Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by kathleen caylor on February 17, 2010 at 7:44am

You know,I got my husbands tombstone Dec.23rd,he died 9/13/09.What a Xmas present!On Xmas day after the kids left and Mom took her nap,I took some flowers down.I thought I was prepared and had talked myself into being tough.But low and behold I crumbled like aluminum foil!Sobbed uncontrollably.But since then ,I can visit without falling apart.I guess it was one of those "firsts" we experience.But I seem to feel his presence more at home.He lived here and died here,not in the cemetary.So do what makes you feel comfortable.You'll know when you are ready.

Permalink Reply by KarenV on February 17, 2010 at 8:29pm

My husband passed away on October 6, 2009. I still have a hard time looking at his ashes on my dresser but I wouldn't have it any other way. I talk to him all the time wish him a good morning or good night I always tell him I Love Him and miss him. I bought him a rose for valentine's day like I did for the last 28 years. I have a few more hurdles to get past. I got the holidays over, our son's birthday, next is my daughters birthday then...the vacation we always took together in March, I wasn't going to go but my kids convinced me that he would want me to go. So I'm off for 10 days to the vacation we always had together walking up and down the beach. My kids and grandkids are going with me, I've already warned them to expect me to cry a lot I'm sure it will start with the plane landing. On and on the list goes is there ever a good time? I've decided I have to take all the "firsts" and get them done. Am I stronger than you NO, I cry every step of the way, I yell, I scream and I ask why? You'll never be strong enough. All I can say is just do it and you'll feel so much better.

Permalink Reply by Mrstucker00 on February 17, 2010 at 9:02pm

Hello my husband passed away on Dec 16 I just recently visted his grave site I think that because that was the final place and it was so real so final is why it was hard for me to visit him. I know that he is a peace but I have not been able to dream about him as you have. When I went I just did it on the spur of the moment and I had my brother on the phone so I would not be alone. I told him hello that I was doing ok and that I loved him and missed him and was trying to handle everything as he would want me to.

It was hard but once the snow melts (I am in Ohio) I will decorate his area as I want it to look. It will take time but I know that in the summer i will go take my book, sit and read and play the radio for him. I am looking forward to spring/summer.Stay in prayer about it all.

Permalink Reply by BoLynn on February 17, 2010 at 9:42pm

I have my love's ashes here with me. I find it very comforting to have him near.

Listen to your heart. You will know when it's time and when it's ready for you to visit.

Permalink Reply by Missmylove47 on February 17, 2010 at 10:10pm

Hi Mrstucker00,

I am so sorry for your recent loss. Hope you are doing okay. My husband passed away almost 4 months ago, and I still on pain and crying missing him so much.
Regarding visiting his grave, It feels so weird to me, that the man I married, my soulmate, the love of my life, the man I shared my life and soul for 10 years, once a human being so alive, and happy, is now gone and buried forever. It hurts me so much....I can't see, comfort or see him anymore....and I miss it so much!
I always wanted to hold, and comfort him when he was suffering on pain. He always looked for comfort on me as well. I just can't imagine him buried and separated from me. Soon or later I will have to face it, I will take my daughter with me. I need to order a headstone for his grave, he was an veteran from armed forces. I told my daughter when the time comes, It will be very painful to me, because It will be hard to back home without my husband. I just wanted us to be together again as a happy family. I need more time to get stronger emotionally. God bless all of us.

Mrstucker00 said:

Hello my husband passed away on Dec 16 I just recently visted his grave site I think that because that was the final place and it was so real so final is why it was hard for me to visit him. I know that he is a peace but I have not been able to dream about him as you have. When I went I just did it on the spur of the moment and I had my brother on the phone so I would not be alone. I told him hello that I was doing ok and that I loved him and missed him and was trying to handle everything as he would want me to.

It was hard but once the snow melts (I am in Ohio) I will decorate his area as I want it to look. It will take time but I know that in the summer i will go take my book, sit and read and play the radio for him. I am looking forward to spring/summer.Stay in prayer about it all.

