As the holidays approaching it becomes more and more difficult. It will be my first holiday without my beloved husband who just passed away 1 month ago. October 26, 2009. Thanksgiving was too painful to celebrate it, I just couldn't do it. A day before November 25, 2009. I was having a terrible day crying so much off and on, missing my husband so much wishing I could go to his grave, put some flowers and just cry as much as I could. I didn't go cause I don't think I am ready yet, It is too soon! Also my daughter doesn't like to see me crying it hurts her. She is my only daughter and is trying to protect me from pain and suffering. She is trying to be strong for me. She doesn't cry except at the ER when my husband died, at the funeral viewing, and his burial. My heart is so broken, I don't have any dreams with my husband, like he just vanished. It hurts so much. At same time I can't be so selfish and think about my only pain, my daughter is hurting too. She needs me and I have to be mother and father for her at the same time. I know I have to try to live my life as normal as I can, and I will try my best....husband is gone, but I still ALIVE and I need to accept it...and move on with God and my daughter beside me. I love my husband and he still alive in my heart. I carry his wedding band placed in my necklace, together with a diamond cross that he gave me as a gift when we were dating.
I know he is with me as my angel. I miss him so much. I have faith reading a bible, and prayers is helping me to become stronger day, by day. The memories of his sudden death, is keep playing over and over in my mind like a movie. God and his angels are helping me, and will continue. We all here need help....God bless all of us, and bring us peace in our hearts. Be strong my friends, time is a great healer!

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Replies to This Discussion

Dearest Missmylove47, I am so, so sorry for the death of your beloved. I am so sorry for your loss.

Please do NOT feel ANY obligation to "celebrate" the holidays - you have lost the love of your life, and you have had a hard fist to the body, a devastating blow!

Find places that you can cry without disturbing your daughter - my husband died on 29 June 2009; he was my second husband, and my kids hated him, so I couldn't really grieve around them. The oldest one (22), moved in with friends, and the younger ones (19 and 17) now live with their father and his new wife, so I am by myself, which is very helpful at times.

That being said, I've cried (and still do) a lot in the parking lot of supermarkets, the Post Office, the garage at work, the ladies' room at work . Ask the hospital if there is a hospice/bereavement group and see if someone from that group can visit - I am not necessarily saying to join a support group, just yet - my husband was in hospice for four days before he died, and the Bereavement Counselor visits me at home 1-2 times per month, which I have found really, really helpful.

It really helps to have one person you can cry your eyes out with, who will just sit with you and say nothing, but just be there. I also found something else very helpful, something that I pooh-poohed at first: I started writing in a small notebook just what I was feeling, no matter how "bad" it might sound to someone else - only YOU can see it, only YOU can read it.

Another suggestion, which also helped me: Many churches have quiet places you can find - you might find it helpful to sit in such a place and cry, grieve and mourn. I sat in the courtyard of my church many a time, and it was so peaceful and soothing - it really, really helped.

Ask any relatives that might be available to help your daughter celebrate the holidays - perhaps she could visit an aunt, uncle, grandparent or cousins on Christmas Day, and that would allow you not to feel so obligated to make the holiday for her.


Blessings, peace and comfort be upon you - Yaca Attwood
You have my deepest sympathy. I will tell you that Yaca is correct on finding that support person. I am connected through my local hospice where I attended a support group for 8 weeks and will probably go to a meeting on dealing with the holidays this week. This has always been a hard time of year for me as both my folks passed around New Year's within 3 years of each other and now with my wife gone it is an added burden.
Your daughter might still be in denial and seeing you cry might be showing here a reality she doesn't want to handle. Find a place in your house or somewhere else you can go when you feel those tears come on and let loose. Eventually, she will find her own and she will need you to show her that it's OK.
If the hospital does not have connections to a hospice, which is where you find your best support, even if the death was not expected, the funeral home should have contact information. Please keep in contact. We are all in the same place with you and care about you & your family.
Hi Yaca, Thank you so much for your support and help. I do appreciate that! I am sorry for you loss.

