Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by diane Toffelmire on March 9, 2010 at 8:42am

My husband has been gone 14 months.I married at 17 and was with him for 47 years.I still have most of his things. I gave our kids and grandkids some of his personal things that would mean something to them. I know how you feel about no motivation. I am still struggling with that, but it is getting better. Not a day goes by that I don't think about him. I still get angry with him and yell at his urn. I couldn't bury him , our sons made his urn and I can't bare to let him go. Maybe some day I can, but not today.All I can say is take one day at a time.

Permalink Reply by Carina on March 11, 2010 at 8:13pm

I feel exactly the same way, only 3 months have passed by since my dear good husband passed away, and still feels as if he was at home. You are lucky you have a daughter, and can have dogs. I live in an apartment building and they don't allow pets. Someone in Congress should do something about this law against pets. There should be a law that no one can deny others the right to have a pet. I feel so lonesome, so sad, so misserable, and I know I will feel a lot better with the company of a cute dog, those animals are adorable, and they help people. A dog would have helped my husband to feel a lot better when he was fighting the cancer. What is Ironic is that there are so many people who hate dogs, but when something happens to one of their love ones and cannot find them, they used the dogs to look for their love ones, right? How nice. This should be not allowed, everyone should be allowed to have dogs if they wish. Some people tell me that I should move to a building where dogs are allowed. There are not too many, and it is very easy to say it than do it. At this stage in life it is not easy to be moving. The ones moving should be those who hate animals.

Permalink Reply by Peggy on March 12, 2010 at 7:44pm

I remember the first few months after my husband of 35 years died, as being like you discribe. I felt empty, lonely, imcomplete and without purpose.
It seemed like I had to deal with some sort of bussiness connected with his death every day and I hated it.
Forms for life insurance, mortage insurance, probating the will, learning how to pay bills just to mention a few.
I regarded every task as a monumental step in getting through another day.
Other hard things for me were gathering all (most all) of his clothes and taking them to Goodwill. That was an experience like taking a leap off the high dive. I just did it.

I wanted to die too. All of life's activities held no meaning without my husband. It hardly mattered that I have three children that love me and two precious grandchildren.
Grief took me over like getting caught in the swift current of a river. There are times that I think it's best to let go and just be taken by the current and cry and wail for as long as it takes.
I began in a very mechanical way, like therapy, getting involved in a new church. I didn't want to go to the same one my husband and I had been going to.
(That's just me.) I found a support group called Griefshare (www.griefshare.org), that really helped tremendously.
I don't think I'll ever 'get over' my husband's death but three years + I am more used to it.
I am a Christian and I've had the hope and support of my heavenly Father and other Christians. I had never noticed in scripture before my husband's death, that Jesus publicly grieved for his friend Lazarus (gospel of John).
It helped me to know that grieving is part of the human experience and God Himself had felt it and expressed it.
Losing your mate puts you in a unique group of people that do know what you are experiencing.
God bless you on your journey through grief and my prayer is that you find hope, purpose, joy and peace in you new circumstances.

Permalink Reply by Cathy on March 12, 2010 at 8:24pm

I too miss my love, my soul mate.... It is very hard to carry on every day things, like getting up in the morning, but I too have a toy poodle, "business" and she keeps me going. I know some days you just feel like pulling the covers over your head, but you don't... you get up. Stay connected to others, you need their help and hugs. Don't be alone in your grief... Also I find taking long deep breaths help me as well. Take Care, Cathy

Permalink Reply by Missmylove47 on March 14, 2010 at 6:27am

Dear Peggy,

Thanks for your kind words and support. I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. As I read your comment it made me crying. I thought I was alone in this.

You seems to understand exactly the way I feel. My emotions are so mixed, it is like ride in a rollercoaster. Up and downs.....some days I go without cry, then of suddenly, something reminds me of my beloved husband, then the circle start allover again. I miss my love, and soulmate so much, wishing I could be with him, If was not for my daughter, my faith in God, and my 5 lovely little poodle dogs, life would be without purpose, many times I lost interest in life then I asked God for strength, and guidance. Is very hard to live without my husband day by day, missing his arms around me comforting me, his daily 'I love you Honey' and his sweet kisses. His hands holding mine....my head against his chest.....feeling so secure,without any fears. I miss his excellent sense of humor.....his jokes......his bright eyes, and smile....his scent. I miss being a family.....I miss my another half.....I miss everything about my beloved husband John. I still in love with him......more than ever! I think I never will be able to replace him....or love another man again. In my heart he still and will be forever my husband. I am 47 years old. My daughter tells me that I will find someone else soon or later.....but I have no interest, or even cross my mind be in a love relationship again. I never loved someone so deeply.....in the way I love my honey. People noticed that we loved each other so much....it like was a match made in heaven, which lasted 10 years. I am so thankful to God for that! I know that one day I will see him again. Sometimes I imagine seeing him coming towards me with his arms open, I run faster as I could and place my arms around him holding him very tight, and don't let him go..never again!

About his belongs it still the same way he left, except for the bedding I changed it. His clothes, shoes, even his roller walker still in the front porch of our home. I am not ready yet, to give it up!
I always say 'Hi honey..I love you' to his walker as I touch it, when I came back home. Sounds crazy isn't? I know......but love is crazy :) I even not strong yet to sleep in our bed, or go visit his graveside. My heart and brain is just not accepting that he is gone forever! I need time to adjust in my new marital status, and learn to live without him in my life. I agree it never goes way, the pain will be there forever. I strong believe Peggy, that God sometimes place us in difficult situations to bring us closer to him, and test our faith. I pray and read a bible every single day, also I watch a religious chanel on my TV which is helping me so much. For my husband's funeral I ordered 20 prayer cards with his picture displayed and PSALMS: 23

Because my husband and I, were always together, at the beginning was very hard to me, go places without him, every single place reminded me of him. I used to drive my car and cry, asking God for help...It is no way, I could void those places I had to face it, was very emotional....but is getting better. I need to comfront it!