Permalink Reply by Missmylove47 on February 19, 2010 at 4:58am

Hi graig,

Thanks for your reply.I am so sorry for your loss of your wife. I am glad to know that you understand exactly how I feel. My husband whishes was to be buried next to his parents, he had a family plot purchased for him. So I just carried on his wishes the way he wanted me too.

The most difficult and painful thing I had to do by myself, soon after my husband's death was make the all funeral arrangements. Find the right funeral home, speak to the funeral director,have his body transfered from the hospital morgue to funeral home, casket, flowers, embalming, service viewing etc...talk to the cemetery.

It was so overwhelming, because was just 3 or 4 days after his death. I was numb, tired, depressed, lonely and I had to face all that just me and my daughter. I was falling apart, specially when I had to select his clothes to dress him up for the viewing, I almost had a nervous break down I was shaking, crying and barely could standing up. It was too much to me, I had to push myself very hard to get in my car and drive about 30 minutes away to the funeral home. I thought I couldn't do that, my daughter and God gave me strength.

Then later on the same day, at the service viewing which was very private, I saw the body of my husband. He was so handsome, in peace like he was sleeping. I held his right hand and placed a rosary between his fingers, his hands was so cold but was so good to feel it. I did one thing very special to my love, he always liked me to cover him up in the bed with the comfort, he would sleep like a baby(he was a big baby) The day of his burial next morning after the viewing, I arrived a little earlier to the funeral home, and covered him up with a baby blue blanket and I placed a small teddy bear into his casket. The reason for the bear is, when he was alive I used to call him 'Teddy Bear' and other cute names. He was sweet, hairy and soft like a Teddy Bear :) it makes me smile.

Also the funeral home made me about 20 prayers cards with his picture displayed, and Psalms: 23 from the bible, which read and look every day. I still have to back to cemetery, to finalize the order of his headstone. As his wife I received an american flag to cover his casket, and a certificate of honor from the President Obama, my dear husband was an Veteran.

If I had his ashes, I probably would have it with me. I miss him so much. Wishing I could erase the present and back in the past, and share my life with him all over again. Meeting, marrying him was the best thing that ever happened to me.

I cry very often, even after almost 4 months. We used to go together everywhere. Now I find myself crying, in the groceries store, while I am driving, everywhere I go we have been there together before, It is so hard to me. Before Valentines I went to the store and I saw a very big Valentine Teddy Bear....I did burst in tears this year my husband was not here with me and my daughter as always.

I struggle every day to go on without him. I have to be strong for my daughter be Mom and dad at the same time. I just can tell one thing for sure, live without your soulmate, and true love is the most painful thing to go through, like part of me is gone, I am not complete something is missing, I feel a big hole in my heart. I understand he is gone the hard thing is accept it, and move on. I have faith in God...I am getting stronger little by little. I am so thankful to God for the 10 years we shared our love and lives together. That is what we should appreciate right? and for what we still have!

Graig, You will know when you are ready to visit her grave... I will do the same.
Take care, God bless! You are in my prayers and thoughts...bye for now.

Permalink Reply by Missmylove47 on February 19, 2010 at 5:09am

Hi Linda,

I am not ready yet :( too many memories of him. I miss having my family together(me, my husband, daughter & the dogs) as before. It is so hard to let go. I have been crying every day. Lucky you have his ashes Linda. He wanted to be buried next to his parents, so I carried on his wishes.
I don't know what to do with this pain I feel on daily basis. Miss my love so much!!!
God bless all of us.....take care!

Linda said:

I have my love's ashes here with me. I find it very comforting to have him near.

Listen to your heart. You will know when it's time and when it's ready for you to visit.

