Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Katy on March 12, 2010 at 12:41am

laurie - i think the commonality in our circumstances are so similar, please contact me, or send your email address. my name is katy, kdaugherty5011@comcast.net.

this is a wonderful website. i visited and corresponded here for a few weeks only. everyone handles it (yes, "it" like a disease) differently.
please contact me. we can talk.

your post hurt so much, because of the similarity.

jim, by the way, after 2 years of togetherness, couldnt believe i finally found true love after all these years alone, passed on jan 5. i am dying inside, and just last night i begged him, pleaded with him, to come for me.

i think we can help each other.

take care. and for tonite, just dont expect too much from yourself.

Permalink Reply by Julie on March 12, 2010 at 7:52am

Dear Laurie, it is early morning and I am up to type some medical transcription, as I work from home. Please, please email me at: yeshuasga2003@yahoo.com, as I just lost my beloved husband, Dennis Paul, 8 weeks ago, and he was only 51, we, were only together for a short time as well. God told me to reach out to other people and use my pain to help others, as well. So, please, write to me. Thank you. Julie

Permalink Reply by Julie on March 12, 2010 at 7:52am

Laurie: correction to my email: yeshuasgal2003@yahoo.com.
Thank you.

Permalink Reply by Glenda F. Camp on March 12, 2010 at 8:15am

There are no simple answers to dealing with the loss of someone so special in your life. Losing someone unexpectedly is particularly difficult because you don't have a chance to say goodbye or prepare yourself as best you can. People on Legacy.com have experienced loss and know what it's like to deal with all the consequences of loss. There are probably opportunities for support groups in your community designed for helping those who are living with loss.

On November 10, 2009, I lost the love of my life and best friend. We were married for 26 years, and he was truly my soul mate. He was older and had been battling aplastic anemia for eleven months. I tried to prepare myself for life without him-without much success. Whether the loss was sudden or expected, grief is not the same for any two individuals. However, those who have lost a loved one can empathize with others and provide much needed support. If I can be of help, please let me know. My email address is glendac554@aol.com.

Permalink Reply by Yaca Attwood on March 12, 2010 at 8:34am

Greetings, Laurie,

I am so very, very sorry to hear of the devastating loss of your beloved...._you_ loved him, and that is all that need matter; you need not have been married to him to feel the great chasm of his loss.

Cremation, when you do not have the remains, is difficult....my husband died on 29 June 2009, and he always told me he didn't want a service, didn't want a casket, that he just wanted to be cremated - and I honored his wishes. Because of lack of funds (he did not have a will or any life insurance), I used a cremation service, and his remains were disposed of at sea, 12 miles off the coast of San Diego. I could have gone to see his body cremated, and I went back and forth about it, but I decided that _he_ was no longer in that body, and I did not go.

There are those times that I do wish I could go to a physical place, a burial site, or an urn, to have a sense of connection to him; what I did, instead, was to put together a little "Memory Box" with pictures (I even have his Baby Book), his doctoral dissertation (he was a clinical psychologist, a Psy.D), the hood from his doctoral graduation, a lock of his hair, etc. It is very comforting to open the Memory Box and pull out a picture or other memento of him.

Hopefully his mother will allow you to have some of his remains for you to place in a ring or locket or suitable container, or perhaps be willing to part with a picture or some other personal memento....it is not right, but sometimes when you haven't been married to the person, their family feels like you have no right or part in their loved one.

If the family is unwilling to allow you something, I suggest you have your own "Light Up A Life" ceremony, where you gather friends, etc around, with their memories, stories, etc, and then someone lights a candle in honor of your beloved. Then, you can keep that candle as part of your memories of him.

Peace, healing and blessings be upon you - Yaca Attwood Perkins

Permalink Reply by Deb on March 12, 2010 at 12:38pm

Laurie, I am so sorry for your loss. I can relate to your feelings so much. My Junior passed away on June 20, 2009, following a battle with cancer. We had been friends for over 40 years. We had started dating in summer 2007; and, needless to say, I found the love of my life!! We had such a great time together....we spent almost every minute together. He was diagnosed with cancer Spring 2008; took chemo treatments for a year. I, like you, am so very blessed to have had the time together that we had - even if it was sooo short!! He told me before he died that he wished we had many more years together but we had to be thankful for the time we did have. I find that going to the places we shared together (the park, the river, etc.) makes me feel so very close to him. I purchased an item from a website called "Personal Creations" that has a beautiful verse on it, and personalized with his name, dates of birth and death. It is called a "Cross Memorial Stone"; would be great to put in a special place for you to honor him. It is only $24.95, and very much worth it! Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. Write any time you want. My email is debbier53@hotmail.com. Believe me, I know some of the many feelings you are having. God bless and keep you!

