Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Suzanne on June 12, 2010 at 4:36pm

Hi Fernandohulya,
It is in my opinion that you should do whatever you feel you need to do. Other people don't get it, there's nothing we can say to them to make them understand. If someone told me those things I would just say, "You don't know me, you don't know what I'm feeling or what it is like and I hope this never happens to you." You have enough to worry about with taking care of yourself and your children than to stress over people who should mind their own business. I for one know firsthand what you are going through and so do many, many others who's spouse has passed away. We will never get over it but we may get through it, take a day at a time, and just ignore anyone who hasn't had a loss such as ours. It's hard for me to take my own advice, but I have to 'let it go' myself sometimes. I am so sorry you and all of us are going through this. I know it's unfair and senseless. We have to do what we feel is right for us and no one can tell us any different. We are all unique individuals and we can cry, do whatever we need to do as long as we are not hurting ourselves or others. I don't want to take credit for what someone else told me on another grief site so I will tell you what this person said to me. Be all who you want to be and let no one tell you how to work through this. Only we by ourselves can ultimately work through this and in our own ways come to make some kind of peace with this terrible loss of someone that is and was so loved by us. This helped me and I just wanted to share his words with you. Take care.
God bless you,
Suzanne

Permalink Reply by Connie on June 12, 2010 at 9:42pm

Hi Fernandohulya, I agree with Suzanne, don't let anyone tell you what to do, what to feel, what you should be feeling or doing. You alone are experiencing this loss and no one can tell you how you should deal with it. Personally, I go to the cemetery every day to pray for my husband and just to be close to his body. Some days I go there more than once in a day. It is what I need to do. My children know that I go every day and they feel that I should do what I need to do. Thank God, I don't have small children now but I do have small grandchildren. We are all dealing with his death in our own ways. I am on sleeping pills and anti-depressants to help me sleep. Although I understand that they will not change anything, I need to use them so that I can sleep. I had gone for days with no sleep at all and I was so tired but yet I couldn't sleep. It took at least two weeks for the meds to begin to work but now I do get a pretty good nights sleep. When I wake up I still have to deal with my life but at least I have gotten some sleep. Don't let anyone tell you what to do because you are the one who is hurting and you know what is best for you. I will keep you and your children in my prayers.

Permalink Reply by judy on June 12, 2010 at 11:33pm

You have worked so hard on this and it is very beatiful. Do not let anyone tell you what to do, this is your grief, nobody else can greave it for you and you have to do it the way that feels right to you. It is apparent that you loved Fernando very much and he loved you and I bet he wants you to handle this just as you are doing. No one knows how they would really react until they have gone through the experience. You are in my prayers.

Permalink Reply by Fernandohulya on June 13, 2010 at 3:38pm

Today, I have been twice as I miss him so much. I have been warned that in the Uk and this particulare cemetery will order my plants away. The regulation says only quater of the plot can be habitat by plants, flowers and shrubs. What the matter is with these pleople. So today i got several warnings. It is the authority who tells you know how to grief, paying tax and buying this plot. Just want to be left alone doing what I want to do. This world is to much for me now, all the hurdles and no one says against it. In what kind of a 'FREE" world do we live in?? I think it is all nonsense, as long we pay with money, money money money..... This grave, I hate it he does not belong in a stupid grave he belongs with me and I am not with him... all this in my head. I do not know what to think no more, just want to be with him.

Permalink Reply by Connie on June 13, 2010 at 8:49pm

Hi Fernandohulya, The same kind of rules apply to cemeteries here in the U.S. My husband is entombed in a Roman Catholic cemetery not far from my home. I am allowed to put silk flowers in a small vase which is attached to the wall. The rules state that nothing but silk flowers are allowed. I completely understand these rules. However, for Memorial Day on May 31st, which is a day to remember all who have served in the military. When I placed the silk flowers for this holiday, I also put in a small American flag which I planned on leaving there only until the holiday had passed. I am at the cemetery every day so it is not as though it would be forgotten. When I went there on Memorial Day, the flag had been taken away. I assume this was done by the staff at the cemetery. I was upset and was going to go out and buy another flag and put it back but my daughter told me that I should respect their rules. So, I did but I really don't understand what could be considered offensive by a small US Flag at the tomb of a former United States Sailor. But I promised my daughter that I would just let it go and I did. Next year I will put another flag there and you can bet money on that.

Permalink Reply by Fernandohulya on June 14, 2010 at 3:51am

Rules, for what? When a loved one has passed and obeyed all his live the rules, can he not have his freedom then? Rules are made from the rich to control the people. Rich people, politicans etc... money. So the fact is the rules, I am not living by them anymore. My husband got refused treatment altough he paid for over 30 years, then they want me to obey! Guess what, no more. I put what I want and people should be do what they want without hurting anyone, does it hurt anyone!! Having a beautiful grave with flowers and plants, with pride. Connie, I would put the american flag forever and if they take away again, you go sue them for being against the state. No one should be afraid of voiceing her opnion in a democratig country!!! I love being with my Baby, I even lying beside him and people look at me. I miss him so much. Here we only can have a headstone.

Permalink Reply by Basia on June 14, 2010 at 10:04pm

Fernandohulya, you do what you need to do! You do not let people tell you how you should be. They have NO idea. You and your love are the only ones that know. No one else as it is different for everyone , including other widows. Not one marriage or couple are alike. Only you know what is right for you. Myself , I am just afraid that I will never get better. That I will remain in this state forever. If I didn't have Terry's 4 kids , I wouldn't bother to keep on going but I have to. By the way the pictures are beautiful, your love shows. The white flowers on your husband's grave...the ones that are still closed....they are the same flowers I laid on my husband's coffin....18 of them... for every beautiful year we had together. I hope you had a survivable day. Love and hugs. Basia