Is it normal to want to JOIN them?

I hurt so much that there are times when I (think) about joining him but I don't believe I would ever really do it because I could not do that to my family. That is the ONLY reason. I have 3 wonderful children and 8 wonderful grandchildren. They all depend on ME. My parents are 80 and 82 and dad's health has been blah at best. He has been in the hospital 4x since Harry passed in December. Mom is starting to forget. I have lost 2 brothers and I know how devastated my parents were and still are so I would not put that burden on them. I have a sister and a brother and it is me and my sister who does it all for Mom and Dad. She works and I am laid off at the moment so I do most of the running to take Mom and Dad to appts. etc. BUT is it "normal" to think about joining them? My doctor was a little worried when she read an article I put in the newspaper on the first month aniiversary of his death. She put me on antidepressants. I don't like it but I don't want her constantly checking on me. She did call me a couple times and she even gave me her personal phone number. I PROMISE I won't do that even though I think about it. I'm not a selfish person and I think that is selfish.

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Permalink Reply by Randolph L. Schrader on April 25, 2010 at 3:38pm

I am having trouble writng a reply but finally got it to work. Its been a year since my wife of 44 years died suddenly. I want to be with her badly as my life is nothing now. I died when she died. I just want to add,yes,I want to join her. I am not suicidal but I am not afraid of dying now. I actually dont care if I do die or not. Life is , no life, anymore. Just wanted you all to know you are not alone in your emotions that now exist and will for some time.

Permalink Reply by Suzanne on April 25, 2010 at 3:45pm

Hi Peg,
I read your post and wanted to let you know that I wouldn't like a doctor, of all people, just putting me on a prescription either, as what your doctor did is really presumptuous. I would feel like someone cares if they brought it to my attention, but you have a right to make your own choices and that would really make me angry. If that was me I'd change my number and only give it to who I want to call me. I have heard from others in grief support groups and reading books on grieving and that it is "normal" for those who are grieving to feel this way but should be addressed if the thoughts continue for a long length of time. I feel the same way as everyone who has replied to your post. However, I am just waiting for God to call me, because it is up to Him, I just hope He doesn't wait too long, as I hate to think of myself at 95 years of age and and looking at Dan's picture and saying, "Oh yes, I remember him, my husband was a good man." I think that would be way too hard and too cruel. I wouldn't want to do anything to harm myself, but this life without him really sucks, and whenever God wishes, He can take me, I just have a few more things to do like pay for my funeral and clean out my closets which is what I'm in the middle of doing, so I really and truly know how you feel.
God bless,
Suzanne

Permalink Reply by Anita Simmons on April 25, 2010 at 5:11pm

Peg, I sure hope it's normal. It's been 6 months since my Malcolm passed away and my thoughts are the same as yours. I want to be with him and not in this life anymore. What keeps me from doing so is the thought that suicide keeps you from heaven and I would not be with him. Any more I don't know if that is true or not. As for selfish. That's what people say to me too and I really believe Malcolm would be very disappointed in me if I did. I want to honor him, love him and continue to make him proud of me so I hold out and get up every morning hoping the day gets better.

Permalink Reply by Hurting on April 25, 2010 at 5:34pm

You know I am so glad I found this site for months I was hurting all by myself, thinking I am the only one in this world who has to suffer all this. Now I find all of you expressing my emotions. Just like I know that we all are strong and will make it one day not for us but for the people around us who depend on us. They say suffering makes you strong (I personally think it is said by people who haven't known what suffering is). I personally can't sleep at night when I do manage to doze off I will wake up with the feeling that something bad has happened. Then I remember that something bad had happened on Dec 23, 2009 and now I have to relive it for God knows how long. I have always thought I am strong but after reading your stories I feel I am not alone and whether you all realize or not we are all going to make it together. I don't know if I will ever meet anyone of you. I don't even know what cities you all live in. BUT we all have one thing in common, "Our Loss", so I don't really feel alone in my pain as you all are here with me.

Permalink Reply by Hurting on April 25, 2010 at 5:40pm

Jane be strong, you are not alone, we are all suffering together. Do you anybody to help you with your kids. Your son is still so small and probably going to need lot of your attention, love and company. He will keep you strong. Do you want to tell us what happened?

Janet Farthing said:

It's now been 26 days. It is such terrible pain. I miss him so much. I want to be with him but I have to stay here. I also have no fear of dying and welcome it. My children keep me grounded. I have a daughter17 and son4 at home with me. Everyone says be strong. Be there for them. Okay I get that but I'm drowning in pain. My daughter takes my son out to the park or the book store everyday. I prefer this so I can be alone to cry and talk to him. I keep hoping to hear his voice. I know it is selfish of me. I'm not good for them right now. I don't want to feel this way. I want to be strong and overcome this and be their mother again. I want him back. I hate cancer.

