Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by brandy on June 11, 2010 at 10:45am

Virgina,I'm not sure why it is different but for me I think it is because we depended on each other to be there,for anything & we helped each other, when I was in pain he understood & tried to help,if he had pain ,I knew what to do for him where family only know what they see on the out side were are spouce know inside& out side,feelinds,looks & love & we some times take each other for granted that they will be there & that is way I think the lose is so great.any way that is how I feel,Hope that helps,

Permalink Reply by kathleen caylor on June 11, 2010 at 10:50am

Remember our wedding vows?We were joined together as one.We have lost half of us.we are now me.Our best friend,lover and confidant is no longer with us.Our parents and siblings couldn't be those things.We loved them ,but we didn't share with them the same way as our spouses.Who did you call with the daily ups and downs of the day?Who could finish your sentences?I remember watching a tv show and some one looked like a friend of ours,I said to Ernie"you know that looks like"And he said I was thinking the same thing.We never even mentioned a name!Those are the things I miss.Some one who gets you.Your weird sense of humor,who could make fun of you and your little quirks.No one else could fill those shoes.

Permalink Reply by Randolph L. Schrader on June 11, 2010 at 11:23am

Brandy and Kathleen, all that you have said is SOOOOO true. Boy, the being able to finish each others sentences hit me hard. Reading each others mind. Helping her and her helping me,her feeling my pain and I feeling her pain. No more confidant,soulmate,companion and my pal is gone. Sadness prevails, as only WE understand and can share. Hugs to all.

Permalink Reply by Randolph L. Schrader on June 11, 2010 at 11:29am

Virginia, losing your spouse over other people is simply this, I think. You have your other half to comfort you thru it all and with all things. When your spouse is gone you are the only one to bear the burdens. No one will ever know that our life has ended without our spouse there to share. Except, here on this site.Hugs to all. Hugs are good.

Permalink Reply by Connie on June 11, 2010 at 5:33pm

It hurt very much when I lost my parents but my husband was there to hold my hand and help me get through it. When you take your wedding vows, you take two people and make one person from the two. We were able to think the same, enjoy the same things, want the same from life. When we lose our spouse we lose part of ourself. There is no one there to hold your hand and comfort you in the same way. You are left alone in life no matter how many people you have around you. It is the most horrible feeling in the world. I just wait for the day that I am beside him again. That is truly what I want from life now. I was always afraid of death but now I look forward to it. I just want to be with him again. We had a very special love. My life is so lonely without him.

Permalink Reply by Peg Otley on June 11, 2010 at 6:45pm

Hi Virginia,
I was just talking with my Mom today about the difference between losing my 2 brothers and losing my husband. I didn't live with my brothers for the last 36 years. I lived with my husband, my love of my life. The person I chose and he chose me. THAT in itself is different. I loved my brothers, both were younger than I. One was 39, he was the youngest boy and the other was 48. One died in his sleep and one died after 8 days of being in a drug-induced coma we all thought he's come out of. These are different circumstances. We Have to have a different reaction. Yes I miss them, yes I loved them but not the same way as we do our spouses. I have one brother gone for 11 yrs and the other gone for 7 yrs. I am over it even though I miss them but we keep their memories alive. I will NEVER get OVER IT>>>>NEVER. That's the difference. At least it is for me.

Permalink Reply by judy on June 12, 2010 at 12:49am

I lost a 16 year old son 27 years ago, my mother 13 years ago, and my husband four months ago. I was very close to my mother and talked with her every day, I miss her but it is not comparable to my son or my husband. Both my son and my husbands deaths were unexpected, my husband had a heart attack and my son died as the result of an accident, ,my mother had pancreatic cancer and we were somewhat prepared. But I think the real difference is that all your life you know your parents will probably die before you. Though it is painful it is an expected event. Also if you are an adult you have removed some of the bonding from your parents and shifted it to your husband. Tim and did almost everything together, there is nothing in my life that does not make my heart scream that he should be there. With Frank, our son, the loss of a child is not a natural event and they did not get to live their life out here on earth. Also with a mate you expect to grow old together and you feel robbed of your dream.

Permalink Reply by judy on June 12, 2010 at 12:53am

I have heard when you loose your parents you lose your past, when you lose your mate you lose your present and when you lose your child you lose your future.

Peg Otley said:

Hi Virginia,
I was just talking with my Mom today about the difference between losing my 2 brothers and losing my husband. I didn't live with my brothers for the last 36 years. I lived with my husband, my love of my life. The person I chose and he chose me. THAT in itself is different. I loved my brothers, both were younger than I. One was 39, he was the youngest boy and the other was 48. One died in his sleep and one died after 8 days of being in a drug-induced coma we all thought he's come out of. These are different circumstances. We Have to have a different reaction. Yes I miss them, yes I loved them but not the same way as we do our spouses. I have one brother gone for 11 yrs and the other gone for 7 yrs. I am over it even though I miss them but we keep their memories alive. I will NEVER get OVER IT>>>>NEVER. That's the difference. At least it is for me.

Permalink Reply by Suzanne on June 12, 2010 at 11:43am

I think it also depends on how close each relationship is because there are 2 women who I attend the grief meeting at Hospice with who still have their husbands but they're grieving their mothers and at first I thought they are having a different experience than others who's spouse passed away. But since hearing them they are just as affected because their relationship with their mothers was a special bond and they were with them daily, taking care of them, spending quality time and they both have said to me they know how I feel about not wanting to be in life anymore but are glad they have their husband's support but they are both still really in despair of the loss of their Mom and they are in their middle ages. I feel that they really understand my loss just as everyone here does. So, it matters how close we were to our spouse, because we spent every waking moment with them, by their side, constantly taking care of them or spending quality time with them, so when you both are together 24/7 it is like we lost part of ourselves. I just thought I'd add my thoughts to this discussion. I'm not an expert by any means, but I just think the one that we are the closest to in life will be all the more overwhelmed with sadness and grief when their spouse has passed. I think it is different, Virginia, I agree. Death is just as complicated as life I suppose. May you have peace.
God bless and take care,
Suzanne