This too is my second marriage, I lost my previous husband back in December 05, 1999 from lung cancer(caused by smoke) He died just a day before our wedding aniversary. My daughter at that time was just 14 years old, starting in high school. I felt so lonely, cause I have no family or relatives in here. It was very hard for both of us, just hanging in each other and God to help us. I was so numb with the loss, but I had to drive and pick up my daughter at school. Actually she was sad but handled it very well. At that time I remember about asking the school for a conselor for help my daughter just in case, if she needed it.

Soon after my husband passed away, it was just days before Christmas so I didn't want to be at my house without my husband. I decided to go away, I went to Disney World with my daughter, just two of us. I took a little Christmas tree, and table cloth to the hotel for a little Christmas decoration. We had Christmas dinner at the hotel restaurant, and I tried my best trying to enjoy the holidays. After 12 days visiting all parks at Disney including Universal studios we came back home. I drove the car myself which takes 4 or 4 1/2 from where I lived.

Just after 5 months after my first husband passed away, I met this wonderful man who we married 2 years later on June 28, 2002. He wanted commitment right way but I was numb emottionally, and grieving for the lost of my first husband. I told him....he answered me that he would wait. With his love and dedication, I fall in love with him, we loved each other so much we were soulmates a match from heaven. I never felt so complete, comfortable and in love with someone else before.

Our wedding was such a beautiful event, the words we exchanged during the ceremony, the priest and the background song. It was unforgettable. I have the tape but I am not ready to watch it yet. Yaca, like you I had the same problem with my daughter, she was very jealous and was not accepting my new husband. She didn't like him at the beggining. It was very hard on me cause I loved both of them, besides she is my only daughter. My second husband John, was a very affectionate husband, always kissing and hugging me. Telling me every single day how much he loved me. My daughter couldn't stand seeing that. Sometimes she would cry, thinking that I loved him more than her. I tried to explain to her so many times that we love people in different ways, also I reminded her every single day, and still how much I love her. Nobody can change that I am her Mother. With time she became little more flexible, but once a while she would argue with her stepfather for nothing. Deeply inside she never accepted him as her stepfather I guess. Was not wrong about him, He was a wonderful, husband and father for her. She thinks that a new man in my life wants to replace her father, and she doesn't like that. We had many conversations about this issue. Now after he passed away, she missed him(can anyone understand?) I told her that I am not looking for another realtionship in the future, cause I am in love with her stepfather who just passed away. In my heart I still married to him, and my heart belongs to him. That is the way I want to be alone. She doesn't agree because I am just 47 years old, and she doesn't to see me alone in the future, after she moves out one day to live alone by herself. I will be ok...I told her. I have God and my John still alive in my heart, and looking after me from heaven. I am thankful for the 10 years God gave us together, loving and caring for each other the way we did. I do cry front to my daughter because is important she understand, that is okay to cry and grieve. Cry actually helps me I feel stronger after. She has to learn that, death is part of life.

Soon after my husband died last month, I went at a local church where my husband and I, used to go. It is a quiet church, I talked with the pastor, and went to the chapel( Oh boy I was so desperated for comfort) I had daughter with me we both prayed, and lighted candles for my beloved husband. About grieve group, my husband was an Veteran so I can actually ask my doctor to sign me up with one of grieve conselors if I need to, but I guess I will be okay. I just have up and downs, cry off and on. Sometimes even when I drive my car(he died inside my car in the way to the hospital) in the passenger seat. Hard isn't????

I was very depressed, so my doctor prescribed me some anti-depressant medication. It is helping me as well. As a Nurse, I don't like to take any medications unless I have to, but it have to be monitored by a right doctor. Never take any medication including herbs without consult a doctor. I do recognize that I need to take it now I am depressed, but getting better. We should look for a medical help when we need it, before it gets worse. Yaca no, I don't feel any obligation to celebrate holidays, Christmas always have been my favorite holiday, I enjoy it.....also we celebrate the birth of Jesus. It is such a peaceful holiday. I know my John wants me and daughter to keep going without him. It will not be a big celebration like it used to be with husband, but I will do a little decoration, inside and out of house.Do little shopping for me and daughter, cook something small at home for dinner......just me, my daughter and our 4 little white little poodles dogs...and of course God. Yes, I do write a journal about my feelings,thoughts and dreams I having. It helps....also I am reading(I love to read) a grief book for the loss of a spouse. When I am having a bad day I read a bible Psalms: 23 it helps a lot.

