Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Suzanne on June 14, 2010 at 10:56pm

Hi Basia,
I am so sorry you are having a bad day. I can only speak for myself but some days are a little better than others for me and I hope that you will have better days too. A suggestion would be if you didn't read their posts on Facebook you could avoid them and their insensitive and cruel attitudes and remarks. They just don't get it. I get all kinds of days myself. Whether you need to share your worse feelings or ramble or you feel crazy or your crying or depressed at least on here you can say anything and I (and I think others here) will understand. Just to get through each day is something. I don't know how we all do it. It is the most difficult thing we've ever had to go through in our whole lives but we all understand and you have every right to whatever you're feeling. It's so hard to be the one to make all the decisions and it hurts. I hope you don't mind if I suggest that you call one of those who you feel the closest to and ask whatever it is you need just to see what would happen. With me, I know what I want which is to be with Danny, but I don't know what I need. I just turn everything over to God and I am still waiting for Him to call me. He is getting me through each day, even though I don't want to, but I guess I need to. If that makes any sense. In any case, take care and God bless you and your kids. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Hugs to you and all.
Suzanne

Permalink Reply by Brigitte on June 14, 2010 at 11:42pm

Dear Basia,

No one knows what to say to any of us who have just lost a loved one. Of course it is natural to say "call if you need anything" -- what they don't realize is that we don't know what we need! People do want to help but they don't know how -- so we need to tell them when and what we need. That isn't always easy. We are all guilty of saying this to someone -- all of us. After Douglas's death I have become more sensitive to what I will say to anyone in my position. Yes, everyone else's life continued to go on as though nothing happened. The death of our spouse happened to "us" not anyone else. Grief is unforgiving, horrendous, and painful. It is a path we all must travel as a widow or widower. However, life will get better in time. It has been almost a year and I can honestly say that my life is good -- not the same as last year -- but it is different and it is getting better. Douglas left me with a beautiful legacy of memories that will be mine forever. I love him now as much as I did for the 31 years we were married. He will always be my hero -- and when I can't make an immediate decision I simply tell people that my husband died a year ago and I still have training wheels on my decision making bicycle. It helps! You will have good and bad days. Go with them and try to learn and recognize the emotions that come and go with each day. You will get through this, Basia. Baby steps, friends, and those of us on this site. We are here for you. Remember you are not on the path of grief all by yourself. I am sending you good thoughts of peace and better days ahead. Take care of yourself -- your children will help you as well.

In peace,

Brigitte

Permalink Reply by Randolph L. Schrader on June 15, 2010 at 12:32am

Yeah, I love those who have said "call if you need Anything". I'm still hoping the phone will ring and my wife saying, come and get me. Hug to you. Hugs are good.

Permalink Reply by pippa on June 15, 2010 at 10:29am

Hi everyone,
now 23 days after Liza's death-everyday seems to get a little worse, like I am wandering down inside a chasm I fear I will never find my way out of. I feel totally lost and can't feel Liza's love for me right now-only her anger and sadness over her life ending way before either of us was ready .
I so much long for her warmth, grace , humor and beauty to once more illuminate me and my life and am struck dumb, completely numb at the prospect of a life-my life- without her. All my joy is gone. For now all I can hope for is the continuing ability to get out of bed in the morning and go through the motions , one day at a time. Hopefully at some point in the future, I won't feel like a zombie, staggering across a colorless desert but that is my reality right now.

Permalink Reply by Pamela Thomas on June 15, 2010 at 11:06am

I totally understand you. I'm sorry for your loss. People go on with their lives, and I know what you are feeling. I'm so thankful that we have this sight, because everyone understands each other. Basia, don't be angry, be patient and you will have some good days ahead.

