Hi everyone
Last weekend i wrote how I went alone to have lunch at the place John and I loved the most.It was frankly quite awful but it was a major 1st step.This weekend I went to an outdoor fundraiser.I brought a chair,had some lunch and just enjoyed the beauty of the outdoors all by myself again.It was not so bad this time.Although I would have given anything to have John with me,especially at the fireworks(he was a pyro junkie!),I swear I could almost feel him put his arm around me.So as hard as it is,please try to make that 1st step into life again,after that it does get easier.

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Take baby steps and you will be amazed at how, in time, you will be able to do those things you used to and more. We are not alone, our loved one will always be with us. It does get better. Douglas has been gone one year next month. I am going back to graduate school, I have taken a temporary job relocation across the country and drove from Seattle to Baltimore with my dog as my co-pilot. The two of us did a "road trip". Who would have guessed? It will happen for all of you, in time. And you are the one in charge of when it is "your time" -- my time is on the horizon and as I continue to move forward I am doing so with a little push from my guardian angel, Douglas. I love him as much today as I did when I first met this wonderful and incredible man. By the way, my master thesis is going to be a book -- about Douglas, true love, death, grief, and a come back. Look for it!


I suppose you are right in that the first step is the hardest. I just can't bring myself to do the things that we did together. We were both from Pennsylvania and my husband came to NJ to find work. i came here with him when we married. We went back and forth to PA every weekend until I was pregnant with our oldest daughter and was confined to bedrest. Afterwards we went up almost every weekend. I cannot bring myself to go there. My parents, siblings, and in-laws are all buried there and I want so bad to go to the cemeteries but I just cannot do it. My youngest daughter and I were going to go a few weeks ago and I did not sleep at all the night before we were to go. I believe it was the anticipation of going there that kept me awake. I hate this feeling but I don't know how I am going to overcome it. Everytime I think I am making some progress, I feel like something just smacks me in the head and I am back to square 1. I don't know what to do.
Dear Tracie,
I think it's wonderful that you are able to confront the baby steps needed to take to walk through your grief that you can get to a place that is healing for you and will lead you to a pathway of recovery, yet never forgetting your husband, but living life so that you can achieve peace. However, we are all on our own individual timeframe of grief and in my opinion I am unable to do that now and I feel deep in my heart that I will always feel this way. I honestly commend you in getting through your grief. I really do. Please don't misunderstand but I'm only speaking for myself when I say it would be not in my best interest to go to certain places that Danny and I went together, I must walk right by the place that he and I stood when we were waiting for our transportation after receiving his radiation treatments right after I see my PCP (doctor). That's where it stops, because I changed drugstores, I changed dentists, other doctors, where I go to get blood work done and I just feel I would be hurting myself unnecessarily if I were to stand in the lobby when I waited for Dan while he was getting his routine gastroscopy. We were so happy he would be able to eat again and that we were on our way home and we had no clue that these were his last days and the pain is just too unbearable, even just thinking of these bittersweet memories has gotten me having a crying spell as I type. I am happy for your path that you are taking. I honestly feel I don't have that choice to make, but you do, and I know you are doing the right thing. I am routing for you. For me, I am just waiting for God to call me home. Peace and God bless you.
Last week my I went with my niece to her doctor's appointment not knowing that it was in the same building where Bo would take his chemo treatments. I stopped at the elevator and walked back out. Could not go in :*(
Tracie,You are so right!We have to make the first moves otherwise we will be stuck,and unable to move forward.It is not easy at first,It just takes a little courage.I just got back from maryland for my oldest grandson's graduation.I flew with my daughter and granddaughter.It was a little stressful at first,but it wasn't about me,it was his day!Afterward we went to a party for the kids and came home.The next day we had a BBQ for our family and friends.Most of my son's friends up there only knew Ernie briefly but he again left his mark!Long time friends from Va. came over and the "Ernie" stories began.We talked and shared memories throughout the night.He lives on through us,I don't want the stories to end.Had I not called and invited people ,we wouldn't have had Such a good time.Of course I wished he had been there in body but that is not to be,so by sharing, his memory lives on.I can't be quiet about this,After being with him for 46 yrs.my memories are all about him.So I will continue to go on with him by my side.
Tracie, I do go out with my children out to Parks, friends and little outings but I do not enjoy them even though I smile and do laugh, it is like auto button. Everything I do is on my own without my Baby. I take the dogs nearly every day to park (hubby always insisted) meeting with other like dog owner. At the graveyard, which I visit everyday I meet people and most of them are geniunly understanding. It is only 3 and a half month, too long!


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