Sorry to hear that you are all alone by yourself....but you are NOT alone as you think Yaca, you have us here your friends from Legacy.com and God. We all are going through the same. We can't see each other but we can feel one another pain. What are you do anything for the holidays?

If you need someone to talk, I am here okay:)
God bless you! Have faith.
Olivia


Yaca Attwood said:
Dearest Missmylove47, I am so, so sorry for the death of your beloved. I am so sorry for your loss.

Please do NOT feel ANY obligation to "celebrate" the holidays - you have lost the love of your life, and you have had a hard fist to the body, a devastating blow!

Find places that you can cry without disturbing your daughter - my husband died on 29 June 2009; he was my second husband, and my kids hated him, so I couldn't really grieve around them. The oldest one (22), moved in with friends, and the younger ones (19 and 17) now live with their father and his new wife, so I am by myself, which is very helpful at times.

That being said, I've cried (and still do) a lot in the parking lot of supermarkets, the Post Office, the garage at work, the ladies' room at work . Ask the hospital if there is a hospice/bereavement group and see if someone from that group can visit - I am not necessarily saying to join a support group, just yet - my husband was in hospice for four days before he died, and the Bereavement Counselor visits me at home 1-2 times per month, which I have found really, really helpful.

It really helps to have one person you can cry your eyes out with, who will just sit with you and say nothing, but just be there. I also found something else very helpful, something that I pooh-poohed at first: I started writing in a small notebook just what I was feeling, no matter how "bad" it might sound to someone else - only YOU can see it, only YOU can read it.

Another suggestion, which also helped me: Many churches have quiet places you can find - you might find it helpful to sit in such a place and cry, grieve and mourn. I sat in the courtyard of my church many a time, and it was so peaceful and soothing - it really, really helped.

Ask any relatives that might be available to help your daughter celebrate the holidays - perhaps she could visit an aunt, uncle, grandparent or cousins on Christmas Day, and that would allow you not to feel so obligated to make the holiday for her.


Blessings, peace and comfort be upon you - Yaca Attwood
Hi steve,

How are you? Thanks for your reply, and encouragement. I do appreciate!

I am so sorry for your loss, when did your wife passed away? It must be hard on you Steve. I don't think my beloved husband John, who just passed away last month would do without me. Just the thought of something happen to me would bring him to tears, and he would say" NO HONEY NOTHING WILL HAPPEN TO YOU" you are my honey.....I couldn't make without you. He would tell me that every time I asked him to be more independent just in case if I get sick, or something else could occur.He was very sick, dialysis patient, diabetes, aortic abdominal aneurysm, stroke, bypass heart surgery, stroke, etc. I was his wife and caregiver, I gave him all his meds (15 or more) plus insulin, checked all his vital signs many times during the day, to control his blood pressure and sugar. Prepared him for his dialysis treatment 3x times a week (four hours session each)taking him to doctors appointments(he didn't drive anymore) cooked and prepared his meals, helped him to shower, and I shaved his beard) Also I had to take care of anything else, because he was very weak and tired most of time,this happens to dialysis patients. I was exausted physically and mentally, but I always had a smile,a kiss, a hug and comforted him. Lately on he have been hospitalized many times, each time was very stressful to me, and daughter. But somehow he always bounced back and made it. He was 72 years old Veteran. I was living in fear, and terrified of lose my husband. Only the thought of this happen, would make me cry and be afraid, I couldn't see my life without him. He was my everything the love of my life, for 10 years. The only thing that bring me comfort Steve,is the fact that he is not suffering anymore pain. It was hurting me seeing him suffering so much, and depending in a dialysis machine in order to be alive.

