Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Ann on January 17, 2010 at 2:29pm

Anita, I'm sure you're having a very hard time with closure in this situation. Is there maybe just one person in the family who would be sympathetic to your desire and could talk to the "controlling person" for you???

Permalink Reply by Anita Simmons on January 17, 2010 at 5:38pm

I have talked to that person, his brother (the only one family member he was still close to and the one I knew) but nothing has happened. I know people lose their loved ones all the time without seeing the body and move past it but I just can't seem to do that. I guess I just need to find some way to find that closure. I was just leaving them alone for his brother was suppose to be on the plane with Malcolm ( he died in a plane crash) and his kids treated Malcolm very badly so I am trying to let them deal with their own guilt and what nots.
Ann said:

Anita, I'm sure you're having a very hard time with closure in this situation. Is there maybe just one person in the family who would be sympathetic to your desire and could talk to the "controlling person" for you???

Permalink Reply by pearl on January 19, 2010 at 7:28pm

anita sorry for your loss i too lost my spouse in sept of this year i had at least the time to say good by...but because his daughters didnt like me or i should say after he died there true colors came out i still dont know where his ashes are and every day it seems in some way im waiting for him to come home.

Permalink Reply by Anita Simmons on January 19, 2010 at 7:54pm

Dear Pearl,
As you are writing this, I am walking, talking to my Malcolm about everything I cam think of including his ashes. You are right though. I still wait to hear from him or see him walk in the door. Honey, It's not going to happen no matter how bad we want it. I wish it were true. I beg God everyday to let me see him, hold him, talk to him etc. just one more time. I don't even dream about him. I have had one dream of him and I couldn't even tell you what it was about cause I don't remember. I am trying so hard to hold on to the fact that I was the last person he spoke to before the plane took off and that I even got to talk to him al weekend. He missed me so much and loved me so much for he expressed it several times over the weekend. I try try try to hold onto that. He died loved, appreciated, desired, missed and respected for he never had that before. He died happy.
I still want some of his ashes but I don't think it will happen. That family is being good to me but I think they are going through their own guilt and pain that they can't give them up. They haven't even spread his ashes.
I don't know what to say to you except, they family does not matter in any way. What matters is what you two had and still have together. Hold onto that and always remember the love you two shared. Anyone outside of that was just jealous. That's how I hold on. Hold tight, be strong and remember who your husband fell in love with.
pearl said:

anita sorry for your loss i too lost my spouse in sept of this year i had at least the time to say good by...but because his daughters didnt like me or i should say after he died there true colors came out i still dont know where his ashes are and every day it seems in some way im waiting for him to come home.

Permalink Reply by pearl on January 20, 2010 at 1:51pm

Anita Simmons said:

Dear Pearl,
As you are writing this, I am walking, talking to my Malcolm about everything I cam think of including his ashes. You are right though. I still wait to hear from him or see him walk in the door. Honey, It's not going to happen no matter how bad we want it. I wish it were true. I beg God everyday to let me see him, hold him, talk to him etc. just one more time. I don't even dream about him. I have had one dream of him and I couldn't even tell you what it was about cause I don't remember. I am trying so hard to hold on to the fact that I was the last person he spoke to before the plane took off and that I even got to talk to him al weekend. He missed me so much and loved me so much for he expressed it several times over the weekend. I try try try to hold onto that. He died loved, appreciated, desired, missed and respected for he never had that before. He died happy.
I still want some of his ashes but I don't think it will happen. That family is being good to me but I think they are going through their own guilt and pain that they can't give them up. They haven't even spread his ashes.
I don't know what to say to you except, they family does not matter in any way. What matters is what you two had and still have together. Hold onto that and always remember the love you two shared. Anyone outside of that was just jealous. That's how I hold on. Hold tight, be strong and remember who your husband fell in love with.
pearl said:

anita sorry for your loss i too lost my spouse in sept of this year i had at least the time to say good by...but because his daughters didnt like me or i should say after he died there true colors came out i still dont know where his ashes are and every day it seems in some way im waiting for him to come home.

Permalink Reply by pearl on January 20, 2010 at 1:54pm

thank you anita soooo much for your reply im so glad i shared with you your words are very comforting and yes i will hold the memories of the two of us.

