Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by kathleen caylor on April 20, 2010 at 3:37pm

Chistmas sucked!!I tryed to be cheerful and not spoil it for everyone else.It felt like the day of his funeral.I was in a daze from the 24 through the 26th.This Sunday is his 66th birthday.I've decided to surround myself with my family and friends and have a BBQ.Just take charge of the situation and hit it head on.See if this works any better.I'm so tired of being sad,Just want to party with our friends.I'll let you know if it works.

Permalink Reply by Peg Otley on April 20, 2010 at 5:26pm

I will be very interested to know if that works. I know for me, I would just have my mind set that each event would be a crappy one and I would just muddle through them to satisfy the family. I guess if we would TRY to think the opposite, maybe we would do better. If you tell me this worked for you, then I will try it for my next event. By the way, Thank you so very much for responding. So far, you are the only one who has responded since I joined this and I was starting to feel like no one was reading my posts or if they were, they just didn't care. I DO appreciate you taking the time to respond. Looking forward to your answer after Sunday. I will also wish him a Happy Birthday in Heaven on Sunday.

Permalink Reply by Lyn A on April 20, 2010 at 6:44pm

You are not alone, the "Firsts" for me have been very difficult. I lost the love of my life on January 25th. Our birthdays were in February, a few days apart, we were suppose to be on vacation during that week, but instead on my birthday we had a second memorial service for him on the east coast where his family lived. On his birthday a few days later, I spent the day with my sister remembering him. I'm sure, like your friend suggested, the birthdays will be even more difficult next year, since I'm sure I was still in shock. It just seems like each one gets more and more difficult! Just know that you are not alone.

Permalink Reply by BoLynn on April 20, 2010 at 6:52pm

Peg, I have gone through almost all of my "firsts". Each and every one of them was heart wrenching for me. April 18th was one of the hardest. It was our 29th wedding anniversary. I have one more "first" to go, the 1st anniversary of his death, August 30th.

Don't worry about what people say. They have no idea what and how we feel. People think that since it's been X number of days, you should be over it and move on. THEY DON'T KNOW BUMKISS!!!!!!!!!! Heal and grieve in your own time. Take care and God Bless...........Linda

Permalink Reply by Connie on April 20, 2010 at 8:06pm

Peg, It will be 6 months on Mother's Day that I lost my husband. My birthday is on the 8th of May. Our grandaughter's First Holy Communion is on May 1st. Thanksgiving was terrible, Christmas was worse, New Year's Eve was no picnic, and Valentine's Day was horrible. I expect the worst is yet to come with Father's Day and his birthday and our wedding anniversary and then the 1st anniversary of his death. I am dreading the next few weeks and the next few months, and I guess the next few years. Peg, don't concern yourself with what other people think you should be feeling. I have read many, many books on grief over the last few months and they all tell you that you should grieve as you need to and to pay no attention to anyone who tries to tell you what you should be feeling.

I am very fortunate to have a very close friend who lost her husband 11 years ago and knows what I am going through and can relate to my feelings. But even after 11 years, she has not stopped hurting. I don't believe that ever will come.

I can remember when I lost my parents. I was very difficult for me but I had my husband and children and I was able to lean on him. I got through that because I had him and now I am alone. We were married for 46 years on October 15th. He was in the hospital and under sedation so he never even knew what day it was.

I guess no one can understand what we are dealing with unless they have been there themselves. Don't concern yourself with anyone other than yourself.

Permalink Reply by Max on April 20, 2010 at 9:03pm

Peg...I understand devastation...it has been less than 2 months since I lost my husband of 40 years...we were married since we were 18. Every day I wake up alone feels like a first. Only you know how you feel inside. There is no proper way to deal with bereavement. Every moment - every memory - every reminder has the potential to bring you to your knees. I survived Easter but I don't know how - guess just minute by minute until it was blessedly over.

Permalink Reply by Peg Otley on April 20, 2010 at 10:27pm

Max said:

Peg...I understand devastation...it has been less than 2 months since I lost my husband of 40 years...we were married since we were 18. Every day I wake up alone feels like a first. Only you know how you feel inside. There is no proper way to deal with bereavement. Every moment - every memory - every reminder has the potential to bring you to your knees. I survived Easter but I don't know how - guess just minute by minute until it was blessedly over.

Permalink Reply by deborah diggs on April 20, 2010 at 10:40pm

I lost my husband to Sepsis( complications from ESRD, and diabetes) on March 16,2016. So far I have had to deal with the first time i got in his car( i thought I would stop breathing) the first Easter, (horrible) , the first time I went to work withou him asking to drive me to work, the first day of leaving work, and not seeing him to pick me up, the first time I cooked for one,,,,the first time I got into bed alone, the first time i ran to tell him something and he wasnt there..Every first is simply horrible,,,just horrible,,,,and these are not even the holidays,,,,so yes , all the firsts are the worst ..even the small stuff....the first time i went to one of our favorite restaurants without him,,,,really bad,,,,,first time I made a pot of tea , and took down 2 cups,,,,etc...On the upside ,,,,it will reverse,,,one day we will have the first time we smiled at a memory, or the first time we realize that we have a right to live, or the first time we realize that they are not really gone, just existing in a different realm, or the first time we realize that we are here to love again and again..and that they want that for us too.......

