Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by BoLynn on February 9, 2010 at 9:41pm

It's been 5 months for me and it still feels like yesterday when I held him as he took his last three breaths. I like to think his 3 breaths were saying "I love you". Everyone grieves differently. All of our lives and manner of death of our loved ones are different. Some of us have support from family and friends. Some of us are alone. The bottom line for all of us is that we have lost our soul mates and no matter what we do, they are never coming back. My days are like yours. I dread going to bed and I dread waking up. In my dark days, I don't want to be here at all. There is nothing here for me. Yes, I have the Lord, children, a grandchild, family and wonderful friends, but no one can fill this empty body with the warmth like my Bo. Everyone is is back to their lives and I stand here in the dark, watching the world go by. I wish I could offer a brighter outlook. I don't cry as often, I can laugh again, but the pain is still very much there.

Permalink Reply by Chris B on February 9, 2010 at 11:40pm

Irene, I'm glad that others can understand the importance of the dogs - we don't have children, so the dogs are our kids. We just got them last Father's Day (an unintentional coincidence, and one that I commented about to Dan not that long ago... now I wish I hadn't), and we constantly commented how lucky we were to have them. Quite often Dan would comment out of the blue, "I love our puppies." (they're about 3, but they're always "puppies" to us.) The dogs were included in the "survived by" part of his obituary, and everyone who knew us agreed that that was how it should be. Which makes the guilt of leaving them alone harder, sometimes.

I actively scoured the 'Net for an interactive grief forum, which is how I found this site, and I'm glad I did. I initially wanted to find somewhere that I could blog about Dan without being on one of my "usual" sites, but I'm glad that I found these forums, as well. It has really been helpful to see that the things I'm experiencing aren't uncommon, and even though the exact path is unique to each of us, there are lots of common landmarks and scenery as well.

Permalink Reply by BoLynn on February 9, 2010 at 11:43pm

Chris, our long-coat chi, Koapaka was in our survived by program at his service. He was 'daddy's boy".

Chris B said:

Irene, I'm glad that others can understand the importance of the dogs - we don't have children, so the dogs are our kids. We just got them last Father's Day (an unintentional coincidence, and one that I commented about to Dan not that long ago... now I wish I hadn't), and we constantly commented how lucky we were to have them. Quite often Dan would comment out of the blue, "I love our puppies." (they're about 3, but they're always "puppies" to us.) The dogs were included in the "survived by" part of his obituary, and everyone who knew us agreed that that was how it should be. Which makes the guilt of leaving them alone harder, sometimes.

I actively scoured the 'Net for an interactive grief forum, which is how I found this site, and I'm glad I did. I initially wanted to find somewhere that I could blog about Dan without being on one of my "usual" sites, but I'm glad that I found these forums, as well. It has really been helpful to see that the things I'm experiencing aren't uncommon, and even though the exact path is unique to each of us, there are lots of common landmarks and scenery as well.

Permalink Reply by Ann on February 10, 2010 at 12:45am

Chris, I'm so glad you found this site. I've found much comfort reading words that could be my own and sometimes adding to the discussion. It will be a year for me March 9 but still some days it seems like yesterday. When does it get better? As you said those first days and weeks you're so busy doing things that have to be done, it's almost like you're on auto pilot. Then reality sets in and you begin to wonder, Will I ever feel any better? Time is a great healer, I've gone from pity parties to thanking God for the many good years (nearly 52) He allowed me to share with my beloved Joe. Some days are still very sad and all the "firsts" are hard but remember your husband lives on in your heart and the precious memories will carry you through. Bless you and keep in touch.

Permalink Reply by BoLynn on February 10, 2010 at 9:44am

Very well said, Lois, Thank you.
Lois Taitague said:

Chris, yes, it does get better. Linda mentioned that everyone grieves differently, just as each of our lives and the manner of death of our loved ones are different. While I was reading her message, I thought of the highway, with all the vehicles going at different speeds. Some drivers are going slowly and carefully feeling their way along, and some are driving quickly, with assurance. I suppose the answer to "when does it start getting better" will be determined by what kind of a driver you're going to be. There are some road marks, and I'm not sure where they are exactly, that each of us has to reach before we can actually see that it's getting better. If you look for them, you will see little steps toward that goal along the way. For me one was yesterday, 7 weeks from the day of Mark's death, when at the end of the day I realized that for the first time the hours leading up to and following his death passed without me dwelling on his final moments. It was probably because I was concentrating on staining the living room floor (a job he promised to do), but I hopefully believe that Tuesdays to follow will begin to blend in with the other days of the week.