I have many short dreams of my husband, about 3 days ago....I was taking a nap on the sofa, I was alone it was in the afternoon. I was laid on my right side, I was sleeping but seems that I was waking I could see his face, nose and his chest.....laid next to me on his back with his eyes closed. I was going to touch his chest, but I had a feeling for not do that, then I woke up!


I know that he is next to me, watching me as an angel. Peggy I am glad that you are stronger now. Hope I can reach that point one day. Hopefuly soon!
If you don't mind me to ask....when did your husband died?


May God bless you, and keep guiding and holding your hands. Remember your husband is watching over you as an angel from heaven.
Take care.....Olivia

Permalink Reply by Missmylove47 on March 14, 2010 at 7:19am

Dear Carina,

I am so sorry for your loss, it is so recent! For me have been almost 5 months. I can imagine what you are going through Carina, I have been there, and still walking alone in the middle of a dark and cloud road. That is what the grieving feels like, everything looks lifeless, dark and gray. Specially if you are alone, not kids or even a pet. Oh Carina my heart goes out for you. Yes, I agree with you why you can't have a pet in your apartment. Do you live in a small town?

Pets are great healers as well, holding a pet is good therapy, you need that at this time. Thanks God I have my 5 little poddles, and my daughter to keep me going. I live in a house so I can have pets. Only birds, or farmer animals are not allowed.Where I live I have Homeowners Association which I dislike so much, I feel I live in a prision, so many City Rules. Talking about a free Country huh? Many apartment buildings don't allow pets even here in Florida. I am against that law too. My pets are like my babies. I love them so much....they make us laugh. They miss Dad my husband :(

Carina can you move to a small house? or other apartment, which allow pets? then you can have pets.

I know you feel lonely, numb, and sad. It is not good being alone at this time. I feel lonely cause I don't have any family or friends to count on, or just give me a hug. I get strength from God, hug from my daughter and alot licks from the puppies:)
Daughter pushes me .....without her I probably would be deeply depressed.

Carina are you Catholic? If yes, read a bible and pray every day. I recommend Psalms:23 Psalms: 91 Psalms:54 .....It is helping me!
Have faith in God, you will experience so many emotions right now, it is normal is all part of grieving. Take it slow, day by day......cry as much as you want to. When I cry I get stronger......because it get out of my chest!

Remember your husband is not suffering anymore Carina, when we love someone we don't want see that person to suffer right? I loved and still love my husband so much, the only thing that comforts me is the fact.....that he is not suffering anymore, or depending on dialysis machine to survive.Your husband is watching over you as an angel from the heaven. You are not alone....you have God, your husband as angel, and us here. For how long your husband had cancer.....if you don't mind me to ask?

God bless you, I will be praying for you!
Olivia


Carina said:

I feel exactly the same way, only 3 months have passed by since my dear good husband passed away, and still feels as if he was at home. You are lucky you have a daughter, and can have dogs. I live in an apartment building and they don't allow pets. Someone in Congress should do something about this law against pets. There should be a law that no one can deny others the right to have a pet. I feel so lonesome, so sad, so misserable, and I know I will feel a lot better with the company of a cute dog, those animals are adorable, and they help people. A dog would have helped my husband to feel a lot better when he was fighting the cancer. What is Ironic is that there are so many people who hate dogs, but when something happens to one of their love ones and cannot find them, they used the dogs to look for their love ones, right? How nice. This should be not allowed, everyone should be allowed to have dogs if they wish. Some people tell me that I should move to a building where dogs are allowed. There are not too many, and it is very easy to say it than do it. At this stage in life it is not easy to be moving. The ones moving should be those who hate animals.

Permalink Reply by Pamela Thomas on May 24, 2010 at 5:59pm

I truly understand what you are going through. My husband Reggie passed away 2/7/09. I find myself not being motivated. Being a widow is very overwhelming. Just remember you are not alone. Don't be so hard on yourself. You will accomplish everything that needs to be done.

Permalink Reply by Mary on May 24, 2010 at 6:08pm

My husband passed away on Feb 9, 2010. I am still trying to understand what happened, I was his caregiver and he, Kerry, was my whole life, I went to work, came home to him and our little mini schnauzer. I was so lost without him, I felt like part of me had died with him. I am in the process of trying to find out who I am, where do I fit in ... in this life. I know it is hard, believe me, I truly know how hard it really is to just keep going on. And for some reason, I am still going on, my focus in life is changing, I am trying to get out and meet people. I joined a grief share group, they meet once a week, and I joined some ladies who play Bunco once a month, I would like it better if they met every week too, But I am learning who I am and what I can be. I will pray for you my friend. mary

Permalink Reply by Randolph L. Schrader on May 24, 2010 at 11:01pm

Hi missmylove, no its not easy. I still have a lot of the same problems, we all probably do. I lost my wife, my pal of 44years. I have no motivation except when I must. Otherwise I am like a zombie, just going thru the motions. Nothing will be the same anymore or look the same. I know you will do what you do and we all understand. Hug to you.

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