Permalink Reply by BoLynn on February 20, 2010 at 2:41pm

Thank you Craig,

I do find something to make me smile about him everyday. A memory, his bowling shirt, his beloved Michael Jordan sneakers, his pictures that surround my computer, his aftershave that I place on my wrist sometimes to smell him. He gave me his all and it surrounds me today. I am blessed to have had his love for 28 years. That too makes me smile. My prayers are also with you and all here that need comfort in the thought that they are not alone and we all understand.

With warm aloha, Linda

Permalink Reply by jan on February 20, 2010 at 3:00pm

I know how u feel however I went to my husbands gravesite a week after funeral...yea you cry but you need to go for you. I try and go every week I went on Valentines but it was covered with snow live in Jersey and just cried and cried...going back tomorrow...

Permalink Reply by Missmylove47 on February 20, 2010 at 6:10pm

Hi Tom,

I am so sorry for the loss of your beloved wife Loni. Before meet my John, I was married with Thomas my previous husband for almost 12 years. He passed away back in 1999, after two years fighting with lung cancer caused by nicotine. He wanted to be cremated and his ashes scattered at sea to feed the fishes, because he loved to fish. So I carried on his wishes. But I always felt bad because I have no place to visit, place flowers in his memory. He visits me a lot in my dreams he hugs me and comfort me when I need to, I know that he is looking after me and my daughter. I have a daughter from my previous marriage which ended up in divorce, I was very young only 22 years old when I married for the first time, it lasted only 1 1/2 year, after the birth of my daughter I was 23 then I decided to fill for divorce. My daugher's father still alive and well, and never remarried again.

Anyway, when my daughter was 2 years old I remarried again with Thomas. He raised my daughter like his own daughter she called him dad. He was such a wonderful husband and father. he didn't have any child together.

After he passed away, I met my John(who passed away recently) just 5 months after, and we just clicked. He was 25 years older than me( looked much younger than his age) and was single for over 30 years, after his previous divorce which lasted only 7 years. He never had any kids in his previous marriage.

When we met I was numb, lonely, lost and grieving for the loss of my late husband Thomas. I was unable to love someone, or start a love relationship. I was so empty inside, actually I was pushing him away fro me. But my John understood, with his love, patient, and persistence he made me fall crazy in love with him. Then after 2 years dating and engaged we had a beautiful wedding :)

We started a new life, new home, with my daughter then 16 yrs old, and our toy poodle snoopy. I was feeling so happy and complete marrying my love and soulmate John, it was a match from heaven. Our age difference didn't matter to me, never bothered me he was funny, smart, easy going, always ready to go, caring,good listener,loving and very afftectionate. He would remind me many times a day, how much he loved me, and kiss me all the time for the long 10 years of our life that we shared our love and lives together.

Tom, even after marry this wonderful man and when he still alive. The memories of my late husband Thomas always was there, and always will. I loved both but in different ways. Sometimes I did cry, and talk about my late husband with John. He would listen and comfort me( sometimes a little jeaulosy) It no means that I loved one more than another, It just memories I shared my life with both of them,in different ways. We can erase memories, specially someone you married with and meant so much to you in the past. I always have a feeling that John didn't like me to talk about my late husband Thomas. Both of them are gone now, I still love and praying for both of them. It sounds crazy I know, I sound like a black widow huh? Sometimes I am wondering what they are discussing in heaven, and when I die who will be waiting for me.....both of them?

I have 5 toy poddle dogs, from our beloved 'Snoopy' who died in 2006 hit by a car. I noticed that after my husband John passed away, they were very depressed and didn't want eat at all. Pets do grieving too, Candy the mother of the puppies she was very attached to my husband, poor thing was so depressed that she got sick and died 3 weeks ago. My daughter is having a hard time with that, she loved her pet so much!
I talk to her a lot about loss and grief, she has been thru alot lately. Our pets are helping us to heal too, I love them like my babies, They are part of my family, many times they make us laugh :)

I understand how you feel about your kitties, they are very special.
Tom, be widow and don't have someone to lean on is very difficult. I don't have any friends or family to count on, I have just me, my daughter, and God to lean on......and my pets of course :) my husband's family disapeared after the funeral and don't want to be bothered, also they live in another state. Selfish isn't???
But remember we are never alone God is with us all the time, and our loved ones still ALIVE in our hearts, looking after us from heaven. The hard part to accept is they gone......and we still ALIVE. Our lives continue. Regarding, this lady that you adopted as your daughter, and the decision about she visits or lives with you. My advice is 'listen to you heart' always. Do what you think is okay, and you feel comfortable with. Just try to make a good judgment, and make the right decision, if you not 100% sure about something wait......don't rush!