Permalink Reply by Lola on April 25, 2010 at 6:00pm

My husband has been dead for almost 2 years and there have been times that I just wanted to be with him so badly. Sometimes I find myself questioning why I am still here and he is gone. I would never take my own life but that doesn't mean that I don't find myself wishing to be with my husband at times. I keep going even though some days are harder than others. My kids and grandkids still need me and that helps. I have a good support group of friends and family. Just stay close to the other people in your life that you love and it will help. Like my daughter-in-law told me at one point when I confided in her that I wished I was with my husband-he wouldn't want me to be gone too. One of us needs to be here to help the kids through this. Just remember-you are not alone.

Permalink Reply by Steve Cain on April 25, 2010 at 6:01pm

Peg,
It is ABSOLUTELY normal to want to join your departed loved one. I have said many times over the past 10 months that if the Dr. told me today I had just 6 months to live I would not be sad, I would be happy because I would be with Kris sooner.
That being said, you do need to keep in regular contact with your health care professional. Sometimes it's not that long of a step between thinking about it and acting on it. You might want to contact your local hospice about talking to a certified grief counselor. If further help is advised, do not reject the advice. It can only serve to help your journey be a more tolerable one.

Permalink Reply by Janet Farthing on April 25, 2010 at 6:41pm

Dale was diagnosed Feb 20 with pancreatic cancer. We traveled to MD Anderson Orlando for treatment. After many tests the answer was the same as the doctors said here (Alabama). There was nothing they could do. His liver had been taken over by the cancer. He was to weak to travel home so we went to his sisters in Saint Petersburg. We arrived at his sisters on Friday night I lost hime Tuesday March 30. We never talked about him dying for we were to busy researching and focusing on making him live. We thought he could beat it. The last day was horrible. He couldnt swallow his pain meds and it took 7 hrs to get the liquid meds. It broke my heart and damaged my faith. He wanted to get up but the nurse wouldnt allow him because he was so weak. It took all of us to move him. The fluid gain made him so heavy. He sat up in bed and grabbed for me saying help me Im dying. He was 52, loved life and loved me. The meds finially got there, he went to sleep and died a few hours later. The memory of the last day hurts so much and sometimes blocks the good memories. I wish I hadnt spent so much time researching the disease and held him more. We really thought we could fight it.
Hurting said:

Jane be strong, you are not alone, we are all suffering together. Do you anybody to help you with your kids. Your son is still so small and probably going to need lot of your attention, love and company. He will keep you strong. Do you want to tell us what happened?

Janet Farthing said:
It's now been 26 days. It is such terrible pain. I miss him so much. I want to be with him but I have to stay here. I also have no fear of dying and welcome it. My children keep me grounded. I have a daughter17 and son4 at home with me. Everyone says be strong. Be there for them. Okay I get that but I'm drowning in pain. My daughter takes my son out to the park or the book store everyday. I prefer this so I can be alone to cry and talk to him. I keep hoping to hear his voice. I know it is selfish of me. I'm not good for them right now. I don't want to feel this way. I want to be strong and overcome this and be their mother again. I want him back. I hate cancer.

Permalink Reply by Peg Otley on April 25, 2010 at 7:26pm

Connie said:

Peg, Can I ask where you got the Flag box with the space for the ashes. I have a very close friend who lost her husband 11 years ago and she has his ashes at home and said that someone had told her about that kind of Flag holder. I would like to get it for her but I have no idea where to get it. Thanks for your help. God Bless You.

Permalink Reply by Peg Otley on April 25, 2010 at 7:27pm

Peg Otley said:

Connie said:
Peg, Can I ask where you got the Flag box with the space for the ashes. I have a very close friend who lost her husband 11 years ago and she has his ashes at home and said that someone had told her about that kind of Flag holder. I would like to get it for her but I have no idea where to get it. Thanks for your help. God Bless You.

Permalink Reply by Peg Otley on April 25, 2010 at 7:30pm

I think you misunderstood what I meant. The ashes are in their own box behind the shadowbox with the flag in it. They are not in the same box. My daughter-in-law bought the flag shadowbox at a Michael's craft store. I don't know if you have them where you live.

Permalink Reply by Peg Otley on April 25, 2010 at 7:32pm

Janet Farthing said:

It's now been 26 days. It is such terrible pain. I miss him so much. I want to be with him but I have to stay here. I also have no fear of dying and welcome it. My children keep me grounded. I have a daughter17 and son4 at home with me. Everyone says be strong. Be there for them. Okay I get that but I'm drowning in pain. My daughter takes my son out to the park or the book store everyday. I prefer this so I can be alone to cry and talk to him. I keep hoping to hear his voice. I know it is selfish of me. I'm not good for them right now. I don't want to feel this way. I want to be strong and overcome this and be their mother again. I want him back. I hate cancer.