Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by kathy obiedzinski on May 21, 2010 at 7:37am

Linda said:

The 30th of this month will make it nine months since my handsome, brave Hawaiian warrior lost his almost 2 year battle with lung cancer. Like most here, I walk through life in a zombie like state, trying to come to terms as to WHY? It has not gotten any better for me. I don't want to be here. I cry all the time. I sleep a lot because I don't think when I sleep. I have so much to do here at home. There's a major renovation that I must start on my son's apartment. It was in the planning stage before Bo got really ill, but I can't get motivated to do anything! Bo would have been the one to get estimates and to find the right guys for the job. I'm totally lost! I'm just a lump, watching sit-coms all day, crying, on the computer or sleeping. I don't paint a pretty picture, but it has not gotten any better for me.

Permalink Reply by kathleen caylor on May 21, 2010 at 8:23am

Maybe there is something wrong with me but I don't feel the horrible pain like I used to.Don't get me wrong,I still miss him and think about him everyday but it's usually a warm,fuzzy feeling.I do feel however that if I died anytime soon,it would be OK.But I don't long to die.My kids are grown and my job is done.We were married 44 years.We grew up together and grew old together.Our lives were full of trials and tribulations,but I can honestly say I wasn't bored!After 7 1/2 months I guess I'm doing OK.Hope everyone finds some peace.

Permalink Reply by Sandy on May 21, 2010 at 12:22pm

Hi everyone, I just wanted to thank-you all for being on this site and sharing so much. It has saved my life literally. I feel so much like every one of you. Sweetheart passed Feb 2010 in the Veterans hospital. He was dying from so many things. There are so many areas to this grieving to go through. I say go through because everyone says you never get over it no matter how many years. It just gets different. I have had so many suicidal thoughts for awhile that’s just the truth. Like you I just want to be with him. Part of me keeps thinking of which way I could do it. No I really don’t think I would do it because in reality I believe I am a big chicken. And I’ve been told in the past that your taking a situation making it permanent to a temporary problem. Something like that. What has happened to me is I to have disabilities and I’ve made myself so sick that it has made me truly physically debilitated and ended up in the er last Sunday. I fought so hard to not go to the hospital for a month I was curled up in a ball on the couch in pain so bad my intestines would not stop spasming I couldn’t eat couldn’t hold anything down. I could not stop from going both ends. Now they want me to have a colonoscopy which I will. Er doc said your just depressed due to grieving, the surgeon said no that’s not right. Its gone on to long. Now that this has happened my primary doc and surgeon said we are absolutely going together to help you feel better. Doc put me on antidepressants and other meds for now and it has helped some. They both said if you stay like this you will keep spiraling physically and mentally. I do have an appt for counselor next week. The point is I’ve made a decision to try everything I can to get better. I did not realize staying in that dark hole would effect me like this. I spent so long trying to save Bob and never went to the doc myself. I don’t have any family here and they understand but yet like so many of you have said, I feel they wish I would hurry up and get over it fast. It is really hard on friends and family and I am trying so hard to handle this myself. That’s why this site is so important to me. Not only do you have friends and family to deal with there’s all the creditors that I have ignored because I didn’t care. I have not been this neglectful with creditors since I was young. So it so important to get better or I won’t have a place to live. I guess I’m just babbling now but again thank-you so much for being here. Sandy from Wy

Permalink Reply by Brigitte on May 21, 2010 at 12:46pm

Dear Sandy,

My Douglas was a Veteran as well. He was so sick for so long and his wish toward the end was to be home. And that is what happened. I took care of him for so many years because as his illnesses got worse he became more incapacitated. At the end he was completely wheelchair bound, could not speak, eat, dress, bathe or take care of his personal business anymore. Douglas was diagnosed with Parkinson's disease at age 38 and died 3 weeks after his 62nd birthday. Parkinson's is a long and debilitating illness for which there is still no cure. However, what caused Douglas's death was aspirated pneumonia. He had just finished his last round of antibiotics and had been to his VA neurologist and general physician the day before he ended up in the emergency room. I knew he was not going anywhere but home -- under Hospice. Anyway, my point is this, I was a caregiver as well as a spouse, best friend, lover, and main bread winner. His needs overrode mine -- for 20 years. I did it automatically and as his symptoms got worse I took over more responsibility. Now I am sitting here 10 months after he has died and I don't know how to care for my own health needs -- or even to recognize that I have any! I too am on anti-depressants because the depression got so imbedded. You don't realize how quickly you can spiral into the depths of darkness. Other people recognized it immediately but not me. Guess it is because caring for Douglas and working full time did not allow for a lot of "me" time. Now that is all I seem to have and don't want it! What is wrong with that picture? The worst part of my depression is the feeling of guilt. Did I care for him well enough, did I do enough, could I have taken him to another doctor, and the list goes on and on. Douglas fought for as long and hard as his body would allow. His mind was so sharp and he was trapped inside a body that quit on him. For that I am so angry!!! This wonderful and loving person had to suffer so much. Yes he is out of pain, and yes, he is at peace, but at what cost? DEATH????? There simply has to be a better way. I have babbled on too much but I miss Douglas so much lately. I think it is because his birthday is coming up and the anniversary of his death. Two more "firsts" without him. With any luck I will be able to get out of this blue funk and enjoy the memories as much as I enjoyed being his best friend, spouse and lover. He is my hero!!

