really helping me. I know a therapist can be expensive, but I have made this one of my priority bills because I get so much benefit from it.

Please know that we are all here for you. We've been where you are (not all that long ago) and understand. I wish you and your family a Happy Thanksgiving even if it will be hard. Remember your wonderful husband, be thankful that you had him and cry if you need to. Please email me if you need support today. Thinking of you...Jennifer

Permalink Reply by Melissa Smith on December 4, 2009 at 8:08am

Hello I feel your pain and I am so sorry to hear about your loss, but if I can encourage you as a widow and have gone through it myself the days ahead will be tough but as you face the challenged days all I can say is take it one day at a time. I lost my husband too in May 2007. He was the best dad, my best friend, a caring and dear husband, my high school sweetheart and he meant so much to me. I thought I would not be able to go on without him. We have 2 girls and we were married for 15 years. My husband died of congestive heart failure but his wasn't a sudden death he was sick for some time before passing.

It's really not easy and I would be misleading you if I say it is. The one thing I have witnessed is people don't understand our pain they think that we can just pick up the pieces and keep it moving. Not true at all. I would say to you to first seek God and ask him to be there to hold you and give you peace and he will do just that especially in your midnight hours when you are feeling sad and that void of having your husband next to you in the bed. Also I would encourage you to let it out as much as possible talk about him and the pain you feel to your loved ones and your son. Always share good time and memories of him with your son because for kids it is really hard and they don't understand it all as grown people do. Take as much time as you need to grieve. I too didn't want a lot of people around and I still have that problem because they only make it worse asking questions what they need to do is just let you express yourself you are the one that need to vent. Don't hold any of your feelings in it is unhealthy and you will wind up getting sick and depressed. Always pray to God when you need strength. Start you a journal and write to you husband or just write about your day when you need to express yourself that is another way of heloping you to heal. I don't know how strong you are or how you feel about going to the cemetary but that is another way I find myself gaining strength when I am sad and want to cry I go and visit my husband at the cemetary and just stand there and talk to him it's healing for me and I felt like I have a part of him when I do that. It's been 2 years but it felt like it was just yesterday I really miss my husband a lot.

If you need someone to talk to or just someone to listen to you or just to hear you cry and pray with you I am willing to help you get through this in a healthy and spiritual way. Sometimes we don't always understand why God chooses to take our loved ones away but in it he will give us strength to make it.

My phone number is (301)967-7063 or you can always email me if you don't want to talk directly email- melissasmith922@verizon.net.

May God Bless You and stay encouraged you have to be the strength for you son your husband would not want you to fail as a single parent. Life will get better and take a deep breath and one day at a time and cry and talk about it as much as you feel.

Take Care and Be Strong.
Melissa (A Widow Trying To Encourage Another Widow)

Permalink Reply by shannon napier on December 4, 2009 at 8:25am

These are some very helpful things. I lost my husband to he was 35 on October 6th this year, in a really horrible car accident. We have 4 children. He was my everything and we also never were a day apart. What had helped me in this time of painful grief is first and foremost.. he wouldnt want me to be so sadened by this. He is in a much better place and very happy about it. Its painful for us but we have to have hope that we will be with them again. In all the tears I cry and how bad my heart will crumble when I imagine him playing and ticking his children and hearing htem laugh, I have to step back and say to myself at least I had those years with him and those children and I made his life full he made mine. I had the treasure of having true love thats do hard to fine. There are so many blessings in your life becuase of him and look at those instread of your pain. I know its hard, believe me sometimes I have to shake my head with disbelief but just keep talking to yourself , GOD and your husband. We all will heal from the loss just dont get stuck in sadness or anger. Your son needs you more than anything right now and I am sure you need him.. You are in my prayers as well as everyone else here that has lost someone.

