Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by JanDunn on January 10, 2010 at 7:46am

Richard, my heart goes out to you as I also lost my husband of 18 years on December 10, 2009 to sudden death, he was only 47 years old. That day was completely normal, he was happy and smiling, we worked together driving school buses and we went Christmas shopping, even bought ourselves new cell phones. When we got home that evening he went downstairs to feed the dogs and when I went downstairs less than 10 minutes later he was dead. His left venticle ruptured and he died instantly, despite all the efforts of myself, then the medics and then the hopsital...nothing could bring him back.

I wish I could tell you something to help you cope, but I know that nothing anyone says changes the pain and the emptiness and the feeling of all your joy being ripped away from you. It does help to talk to those of us here who really understand each others feelings...my thoughts and prayers are with you.

JanDunn (Steve's wife always & forever)

Permalink Reply by Richard Meier on January 10, 2010 at 1:04pm

Thank you Jan .Yes we will get through this.I went to church today and Ilost it again ,. there are just certain things there that remind me of the funeral

JanDunn said:

Richard, my heart goes out to you as I also lost my husband of 18 years on December 10, 2009 to sudden death, he was only 47 years old. That day was completely normal, he was happy and smiling, we worked together driving school buses and we went Christmas shopping, even bought ourselves new cell phones. When we got home that evening he went downstairs to feed the dogs and when I went downstairs less than 10 minutes later he was dead. His left venticle ruptured and he died instantly, despite all the efforts of myself, then the medics and then the hopsital...nothing could bring him back.

I wish I could tell you something to help you cope, but I know that nothing anyone says changes the pain and the emptiness and the feeling of all your joy being ripped away from you. It does help to talk to those of us here who really understand each others feelings...my thoughts and prayers are with you.

JanDunn (Steve's wife always & forever)

Permalink Reply by Richard Meier on January 10, 2010 at 1:10pm

Hi Jo. everyone keeps saying that but I cant believe she thought she was going to get better. When i found to places in the preceding weeks, I found she was on symptom checker sites. I think, I know she knew what was coming, but she still had time to do something about it. And didn't she thing of the anguish she was going to cause me, or was she only concernered about running away from her credit card debt. Was she worried about me finding out about the gambling addiction. I prayed today at the grave . Losing her was not worth the cost of the debts,, we could have worked through it . I would much rather have her here with me

Jo said:

Richard, the reason why your wife never told you was probably because she didnt either want to worry you or like my husband she didnt think that it was serious enough to say anything. My husband of 57 went suddenly last August and I still go over ever minute of that day that I had with him and then just like that there was a groan behind me and he was gone (heart attack), we had just moved into the house 3 days before. I do know what you are going through and there were so many things that were never said and now its too late and as you said you dont know what you've got until its gone. I miss him more now after 5 months than in the beginning but only because there was so much paperwork (retired military/civil service) that I could not think about myself until all of that was completed, something was telling me to keep focused because I knew that if I did it wrong then there was no turning back (I'm sure that was my husband). Now that I have got to this point when my brain has had to accept that no matter what he is not coming back it has left this numbness and insecurity about the future. As like most of us on this website I dont know where to go at this point, all the plans that we had have now gone, we loved to travel and thats now gone but more than that he was my best friend. You plod on with life because you have to and that I'm afraid is what we are left with just picking up the pieces and going day by day, some will be good days and others bad but you will get through this because you have to same as we all have. Please keep strong somehow.

Permalink Reply by Richard Meier on January 10, 2010 at 7:17pm

Yes, Jo we do seem to be in the same boat

Jo said:

Hi Richard, my husband had been getting chest pains and he thought that it was indigestion but then he stopped mentioning the pains and because we were in the process of moving into the house I thought that he was right about the indigestion. I also now think that he knew that he had problems because I found that he had been looking at websites for the cause of chest pains. He was the kind of person that was always seeing a doctor for something or the other but in this case we had not yet found a doctor since we were new to the area. I should have known better and now he is gone. Maybe your wife was concerned about her problems and that was why she didnt tell you so that you didnt have those worries also. There are always so many unanswered questions with situations like this and all we can do is try and get on with life and work through it somehow.

