How is everyone dealing with lack of energy, and motivation after the loss?

Hi everyone,
I would like to know how everyone is dealing, with lack of physical energy, and motivation level.
Have been little over a month that I lost my beloved husband "John" he died on October 26, 2009. We were together for 10 years and married for almost 8. My physical energy is low lately, I have to push myself even to go to a grocery store. I have no motivation for anything. I just take day by day, and do what I can. I take care what is priority and urgent, things that can't wait. My mind thanks God is clear. Sometimes I have to ask God to help me by giving me physical strength because I feel so weak. I ate, take vitamins, take care of my daughter and 4 little poodles( my babies) motivation is none right now. But I don't give up, I try my best to keep going, and been optimistic about my future with daughter. I just noticed that it takes so much a energy from a person, after the loss of a loved one, like me and others here in Legacy.com. Sometimes, I just wanted be left alone and don't do much of anything. When I feel that way I just listen to my body and mind, and try to be kind to myself by resting, and don't dealing with any stressful situation at the momment.
Is anyone feeling the same way as I do?

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I thought I was really getting sick - I have no drive, no ambition, and I don't care if I get them back. All I want to do is watch TV when I get home from work. Thank the Lord I have a dog that keeps me sane cause she needs my care, etc. but without my husband around me every day - I'm lost.
Dear Olivia-

Yes, I am having the same difficulties. Since Brandon passed I have made myself get up every morning, take a shower and get dressed. Some days that doesn't happen until 3pm, but it happens. My house looks like a tornado hit it and it's very frustrating, but I don't have the energy to clean. I have spurts of energy about once every 2 weeks and so some things get accomplished, but not much.

I understand about pushing yourself to go to the grocery store. I have to do the same thing. I used to cook 5 nights/week and so planning meals, grocery shopping and cooking were big parts of my life. I have cooked one meal since 10/4/09 everything else has been frozen, or something that someone has brought to the house.

I don't let the lack of motivation discourage me though. I try to be easy on myself. As much as I want the house clean, I let it be dirty until I find that sweet spot of motivation and then try to get lots done. It's very hard though, and very easy to get 'stuck' (that's why I at least push myself to get out of bed every day).
Last weekend I found that motivation and cleaned our bedroom and the bathrooms. It felt and feels really good to walk in those rooms now and that has given me even more motivation. I'm taking baby steps and hoping that they lead to adult steps one day.

Grieving is really, really hard work.
First of, fantastic picture. I am in the same place as you except I have no one or nothing to motivate me out of bed. I sleep about 12 hrs a day leaving me in bed til 2 or 3 p.m. Eating hasn't changed a lot. If my daughter comes and cooks I will eat but cooking, it makes me sick to my stomach. I just went to the store and got vitamins for depression cause it is so bad. I have no energy at all and I was suprised when I was told to stay off of any stimulants to increase my energy for it causes more depression. Olivia, as you know we share the same horrible day and it seems like just yesturday. I can not get it out of my mind, no matter how hard I try. Friends get angry cause they want me back. I can't come back for its like this grief is got such a strong grip on me and I can't shake it off. I have made little effort in finding a job and I haven't had to leave my home yet so I know this depression is only going to get worse when my finacial security is taken away. I wish there was a magic pill that instantly takes away all this pain immediately. I read that accupuncture helps with deppression and so I'm going to see about that. Please do all you can. I can talk and give advise but taking my own advise is impossible it seems
Olivia,

I feel exactly the same as you. I prefer to be alone. I sleep a lot. There is so much to do here in the house and all I do all day is watch The Golden Girls on tv with my pup. I think it is a stage of grieving. It's been three months for me and I'm still in this stage. You are not alone.

With Warm Aloha, Linda B.
Dear CherylHarper,

Thank you for your reply. Sorry for you loss. I guess we all are in the same boat. Today Friday, I had important phones calls to make, but my energy wasn't there. All I wanted to do was sleep. I woke up around 10 or 11am took my medications, checked my body vital signs and sugar level(I am diabetic type II) had something very small to eat and did back to sleep in the sofa located in the family room. I woke up around 7:45pm daughter lives with me, she is my love & motivation. I don't know what I would do without her and God of course. Oh I have, four white little poodles they are my babies. They keep me going too. Tonight I had to go to groceries, and my daughter wanted to go after for a coffee at Starbucks. I really had to push myself even to get dressed and asked God for strength. My body felt so weak, all I wanted to do is watch TV and staying home. But life continues, and I have daughter to take care who depends on me. It is very hard, like I live because I have to, I have no motivation, goals, or dreams right now. I just take day, by day. Every day when I wake up and open my eyes, I feel so empty, lonely, wishing it could be just a bad dream a terrible nightmare. Wishing my husband still alive and everything would back to normal again. Grieving is such a long, lonely, dark road.
Lucky you have your job to keep you busy Cheryl, and your loved dog. I can't focus on my work right now, my work needs a lot attention, and motivation. I am not ready yet to back to work but eventually I will. I have to, I have to pay the bills and provide for my daughter as well. Right now I have to focus in getting stronger first. When did your husband passed away?
God bless you,
Olivia