Anita Simmons said:

Iris, Hi! Your story is a little like mine. I lost my fiance (4yrs together) from a horrific plan crash on Oct 26th. We were planning to move to Tenn to settle looking for the perfest cabin to build, a home together. We traveled everywhere, drove, played together and worked together. He was coming home for my birthday the next day. It's been 4 weeks and 2 weeks ago, Non stop crying. today, a tiny bit of relief from it. It's so hard but we have to go thru this. Would you ever trade your life with your husband to avoid this? I wouldn't and I don't believe you would either (the Dance by Garth Brookes). That thought helps me find small ways to cope. I walk late at night so no one can see me (who cares if they do) and I talk out loud to God and my Malcolm. I cry everytime too. Try to buy some Multi vit. B-12, Vit D and st johns wart. Eating is hard and the vits will help keep you healthy while finding the desire to eat again. Try sleeping on his side of the bed. Explain to everyone you aren't up to being around anyone but please hang at home just in case you need him. For noise, rent and watch all comedy shows and movies and please do try not to feel like your dishonoring your husband when you laugh. He wants you happy. Laughing helps. Routine will be hard. Write a list of your responsiblities and try to do 1 a day. If you can do more that day, go for it. Find a grief support group, here is a great start and keep going to church or start. It is going to take a little while for this train is moving very slow and it's not the ride I wanted to ever take.
I have to tell you. My fiance and I had a big ranch to play on and every Spring for app. a month I fo to pick wild Irises. I loved them and will miss them. They covered my house for I couldn't get enough of them.

You are my Iris now.

Permalink Reply by Pamela Thomas on December 8, 2009 at 8:12pm

Iris, I'm sorry for your loss. I lost my husband 2/7/09 due to lymphoma. We would of celebrated our 5th anniversary 4/27/09. Please don't be hard on yourself, if you want to be alone then be alone for right now. As for the holidays, I suggest that you take one day at a time. If your not up to it this year, then that's fine. Please find a support group at a church. If you want to email me personally, please feel free to trotwood83@yahoo.com Iris it's ok to cry, what state do you live in? I will be praying for you and your son.

Pamela

Permalink Reply by Susan W Reynolds on December 9, 2009 at 9:20am

Just do what you can do.. Try to be around people for just a short time. Set your limit and do not feel that you "have to " do anything.. Do the basics.
Take time for a warm bath with a lit candle with a beautiful fragrance. Ask a friend to buy you a new robe and slippers for Christmas, if they ask what they can do.. Get carry out and lay a blanket on the floor with your son and draw pictures with a new box of crayons. Some routine is good, but giving yourself permission to just be with the heartache is as important for your health as doing the same thing.
Ask yourself, what do I want to fill the day with? What can I change to support me?
Know that these answers will change from day to day or week to week.

Be good to yourself, you deserve it. He knew it ! Blessings to you.. Susan

www.revivalredesign.blogspot.com

Permalink Reply by Mrstucker00 on December 18, 2009 at 1:20am

Dear Iris my husband died of a heart attack on Wed Dec 16, 2009. This has been the hardest thing that I have ever done in my life preparing for his death. We were together for 18 yrs married for 9 we were going to celebrate our 10 anniversary on Feb 25 by going to Chicago and staying on Michigan Ave. Chicago was one of the 1st places that he ever took me. I can remember all of my girlfriends and my mom sayin you cant go out of town with this man you dont even know him (we had known each other less than 1month mind you lol) but I had one girlfriend who said girl you had better go you know you have never had anyone take you anywhere lol so I went and I knew on that trip Iris that he was the one!

I was a fresh 22 yr old and he was 31 and after that trip we had a whirlwind romance and moved in together less than 3 mos later. I have always said that God sent us to each other because he gave us a chance to create a family I had a son that was 2 he had a son that was 6 we each needed a parent for the other and we said lets do this and it was on lol. We had good times and bad but mostly I hold dearest how he took care of home and family. I know that tommorrow will be another day and that each day will get better I know that I have to stay strong and that I have to teach life lessons to my boys because he would have wanted that. Stay strong Iris and let your family and friends help you. Be blessed
Wanda Tucker