Permalink Reply by Patti Baker on June 15, 2010 at 12:15pm

Basia,
It is normal to be angry, it will pass -- not soon enough. My husband has been gone one year and 10 days, and today I am crying like a fool. Our 56th wedding anniversary will be Saturday and I guess that is what has brought me down. Life does go on and I thought I was doing good, working every day, (real estate) doing things, theater, concerts, sports games, I think that is all a facade so people will think I am OK. My friends have been great, I do not even want them around. I have finally come to grips with selling the house and buying a smaller one. Two of my girls live within 5 miles, sometimes I don't even want them here. It is a roller coaster, we will get through it, it just takes time one day at a time. You have a lot to live for, your children need you and are probably hurting too. Life does not seem fair..someone told me God will never give you something you can not handle. I am not so sure of that anymore....This may sound silly , when I am down in the dump I either go shopping or get a hot fudge sunde.....both have ramifications....LOL
Have a better day..........

Permalink Reply by Yaca Attwood on June 15, 2010 at 1:48pm

Greetings, Basia

Ecclesiastes 12:5 ".....For man goes to his eternal home while mourners go about in the streets...."

There is the immediate, after the loved one's death - cards, calls, concern....but flash forward to approximately a month or so later - and the silence is deafening. Most have gone on with their lives; they do not face the long silences, the empty house, the empty bed, the signs of a life that is no longer present.

I have been fortunate in that _one_ couple has continued to keep contact with me, to take me out for dinner, to think about me. But everyone else has disappeared, and few, except for them, my sister and the hospice bereavement counselor want to hear me talk about Byron (he died on 29 June 2009) - everyone else becomes uncomfortable, squirms or wants to change the subject......


Peace, healing and blessings be with you - Yaca Attwood Perkins

Permalink Reply by Fernandohulya on June 15, 2010 at 3:55pm

PLEASE DO NOT APOLOGISE. Basia, do what you have to do and take things in littles steps. I am not sure when this stops or if it is ever gona stop? No I am not function very well too, lets say a snail has whorp speed, seriouse. The children are hard work, when they talk or move, although my children are 12 and 15, they want mum more than ever. When is my time? I mean not only when they are at school, but generally? My daughter is enjoyng her live because I know my Baby told her to live life to the fullest. My son wants me to arrange with friends because he lost a little of his confidence. I am just there like a zombie doing things. Basia, making decisions on your own is so scary and I am like a child trying to get approval from whom..? I always needed his decision, it is not because I was dependent but we always made decisions together I told him that when we got married , I did make decisions on my own too but very rare. Oh, yes! People are so two faced like a penny and worthless. I would mean what I say. But the world is with people who have this attitude but when it happens to them. We always try to help our friends and neighbours, know I know who is and who is not and believe me I treat them how they deserve if they make contact. Ignorants!!! I am no facebook and I love animals as my Baby did to but I do get annoyed too.

I feel like the battel just finished so strange, I am lying in the bed in our house when he pas... oh Baby,his side. Waiting for him!

LOTS OF HUGS BACK AND WARM WISHES TO YOU BASIA

(Feeling crazy too)

Permalink Reply by Hurting on June 16, 2010 at 10:45pm

Basia I am reading what you wrote and feels like somehow you looked inside me and wrote down all my feelings. This must be a phase of grieving that we will survive. We have to. Take care of yourself and your kids.

Permalink Reply by Nina on June 16, 2010 at 11:34pm

Hi Basia, I'm very sorry for your lose. It's not easy loosing a Loved One. Your Terry is another Rose in Gods Garden. You WILL have bad days, but God will help you make it through them. My husband John is also a Rose in Gods Garden, & I have lots of bad days, but again God is helping me. Think of all of the wonderful times that you all had and the wonderful memories that you all created. These are things that I think about when I 'm having a bad day, it helps me some. God Bless you & your family.

Permalink Reply by brandy on June 17, 2010 at 9:15am

I know just how you feel making a simple decision is so hard & upsetting ,I lost my husband ( Richard)Feb.13,& my stomach is nervous & i'm tense,can't sleep, & the hungrer at night is so bad .I feel in a fog,& everyone says it is normal & will pass but you want it now!!
I just hope we can feel like everyone who has gone thur this has light at the end of this tunnel & I pray for everyone,so we can all have peace.
Just go day by day & count youe blessing that is tha only way I can cope some times.
Bless you all for being there to talk to.hugs ( )