Permalink Reply by Angela M. on January 20, 2010 at 2:52pm

Dear Anita,
Oh my I am so sorry to hear of this awful accident and for your loss. My son passed away on January 1st of this year, I am in such grief. He to was involved in a terrible freak accident and could not be seen. He had been driving a snowmobile too fast and a truck pulled out of a crossroad and stopped (please let anyone you know -- speed up when pulling out onto a road, never stop, this is critical). We were unable to identify his body, as he was too bad and he was also cremated. Since he wasn't shown it is like he was off to war and this is what we have left of him. God bless you Anita.

This is my story if you would like to read it and/or share it that would be fine. To begin Christopher, my youngest son had lived at my grandparents at the time of his death at 23 years of age. Since he lived there last my grandparents wanted everything, all of his clothes, his hunting & fishing items, his ashes, everything, but this could not be the way it was going to be. Furthermore, they had kicked me out of their home twice on the day of his death and then again the next day. Certainly the bible says there is a time for everything, Ecclesiastes 3:1-14 and I love The Beatitudes, Matthew 5:1-12, especially Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. I love the Lord so much and I believe he is real.
His dad & I are his next of kin and I received his ashes to do with as I want (dad agreed w/me) and all that I asked was to keep my baby boy as a whole at first until I was ready to share him. Since he wasn't shown it is like he was off to war and this is what we have left of him. Today I do have my son's ashes it has only been three weeks.
You see he too was an avid hunter and fisherman. In December he got his trophy buck - an eleven point and his older brother bagged an 8 point. I have a picture to share sometime if you would like to see it.
What I am choosing to do with his remains is this; through his brother, sister and friends who hunted and fished with him I found out some of his wishes. One of his wishes was to be scattered over the woods where he hunted, this will be done. Another wish is to stay at my grandparents' hobby farm and I am planning to have a memorial service this spring with his church and place a marker where we can visit him anytime. His dad's family wanted each sibling and his parents to have a memorial cross, these are beautiful and very special ( I hope that your fiance's family will grant that desire for you also). Furthermore my son also longed to live in Alaska and so I will be sending ashes to relatives to carry out a ceremony the Native American way for him. He was loved by so many folks and I intend to honor and love everyone the way I believe my Christopher would be glad to know his mother took care of his wishes and his love for others this way.

Anita, I hope that his family will include you, I am going to pray for this right now for you. You need their support and inclusion right now and they may want your knowledge of his life spent with you and him together over the past. I hope this is at the least a little helpful and I truly hope and pray for the best for your sake. This is a sad situation. God be with you.

To suggest a few other things I hope will help you with your grief; you need to ask his parents if they plan on placing his ashes at a specific burial site and if so, where? Also if you have not spoken of your desires to have just a little bit of his remains in a keepsake, I think you need to do that for yourself. Be brave and let them know of your love with this man, their son, but mostly your fiance'.

One other idea could be to set up a memorial fund in his honor to support hunting in your area with the local sportsman clubs to include youth. Ask his family and friends to help you with that. It might renew some energy and bond some differences.
God bless and my name is Angela

Permalink Reply by Rachael on February 15, 2010 at 4:18am

I'm sorry for your loss. I lost my husband July 13, 2009. Although I was there when he passed away. I chicken'd out of going to the (private) family viewing. I kicked myself over and over for a couple months about not going, because I too had that same feeling that you're speeking of. But eventually that feeling has faded. If your fiance's family is Catholic, then it's against their religious beliefs to separate the ashes. I told my inlaw that I would give each of them some of my husbands ashes, but I couldn't not get the urn open. After doing some research I found out the it is sealed closed. So what I ended up doing in stead was this:
When my husband was younger, he had a long pony tail.

But eventually, he got a job that requierd him to cut it off. He really hated having to cut it off, so he ended up keeping his pony tail, and used to hang it on the wall. (Every once in a while he would even take it down and comb it too, LOL)

But anyways, I ended up giving a little bit of his pony tail to each of his siblings in stead of ashes. I don't know if doing something like that would be possible in your sercumstance, but that's just an idea I thought I'd throw out there for you.

