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I miss him so much.
My husband Larry passed away suddenly August 2009. We had 38 wonderful years together. I feel so alone and miss him so much. We were more than husband and wife; we were also best friends. It is coming up on 6 months but it feels like it was yesterday. I have moved on in some respects but am also stuck in others. Don't mind me I am going to let my thoughts and feelings spill for a while.
I was able to pack his clothing and take it to a local charity, but I can't bear to take off my wedding ring. I know it is only a symbol but I feel I will be putting him aside if I take it off. I guess I am not ready to do that yet. Every day is a struggle and I know life goes on. I have done that in many respects. I can't bring myself to say "I" I still say things like our sons, our home, our business, "we", my phone message still says we will get back to you. I feel so selfish if I say my or I. We did everything together and worked side by side our whole marriage and everything we have accomplished we did together. I spend many days just crying; alone. I find many things that I never gave a second thought to have now become difficult. I now hate to go grocery shopping. It is hard to buy for just one person. I love to cook and bake but have lost interest in it for now as I don't have anyone to do that for anymore. I know I could invite my family over for meals, but don't want to intrude in their busy lives. I know why I feel that way too. My mother-in-law intruded in our lives our whole marriage and I don't want my daughters-in-law to feel that way about me. She never knows when to mind her own business or when to keep her mouth shut, or when to go home either. Now how ironic is it that I am the only one she has left. My husbands Dad passed 18 years ago and my hubby was an only child. Our sons avoid her because they don't want to get caught up in her b.s., because if she can she will try to run their lives. She is a very self centered person and it is always about me me me. She never ever seems to have any regard for your feelings when she opens her mouth, but god forbid if you ever said anything that may hurt her feelings...she carries a grudge for life. I know I sound bitter and I know where that is coming from too. I feel so cheated. There is so much more I could say but only feel myself getting more angry and that does me no good. Don't dwell on what you can't change. I also feel that I am disrespecting Larry. I have to say it. I am so angry. She took him away from me for 9 1/2 weeks just before he passed. I only had 8 days with him then he passed away. Our summer business is 5 hours from our home and he had to come back for her. She played the poor me scene and he felt he had to be with her. I could have used his help and support, but I had to do it on my own for 9 1/2 weeks. I think maybe it was God's way of preparing me for being without him, but it still hurts so much. I will carry on as long as I can in his memory. I have wonderful support from family and friends but don't want to abuse that either as they also have their own lives.
Everyone says think about the good times, and I do, only to think that we will never do anything together again. I know I have to get out more, but sometimes find that difficult to do. When I come home I always to myself, "Why was I in such a hurry to come home to an empty house."
I am so glad that I have found this forum. I have got some of my feelings out and do feel better for it. Thank you for the opportunity.
I was able to pack his clothing and take it to a local charity, but I can't bear to take off my wedding ring. I know it is only a symbol but I feel I will be putting him aside if I take it off. I guess I am not ready to do that yet. Every day is a struggle and I know life goes on. I have done that in many respects. I can't bring myself to say "I" I still say things like our sons, our home, our business, "we", my phone message still says we will get back to you. I feel so selfish if I say my or I. We did everything together and worked side by side our whole marriage and everything we have accomplished we did together. I spend many days just crying; alone. I find many things that I never gave a second thought to have now become difficult. I now hate to go grocery shopping. It is hard to buy for just one person. I love to cook and bake but have lost interest in it for now as I don't have anyone to do that for anymore. I know I could invite my family over for meals, but don't want to intrude in their busy lives. I know why I feel that way too. My mother-in-law intruded in our lives our whole marriage and I don't want my daughters-in-law to feel that way about me. She never knows when to mind her own business or when to keep her mouth shut, or when to go home either. Now how ironic is it that I am the only one she has left. My husbands Dad passed 18 years ago and my hubby was an only child. Our sons avoid her because they don't want to get caught up in her b.s., because if she can she will try to run their lives. She is a very self centered person and it is always about me me me. She never ever seems to have any regard for your feelings when she opens her mouth, but god forbid if you ever said anything that may hurt her feelings...she carries a grudge for life. I know I sound bitter and I know where that is coming from too. I feel so cheated. There is so much more I could say but only feel myself getting more angry and that does me no good. Don't dwell on what you can't change. I also feel that I am disrespecting Larry. I have to say it. I am so angry. She took him away from me for 9 1/2 weeks just before he passed. I only had 8 days with him then he passed away. Our summer business is 5 hours from our home and he had to come back for her. She played the poor me scene and he felt he had to be with her. I could have used his help and support, but I had to do it on my own for 9 1/2 weeks. I think maybe it was God's way of preparing me for being without him, but it still hurts so much. I will carry on as long as I can in his memory. I have wonderful support from family and friends but don't want to abuse that either as they also have their own lives.
Everyone says think about the good times, and I do, only to think that we will never do anything together again. I know I have to get out more, but sometimes find that difficult to do. When I come home I always to myself, "Why was I in such a hurry to come home to an empty house."
I am so glad that I have found this forum. I have got some of my feelings out and do feel better for it. Thank you for the opportunity.
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Charles on
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Yvonne,
We all feel guilty for things we said or did with out loved one because now we cant fix it.Thats normal I guess.I do not like the word normal to much because we are all so different.its impossible to define normal anyway.
I have friends and kids and grandkids but like you I dont want to impose on their time.All I want to do is talk about my late wife anyway and they are tired of hearing about her anyway.
I also wear my wedding ring and a lot of people here do as well.I may take it off someday,, But not at this time.
Its hard to survive this grief but you will find that most have survived one way or the other.One lady said she had screamed for days and cried 24 hours a day also, Then she realized that she was still alive, nothing had changed, so she got up, cried some more but got her life going.Thats the way most of here are.
Most people here had wonderfull marriages, most were married to their soul mates and we are all so sad to have lost that true love of our lives.
Hope you can feel better soon. Charles -
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Permalink Reply by Ann on
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Yvonne. You have voiced so many sentiments many of us feel. That's also why I love this site. I don't know you all nor do you know me so we can speak of our hurts, memories, etc. without having someone tell us it's time to move on. I, too, continue to wear my wedding band and still sleep in our big king-size bed. I feel closer to my beloved that way. Am I living in the past? maybe, but it gives me comfort. Thanks so much to all of you for listening. I treasure the opportunity to hear from you.
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Permalink Reply by Yvonne on
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Thank you Ann and Charles for your kind words. I am new to this site today, and wonder why I haven't found it before. I think my dear sweet Larry sent me here. At least I can mention his name here, shed a few tears and no one can change the subject. I too feel that no one wants to hear us talk about our dear loved ones. Perhaps it brings them to much pain or makes them feel uncomfortable. You really can't blame them. They will only truly know how it feels when it happens to them. Then I will be there to talk about their loved one and never change the subject. My Mom and Dad are the only ones that will talk about Larry and the good times we shared. Mom asked me if it hurt me to talk about Larry and I said no, it hurts me not to talk about him. I don't want him to be forgotten. I am so glad she asked, because we now feel comfortable talking about him.
Keep doing what makes you happy. No one can tell you when you have to do anything. Do it in your own time when you are ready. -
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