Permalink Reply by Laurie on March 13, 2010 at 10:41pm

Hi Katy,

I'm so very sorry for your loss. Like you, I ask every night for him to come and get me. Come the morning ... I wake up. It's just not my time, I guess. Billy used to say that if he took a breath in the morning, God wasn't ready for him yet. It wasn't his time. I wish I could adopt his attitude into my life and be grateful for every day I do have as he did. He was always there for anyone, anytime and for any reason ... no matter how he was feeling. He had a tough life growing up but was a remarkable person with an amazing spirit. Never spiteful or vengeful. He regretted nothing ... just got through and learned from it. Now, as I sit at home in bed most days, I can barely muster the strength for anything. I also suffer from clinical depression already, so my parents and Dr. are worried about how little I've been able to motivate. It's been 2 months, and I feel like it was yesterday. I have myself a good cry every night as I go to sleep, cuddled up to the pillow he took with him everywhere. It allows me to feel like he's kindof still cuddling with me through the night. Thanks for your response and letting me know I'm not alone ... which I feel so much of the time. My best to you and may you come through this a stronger and even better person for having had your 2 years in such a wonderful relationship.

Laurie

Katy said:

laurie - i think the commonality in our circumstances are so similar, please contact me, or send your email address. my name is katy, kdaugherty5011@comcast.net.

this is a wonderful website. i visited and corresponded here for a few weeks only. everyone handles it (yes, "it" like a disease) differently.
please contact me. we can talk.

your post hurt so much, because of the similarity.

jim, by the way, after 2 years of togetherness, couldnt believe i finally found true love after all these years alone, passed on jan 5. i am dying inside, and just last night i begged him, pleaded with him, to come for me.

i think we can help each other.

take care. and for tonite, just dont expect too much from yourself.

Permalink Reply by Laurie on March 13, 2010 at 10:44pm

Dear Julie,

Thank you for taking time during your period of grief to reach out to me. I'd like to hear more about your story and share more of mine with you. Perhaps together we can become stronger in sharing the loves of our lives.

Laurie

Julie said:

Dear Laurie, it is early morning and I am up to type some medical transcription, as I work from home. Please, please email me at: yeshuasga2003@yahoo.com, as I just lost my beloved husband, Dennis Paul, 8 weeks ago, and he was only 51, we, were only together for a short time as well. God told me to reach out to other people and use my pain to help others, as well. So, please, write to me. Thank you. Julie

Permalink Reply by Laurie on March 13, 2010 at 11:00pm

Billy turned out to be the greatest love I have ever known. I'm not sure I could ever find anything even close to it. People say, "remember the good times", but they just make me sad and cry ... because there won't be any more of them. We had what we had for as long as we had it which also makes me cry. It feels so unfair. Our time together wasn't long enough. There was more for us to do, see, experience together. It should have been a longer journey for us.

I'm also trying to figure out my place within his family. I wasn't Billy's wife, so they aren't my in-laws, but as his girlfriend he included me and brought me into his family immediately - and they accepted me immediately. He has a 16 year old son. He and I went to dinner together last night for the first time - just the 2 of us. I talked to him about how I was feeling, did he want me to continue to be in his life, how does he feel, etc. He told me, "Laurie, I love you like family. I'm always here for you." I love him so much - even though I have only known him for less than a year. And onto the rest of the family ... and what will happen if I meet someone new ... someday? They are all wonderful people. I just am not sure how they fit into my life and how I fit into theirs.

Permalink Reply by Liz on March 18, 2010 at 1:34pm

Laurie,
I know how you feel to a point. My husband was taken from me a year ago in January. I went to bed with a house of people sick with the stomach flu- me, my husband and 2 kids... I woke up to my husband dead on the floor the following morning. We had no clue what killed him. His mother and sister and family members have said the nastiest things about me... and made my grieving ten times harder... 2 months later, i got answers. he died of addisons symptoms- cant diagnose unless they are alive-...we had no clue when he was alive he was suffering... he thought he was getting allergies etc... anyway, shawn was creamated also bc that was his wishes. i have his ashes though. his family has asked me for some of the ashes. and even though they were nasty to me, i will give his mother and father alone some ashes as they were his parents and deserve to have a small piece of him too... just not til i am ready to deal with it again.. my point is- ask his mother for a tiny part of his ashes. usually they are in plastic bags in the urn. if not, you can contact a funeral director and see if they can help you out. the worst she can say is no. but if you explain how you are grieving too and how much you loved him and just ask for a tiny bit-the worst she can say is no-which will be nothing to everything you have been through in the past months. You will get through it. I have two books if you are interested that helped me through this...Widow to Widow and I'm grieving as fast as I can... you will get through it.. just find something to devote yourself to daily.. and only live day to day... soon you will be able to live for the future.. it will always hurt to breathe without them.. but soon it will get easier... i promise.