Permalink Reply by Peg Otley on April 20, 2010 at 10:48pm

Sorry about that...hit the wrong button.
Hi Max. I feel for you too. I don't really know if 2 months or 4 months has any different feeling as it still seems like yesterday. I know you are right though about how WE feel inside ourselves. No one can tell us how we should feel. I have been put on a mild antidepressant. I'm not sure it is helping but the doctor wants me to take it anyway so I am. Life, as I knew it is over. You are also right about waking every morning alone. My Harry and I were very close and we got along so well. It was a wonderful relationship. I actually had someone say to me "there's another man out there for you, you'll be ok". I was shocked! If I live to be 100 (God forbid), there will NEVER be another man in my life. I am 58 and however long I have to endure this horrible life, it will be without a husband.
I know that man meant well but he didn't think before he spoke. At that time, it had only been 2 months. When people ask me how I am, I tell them I'm taking it one day at a time...one minute at a time. Even 4 mos later, it is still so fresh. I know you feel that too. My husband was diagnosed in May 2009 with stage 4 pancreatic cancer. He NEVER went to the doctor. He died 6 1/2 mos later, just 12 days before Christmas. He did not suffer for long nor did he have horrible pain like some people endure. He did not ask for much pain meds but sometimes I think he endured more than he had to so he could be "with it" while the kids and grandchildren were here. I hope your husband did not have to suffer. THAT is one thing we do not want them to go through. I will keep you in my prayers and feel free to write me at any time. Embrace family and friends. They are the ones who will get us through this.

Permalink Reply by Peg Otley on April 20, 2010 at 10:55pm

deborah diggs said:

I lost my husband to Sepsis( complications from ESRD, and diabetes) on March 16,2016. So far I have had to deal with the first time i got in his car( i thought I would stop breathing) the first Easter, (horrible) , the first time I went to work withou him asking to drive me to work, the first day of leaving work, and not seeing him to pick me up, the first time I cooked for one,,,,the first time I got into bed alone, the first time i ran to tell him something and he wasnt there..Every first is simply horrible,,,just horrible,,,,and these are not even the holidays,,,,so yes , all the firsts are the worst ..even the small stuff....the first time i went to one of our favorite restaurants without him,,,,really bad,,,,,first time I made a pot of tea , and took down 2 cups,,,,etc...On the upside ,,,,it will reverse,,,one day we will have the first time we smiled at a memory, or the first time we realize that we have a right to live, or the first time we realize that they are not really gone, just existing in a different realm, or the first time we realize that we are here to love again and again..and that they want that for us too.......

Permalink Reply by Peg Otley on April 20, 2010 at 11:25pm

Deborah,
My deepest sympathy for you with your loss. Those FIRSTS are HORRIBLE...I agree. I can relate to many of the firsts you speak about here. The worst one for me is getting into bed alone. That king size bed seems so lonely. I hug his pillow now. I used to hug HIM. Not much help. SO many times I actually said.."I'll ask Harry, he will know. I still do that.
I lost a brother to sepsis so I know what you went through watching as the organs fail one by one. That was awful. Even knowing that, we were STILL holding out hope...against all odds. 8 days later he passed at the age of 39. THAT was a different kind of loss from Harry.
You had 40 years together. That is wonderful. We, who stay married that long are a dying breed. Too many people getting married and getting divorced after the first fight. I resent that we had so many years together because we truly loved each other and then have it taken away. Maybe I am selfish. I've never been a selfish person until now. It helps to have family and friends who truly care. I hope you have that type of support system. It really helps but it is still something WE have to get through on our own. I look forward to the "UP side" someday. We have had a lot of smiles when we reminisce. My Harry was a real character so we have many funny memories. That does help sometimes and other times it makes you sad because you want it again. This is not a simple task. It is going to take a long time and I'm in it for the long haul so if you need to write...please feel free. I'm here. My Dad has been in and out of the hospital since Harry's death and I have been very busy taking Mom and staying with her at the hospital for Dad. He is now home and I still have to go and check on them. Keeping busy helps take the mind off of our sadness. God Bless You

Permalink Reply by kathy obiedzinski on April 21, 2010 at 8:13am

peg i just read your story on the website my husband died 3/1/09 we would have been married 35 years in july but he was not here with me to celebrate on thanksgiving i had nothing to be thankful for christmas eve i cried and could not stop because i wanted him back with me so much. christmas day was a little better i was with my grandchildren and they kept me busy. new years eve cried again news day cried for my husband his birthday was 1/28/ no husband to wih a happy birthday to i remember the good times we had but it would never be the same i remember him being really down and out around christmas time because his parents passed around the holidays. and he neve like them but he tried to be happy because of the grandchildren still it has been 1 year and still sad i am sure that all the holidays will be hard. we use to go to the shore in july evey year the kids would come down even if is was for a couple of days. but since he passed i cannot bring myself ever going back down there. the kids use to take us to cape may for our anniversity and my birthday we used to walk on the broadwalk cannot do that now not the same

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