My love for him is so strong, that I have to accept my loss even if my heart is in peaces and broken, God called him because he was on pain and deteriorating. He died so sudden that I even had no chance to say " I love You OR Goodbye my love''

I learned that God doesn't give us more than we can take, and I have faith,God is guiding and watching over me, daughter,and our 4 white little poodles. I miss him badly, his roller walker still in the front porch of our home, when I look into his pictures and I see his sweet face, his beautiful smile, his lovely hazel eyes. I can't help myself but cry. If I had the power to bring him back Steve, I would but not sick.....bring him back in good health. I remember after he died at ER, I was looking at his dead body, with tubes in his mouth(used to try to save him) his limp body....I place my hands on his chest over his heart and I said, If I just could make my heart beat for both of us I would. I was crying, shaking, calling his name....without any answer. Was his time to go. He faced death before many times at hospital, sometimes I thought that we would not make....but God always brought him back.....but not this time :(

As I mentioned to Yaca, I don't think I need any support group OR grieve conselor right now, cause I am getting better little by little. I read a bible Psalms:23 is one of my favorite, I am writing a journal about my feelings, thoughts and dreams. I don't dream about my husband, I just had two very short dreams...since his death. I cry off and on.....cry actually makes I feel better, it makes me stronger. I cry front to daughter even she doesn't like it, cause she has to understand that grieve is important....and cry is part of it, also death is part of live. In my opinion she is avoiding feel pain, cause she lost her father back in December 05, 1999. When she was just 14 years old. This is a second big loss in 10 years apart. She just lost he stepfather, she is trying to protect herself, and me by avoiding pain. Hopefully, she will realize that is okay to cry, and in order to a person to heal after a loss of a loved one, is to grieve as long it is necessary.

How are you doing with the support group, is it helping? I know holidays are a very hard time for all of us in here. We all have something in common loss of our loved ones. I would like to know how you are doing Steve.
I am here if you need someone to talk to....thanks again for your support,please take care of yourself. God bless you, and give you strengh!

Olivia


Steve Cain said:
You have my deepest sympathy. I will tell you that Yaca is correct on finding that support person. I am connected through my local hospice where I attended a support group for 8 weeks and will probably go to a meeting on dealing with the holidays this week. This has always been a hard time of year for me as both my folks passed around New Year's within 3 years of each other and now with my wife gone it is an added burden.
Your daughter might still be in denial and seeing you cry might be showing here a reality she doesn't want to handle. Find a place in your house or somewhere else you can go when you feel those tears come on and let loose. Eventually, she will find her own and she will need you to show her that it's OK.
If the hospital does not have connections to a hospice, which is where you find your best support, even if the death was not expected, the funeral home should have contact information. Please keep in contact. We are all in the same place with you and care about you & your family.
Olivia, It's amazing how you took care of your love all these years. I admire your strength and deep love.

I have asked my Bo to come into my dreams just once so I can kiss him and hug him again and hear him call me, "Babygirl" once more. It's almost 3 months and he has not appeared in any of my dreams. I will be patient for I know he will come to me one beautiful night.

Missmylove47 said:
Hi steve,

How are you? Thanks for your reply, and encouragement. I do appreciate!

I am so sorry for your loss, when did your wife passed away? It must be hard on you Steve. I don't think my beloved husband John, who just passed away last month would do without me. Just the thought of something happen to me would bring him to tears, and he would say" NO HONEY NOTHING WILL HAPPEN TO YOU" you are my honey.....I couldn't make without you. He would tell me that every time I asked him to be more independent just in case if I get sick, or something else could occur.He was very sick, dialysis patient, diabetes, aortic abdominal aneurysm, stroke, bypass heart surgery, stroke, etc. I was his wife and caregiver, I gave him all his meds (15 or more) plus insulin, checked all his vital signs many times during the day, to control his blood pressure and sugar. Prepared him for his dialysis treatment 3x times a week (four hours session each)taking him to doctors appointments(he didn't drive anymore) cooked and prepared his meals, helped him to shower, and I shaved his beard) Also I had to take care of anything else, because he was very weak and tired most of time,this happens to dialysis patients. I was exausted physically and mentally, but I always had a smile,a kiss, a hug and comforted him. Lately on he have been hospitalized many times, each time was very stressful to me, and daughter. But somehow he always bounced back and made it. He was 72 years old Veteran. I was living in fear, and terrified of lose my husband. Only the thought of this happen, would make me cry and be afraid, I couldn't see my life without him. He was my everything the love of my life, for 10 years. The only thing that bring me comfort Steve,is the fact that he is not suffering anymore pain. It was hurting me seeing him suffering so much, and depending in a dialysis machine in order to be alive.

