What was i thinking?

This week has been a living hell.After losing John 4 months ago, I have to say,I thought I was doing pretty good-considering.I was laid off last Tues so to now lose my work family and the only diversion I had is almost mind shattering.After thinking about it-I thought this might be a GOOD thing,I haven`t stopped since Jan.and my body has taken a pretty bad toll.Today i decided i would go to ourJohn and mines favorite place in the whole world.A place you could people watch,have a beautiful view of Tampa Bay,have lunch and just relax.Sounds great right?WRONG!Every single thing,from looking at the water,to thinking about him fishing and raving about all the bait fish,to just trying to act like it was ok to be there alone felt sooo wrong.Thank God for sunglasses!I literally willed muself to sit there and try to pretend to be interested in my hamburger but the pain just took over and I had to leave.By the time I got to my car,I completely broke down.When it has just been 2 people for many years,both the center of each others universe,and suddenly one is gone, how does the survivor manage alone?I hate to say it,but i think it might be many years before I recover from this,if ever.How does a person rebuild a life that was great the way it was?I know I`m probably feeling a little paranoid but at 47 I was enjoying the quiet,just the 2 of us like of lifestyle.So the thought of being alone or having to rebuild a life without my husband seems so totally absurd at this point.The greatest place in the world to us has now turned into a place of deep despair.

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Permalink Reply by Fred Dunn on May 31, 2010 at 2:53pm

Hi Tracie,
I never even tried to go to places that Rose and I used to go to like all the Missions and Presidios withing a few hundred miles of San Antonio. That used to be one of our favorite things to do is just jump in the truck and head out to a Mission that we haven't seen before. Rose passed away 3 years to this date (it's the 3rd anniversary of her passing into Gods hands) and not a good day for me either.
I found out Friday that the University I work for (and all other state of Texas agencies) are being cut back an additional 10% budget. The last 5% which was no more than a few months ago caused about 5-10 people in the IT department to lose their jobs.
I have worked at the University for 25 years and will be presented with my plaque by the President on June 2nd if I'm not laid off by then. I have family and have given them keys to my house since my son is in the military and lives far away. So you see the people at my work are my release and my second family. If I lose them then I will probably join my wife as I will have very little left here.
I know the despair you are going through and at my age (54) it would be very difficult to find a job in IT since I would be passed up for my age even though I have 30 years in IT.
I am sorry you found out the hard way that visiting the places you both enjoyed is very hurtful. I found that out when I went to visit one of the local Missions to take pictures. It hurt and I just didn't feel like it was a very pleasant place to visit anymore. So I just stay in the house with our two border collies and only leave when I have to.

God Bless,
Fred Dunn

Permalink Reply by Sue on May 31, 2010 at 3:32pm

Tracie, It has been 16 months since I lost my husband of 32 years,every day is a struggle.I can say "Thank God" for my daughter & our wonderful friends .I know they are suffering as I,but we can go from laughing together to crying together,without missing a beat.
Weekends are very hard as everyone spends time with their spouses : going to dinner,a movie or just doing chores at home.
We can only expect to get through one day at a time.
Times helps but it does not truly heal.

Permalink Reply by Jane Velarde on May 31, 2010 at 4:22pm

Oh, I'm so sorry for your pain. Although I know it probably doesn't help much, you are not alone. If only people like us lived near each other so we could offer each other support. I lost the "love of my life" (18+ years together) on Jan. 25th 2010 so it's been about 4 months for me, too. I just turned 50 six days before he died in my arms. We were also best friends and so happy and so in love. Sometimes, the grief seems to be getting worse instead of better. I know - the whole world seems scary. I also went to one of our favorite places (also the beach) with my sister where I also broke down and wept - two weekends ago. What once was such a beautiful place is now seeming so desolate and depressing - just the very notion that it exists without his presence. But then, we have to remember they ARE still with us - we carry them in our hearts. When you have difficulties like this, remember me - and all others who have endured this kind of loss - and survived. We have to be strong for them - this is what your John would have wanted for you. God Bless you. Feel free to write to me at peetotwo@hotmail.com Jane

Permalink Reply by Brigitte on May 31, 2010 at 5:28pm

Tom,

First, it takes 8 weeks for Prozac to actually make a difference. It builds up in the system over time. That is why when you stop taking it you don't crash and burn -- it takes that long to leave the body. Ask me, I know since I am on the stuff for 25 years due to chronic clinical depression. Douglas's death has sent me into a tail spin as well. My doctor tried to include Cymbalta with the Prozac -- not good. All of the side effects on the label hit me like a ton of bricks. So I am increasing the Prozac and on Valium for anxiety. I am feeling better for the most part. But I still miss my Douglas and no amount of medication will take that away. It is going to take time, going through the grieving process, and finding my way out of this dark place. I suggest going to counseling. It helps. You may need to check out more then one to find the "match" but it does happen and it is so very helpful. Do I still get depressed? You bet. I sleep all day, don't eat, don't socialize, etc. But I am grieving the loss of a special person, my husband, and I will do all of the above until I find the peace that I know is out there. Don't do anything foolish, Tom. We are here for you -- and you have this way with words and ice cream!

Love and peace,

Brigitte

Tom said:

I decided to take some of my wifes medicen to help me do better. i took one of her prozakes and an anxiety pills. Now I'm dizzy, but not feeling so depressed.
it's dangeruos for me to take pills that alter my thoughts, but i had to do something.

Permalink Reply by heather on May 31, 2010 at 8:26pm

the grieving part is the hardest for me too a song, a place we went together it's unbearable how many people in the world are feeling the same way along and just barely surviving be strong I pray everyday God gives me strength I am 61 and a widow, disabled and alone the worse I could ever imagine. take care it will get easier at least it has to get better

Permalink Reply by Max on June 2, 2010 at 3:18pm

Tracie. I haven't made the 4 month mark - 3 for me and yes, the weeks are full of deep despair. Even though you are not alone in your grief, you certainly can feel so very alone - I wish I knew what to say to you, but I don't - I just read your post and cried - for you and for me -

Permalink Reply by CINDY POWELL on June 29, 2010 at 5:18pm

Connie said:

Everyday, everything, every place, but Saturdays,(if it is possible to be even more intense than any other day,) are the worst. He left Saturday, Sept.5,2009. My love, My life, My buddy, My everything for close to 40 years. I have learned over these months that my tear ducts work very well.
There is an ocean called Phill, now, filled with my tears and love.
Many rivers flow from it, filled with the tears of all those who also knew and loved him.
The only thing I am thinking of, as I type this is a song I heard not long after he left. SAVE A PLACE FOR ME. Hugs to all of us.

Permalink Reply by CINDY POWELL on June 29, 2010 at 5:23pm

connie, just read your writings from may i think, any how you mentioned a song which you kept thinking about SAVE A PLACE FOR ME. everytime i hear that song which i love, i can only think about dedicating it to my husband. God bless you.

Permalink Reply by Connie on June 29, 2010 at 11:32pm