The thought just came to me, to continue the analogy, that we've got to keep driving! If we pull over on the side of the road we won't make much progress, and I think it must be very easy to get stuck somewhere along the way, wallowing in our misery.

Finding a goal to focus on has been helpful for me, although getting rid of the junk Mark accumulated over the last few years is a necessity rather than a pleasure, as is having to complete a 50-hour training course for my job by the end of March. Having the dogs to love and care for are a big blessing in your life, and they will help you along the way.

Permalink Reply by Denise MacCallum on February 10, 2010 at 5:20pm

Hi Chris,
It's been 4 months since I lost the love of my life and it isn't getting and better for me...I still cry everyday and night...I miss his voice, touch and mostly his hugs...I have to push myself to do things..I have a daughter, son-in-law and 3 beautiful grandkids but without Robbie things just aren't the same...I try to be happy so that the grandkids don't see me cry but at times it's just too hard to hold back the tears....They are young and I talk about Papa all the time but the youngest is forgetting which is breaking my heart...I want things to get better...I know that I have to start living my life because that's what Robbie would want me to do...He asked me to be strong and to go on and I told him that I would...I never thought that I would be alone...I thought that we would be together for a long time but cancer robbed us of that dream...I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers....
Denise

Permalink Reply by Leanne on February 11, 2010 at 6:10am

9 weeks for me. I don't want it to get better, feel better. I've lost my husband. I feel like I want to be like this forever. When I do 'normal' things like going to the supermarket, my niece's b'day party, I put on a fake face. It's me but it's not me.

Permalink Reply by Yaca Attwood on February 11, 2010 at 11:13am

As of 11 February 2010, it has been

228 days
7 months, 14 days
19,699,200 seconds
328,320 minutes
5,472 hours
32 weeks

since my husband, Byron Raymond Perkins, died on 29 June 2009.

Why the breakdown? (other than the fact I am a computer nerd (Oracle/SQL Server DBA, along with some UNIX System Administration) - because I have had to live through every single bit of that time - every second, every minute, every hour, every day, every week.

I am currently in our 3-bedroom, 1330-sq ft, first floor apartment, in the building that has a handicapped ramp (I struggled to get this place, to accomodate all of his disabilities - he lost the ability to stand and to walk), surrounded by reminders of him - the Chagall prints, his large screen TV, his books, his pictures.

Yes, as others have said - life goes on; they've attended the memorial, had the dinner, sent the condolence cards - and I do not disparage these things in the least. It's just that my sweetie is dead, I can no longer put my head on his chest and feel his arms and smell his wonderful, soothing, manly aroma, or hear his incredibly soft, comforting voice.

Life goes on - but without him, and without support (my kids hated him, because I was married to their father for 21 years, and I tried and tried to stay, but I got to be 48-49, and I simply couldn't take it anymore - and their father remarried before I did) - and they blame and hate me, as well - but there is nothing I can do about that.

Family is far, far away, as well as any friends, but people get so, so busy.

I have weeks when I don't cry, and days when I do....but I will always, always, always love him.