My love for him is so strong, that I have to accept my loss even if my heart is in peaces and broken, God called him because he was on pain and deteriorating. He died so sudden that I even had no chance to say " I love You OR Goodbye my love''

I learned that God doesn't give us more than we can take, and I have faith,God is guiding and watching over me, daughter,and our 4 white little poodles. I miss him badly, his roller walker still in the front porch of our home, when I look into his pictures and I see his sweet face, his beautiful smile, his lovely hazel eyes. I can't help myself but cry. If I had the power to bring him back Steve, I would but not sick.....bring him back in good health. I remember after he died at ER, I was looking at his dead body, with tubes in his mouth(used to try to save him) his limp body....I place my hands on his chest over his heart and I said, If I just could make my heart beat for both of us I would. I was crying, shaking, calling his name....without any answer. Was his time to go. He faced death before many times at hospital, sometimes I thought that we would not make....but God always brought him back.....but not this time :(

As I mentioned to Yaca, I don't think I need any support group OR grieve conselor right now, cause I am getting better little by little. I read a bible Psalms:23 is one of my favorite, I am writing a journal about my feelings, thoughts and dreams. I don't dream about my husband, I just had two very short dreams...since his death. I cry off and on.....cry actually makes I feel better, it makes me stronger. I cry front to daughter even she doesn't like it, cause she has to understand that grieve is important....and cry is part of it, also death is part of live. In my opinion she is avoiding feel pain, cause she lost her father back in December 05, 1999. When she was just 14 years old. This is a second big loss in 10 years apart. She just lost he stepfather, she is trying to protect herself, and me by avoiding pain. Hopefully, she will realize that is okay to cry, and in order to a person to heal after a loss of a loved one, is to grieve as long it is necessary.

How are you doing with the support group, is it helping? I know holidays are a very hard time for all of us in here. We all have something in common loss of our loved ones. I would like to know how you are doing Steve.
I am here if you need someone to talk to....thanks again for your support,please take care of yourself. God bless you, and give you strengh!

Olivia


Steve Cain said:
You have my deepest sympathy. I will tell you that Yaca is correct on finding that support person. I am connected through my local hospice where I attended a support group for 8 weeks and will probably go to a meeting on dealing with the holidays this week. This has always been a hard time of year for me as both my folks passed around New Year's within 3 years of each other and now with my wife gone it is an added burden.
Your daughter might still be in denial and seeing you cry might be showing here a reality she doesn't want to handle. Find a place in your house or somewhere else you can go when you feel those tears come on and let loose. Eventually, she will find her own and she will need you to show her that it's OK.
If the hospital does not have connections to a hospice, which is where you find your best support, even if the death was not expected, the funeral home should have contact information. Please keep in contact. We are all in the same place with you and care about you & your family.
Hi again Linda,

Oh thanks....I tried my best Linda to keep my honey alive, I was taking more care of him than I did to myself. My doctors and nurses at Veteran Hospital, always reminded me to take care of myself as well to not get sick. I have health problems as well, I am diabetic type II. Since I met my husband in 2000, he health was so so....he had diabetic type I he was only taking pills for that, then in 2001 he had quadruple bypass heart surgery, and after that he started in the insulin to control his diabetes, also he had an aortic abdominal aneurism but was small under control by VA doctors. He lived alone when we started date in 2000, I used to help him as much as I could at that time with his meds, cooking, go with him at doctors appointment etc. I lived alone with my daughter at that time.