Important decisions in life takes time. I am 47 years old and my husband was 72.
Have been almost 4 months since he passed away, I miss him so much our live together, I miss we being a family. I don't think if I even be able to loving another man again, or be in a realtionship. What I shared with my John was a very special bond between us. My daughter tells me that is up to God decides that not me. Maybe.....is too soon, the memories of my Honey still so ALIVE. I am having such a hard time without him. I think each grief is different because it depends, how much we loved and cared for our loved ones. The deep you love and care, the deep, painful and longer will be the grief process.

One thing is for sure Tom, our spouses from the Heaven want us to be happy and continue our lives without them. Remember that.... Have faith ask God for guidance e strength. I am praying for you. You are not alone, we are all grieving together. I am here to talk whatever you need to ok.

God bless!


Tom said:

I'm not sure how to address your question because everyone is different.
My wife Loni was married before me and her husband Terry had passed away three years before Loni and I got married. She still had Terry's ashes in a red tool box in a tool shed out back of our house. I would always say hello to Terry when I went to the shed to get something or do some work out there. Weird right !
It was out of respect for Loni. I had told her what I would say when I was out there. I finally asked Loni about finishing what should be done with Terry's ashes, to have them scattered where ever they had planned to do so. She said it was probably the time to do so. I told Loni it was up to her and when she was ready and that I just wanted to bring it up and that I was not pushing it.
I really felt that it was time Loni took that next hard step and despose of Terry's ashes as it should be. I always encouraged Loni to talk of Terry when ever she wanted to, it was O.K. with me. He was a part of Loni's life for 30 years. You just don't stop thinking as if 30 years of your life didn't exist. I had 7 of the best years of my life with Loni, and I'll be darned if I am going to forget one minute of it . If I could I would be with Loni at her grave site often to just talk with her and laugh too, and of course tell her how much I miss her. Loni was creamated and scattered at sea. I still tell Loni every day how much i love her as I did when she was alive. Why stop now ! It was real then and it's real now ! Our 11 kitties come to me now like they use to go to Loni, and leave me messages to tell Loni. I know they really miss Loni, and I tell them Loni loves you still and I tell her you miss her, and then give them all the pets they want. It's comforting to me and it makes the kitties feel better too. They can not be left out of the griving process.
It's interesting to me to see how they are doing about losing Loni and how they deal with it. They are doing better than I am, and i can and will learn from them.
Most of them have come to me for their support and to be comforted. We all need someone to lean on, even me. I'm doing that also with someone I have never met, but call her my daughter. She calls me dad. We unoffically adopted her, and she adopted Loni and I as her mother and dad a little over a year ago.
Her real mother died a month ago from cancer. It happened fast. I plan on bringing her to my home from Boston to California this spring to spend a few weeks and show her Yosemite and the Big Trees ( redwoods ) and other places around here. It will do her a world of good and me to, just to be with each other for a while. She can stay here as long as she wants and has her own room. If she likes it here she can live here. I don't expect that though, she has a large family back east that she is very close to. Her real father never had anything to do with her that's why she wanted me to be her Dad. She's 40 years old and I'm 60 years old and never had the daughter I always wanted. So this has been working for us both for over a year now. Stranger things have happened to me during these 60 years ! This is cool with me ! And it just may be my way out from all the heart ache from losing Loni, or at least a bit of relief. Long story Huh !
I guess my point is take steps, or you will never get anywhere. Tom