Peace, healing and blessings be upon you all - Yaca Attwood Perkins

Permalink Reply by alan demetri on February 12, 2010 at 11:53pm

Dear Cheis B my name is Alan and next month well be two years scense my wife of thirty years went home to be with the Lord and to this day i ask the same queastion.Time is suppose to heal all wounds but iv found lonlness is another matter as far as i can tell .But the pain dose get better but reliveing every step of that day for me only makes it worse and yes i still find myself doing that, i think mainly becouse Teresa died while doing a crossword puzzel on the couch .I keep asking myself why didnt i get up sooner that day maybe i could have done something to save her.I know in my head there was no way to stop a blood clute but it dosen"t stop me from thinking it.She had been sick but we thought she was on her way back to a heathy life she'd beable to walk anyway she'd be in pain but at lest she could get around its amazeing what you can become thankful for.I have to say that i admire you for being able to go back to work so soon after loseing your husband that takes curage and this website has to be a help i wish i had known about it a year ago.I have ask myself meany times if this was all there is after thirty years of commited marrige with wonderful loveing women it's so much more then anything some pepole ever have im so greatful to GOD for alowing me to sare my life someone so special.I to have three pets there cats and they have been a blessing as well my favorite is a gray mix breed who allways seems to know when im down or lonely he's by right there on my lape or laying right up against me.After i got done being mad at God it's become clear to that he blessed Teresa by calling her home when he did becouse the pain she'd have to live with i know would have more then she'd been able to handle they allready had on her more drugs then she was able to live with.If i may give you something to think about ,my wife was going to see a christian counseler like i said the pain was more then she handle,i was one off those pepole would have gone to one on my own but laddie toke me in teresa's place mainly becouse my wife meant a lot her .But my point is she help'd me so much beause i was able to tell about all of stuff that i was feeling and thinking some off which i thought was crazy heck i beleved i was going crazy but i found out that it was all part griefing i even was made at Teresa for dareing to die on me.Talking to friends or family is one thing but being able to talk to someone who can never repeat what i say to her and that realy kept me from loseing it all togather.Being on disability left me with way to much time on my hands and all i wanted to do was hide out from the world and sleep the only good thing being on disability was i was able to take care of my wife but now it left me empty in a house full of memories my therapist pushed me into doing some volunteer work and it has meant all the world the to me i work with a outfit that dose care packages for our brave military and it has given me new hope there is something about giveing of youself that helps you to keep your mind off yourself.Any way i have said to much im sorry for going on so im not very good at computers ,chris ill' add you to my prayers and i hope i said something that was helpful,GOD BLESS YOU ALAN

Permalink Reply by Julie on February 13, 2010 at 11:09am

Hi Chris, wow, we are very close in our losses. My beloved died on 1-14-10.
Yes, as the shock wears off, it will hurt more, you need to cry, scream, and get it out.
You must try to work through the grief, and not ignore it. Nothing is abnormal, you will cry so hard, it will feel like you are being split in half, as what happened to me only 3 days after he died. I was screaming and crying so hard, almost falling over, one of my Siberian Huskies, was howling and licking my face.
I know it seems pointless, but just take it literally one minute at a time.
I think it is really important to connect with others who are going through the same thing, as the general public will not get it at all, and they will ask real stupid questions, like, "How did he die". etc.
I did the same thing as far as the time frame, that is only done to help us piece together his death, as his was sudden and unexpected.
I have the Lord, but I have no children. Do what you have to do; I have been hugging his pillow or his bathrobe.

Permalink Reply by Chris B on February 13, 2010 at 8:33pm

So many people have said "the pain lessens over time" and part of me refuses to believe it because there's a 17-year-sized hole in my world right now that I don't think could ever be filled... and part of me is afraid to believe it because there's a 50+ year path ahead of me without him and my mind can't accept that right now. I'm afraid of being alone for the rest of my life, but I'm afraid of thinking there could ever be anyone else in my life because they could never be my Dan. I've spent the last two days in bed because there isn't anything that I want to do, and all the things I know I should be doing deal with Dan and I don't want to face doing them. If I stay here in my bedroom I can pretend that the only thing that exists is me and the laptop and the TV, and I don't have to remember that there's empty years ahead of me without him.

Permalink Reply by Julie on February 13, 2010 at 8:38pm

Chris, I am so sorry. I just had a big breakdown about an hour ago, as he left me with nothing, money wise, as he was disabled after 7 surgeries, so I need to rent out the Master bedroom, (our room)
and I will have to take the smaller bedroom. The rent here is 950- and his whole check paid the rent and my job as a Medical Transcriptionist, paid everything else, so, I have to rent that room out by March.
I have been moving his stuff out of the bedroom little by little and it is horrible, we were together for 14 years.
I broke down while putting his dress clothes, khakis, and work shirts and suits, into a bag. I literally fell on the bed. I just do not know how I can go on. I am working from home, and have paid most of my rent for Feb. but have a stack of bills a mile high as well.
I do not know what to tell you, other than I know how it feels and how painful it is.