Then after a year engaged on June 28, 2002 we got married. On September the same year he had a kidney failure it almost cost his life. Since then his health have been deteriorating with the years. He was very strong...he tried his best to back to normal again. In my part I was doing everything as wife to take care of him, keeping him healthy and as comfortable as I could. I probably saved his life about 3 or 4 times. I was very familiar with his meds I know them by memory, and all his medical conditions. His last hospitalization was last July, 2009. The catheter he used for his dialysis became infected, I noticed at home a discharge spot coming from the catheter, it was yelow. I knew it was infection, also his leggs were became weaker, so he couldn't walk much. I drove about 1 hour and 15 minutes to Emergency Room at VA hospital, we had to wait 6 hours in the waiting room. crazy isnt? He was admited, next day while I was visiting him on his room I noticed something was wrong with him, he was not talking trouble to recognize people, unable to swallow. I insisted to see a night doctor, I knew that something was terrible wrong with him. After, so many attempts finally I got 2 doctors to see my husband....while they were reviewing his chart, he got worse and was in code. In a minute had about 15 people working on him, he stopped breathing, his blood pressure was too high or too low, doctors and nurses were pumping air into his mouth. I was outside his room door watching everything, crying and shaking, my daughter was beside me seating in a chair. They called the emergency team twice before finally taking him to Intensive Care Unity, and placed tubes in his throat(he was unable to breath by his own) the doctors diagnosed him as 'SEPSIS' condition, that the infection gets in the bloodstream, and bacteria grows in the blood, if not treated on time it can kill a person. It is a very very serious condition. After that in my heart I kew it that he would make it...I don't know I just felt. He stayed at hospital for about little over a month, cause he was having trouble to control his blood pressure. Also he was having physical therapy at the hospital before being discharged home. He back home in the beggining of September. He was doing very well.Doctors increased his blood pressure medication, and he resumed his dialysis 3x times a week. The doctors were so impressed that he made it so well. October 3, was his birthday on October 26, he passed away:( I feel guilt sometimes linda wishing I could have done more, his primary doctor at VA she is my doctor as well, she called me and told me that everyone that she mentioned my husband death felt so sorry for me, caused I was a very caring supportive wife, and loved and cared for him so much. She said that I did everything I could, his body just gave up, she was surprised he lived that long under his medical condition.She told me now I have to take care of myself.

I think he lived that long linda, because he loved me so much that he didn't want to leave me alone :(
I can't understand Linda, why I can't have dream with him. It is like he just vanished ....where???? Sometimes I look at his picture crying, telling him that I miss his kisses, his arms around me comforting me, my head on his chest, his smile, his sweet eyes looking at me with love, telling me everything would be okay. I used to tease him and call him sweet names, like 'teddy Bear' cause he was sweet and hairy. My boy, and other funny names......he loved it! He sometimes would call me mommy which made my daughter very jealous LOL.
We called each other honey, all the time......I miss that!

He was like a big kid, he liked when I tucked him in the bed and covered him up with blanket. He slept like a baby :) no matter what he always made me laugh. We were so good together God. Part of me went with him Linda....my heart.
I ask God many times, to keep him alive.....don't take him from me yet, but God has the last word right?

Since when you husband had cancer?
Olivia



Linda said:
Olivia, It's amazing how you took care of your love all these years. I admire your strength and deep love.

I have asked my Bo to come into my dreams just once so I can kiss him and hug him again and hear him call me, "Babygirl" once more. It's almost 3 months and he has not appeared in any of my dreams. I will be patient for I know he will come to me one beautiful night.

Missmylove47 said:
Hi steve,

How are you? Thanks for your reply, and encouragement. I do appreciate!

I am so sorry for your loss, when did your wife passed away? It must be hard on you Steve. I don't think my beloved husband John, who just passed away last month would do without me. Just the thought of something happen to me would bring him to tears, and he would say" NO HONEY NOTHING WILL HAPPEN TO YOU" you are my honey.....I couldn't make without you. He would tell me that every time I asked him to be more independent just in case if I get sick, or something else could occur.He was very sick, dialysis patient, diabetes, aortic abdominal aneurysm, stroke, bypass heart surgery, stroke, etc. I was his wife and caregiver, I gave him all his meds (15 or more) plus insulin, checked all his vital signs many times during the day, to control his blood pressure and sugar. Prepared him for his dialysis treatment 3x times a week (four hours session each)taking him to doctors appointments(he didn't drive anymore) cooked and prepared his meals, helped him to shower, and I shaved his beard) Also I had to take care of anything else, because he was very weak and tired most of time,this happens to dialysis patients. I was exausted physically and mentally, but I always had a smile,a kiss, a hug and comforted him. Lately on he have been hospitalized many times, each time was very stressful to me, and daughter. But somehow he always bounced back and made it. He was 72 years old Veteran. I was living in fear, and terrified of lose my husband. Only the thought of this happen, would make me cry and be afraid, I couldn't see my life without him. He was my everything the love of my life, for 10 years. The only thing that bring me comfort Steve,is the fact that he is not suffering anymore pain. It was hurting me seeing him suffering so much, and depending in a dialysis machine in order to be alive.