Richard Meier said:

Hi Jo. everyone keeps saying that but I cant believe she thought she was going to get better. When i found to places in the preceding weeks, I found she was on symptom checker sites. I think, I know she knew what was coming, but she still had time to do something about it. And didn't she thing of the anguish she was going to cause me, or was she only concernered about running away from her credit card debt. Was she worried about me finding out about the gambling addiction. I prayed today at the grave . Losing her was not worth the cost of the debts,, we could have worked through it . I would much rather have her here with me

Jo said:

Richard, the reason why your wife never told you was probably because she didnt either want to worry you or like my husband she didnt think that it was serious enough to say anything. My husband of 57 went suddenly last August and I still go over ever minute of that day that I had with him and then just like that there was a groan behind me and he was gone (heart attack), we had just moved into the house 3 days before. I do know what you are going through and there were so many things that were never said and now its too late and as you said you dont know what you've got until its gone. I miss him more now after 5 months than in the beginning but only because there was so much paperwork (retired military/civil service) that I could not think about myself until all of that was completed, something was telling me to keep focused because I knew that if I did it wrong then there was no turning back (I'm sure that was my husband). Now that I have got to this point when my brain has had to accept that no matter what he is not coming back it has left this numbness and insecurity about the future. As like most of us on this website I dont know where to go at this point, all the plans that we had have now gone, we loved to travel and thats now gone but more than that he was my best friend. You plod on with life because you have to and that I'm afraid is what we are left with just picking up the pieces and going day by day, some will be good days and others bad but you will get through this because you have to same as we all have. Please keep strong somehow.

Permalink Reply by Marilyn on January 11, 2010 at 12:53am

Hi Richard,

I'm so sorry for what you're going through and I understand exactly how you feel. My husband died on Dec. 1st, 2009. He was also 58. He also went on websites. We knew he had health problems and we knew he was sick but we did not expect what happened. (We have 3 children.) He had congestive heart problems and liver problems. He broke some ribs from a fall and became sick with bronchitis - but wasn't getting better. His health got worse. My husband not only did not tell me his symptoms, but he lied and said he saw doctors when he did not. I was worried sick about him but I thought he was under the care of doctors. I rushed home from work one day and took him to ER. We walked into the hospital together and I never talked to him again. (He was in ICU for 8 days.)

I found out he hadn't seen the doctor and that was when I said we were going to the ER. I asked how he could lie about seeing doctors and he said "I just wanted to buy more time". He knew what was coming and he wanted more time at home. I had more than one doctor in the hospital mention that because of liver and kidney problems the toxins were not eliminated from his body and this would have affected his brain and his thinking.

I thought about 2 of my pregnancies when I had liver and kidney problems due to pregnancy toxemia. I was not the same person. I did not think the same. When I had health symptoms (seeing spots, headaches, abdominal pain) I didn't mention it - I just wasn't thinking. We won't know why your wife didn't say anything, but take into consideration that her brain was affected. The illness (stroke) may have impacted her reasoning.

We also had significant debt and other problems. I know my husband felt he had caused or contributed to problems and didn't want to cause more by telling us how sick he was. I think your wife probably loved you and your family and did not want to cause any hurt or worry. You wonder about whether she thought about the anguish she would cause you. Sometimes people are under so much stress (worried about their health/money) they just are immobilized and don't act when they should. I think she probably wanted to protect her family - not cause them hurt and anguish and that's what you need to unfortunately remember. I've gone through a ton of feelings and emotions. Remember the good times and remember that she obviously cared about her family. My husband and your wife are probably in a much better place than we are and happy and free of pain. Until we see them again we'll have to deal with what we have and find a new purpose.

Permalink Reply by Richard Meier on January 12, 2010 at 10:38pm

Thank you DeAnna . Yes I am already doing that. i go to the cemetery every day , I go to church at least once a week, and today i started the process to convert to catholic. . since Kathy passed i have become a believer.