CherylHarper said:
I thought I was really getting sick - I have no drive, no ambition, and I don't care if I get them back. All I want to do is watch TV when I get home from work. Thank the Lord I have a dog that keeps me sane cause she needs my care, etc. but without my husband around me every day - I'm lost.
Dear Jennifer,

It is terrible feeling Isn't? Suddenly we lose everything, our dream, hopes and happiness. To me every day is a struggle, like you I fight back Jennifer, we have to. I have up and downs, cry off and on. I don't like even to talk on the phone with people. I want to be left alone. Unfortunately, I have do deal with daily problems. Everything is over my shoulder it is very overwhelming. It is taking a lot of me Jennifer. Do not worry about so much about clean your house, do little by little as much as you can. Me too I have no motivation for do much around the house. The other day I tried to cook spaguetti for dinner, for me and my daughter. Suddenly I started to cry, I looked at my kitchen so sad. I used to cook too my husband loved the way I cook, specially my spaguetti and lazagna. Since husband died I haven't cook much at all. We eat out most of time, or I cook something very quick to both of us. At least Jeniffer you have your work to keep you busy, that is very good. I like your motivation keep up the good work!
Don't forget to eat and rest as much you need to, don't stress yourself.
By the way.......what happened with the autopsy results, if you don't mind me to ask?
Take care for now.....God bless you!
Olivia

Jennifer Whitehurst said:
Dear Olivia-

Yes, I am having the same difficulties. Since Brandon passed I have made myself get up every morning, take a shower and get dressed. Some days that doesn't happen until 3pm, but it happens. My house looks like a tornado hit it and it's very frustrating, but I don't have the energy to clean. I have spurts of energy about once every 2 weeks and so some things get accomplished, but not much.

I understand about pushing yourself to go to the grocery store. I have to do the same thing. I used to cook 5 nights/week and so planning meals, grocery shopping and cooking were big parts of my life. I have cooked one meal since 10/4/09 everything else has been frozen, or something that someone has brought to the house.

I don't let the lack of motivation discourage me though. I try to be easy on myself. As much as I want the house clean, I let it be dirty until I find that sweet spot of motivation and then try to get lots done. It's very hard though, and very easy to get 'stuck' (that's why I at least push myself to get out of bed every day).
Last weekend I found that motivation and cleaned our bedroom and the bathrooms. It felt and feels really good to walk in those rooms now and that has given me even more motivation. I'm taking baby steps and hoping that they lead to adult steps one day.

Grieving is really, really hard work.
Dear Linda,

I know how you feel. Every day is a struggle just to get up from bed, and live.
I am experiencing, the same as you. I watch a lot TV. Daughter likes to watch the horror chanel called 'CHILLER' on the cable, have all kinds of weird movies, from vampires to zombies LOL also she loves "Poltergeist the Legacy" so it makes me laugh, I like to watch movies my favorite is 'Ghost' with Demi Moore, but i can't watch it now because I will cry like crazy:( better stay with horror for now OR a good comedy. Or watch Michael Jackson DVD alive show. It makes me laugh and enjoy as well. I realize life have only two ways out cry OR laugh. I prefer to laugh :) Right now I am stuck between the two...more crying than laugh :( Thanks God I still have a good sense of humor. Today I had to push myself again to get out of house get in the car, and drive it. My energy level was very low even to get dressed, I have a lot to do around the house as well. Motivation is just not there, I do as much I can when I am not so weak. We are all in the same boat Linda. I am sure it is part of grieve, we are mentally and physically exausted, also our defense mechanism is trying to protect us from pain, all of us are depressed with the loss of our husbands. We have to push ourselves, at least do little things every day. Deal what is urgent and priority right now. Do not over stress yourself. With effort and faith we will get there. God will guide us Linda. Be strong okay!
Olivia

Linda said:
Olivia,

I feel exactly the same as you. I prefer to be alone. I sleep a lot. There is so much to do here in the house and all I do all day is watch The Golden Girls on tv with my pup. I think it is a stage of grieving. It's been three months for me and I'm still in this stage. You are not alone.

With Warm Aloha, Linda B.
Thanks for the compliment for the picture Anita, and reply. I do appreciate it. Yeah, it is part of grieving and eventually will get better as the depression subsides. Take care of yourself.
Feel better.
Olivia

Anita Simmons said:
First of, fantastic picture. I am in the same place as you except I have no one or nothing to motivate me out of bed. I sleep about 12 hrs a day leaving me in bed til 2 or 3 p.m. Eating hasn't changed a lot. If my daughter comes and cooks I will eat but cooking, it makes me sick to my stomach. I just went to the store and got vitamins for depression cause it is so bad. I have no energy at all and I was suprised when I was told to stay off of any stimulants to increase my energy for it causes more depression. Olivia, as you know we share the same horrible day and it seems like just yesturday. I can not get it out of my mind, no matter how hard I try. Friends get angry cause they want me back. I can't come back for its like this grief is got such a strong grip on me and I can't shake it off. I have made little effort in finding a job and I haven't had to leave my home yet so I know this depression is only going to get worse when my finacial security is taken away. I wish there was a magic pill that instantly takes away all this pain immediately. I read that accupuncture helps with deppression and so I'm going to see about that. Please do all you can. I can talk and give advise but taking my own advise is impossible it seems
There are days when I feel strong and good, but be down and depressed the very next day. I had a good day Saturday. Went out to a lovely breakfast with family and did some shopping. Today, I could hardly drag myself out of bed and slept most of the afternoon. Most days I dread going to an empty bed at night and then I dread getting up to an empty day.