My love for him is so strong, that I have to accept my loss even if my heart is in peaces and broken, God called him because he was on pain and deteriorating. He died so sudden that I even had no chance to say " I love You OR Goodbye my love''

I learned that God doesn't give us more than we can take, and I have faith,God is guiding and watching over me, daughter,and our 4 white little poodles. I miss him badly, his roller walker still in the front porch of our home, when I look into his pictures and I see his sweet face, his beautiful smile, his lovely hazel eyes. I can't help myself but cry. If I had the power to bring him back Steve, I would but not sick.....bring him back in good health. I remember after he died at ER, I was looking at his dead body, with tubes in his mouth(used to try to save him) his limp body....I place my hands on his chest over his heart and I said, If I just could make my heart beat for both of us I would. I was crying, shaking, calling his name....without any answer. Was his time to go. He faced death before many times at hospital, sometimes I thought that we would not make....but God always brought him back.....but not this time :(

As I mentioned to Yaca, I don't think I need any support group OR grieve conselor right now, cause I am getting better little by little. I read a bible Psalms:23 is one of my favorite, I am writing a journal about my feelings, thoughts and dreams. I don't dream about my husband, I just had two very short dreams...since his death. I cry off and on.....cry actually makes I feel better, it makes me stronger. I cry front to daughter even she doesn't like it, cause she has to understand that grieve is important....and cry is part of it, also death is part of live. In my opinion she is avoiding feel pain, cause she lost her father back in December 05, 1999. When she was just 14 years old. This is a second big loss in 10 years apart. She just lost he stepfather, she is trying to protect herself, and me by avoiding pain. Hopefully, she will realize that is okay to cry, and in order to a person to heal after a loss of a loved one, is to grieve as long it is necessary.

How are you doing with the support group, is it helping? I know holidays are a very hard time for all of us in here. We all have something in common loss of our loved ones. I would like to know how you are doing Steve.
I am here if you need someone to talk to....thanks again for your support,please take care of yourself. God bless you, and give you strengh!

Olivia


Steve Cain said:
You have my deepest sympathy. I will tell you that Yaca is correct on finding that support person. I am connected through my local hospice where I attended a support group for 8 weeks and will probably go to a meeting on dealing with the holidays this week. This has always been a hard time of year for me as both my folks passed around New Year's within 3 years of each other and now with my wife gone it is an added burden.
Your daughter might still be in denial and seeing you cry might be showing here a reality she doesn't want to handle. Find a place in your house or somewhere else you can go when you feel those tears come on and let loose. Eventually, she will find her own and she will need you to show her that it's OK.
If the hospital does not have connections to a hospice, which is where you find your best support, even if the death was not expected, the funeral home should have contact information. Please keep in contact. We are all in the same place with you and care about you & your family.
Dear Missmylove: I too, lost my husband just 3 weeks ago. He died on his 47th birthday, November 8, 2009. He was diagnosed with brain cancer in May 2008. They gave him a year but he lived 18 months. I have an 11-year old daughter. My husband slowly lost all his motor functions and was bedridden for 2 1/2 months before he died. We took care of him as he lay there slipping away. He slept all the time except when I had to wake him to take his medicine or feed him. He was so helpless and that made me so sad. But I stayed strong and focused on his care. My daughter saw that strength and embraced it herself. God blessed us by guiding us through the hardest days of our lives. It is through Him that we can move forward with our lives. I have been to my husband's grave every day since the funeral. I find peace there and I can pray and cry. People have said to me, "Be prepared. It will be hard around the holidays", but you know what I say? I say, "Hey. Everyday is hard. Why should one day be more difficult than the next just because it's a holiday?" So, don't anticipate or "plan on" being more let down on a holiday or another special day just because it's what society tells us. Change your mindset and you'll get through every minute, then every hour, then every day, from one day to the next, and so on. I hope this strategy helps as it has helped us so far. Of course, you will have your good and bad days, but they won't be "planned" as people will have you think. Take care, and God bless you and your family.

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