I am so lost without my beloved

My husband died on January 25, 2010. It's only been three months now but I am lost without hearing him tell me he loves me and smiling at me when I walk into a room. We had only two years. One, a healthy, beautiful year, and the next his sick year. We loved each other so very much. He told me every day, several times a day he loved me. He wrote me little notes that he loved me so very much. He loved when I served his food. He would always say, "This is gorgeous," and give me his beautiful smile. I feel disconnected to his memory right now. I intellectually know he was here, but I can't connect to his being because he's not here. I sometimes think I'm living a dream. I kept thinking he may be able to come back. But he doesn't. He has appeared to me in a dream two days after he was buried. He was sitting at a banquet, smiling, healthy, radiant. Several weeks later he appeared to me with his right arm outstretched. He rolled up his sleeve to show me his elbow. He said, "Look, I'm healed." His cancerous tumor on his elbow had been gone and I saw a perfect elbow, clear of any ozzing cancer. I realize he's changed and healed. He's with God and I am only hoping he can see me and twice now, I have felt someone tapping my shoulder, only no one is there. I've also felt someone tapping my foot when I'm in bed, only no one is there. My beloved is always near me. I just need to remember how he told me he loved me, the day before he died, struggling to speak with the sores in his mouth. I'll never be the same.

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Permalink Reply by Connie on April 26, 2010 at 9:34pm

Joan, Be so thankful that you at least have him appearing to you in your dreams. My husband passed on 11/9/09. He has only come back one time in a dream where he said "Look, Honey, I can walk and it doesn't hurt." The last 2 years or so he had a very difficult time walking. It will be 6 months that he is gone the day after my birthday and on Mother's Day. We were very fortunate to have had 46 years together but I was not ready to give him up. I cry daily and get angry with him for leaving me. Even after 46 years, we had no problem telling each other that we loved them. My heart is breaking and I can only look forward to the day that he will be there to meet me. I understand what you are going through. I don't know whether or not you can take any solace in knowing that there are many others that are going through exactly what you are experiencing. It takes some time to just realize that this is not just a horrible dream.

Permalink Reply by Randolph L. Schrader on April 26, 2010 at 10:40pm

Its been a year and 10 days since my wife of 44 years died in her sleep. I heard and saw her dead. I have so many flashbacks, all the good ones and all of the bad ones. The crying has stopped but at any given time I could cry. I actually want to cry all the time. The dreams have pretty much stopped but once in a while I have one of her doing something with me. We were always together doing everything. She was my pal. No matter what you do, it all reminds me that "you are doing it without them". And it sucks, big time. It makes you want to NOT do anything. It was always "you and me kid". Now it just me and I want to die really bad. Suicide is not there plus she would have never wanted that either.
Rather than mourn the absence of the flame, let us celebrate how brightly it glowed.

Permalink Reply by Randolph L. Schrader on April 26, 2010 at 10:46pm

I also would like to say what a griever had on his wall. A plaque which said..."Thank you,God,for allowing us to have this time together". Its something I was inspired by. Hope this can be of a little comfort.

Permalink Reply by Joan on April 27, 2010 at 1:04pm

Randolph L. Schrader said:

Its been a year and 10 days since my wife of 44 years died in her sleep. I heard and saw her dead. I have so many flashbacks, all the good ones and all of the bad ones. The crying has stopped but at any given time I could cry. I actually want to cry all the time. The dreams have pretty much stopped but once in a while I have one of her doing something with me. We were always together doing everything. She was my pal. No matter what you do, it all reminds me that "you are doing it without them". And it sucks, big time. It makes you want to NOT do anything. It was always "you and me kid". Now it just me and I want to die really bad. Suicide is not there plus she would have never wanted that either.
Rather than mourn the absence of the flame, let us celebrate how brightly it glowed.

Permalink Reply by Max on April 27, 2010 at 9:21pm

Joan. I lost my beloved husband on February 25, 2010, two months and two days ago. I feel so lost as well and think I am living not a dream, but a horrible nightmare. But I never wake up from it. I too miss his smile. He kept smiling at me until the day before he left me. Always remember those words of love that your husband spoke to you. I hope they will keep you going through those many many rough patches. It's incredibly hard to get through a minute without thinking of them, listening for their footsteps, waiting for a hug. No, we will never be the same.

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