Linda B.
Greetings, all

I guess my job kind of kept up my energy during the immediate days after my husband's death on 29 June 2009 - I am in Information Technology, and am a Database Administrator (Oracle, SQL Server and DB2 are enough to take anyone's mind off of things, for a while!)

However, I found, once I got home, I would "cocoon" - I would just retreat, cry a lot, and not want to go out, see anyone or do anything - it was just me, in a 1300 sq-ft, three bedroom apartment (we got this, because there was no way that my husband in his condition could have dealt with maintaining a house, and it is on the first floor, with no steps and a handicapped parking space right in front (yes!))

Weekends were horrible, without going into the office, to take my mind off of his death (although as a DBA, I logged in from home, and did plenty of work) - all the pictures, his degrees I had on the wall, the Chagall prints (we both loved the artist Marc Chagall) - I was surrounded by reminders of him, but without him!

The hospice sent me very helpful information on grief, and the visits of the Bereavement Counselor were also extremely helpful - I started to make myself go out for a 30 minute walk around the neighborhood, nearly every day (yep, there's _hills_ in Chino Hills) - and, a lot of times, I cried with every step - my apartment complex is surrounded by large, expensive homes, and it was hard, sometimes, walking through the neighborhoods, seeing the families together, and knowing that I was now all alone in an apartment.

Every couple I saw on my walks was a dagger to the heart until I decided that I would _bless_ each couple I saw, and say a prayer for their happiness. Strangely, that really, really helped - I could see couples walking their dog, or holding hands, and it really lessened the hurt to say a quick blessing over them.

It's been nearly 6 months since my Byron died, and there were those days when I wanted to die. I still cry, I still miss him terribly, I still look at his pictures - the Bereavement Counselor started encouraging me to find things to get involved because on one of his visits to me I'd told him that all I saw and felt was death.

So I've volunteered at my local library, have joined an astronomy club, and have continued in a prison ministry at the California Institution for Women, Corona. I attend Mass nearly every week (7:30 AM Mass, which a lot of people consider an ungodly hour (ha) - but I like the early Mass).

So, bit by bit - my energy is returning. I still find it hard to be in large groups of people, at social events, because I still get tired, quickly. And now that the holidays are upon us, with invitations to parties and dinners - it's kind of hard. However, most people know that my husband died, and can understand if I don't stay for very long.

Peace, blessings and healing be with and upon you all - Yaca Attwood
hi.i am hazel corley i lost my love of thirty two hears on october 7th 2009and i miss him so much. but i were doing school crossing guard he got sick i quit to take care of him now that he is gone ihave went back it gives me something to keep me going.i enjoy staying busy not to forget him. but to take all the memories an keep my head up buy the grace of God i am holding on see i can say to every hurting widow that love hurts deeply when we loose that person but if we depend on God and keep talking to others we will make it ok my daughter an two sons are a big help .i do get stressed an my energy level is low.Hazel
Dear all, the first days after my husband passed away I was very busy trying to organize the funeral and so on (in Romania things are not so easy as in the US). Then, being afraid that I might experience depression and suicidal thoughts and unbearable sad feelings, I started go to the cemetery every day; like a ritual; exactly the same way every day I was coming home from work to take care of him. I still go almost every day, I speak with him, clean the place, put flowers; I take care of him the way I did when he was alive and home; that grave - no matter how frightening might sound - is going to be - soon enough, I hope - my home, too. Another thing that I have done was creating an account on Facebook and trying to reach my old highschool friends. My husband was my English teacher in highschool and being now close to my old friends brings me closer to him. I wrote on Facebook about him on our highschool group page and suddenly I found myself surrounded by all his ex students that loved him so much, all of them writting about him, how wonderful he was, how much they admired him....how lucky I was to marry him..... It was and it still is a great comfort. Because we did not just socialize on the network but we have also met in person and we talked about him.
I, too, cannot eat much and something strange happens to me : I cannot enter the kitchen. It's like something very painful; maybe because during the whole last year I kept cooking for him and cooking gave me the feeling that I was helping him to get better.
And now I am glad I found you all and I can share with you my feelings that nobody - except the persons that are experiencing what I am experiencing right now - can understand. I also go once a week to see a psychanalist, a very dear person that I trust very much; there I can cry and I can tell her things that I couldn't even tell myself.
But beyond all this, I, too, have no motivation for going on; or maybe there is a motivation : by the end of every day (that now doesn't seem so long because I have all these "activities") I tell myself : one day nearer to him.
God bless you all!. Irina

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