Like most of you, I am having a hard time with the thought of the holidays to come. I made it through Thanksgiving and was very impressed with myself that I did. I tried to do everything as normal as possible. I cooked dinner as I always have, had the whole family over just like always, but I could not wait for everyone to leave. My goal for the day was to get it over with. I wanted to go to the cemetary and spend the afternoon with Tom. I finally made it to be with him around 4:30 and sat with him for a while in the dark. That was my only comfort of the whole day. Now, I can say one more of the "firsts" done and over with...on to the next set of "firsts".
I think, even more than Thanksgiving, I am dreading Christmas. This is such a huge holiday in our house. Putting up the tree is the beginning of all our festivities. I really did not want a tree, but I do have a 14 year old and it's not fair to him. He's already lost enough, to lose tradition too, would be too much. I found a Hallmark ornament that is a remembrance ornament. It's a heart with silver stars and a place for a picture. The front says, "Remembered with Love". On the back it has a saying, "The true testament of a life well-lived is the love we leave behind". We have decided that this is the only real ornament going on the tree. The tree will honor Tom. We have decided to pair it with silver and red. We are going to use red and silver ball decorations and red lights, and Tom's ornament front and center. Now, I am more eager to put up the tree. Knowing that it will be all about Tom makes me feel more comfortable with the whole process.
I feel like everything I do is to honor Tom. I think I am so afraid of losing him, the memory of him, that if I keep him present everyday in every aspect of our lives he will always remain with me.
Wishing comfort to all of you, especially this time of year.
Peace to you all.
Marlena (and Tom)
Always and Forever