Permalink Reply by Anita Simmons on February 15, 2010 at 12:06pm

Dear Rachelle,
Thank you so much for your response. As for the family, they are Lutheran and his body came in a box not an urn. I try to believe they haven't done anything with his ashes cause they were so cruel to him over his divorce to their mom and are going thru their own guilt and trying to work thru that. I don't know but what I do know is I miss him so much. It hasn't been quit 4 months and I still go thru the emotional waves. Crying for days and then calm down. How do you hold on, get thru the days without breaking down in the end?
Your message came at a good time for I have been crying for a couple of days. I'm not sure if it's normal or if it's just being so overwhelmed with losing everything, house, income, child, property, dreams etc. EVERYTHING and am having to start all over by learning a job where you need to smile and be happy all the time, find a new place to live , let go of my fiance and step son, our dreams of moving to Tenn. etc and I am just falling over the edge. When do you get the will to live back? I have prayed to God, yelled at him and the devil, and tried so hard to understand why the pilot chose to kill my fiance (that's how I see it), why Malcolm even got on that plane etc. I am short tempered and mean and that is not who I am. When does that change? When will I want to live again? When will I want to be happy again and not live in this misery anymore? I know it's only been a few months longer for you but just maybe it's been long enough for you to answer a few of my questions.
Again, I want to say thank you for responding.
Rachael said:

I'm sorry for your loss. I lost my husband July 13, 2009. Although I was there when he passed away. I chicken'd out of going to the (private) family viewing. I kicked myself over and over for a couple months about not going, because I too had that same feeling that you're speeking of. But eventually that feeling has faded. If your fiance's family is Catholic, then it's against their religious beliefs to separate the ashes. I told my inlaw that I would give each of them some of my husbands ashes, but I couldn't not get the urn open. After doing some research I found out the it is sealed closed. So what I ended up doing in stead was this:
When my husband was younger, he had a long pony tail.

But eventually, he got a job that requierd him to cut it off. He really hated having to cut it off, so he ended up keeping his pony tail, and used to hang it on the wall. (Every once in a while he would even take it down and comb it too, LOL)

But anyways, I ended up giving a little bit of his pony tail to each of his siblings in stead of ashes. I don't know if doing something like that would be possible in your sercumstance, but that's just an idea I thought I'd throw out there for you.

Permalink Reply by lilyrose on February 15, 2010 at 2:55pm

Dear Anita,

I'm sorry for everything you are going through. I know for myself, I felt a lot of anger. I was lost in those emotions for well over a year. I blamed everyone. I remember specifically an instance when I couldn't open a jelly jar, and I threw it against the wall. It was so stupid, but I was so angry that he wasn't there to open it. It wasn't fair. Years later I was talking to a therapist and she told me something that has stuck with me. "Anger is a secondary emotion."
Anger was an easier emotion for me to deal with than depression, loneliness, hearbreak. It was much easier for me to be angry at the world than cry over my loss. A family member passed away over the summer, and it was much different because I wasn't in love with this person, but I still cared for her. I felt myself getting angry again. Instead I sat down and let myself think about who I lost. It was really hard to do that, but this summer I didn't lie to myself, and I didn't hide my sadness with anger.
Losing someone, especially when it is seems so random, so unexpected, is incrediably hard. But just the act of you opening up and talking on here, I know that someday you will find that urge to live again. You will find your happiness again. You do not need to let go of your dreams, your stepson... Shutting those doors is something that you do not have to do. If you don't feel like it right now, it's understandable. But don't shut it out forever.
Trying to keep your heart open is the hardest thing you can do right now because it has been so broken. But please do not let anger fill it.

Permalink Reply by Robin Gustafson on February 15, 2010 at 4:25pm

My husband mom told me if I took better care of him he would have not died he pass away from cancer. So went it came to the ashes she want them and I would not give to her. But I put some where she wanted them so she could go and said goodbye. So the pain you are feeling must hurt so deep. I just want someone to tell me why people do what they do went someone pass away? I know there a lot of ashes to share with the people that love that person. Maybe someday they will put the ashes some where you can go and said goodbye to him. But of not I hope someday you find away to said goodbye.