In peace,

Brigitte

Permalink Reply by charlottemosby on May 21, 2010 at 1:07pm

Kathy, Hi! I'm hoping that when you receive this email you will be feeling better.
I go through the same feeling. I hope that today is a better day.

Permalink Reply by kathy obiedzinski on May 21, 2010 at 1:13pm

kathy obiedzinski said:

charlottemosby said:

Kathy, Hi! I'm hoping that when you receive this email you will be feeling better.
I go through the same feeling. I hope that today is a better day.

Permalink Reply by Cindy McGregor on May 21, 2010 at 6:40pm

As I read these heart felt messages I want to say I feel all of your pain and I pray wisdom for us all.We are walking a passage that we have no say about.May God give us the strength to carry on.Anyone can write me any time.I will answer I promise.I have a ear to listen and a heart that loves.God bless you all! Cindy from Indiana.

Permalink Reply by Suzanne on May 22, 2010 at 5:47pm

Hi Kathy,
I thought I'd wait until after the weekend but then I thought why wait. Since you asked how everyone is doing I wanted to let you know how thankful I am for all of your words of comfort. Even in all your own personal grief you are taking time to be supportive, and helpful and it really is appreciated. The other day I finally told my PCP what I've been feeling and thinking and I started crying, right there! I was in shock, not only because I never did this right in front of anyone before, but because he always seemed a bit cold before, to me and my husband. But, he couldn't have been more understanding and sympathetic. He knew exactly what I was going through and I told him I didn't want an antidepressant because of the ads on TV that say these medications could give someone suicidal thoughts. But he said he doesn't believe that. He did gently persuade me to take the script he wrote for panic/nervousness attacks. So I filled it just in case. I also have a list of counselors to contact for the one who is right for me and who takes my insurance. So, I have a little homework to do. Ah well, something to do and look forward to doing, except having crying spells, dark thoughts, avoiding Dan's pictures, and feeling depressed and oh so lonely. But of course I have you all here as well which makes me feel better. Today marks 4 months since Danny passed away and while I feel worse in some ways, I feel better knowing you are all here and I haven't been feeling this for a long time but I am really grateful to you all. May you all have peace somehow, in some way. You are all in my thoughts and prayers.
God bless,
Suzanne

Permalink Reply by Tom on May 22, 2010 at 8:02pm

Suzanne,
Didn't your doctor tell you that you have to take the prescription pills every day in order for them to be affective?

Permalink Reply by Suzanne on May 22, 2010 at 9:02pm

I do know what you mean. As a matter of fact, he didn't say it but I noticed on the dosage description that it is to be taken as needed every 6 to 8 hours so I will take at least 1 every day and work my way to taking it every 8 hours. This is a prescription for panic/nervousness so I am starting to consider taking an antidepressant as well and I did not want to take everything at once because I take 5 other prescriptions for medical reasons. But thanks Tom for this observation. I'll be seeing my PCP near the end of June so at least the lines of communication are open now and I'm sure when I tell him how I'm doing he'll act accordingly. It was a relief to tell someone else besides all the good people here on this site. Not everyone out there understands how I feel and I've even alienated a few so it's really hard for me to ask for help, but you are one of those who have helped me to see that. Thank you, Tom.
God bless,
Suzanne

Tom said:

Suzanne,
Didn't your doctor tell you that you have to take the prescription pills every day in order for them to be affective?

Permalink Reply by Tom on May 22, 2010 at 11:45pm

Dear Suzanne,
My Loni didn't want to take those kind of drugs and was crying everyday for weeks until the next cancer doctors visit. It took two more visits before the doctor was able to talk her into finally taking them. That was with my help also.
Finally Loni did start taking them, and the change was immediatly. It does take some time for them to accumalate in your system to get the whole results from them though. That's why it's important to take them as prescribed. That was why I was concerened for you about the pills. If those are not working for you, there are many others that the doctor can try with you. Tom

Permalink Reply by kathy obiedzinski on May 24, 2010 at 7:32am

cindy: the people on this site needs to have a shoulder to cry on and a ear to listen to them we are all going thru the same thing losing the one we loved. please keep in touch with those on this website it will help us all.

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