Is it normal to want to JOIN them?

I hurt so much that there are times when I (think) about joining him but I don't believe I would ever really do it because I could not do that to my family. That is the ONLY reason. I have 3 wonderful children and 8 wonderful grandchildren. They all depend on ME. My parents are 80 and 82 and dad's health has been blah at best. He has been in the hospital 4x since Harry passed in December. Mom is starting to forget. I have lost 2 brothers and I know how devastated my parents were and still are so I would not put that burden on them. I have a sister and a brother and it is me and my sister who does it all for Mom and Dad. She works and I am laid off at the moment so I do most of the running to take Mom and Dad to appts. etc. BUT is it "normal" to think about joining them? My doctor was a little worried when she read an article I put in the newspaper on the first month aniiversary of his death. She put me on antidepressants. I don't like it but I don't want her constantly checking on me. She did call me a couple times and she even gave me her personal phone number. I PROMISE I won't do that even though I think about it. I'm not a selfish person and I think that is selfish.

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Permalink Reply by Peg Otley on April 25, 2010 at 7:33pm

Peg Otley said:

Janet Farthing said:
It's now been 26 days. It is such terrible pain. I miss him so much. I want to be with him but I have to stay here. I also have no fear of dying and welcome it. My children keep me grounded. I have a daughter17 and son4 at home with me. Everyone says be strong. Be there for them. Okay I get that but I'm drowning in pain. My daughter takes my son out to the park or the book store everyday. I prefer this so I can be alone to cry and talk to him. I keep hoping to hear his voice. I know it is selfish of me. I'm not good for them right now. I don't want to feel this way. I want to be strong and overcome this and be their mother again. I want him back. I hate cancer.

Permalink Reply by Peg Otley on April 25, 2010 at 7:54pm

Dear Janet,
Oh my God....your pain is still so fresh. 26 days is like yesterday!!!!! You can't POSSIBLY be expected to jump right back into being a mother full time. Of course, with a 4 year old, you must be there for him. Thank god you ahve your 17 year old daughter. She can be a huge comfort to you but you must remember they are hurting too. I have a 9yr. old grandson who is "acting out" over all of this. My husband was the most loved grandfather there ever was. harry turned 61 5 days before he passed. EVERY one of the 8 grandchildren just idolized him. He forgot how old he was when he was around them. My grandson told me "it's no fun anymore without Pappy. BUT...3 of my grandchildren including the 9 yr. old lost their other grandfather less than 3 mos. after Harry died. Joe was 64 and like Harry was never sick. He had pneumonia and got sepsis infection throughout his body and 3 days later. he passed. It was sudden. I feel this is also part of his acting out. We have to be careful how we handle it with him. He looks so sad sometimes...like he is lost. We do have 3 3yr olds...soon to be 4 and they are always asking when is Pappy coming home from Heaven? it breaks my heart. I'm certain if your 4 yr old ahsn't asked questions yet, he will soon and we have always been honest with them even if they dont always understand it.
People keep telling me how strong I am but I don't believe that. They don't see me when I am home alone and crying my eyes out, I have never responded to anyone on here without doing it through tears...not just for ME but for all of us. I HATE cancer too and it is threatening another family member at this time.
Harry was always my rock. Now I don't have him and I'm crumbling. 4 1/2 mos. later and I have never had a tearless day yet. I can't even remember the 26 day point because it always feels like yesterday. Still fresh and still extremely painful. I will pray that you and your children will find comfort in each other. People will tell you. "I can just imagine what you are going through". I stop them immediately and say "That's what I used to say to people and I was so wrong". No one can even begin to imagine unless it happens to THEM. I wouldnt wish this pain on anyone. God Bless you and your entire family. If his parents are still alive, I pray for them. My parents lost 2 sons and they haven't been the same since.

Permalink Reply by Dotti on April 25, 2010 at 8:03pm

Yes I have that thought very often. I think all the feelings that have been said are true for all of us. None of us are different and all of us have felt this terrible pain. My heart is so broken I dont know how I have survived this far. Yesterday was my husbands 8 week anniversary. I miss him terribly. I have his ashes here and we are supposed to have a ceremony at the cemetary. Im afraid if I have his ashed put in the nitch, Ill be sorry I did that. At least for now I have him here. Maybe I should wait but Im looking forward to some closure. I dont care what anyone says, this will never get easier.

Permalink Reply by Janet Farthing on April 25, 2010 at 8:16pm

Dales father passed away 3 yrs ago from cancer. He was 72. I remember thinking how terrible it would be to lose your husband. I never thought I'd be in this situation a few years later. 20yrs maybe but no not now. Our 4yr old was what I call a suprise gift. I never dreamed of raising him alone. When we got on the plane the day after to come home Hunter (my 4 yr old) saw i was crying and said -arent you happy mom- i asked him why and he replied we are going up in the clouds and we will see daddy. I explained to him that heaven was way above the clouds. That was the first plane trip in my life that I had no butterflies in my stomach. Even with my son by my side I had no fear. Not that I want anything to happen to him. It was the comfort of being a family again.

Permalink Reply by Peg Otley on April 26, 2010 at 10:35am

Randolph,
I am absolutely amazed at how NORMAL this feeling is. I am also amazed at how many people feel the same as I do.....We all would welcome death but would not exactly do it to ourselves. We are not afraid. I feel as you do...I died the day my Harry died. I partially died the day he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer....I KNEW the prognosis. It was so hard sitting around here knowing he was dying but for the most part seeing him strong and still moving about...weakly but still moving. His weakest day was the day he passed right here in my living room. He waited til I left the room and til my daughter walked away from his bed. He hadn't spoke a word for about 8-10 hours and all of a sudden he opened his eyes..looked at the bottom of his bed and said (very clearly) "Hi Dad". Then he took his last breath. His dad had passed in this house in 1983. I thought I would die that very day with him. We always said we would go together in a car accident or something so we wouldn't be left alone. I am hoping that people can really die of a broken heart because if that's true...it won't be long. You didn't mention family. I know for a fact that if I didn't have my parents (in their 80's and needing my help), my 3 wonderful children and 8 wonderful grandchildren, I would be gone. I don't live for them, I just exist for them. They do brighten up my days but the minute they leave the loneliness sets right back in. I have been having trouble keeping food down lately. Don't know what it is but I really don't care. I do not want my children to ever have to take care of me.
Please keep messaging on here so we can all see how you are doing. If you have no family support you have hundreds of US. God Bless.

Randolph L. Schrader said:

I am having trouble writng a reply but finally got it to work. Its been a year since my wife of 44 years died suddenly. I want to be with her badly as my life is nothing now. I died when she died. I just want to add,yes,I want to join her. I am not suicidal but I am not afraid of dying now. I actually dont care if I do die or not. Life is , no life, anymore. Just wanted you all to know you are not alone in your emotions that now exist and will for some time.